It's a wonderful day for JMG.
Who'd like to attempt to derail everything?
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:44, archived)

You're still getting relegated.

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:45, archived)

HA HA HA!
When I got in last night I got a text reading "90% of a poll on TalkSport want us to be relegated".
Oh Southern England. Your hopes are drifting somewhat.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:46, archived)

Not really.
I don't want Newcastle to go down.

I want Hull, Boro and Sunderland to go down.
( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:48, archived)

I think it'll be the current bottom three, in all honesty.
..and the Unwashed will prevail.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:49, archived)

I have a scary, scary feeling that Hull will beat Man U on the last day.

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:53, archived)

WBA will make a dramatic escape.

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:55, archived)

One afternoon on the prawn sandwiches and you're a whore for the Midlands!
:(
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:56, archived)

Secretly I hope they go down
So I can get to watch the foxes beat them from a nice comfy leather armchair.
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:59, archived)

If Newcastle stay up I hope Shearer gets out his limited edition and speical celebration of TWO fists in the air and running.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:47, archived)

I think I only ever saw him vary it twice.
It was in one game.
Thrilling events.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:48, archived)

I want Shearer to pick up Roy Hodgson, header him into the back of the net from a corner and do a happy runner

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:51, archived)

I do an award winning Roy Hodgson impression.

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:51, archived)

Did it win the award for the worst impression of Roy Hodgson?

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:03, archived)

JMG, yesterday.
newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42839000/jpg/_42839973_newcastlefan270.jpg
( Neptune A dole queue dosser and foul mouthed chav., Tue 12 May 2009, 18:03, archived)

Being a WBA fan
that was a bad result.

Still, live in hope.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:49, archived)

BOING BOING

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:50, archived)

Oh Oh Oh
I can impress you with my executive trip to the Hawthorns on Saturday.
I asked the ref to make sure he gave a penalty.
He did.
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:56, archived)

This is certainly the best impersonation of JMG so far.
AAA Would buy again.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:50, archived)

I'm so bald you can see my brain.
Which is made up primarily of dole.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:51, archived)

I laughed at that.

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:00, archived)

oooh, I have a music related question for you.
Alas, I'm off home and away to my hoe.

Shall mither you another time.
( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:51, archived)

I respect your bitch.

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:52, archived)

I want to kiss you in your fizzy place.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:51, archived)

the fridge, or the cupboard?

( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:03, archived)

his bellend.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:07, archived)

It's positively effervescent.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:08, archived)

it's been a herculean effort and I'd like to congratulate you on almost drawing level with Sunderland

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:54, archived)

Congratulations on achieving another Champions League final, in spite of Darren Fletcher's best efforts.

( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:55, archived)

I don't feel very well but the boys are taking me out on the town tonight ):

( TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:00, archived)

Why not just stay in?
After all, it's a Tuesday.

edit: bye all.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:01, archived)

Now you have fun.
OFFLINE BOYS I can only hope?

Fair well, Good T.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 18:01, archived)

You will vomit
like you always do :(

*strokes bulging currytummy*
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:01, archived)

I did enough vomiting at the weekend thanks

( TopUpTheTea you ain't seen me, right?, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:30, archived)

LIFT DISASTER AT TOWER BRIDGE
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Tue 12 May 2009, 18:01, archived)

my football has been derailed by "BA games" this week
what jibber-jabber is this, foo?
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 18:03, archived)

I have no idea.
:(
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Tue 12 May 2009, 18:21, archived)

Impressions of other b3tans time.

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:26, archived)

Hello,
I'm master of turnips.
( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:26, archived)

that was shit

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

I think that's the angle he was going for.

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

Success then?

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

terrible.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

awful awful

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

That was fucking well boring
100%. well done.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

LOLWHACKY ! *PUNCHES DOLPHIN*
/baldmonkey
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

fuck off
you're a moron
any guesses?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:28, archived)

GrrrMachine?

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:28, archived)

99% of /talkers.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:29, archived)

anybody who has read one of your posts

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:32, archived)

I'm just replying to this post without having read or understood it
urgh horrid homeless people!
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:28, archived)

Pickle!

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:28, archived)

well done that man.

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:28, archived)

why?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:35, archived)

That's an interesting idea...
Oh, my TITS are itching.

/girls online.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:28, archived)

I'll need a cravat, some 1940s and a study.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:28, archived)

rnuk

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:29, archived)

Nope.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:29, archived)

me?

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:30, archived)

Of course it's you.
As far as I'm concerned, you wander around in a pocket of film noir, detecting things when you think nobody's looking, and also being a history teacher in a private school maybe.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:32, archived)

Fucking hell wormy - looks like you've hooked another one.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:50, archived)

I'd break the poor lad.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:51, archived)

We did that before.
It was good.
You can't redo it.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:29, archived)

Stop being Captain Wow

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:29, archived)

Do a new post then
something good, then Wormulus can post 40 new shit threads above it like a chimp with ADHD
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:35, archived)

I don't post above good threads
even on COCK TUESDAY!
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:37, archived)

Lying cunt

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:38, archived)

It is perfectly acceptable to eat the food from the bins behind M&S.

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:29, archived)

low blow to RJ there.

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:30, archived)

Haven't heard from him in ages,
I know he's in France, but I'm sure they have the internet over there.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:30, archived)

M&S! There's a recession on.
It's all about the Asda bins now.
( Neptune A dole queue dosser and foul mouthed chav., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:30, archived)

*Puts head into hot air balloon*

Hi I'm KEYBOARD FREAKOUT AG GGHEEE, ahem sorry, I'm Friz.

*Side partings*

Hi I'm Wormulus and when I laugh you can't see my teeth even though my mouth is wide open and I make no sounds COCK TUEDAY.

heeeeello I'm spangolin

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRR

That was Pickle Fairy btw.

I would do one of Mykey but I don't have enough time to eat 1200 sarcastic burgers.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:30, archived)

I'm trying to do you
but this band's hurting my tits and I can't get these trousers on.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:31, archived)

You need to learn to floop about, get called a mincbag even though I like girls and get too excited about things and forget to breathe in public.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:33, archived)

The fact remains that I'm sure you've got more tail than most of these plebs.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:34, archived)

;P

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:38, archived)

You say that but i have a mutated coccyx

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:39, archived)

For the last time, that's because it's your penis and it's MEANT to be on the front.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:40, archived)

I shag pugs!

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:31, archived)

I've never said that. I would never ruin a pug with my epic thumper

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:35, archived)

Dude
I think that was supposed to be Spangolin
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:35, archived)

luuuuuuuuuuuuuuucky so and so :(

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:37, archived)

I reckon with the right scent applied to your shitter
you could get a pug to fuck you.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:38, archived)

I'm off to the fucking Body Shop now and stealing ALL their testers.
I'm going to have a flatfaced shit babbeh.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:39, archived)

yeah, it was amusing the first time

( well, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:31, archived)

Mykeyboy?

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:31, archived)

you'd have made some hilarious fat joke if it was surely

( well, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:32, archived)

I've had sex with every man in Italy.
That's where I am, Italy.

Not France, Italy. I used to live in France you know.
( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:31, archived)

*PANDERS*

( SuperMatt, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:32, archived)

I'm stumped.

( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:33, archived)

st h
( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:34, archived)

+ constantly.

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:38, archived)

bark bark!

( Lightguy hail satan, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:31, archived)

I'm more in love with Police Dog than a woman should be with a beast.

( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:42, archived)

sniffle snoffies

(Police Dog bark bark bark, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:44, archived)

OW! Stop launching your BMX's off my forehead!
/MoT
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:32, archived)

*sigh*
Oh ding
*sighs again*
Oh lovely lovely ding...
*sighs longingly*
How I miss my lovely smoochy sweetie ding
( Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:36, archived)

stuj

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:38, archived)

DING DING DING!

( Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:41, archived)

*blog style reply unrelated to the subject of the thread*

( well, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:40, archived)

That could be me.

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:41, archived)

Or me.
Although if it were me, it'd be threads rather than thread. I post a lot. It's very upsetting, apparently.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:42, archived)

It doesn't upset me.

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:42, archived)

You must have a list of things that do and do not matter.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:43, archived)

Every single thing I've encountered in my life is on there.

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:45, archived)

yeah i've noticed that
you seem to have become Bad Forum User of the month for some reason
( well, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:44, archived)

One dog gets upset, it sets the rest of them off....

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:45, archived)

Who isn't that?

(WANKERTRON you say "prick", I say "wanker", Tue 12 May 2009, 17:45, archived)

my impression:
"THATS A GLASS COCK YOU PRICK!!"
(Sawdustman now with added giro. again, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:43, archived)

One of our kittens just smeared its shit down the hall.
What is your solution?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:25, archived)

look out for long hairs it might have swallowed

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:25, archived)

Really?
Fucking hell.
Cunts.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

You need a Police Pug

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:26, archived)

Dude
you totally know what I am going to say
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:26, archived)

I fucking hate them.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:26, archived)

I was going to suggest killing it
or giving it away if you are squeamish/gay
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

Ask baldmonkey

( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

Due to my magnetic personality, when I run up and down corridors I generate a static electric charge
Doctors say it's a perfectly normal Hall effect.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:28, archived)

Remove your apostrophe for one.

( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:29, archived)

Oops.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:30, archived)

Are there any words left ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:13, archived)

cancer

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:14, archived)

cancersaurus

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:14, archived)

CancerHitlerAids

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:14, archived)

CancerFriztl

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:14, archived)

FritzlHitler

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:14, archived)

AIDSasaurus

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

Fritzl appointed Chancellor of Morality in Hitlers new Reich

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

Blimey, I just read an e-mail that b3ta sent me. They got an e-mail from.. somebody, complaining about my posts :(

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

haha
who? and why?
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

Were they complaining about you being a cunt ?
No one has ever complained about me.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

eh?
You're like one of the most unoffensive people here...
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

It's not actually a b3ta member, but it took me by surprise anyways.

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:16, archived)

In that case they can fuck off. Free country and that. Tell me what you said and I'll say it too and mean it 2x more.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:23, archived)

Does this mean I'm part of a clique?

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:26, archived)

Bwaaaaaahahaha
even I haven't had one of those. You must be soul-vapourisingly dire at being online.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:17, archived)

It's gilgamesh's fault, the wanker.

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:17, archived)

But you just whinge a bit
hardly worth a complaint.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:21, archived)

HA HA
Surely not? Some kind of aggrieved psychic, angry at your charlatan ways?
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:17, archived)

Oh fuck, no, but I should probably stop saying libel things about psychics and how they're all fake

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:18, archived)

But dude
that's not libel, it's SCIENCE
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:19, archived)

INTERNET LAWYER MAN TO THE RESCUE
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM HERE?
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

Man bites dog

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:22, archived)

CRUEL TREATMENT OF AN ANIMAL
STRING HIM UP I SAY.
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:23, archived)

bark!

(Police Dog bark bark bark, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:24, archived)

TO THE LAWMOBILE

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:24, archived)

Are you Marcus's dad?

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:26, archived)

It's only libelous if it's not true.

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

You should see my work contract.

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

Oh god, I bet mine is similar.
I'm on the boundaries of it telling you what I do for a living, never mind for which company or where. Touchy buggers.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:22, archived)

Does it say
"You have to beleive in shit, even if it's shit and obviously shit, and only desperate, socially malnourished fuckwits could possibly disagree with it being shit" ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:22, archived)

No, but it says that I'm not to discuss my work, employment or *anything* related to *anything* psychic with *anybody* that isn't already working for the company.

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:23, archived)

100% epic fail

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:24, archived)

It's like "OMG WE KNOW WE PEDDLE LIES TO VULNERABLE BORDERLINE MENTALS
SO YOU'D BETTER NOT REVEAL OUR DISPICABLE PROFITEERING TO ANY CUNT, RIGHT !"
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:25, archived)

Fucking hell, how come you got one, and I haven't?
Something is wrong.
( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:19, archived)

It was from september last year. And you probably don't have an old employer who googles his own name, the wanker.

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

What's his name
I want to google it.
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:21, archived)

Ohhh, I remember you telling me about that.

( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:21, archived)

Easy fix.
A bit of google bombing should see the first hit point to goatse.

That'll learn him.
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:23, archived)

Nahh, it was a while ago. I don't really care about him any more. He's still a pretentious wanker, I was talking to some of his
current employees y'day in fact, they all hate him too. I'm over it though.
( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:25, archived)

Best way.
Ex employers aren't worth the effort really.
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:27, archived)

I'll complain about you if you like.

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

She gets dribbly, crosseyed and dribbles on herself LOTS after a few beers
I think she said something nice to me but it sounded like an insult, I couldn't tell.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:22, archived)

I need your head.
You work around Soho and what have you? I'm looking for somewhere to take the missus for some scran before a show at the end of the month. I'm stopping at a hotel near the British Museum, Great Russell Street, which I suppose is near enough. I want to spend about a ton, other than loads of chip shops, can you think of a decent gaff to feed at?
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:26, archived)

Well I can see their point.
With posts like this: www.b3ta.com/talk/6144493
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

You're right, I am pretty abusive, even when I don't remember writing my posts.

( TonyUNDERSCORE from the Internet, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:22, archived)

(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

clearly

( Mrs. Spatum, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

Uvula.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

Ewwwww

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:16, archived)

I've got a beautiful uvula.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:18, archived)

mine was all swollen last week so it looked like
^uv_Ul^a
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:19, archived)

is it better?

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

yes
but my voice has gone from mahogonically sexy to honey-smeared oak-smoked orgasm levels in terms of depth. It's what it would sound like when continents fuck.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:23, archived)

Haha, make the most of it.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:23, archived)

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
It's all that's left at the bottom of the bag. No-one else seems to want it
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:16, archived)

i'll take one.
got a man in peckham wants one for his wife. how does forty pounds and a signed alpaca sound?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:19, archived)

it sounds like a shit attempt at being wacky and zany

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

This just stole my heart.

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:22, archived)

OR an attempt at being normal from an ULTRAWACKYZANYLOLBBQdizzle perspective?
maybe? no? ah well. back to the reports.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:23, archived)

We've had the millionth word added to the English lexicon recently.
It was n00b.

That's not a joke :(
( B.T., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:19, archived)

Yes it was
who the fuck has the authority to quantify what is and isn't a word? How do you count how many words there are? Didn't we reach a million three months ago, or won't we for another two?

You're an idiot.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

ok. an odd one for ya talk
so, against my better judgement, i THINK, i saw a UFO last week.
me and the girl were watching the sun setting over the sea. it was dusky. we both saw, and commented on, a light in the distance, so it's still early enough for street lights to be switched off. this light is hovering over the sea, and zipping about, stopping, moving fast and in straight lines. it was bright too, it's approx the same distance away as a lighthouse which we could also see blinking faintly. this thing, shit, i kid you not was moving at a speed you just don't SEE from terrestrial aircraft, not with the manouverability. it was dipping down almost to the horizon, then leaping up, moving across the sky a bit, dipping again. bright,m single, round point of steady white light.
now i'm a die-hard skeptic, shit ET could hand me a freaking key to the mothership and i'd STILL be looking for the cameras.. but i know what i saw, the GF was freaked too. there's an airfield RELATIVELY nearby, but this thing was moving WAY too fast and erratically. moved like a damn mouse cursor on your screen. no glass reflections, we're outdoors. clear conditions, low pressure, cool day, unlikely to be heat reflection.. what the fuck gives? weird as hell. it was approx 5-10miles away over open water, and the movements it made must have been jumps of absolute bare minimum 1/2 a mile at a time?
like i said, i'm a die-hard skeptic.. but this kinda spun me.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:06, archived)

LOL U R MENTAL
tl:dr

I have to go cook dinner now
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:07, archived)

'ya' really gets to me for some reason.
I may have seen UFOs before, but I very rarely pay anything but the bare minimum of attention to my surroundings.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:07, archived)

ya eh?
i have a terrible habit i picked up chatting on american forums late at night, of americanising words.. i must take myself outside and box mine ears, marquis of queensberry rules of course..
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:09, archived)

Or alternatively you could just fuck off.

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:10, archived)

I might, in a while.
Well, I'll have to. I don't live here.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:12, archived)

i COULD....
OR i could hang out here sneaking sand into your vagina one grain at a time, nonchalantly whistling a'la great escape.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:13, archived)

I don't have a vagina
This attempt to pander to me has failed.
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:16, archived)

how about i raccoon to you?
they're KINDA panda like.. in a good light.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

Let me spell this out
F U C K O F F
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:22, archived)

let me spell this out to you
T H I S

motherfucker

that's you told.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:25, archived)

Me too,
it always sounds contrived.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:20, archived)

Yes.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:25, archived)

it was me
sorry
( Lightguy hail satan, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:08, archived)

well stoppit
you nearly made me spill my acid on the sleeve of my red woollen shirt...
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:10, archived)

STOP STARTING SENTENCES WITH SO
Please
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:08, archived)

goddamn, i went to type something pithy starting with 'so'
and the autocomplete made me realise you have a valid point.
autopwn.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:12, archived)

I never knew Robbie Williams had a b3ta account.

( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:08, archived)

It was probably light bouncing off a strut
but try telling that to these bog-brained murphys.
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:09, archived)

Also, if you saw soemthing that was flying and you didn't know what it was
wouldn't that make it a UFO anyway?
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:10, archived)

Also, It was almost certainly something really boring
I wouldn't worry about it.
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:14, archived)

The light house was far away.
The gull was small.
( Neptune A dole queue dosser and foul mouthed chav., Tue 12 May 2009, 17:10, archived)

It was actually me drowning at the time with my forehead mirror on. I was playing fish doctors.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:11, archived)

If you couldn't identify it, then it probably was a UFO

( Imhotep is Invisible - Consider this a divorce, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:11, archived)

i saw something like that once
it was at glastonbury though, you discount that kind of thing
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:12, archived)

I went crop circle hunting around there. Was in a microlite and one appeared as we were coming back that wasn't there before.
Was only in the air for about 5 mins. Was a bit freaky. Got into the circle first and all the wheat was wizzing and popping.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:14, archived)

that wasn't a crop circle you FOOL!
that was a RAVE! damn hippies, easy to confuse with corn. they're always a whizzin and a poppin and trying to get you to shave whales. weird bastards. kill em all i say.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:16, archived)

haha
you noob
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:16, archived)

I was great fun.
You probably trim your tiny thicket of lank pubes into various shapes to attract spastics.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:21, archived)

yeah
things only seen while spacked out of your tree don't exist.
damn
by that logic, my uni house doesn't exist.


shit.

then where did i leave my cd's?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

"I say Xbbct."
"Yes Kllkgh?"
"You know that headscratcher of a problem we had about how do we get to fly low, undetected by those bally human types?"
"Oh yes."
"Well, I've come across a spiffing answer! We fly over Glastonbury!"
"Of course! The hippies will just dismiss is as part of their distortion perceptions due to the over-indulgence of drugs! Xbbct, you're a genxnypt!"
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:17, archived)

Not only are you shit at writing cohesive sentences
but you're a complete fucking moron. Fuck off.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:15, archived)

i am great at wiring adhesive sentinels thankyou very much
well, shit, one lame comeback deserves another.

umm...


your mum?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:18, archived)

EVERYONE CHILL OUT.
I fixed the car stereo. Apparently it shared a fuse with the cigarette lighter.
Still no working woofer though. :(
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:48, archived)

It's okay you don't need one.

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:49, archived)

get a Car Dog

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:49, archived)

JOKE RUINER

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:51, archived)

Dude
this shit is beyond you.

Let someone else do it.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:49, archived)

Do you realise that wiring in a dog to your car isn't a Woofer right?
Nor is wiring in an underwater dog a Sub Woofer.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:50, archived)

NO >:(
When you see a big dog with a little dog that is a woofer and a sub-woofer, DON'T RUIN IT.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:56, archived)

BUT PUGS ARE NOT 'SUB' THEY ARE THE MASTER RACE.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:58, archived)

They are not fit to bear the woofer name >:(

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:59, archived)

I agree. UBER WOOFER MORE LIKE!
2.bp.blogspot.com/_WVzu5P0oiDw/SRBcOrjhuCI/AAAAAAAAADQ/1TrGJa2KHpY/s320/monkey+pug.jpg
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:01, archived)

Hahaha!

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:13, archived)

Find out why the fuse blew in the first place
a blown fuse is a symptom, not the problem.

Unwire the power to the woofer, connect a spare light bulb from the emergency kit you carry around with you at all times because it's the law, then turn on the ignition. If the bulb lights, it's the woofer. If it doesn't light, it's the wiring.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:50, archived)

You're too sensible.
Get off the internet.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:51, archived)

When it comes to automobiles, I'm Captain Fucking Practical
Plus, I really want balders to diagnose for himself the cripplingly expensive problem he has in his car wiring.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:53, archived)

Crippling piffling.
He can just buy a few metres of twin and earth cable and rewire the whole kaboodle.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:54, archived)

Ideally on the outside of the car for maximum Heath Robinson effect.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:55, archived)

If fuses are blowing, something's shorting
which could mean chopping out entire sections of loom, or even the fuse box, which if left to balder's capable hands means an electrical fire and the complete devestation of whatever Korean fucking shitbox car we're talking about in the first place.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:56, archived)

I would love to see photos after this happens

(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:57, archived)

And during.

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:58, archived)

A video
as the sparks start and then the seats catch fire and his clothes catch alight so he's running around frantically bashing himself trying to put them out when the fuel tanks catches and only then does he remember to stop, drop and roll.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:01, archived)

:)

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:02, archived)

unfortunately electrical fires don't really look like that
you get a brief puff of smoke, an acrid stench and then thick clouds of noxious vapour. Your car must be an utter shitheap to start with if it manages to burn through to the fuel hose or into the cab.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:03, archived)

That's why I'm sure it would go up like a rocket

(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:05, archived)

Now you're just giving him ideas for his next podcast.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:59, archived)

Just stick an angry dog in there
Simple
( B.T., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:51, archived)

This makes me :(
www.cynical-c.com/?p=13347
"This is the worst book I have ever read!!! I started it with an interest toward the Holocaust. Anne Frank never talked about anything even relating to this major historical event in her short life"
( SuperMatt, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:51, archived)

This makes me lol in a bad way.
This book was soo boring i read 2 pages then i burnt it. If you read this book i will personaly burn it for u……. SHe dint need to rite a fricken diary she just wanted to become famouse and she wanted people to feel sorry for her!!!!!!!
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:53, archived)

Fucking hell

( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:54, archived)

I personally think that reviewer has problems with fire.

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:55, archived)

fire adulthood
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:57, archived)

To be honest, all books that contain the word Diary
are simply more ammunition for the argument that the entire human species ought to be culled.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:55, archived)

Type in 'anne frank's d' into google and look at the 6th one down.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:55, archived)

o_O
Afterlife?
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:56, archived)

Anne Frank's DDs?

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:58, archived)

Put the wires across you tongue to see if there is any power available

( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:51, archived)

Pick'n'mix strikethrough.
tongue penis
wires penis
power penis
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:00, archived)

SHAVED BALLS

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:01, archived)

Or "GOB STOPPERS" as I prefer to call them.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:05, archived)

So, the other day,
I go to brush my teeth. My dad was in the bathroom a few minutes before me. Upon turning the tap I feel something sticky on it.

I won't beat around the bush, it was semen.

My dad's semen.

My dad's cold, post-wank semen.

I know my dad watches porn, but I found out in the worst way that he also still masturbates. What's the worst way you've found something unpleasant out?
( B.T., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

tapwanking?

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

I presume he was washing his hands post wank.
There's a box of fucking tissues in the living room! :(
( B.T., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

is it in any way abnormal to have a box of tissues in the living room?
they're for blowing your nose.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:45, archived)

nose load
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:45, archived)

I don't like to imagine my great aunt Irene doing that.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:47, archived)

Each to their own
I'm sure she could make a healthy income on the internet from people who aren't so square.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:48, archived)

Dont repress her
she is a sexual being, she has a right to frot her mess of hair and spam while watching Eammon Holmes on the telly.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:49, archived)

Not at all
But why couldn't he just use a tissue? Rather than taint our taps with his spaff?!
( B.T., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:47, archived)

Maybe he thought someone else had claimed them.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:06, archived)

Reading b3ta
I found out that your dad is aroused by sticking a toothbrush up his shitter.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:43, archived)

surely the worst way would have been for him to come in your eye.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:43, archived)

Nah
bursting in on him pounding away at the side of your newborn baby's crib.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

Or waking up to see him, stark naked,
hunched double in the squat position, looming over you, sweat glistening from every pore, his hand pounding away at his love meat which is aimed at your face like a loaded shotgun. You make eye contact, and with a devilish grin he yells, "MORNING SON! BREAKFAST'S UP!" and then darkness.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:48, archived)

up your arse
would be even worse?
(Goatse not a comedy account, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:45, archived)

*boik*

( moohalaa, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:43, archived)

So, starting a sentence with "So".

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:43, archived)

Walked in on my parents enough times.
Hey, they still love each other. Hurrah for that.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:43, archived)

How many times is enough?

( thealternativefact, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

They're prolific.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:45, archived)

yeah but when it's all strapons and scat
it really is a little too much
(Goatse not a comedy account, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

I found out my dad trawls dating sites for old japanese women.
So, yeah, not much love there...
( B.T., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:45, archived)

You don't love your dad because he fancies Japaneses?
You fucking racist.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:48, archived)

He can love who he wants
But he's a hypocrites. He considers japanese people, black people, asian people, etc. etc. to be subhuman animals.

Yet all his porn is interracial.
( B.T., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:52, archived)

So in his eyes it's beastiality?
This gets better!
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:01, archived)

Not that I think this at all
but I don't think vibrators are people. Maybe that's how he looks at it. They're purely objects.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:05, archived)

More than once
is just voyeurism surely
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:45, archived)

Yeah, I chose for them to have sex in the living room right by the front door.
I enforced it.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:46, archived)

That's just a bit strange
Unless you can't afford a draught excluder, in which case it's quite sensible.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:49, archived)

I've had sex in my living room tonnes of times.
I'm not overly bothered by them, to be honest, and it was a long time ago.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:51, archived)

They were doing it by the front door while you did it in the living room?
Now that really is a bit strange.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:56, archived)

I have my own living room in an entirely different building now.
I'm 24, I don't live with my bloody parents.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:59, archived)

I think you're in danger
of taking my replies too seriously. I was simply trying to make humorous comments about your parents humping. I wasn't trying to annoy you.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:00, archived)

so was I....

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:02, archived)

When you say "several times"
Do you mean "several times in the space of one minute" ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:46, archived)

In the space of one girldom.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:47, archived)

You think they'd have the decency to do it in their own bed by now.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:47, archived)

You would.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:48, archived)

"Ohhh mum, *sad face*, I'm supposed to eat of that !"

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:49, archived)

at least he didn't spunk on your toothbrush

( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:45, archived)

His mum already does a full on squirtatic mimsy gush on it so it would defeat the point

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:46, archived)

SQUIRTLE!

( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Tue 12 May 2009, 17:11, archived)

OR DID HE?

(MooCow_Byter, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:47, archived)

If your Dad was to just beat around the bush
this kind of thing wouldn't happen.
( thealternativefact, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:48, archived)

Maybe he'd just seen the advert for Swine Flu
And wanted to blow it, bin it and wash it.

Or whatever.

Oinkment, blah, blah, blah.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:49, archived)

Wait, how did it get on the tap?
Was he looking in the mirror at the time while purched on tip toes?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:50, archived)

Tap dancing
All the kids are doing it nowadays.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:54, archived)

STOP THIS MADNESS! AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH.
( Jobe, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:36, archived)

Is that meant to be a 403

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:36, archived)

click in the URL bar
and hit enter again.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:37, archived)

I can't be arsed

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:38, archived)

^
is it like an otter but bigger?
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:39, archived)

Bogus Official ?
No that's like a b3tan but with more "hissssssssssssss"
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:40, archived)

Is he a record?

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:40, archived)

Background noise dear
do keep up.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:41, archived)

Apologies, I currently feel extremely odd.
I'm hoping hayfever makes you dizzy.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

I dont get hayfever
spinning around and around in a circle makes me dizzy.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:43, archived)

I haven't done any of that today.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:49, archived)

Cheek!

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

I wholeheartedly support the concept of sticking one's fingers in one's ears
and bellowing LA LA LA
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:37, archived)

It's yawning
like ym
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:38, archived)

OTTIRRRRRRR

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:37, archived)

I keep my otters in the fridge.

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:37, archived)

Makes them sluggish
and easier to rape.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:38, archived)

Do they go mouldy otherwise?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:38, archived)

I put sugar and milk in my otters
and put the milk in FIRST
( moohalaa, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:41, archived)

Always with the allusions to sex you'll never have

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

Yes! Down with 403!
And your knickers.
( B.T., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:38, archived)

2.bp.blogspot.com/_xj0h9Pm9zyg/SQtrknByTmI/AAAAAAAAA-o/_K9o3ueMyHo/s400/PugPuggy-Dino.JPG
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:39, archived)

roar!
I can cross that one off in my
picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/WhdlbgD-A132-INRdSDOHA
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

OTTAH SAINTS OT OT OTTAH SAINTS

( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

Cock Tuesday or Shit on My Chest Saturday?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:33, archived)

The latter

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:34, archived)

Near the Top
I'm very close to 2000 posts. Is there some sort of /talk tradition upon reaching certain post milestones?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:35, archived)

Suicide

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:35, archived)

Nakedness.

( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:36, archived)

Followed by
"fish around the cavernous flesh-folds of my moobs for an elusive, crusty stool Sunday"
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:35, archived)

Flaps Friday.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:35, archived)

Surely you must flap everyday

(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:35, archived)

I use them to protect cricket grounds when it rains.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:37, archived)

Shirley Shit-On-My-Chest is on Turdsday?

( thealternativefact, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:37, archived)

No it's Naked Thursday
And Anal Friday.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:38, archived)

IN MY TEA I LIKE BISCUITS
BUT I HAVE NO BISCUITS SO I MUST WEEP


OR MAKE BISCUITS
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:30, archived)

Or go fuck yourself

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:31, archived)

I thought you were leaving ?
leaving ? a cunt
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:31, archived)

Did you find the bug in the end?

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:31, archived)

In the end of what?

( thealternativefact, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:31, archived)

His cock
LOL !
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

LOL! Tuesday
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:33, archived)

Not possible.
Cock Tuesday never seems to end.
( thealternativefact, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:33, archived)

It was a 'wood' louse

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:33, archived)

Waaahhh Waahhhh Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:33, archived)

It was a Jimi Hendrix woodlouce...

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:35, archived)

Nope.
But I think my mum just wants to spy on my dad.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:43, archived)

Just pop to the petrol station and pick some up

( SuperMatt, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

Easier to go to sainsburys.

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:43, archived)

the children's version of "i have no mouth and i must scream" wasn't as popular as the original

( Lightguy hail satan, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

dunk toast

( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

Have parkin. Dip that in your tea.
It's lovely.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

Red Rocket brought me Parkin at the Xmas Bash.
It was fucking lovely.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:34, archived)

It bloody is. I haven't made any in ages, but I might borrow my best mate's oven this weekend
and do so.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:35, archived)

I would like some.

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

You people make me sick
Happy Cock Tuesday and goodnight.
( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:28, archived)

Some nice lady at the park gave you sugar, didn't she?

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:28, archived)

he's fired
up
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:29, archived)

A can of relentless
and a slice of Coffee and Walnut cake.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:29, archived)

Relentless can get to fuck
but cake sounds good.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:30, archived)

I've never tried it
but I suspect you have formed a valid opinion in this instance.

Cake is also something we agree on.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:34, archived)

That's 2, almost 3 things.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:36, archived)

and or
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:28, archived)

Wormulus or AIDS ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

I got AIDS from Wormulus
worst way to get it that is
(Goatse not a comedy account, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

OH MY GOD I THINK I'M GOING TO CUM - YES I'M CUMMING ALL OVER THE INTERNET OH YEAH OH YEAH! YES! YES!

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

It was like a budgie's tear that spunk was so small...

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:30, archived)

Yours is like a tiny mouse spitting.

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:30, archived)

Yours is like a baby anteater with a horrible cold.

( L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

You cock is so tiny and dry it spunks cobwebs and gobi desert

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:36, archived)

FIREFOX OR OTHER INTERNET BROWSER?

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

INSTALL LINUZ

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

George Foreman Grill

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

Ricky Hatton Toaster
/can't take two rounds
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:28, archived)

Left handed wank or right handed wank?

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

Slamming the lid of your laptop down on your erection repeatedly.

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

I HAVE NO PENIS

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

you can still wank though!
let me show you

lolinternetstalklol
(Goatse not a comedy account, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:29, archived)

I just stare mine into orgasm.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:29, archived)

Microwave or Hob

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:26, archived)

Toaster

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

you can't put a frying pan in the microwave.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

Eager fat lass or less keen fit bird?

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

Hob. My microwave only heats up my hot pillow thing and coffee when I've let it go cold.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

good job, hob

( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:28, archived)

Imagine if your surname was Gonemad and you wanted to join the Police ?
You'd be "PC Gonemad" people would laugh.

It would ruin your life and you'd kill yourself with a hammer.

What's your favourite Advanced Dungeons & Dragons monster ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:25, archived)

Purple Worm

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:26, archived)

Silent Demon

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:29, archived)

Gelatinous cube.

( FoldsFive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:29, archived)

Ooooo goood choice

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

Woah.

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:33, archived)

Gelatinous cube.
Stupidest of all monsters.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:32, archived)

Fridges
Setting number 3 or setting number 4?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

my coffee has been dispached!
coffee beans: freezer or drink the motherfucking lot in one go
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

Grind what you need each time you need it. Actual beans don't need to be frozzed I don't think.

( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

Yes they do.
Beans go stale about two weeks after roasting.
Grounds go stale about twenty minutes after grinding.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

Well I never.

( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

*breathes in*
The refrigerator is the mortal enemy of your coffee. Taking coffee in and out of the fridge is a sure way to suck the flavor right out of it. Coffee that will be used frequently and immediately—whole bean or ground— is ideally stored in an air tight, opaque,and glass or otherwise inert container. Coffee that will not be consumed immediately but needs to be preserved for near-future use can be safely stored in the freezer assuming it is stored in a dry and air tight container. Storing an unsealed container of grounds or beans in the cold temperatures of either the fridge or freezer is a sure way to accelerate the its journey from delicious flavor to stale bitterness
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:23, archived)

I like that coffee and milk dust that you just add water to.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:29, archived)

I only read your post and thought
you were talking about baked beans. Makes more sense now I've read the other posts you were replying to.
( Jobe, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

this is what i do
frozzing seems to help keep the smell fresh, though this may be verification bias
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:21, archived)

my best mate's all coffee nazi'd up
and he keeps the beans in the freezer, so you're in good company.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:23, archived)

Ive happily left grounds out in a semi sealed bag
Tastes just as good as far as i can tell

I suspect there to be a level of poncery to all this
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:26, archived)

There probably is
but the coffee he makes me is the best I've ever had by far, so meh.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:26, archived)

A discerning palate is not poncery.
If you can't tell the difference; fine, if you can, do something about it. In the coffee shop I use, I can tell who did the morning roast by the taste of the coffee...
( L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:30, archived)

You utter ponce.

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:31, archived)

I smoke, so I don't think I could do that
but his coffee still rocks my world.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:31, archived)

So do I...

( L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:33, archived)

Or, perhaps, you've never had a properly, properly, properly fresh cup of coffee
and so have no higher benchmark on which to base your opinion?
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:28, archived)

i'm not saying that you can't enjoy coffee any old how
but i do think it tastes better if it's had a pompous fuss made over it
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:31, archived)

The bottom line is
why have adequate when you can really really good?
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:33, archived)

my bottom line is: if it doesn't bother you, why worry?

( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:42, archived)

Because people will end up thinking that Starbucks coffee is better than their coffee
when they're actually both just as shit and suddenly Starbucks becomes the benchmark and everything in the world ends up being shitter.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:44, archived)

i shall make out like i know what i'm doing then
rather than admit that i do it because it seems like a nice idea and it vaguely works

*goose-steps*
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

Seperate into bags of how much you'll use in a week.
Put all except one into freezer.
Use that one.
Use another one after that.
Continue, etc.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

grinding them from frozen actually seems to work better
it makes the beans more willing to jump into the mashy jaws of tasty death
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:24, archived)

Roasted, covered in chocolate, packaged in an 'ironicly cheap' matchstick box.
£2.50 a packet, or 3 for £7.49.

My chain of coffee shops will take eleventy crates.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:19, archived)

Why would you eat chocolate covered beans?
You take yummy chocolate and wrap it round something unpleasant. Why?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:21, archived)

Shush, that's my sedduction technique too.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:23, archived)

Enema.

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

I've got a pull cord for my fridge light.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

You store your milk in the toilet.

( thealternativefact, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

I keep mine in the cistern
DG keeps his in the u bend :(
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:24, archived)

I think I'll get you to make the tea, then.

( thealternativefact, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:28, archived)

I saw Cam's photo of you on his flickr.
It's rather good, makes you look like a rock star type.
( Jobe, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

I am a rock star though...

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:26, archived)

Cheers Jobe.

( L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:34, archived)

I've got an afro with a kick-stand.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:19, archived)

I have a forehead with a landing.

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

Our fridge is really cold and I don't like it but my housemates are obsessed with icy cold beer.
I surreptitiously adjust it when I remember but they always find me out.
( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

Tippex over the numbers and write new ones on there.

( thealternativefact, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

Get a claw hammer
and the next person who touches the dial gets a broken hand.
They'll learn.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:21, archived)

They're each twice the size of me.
And I'm a girl on the internet so, you know, pretty sizeable.
( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:22, archived)

But you've got a claw hammer
and they've got broken hands.

You could always hit them when they're asleep and then explain why.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:24, archived)

It depends how much stuff is in it, innit?

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

The coldest it'll go
because it's old and shit.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

my fridge is set to exactly 2 degrees and my freezer to exactly -20
but then I have posh cooling equipment.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

I want one of those huge ones, that have an ice maker and water cooler in the door.

( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

buy one then
thats what everyone else does when they need new shit
(Goatse not a comedy account, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:28, archived)

The rule of thumb is that if the milk is frozen, you need to turn it down.

( Comma, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

We had a fridge which would be cool at the front but at the back would freeze milk.
So we just kept the cheese at the back and milk in the door.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:21, archived)

Eggs.
Fridge or cupboard?
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

In cakes

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:12, archived)

Thats certainly one medium term storage solution

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

Fridge.
In the special thing for eggs.

Mum has a pot chicken.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

We used to have one of those.
My brother broke it cos he's a clumsy left handed shit. No great loss, they're pretty naff. We also had a ceramic crying onion.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

I'm a clumsy left handed shit
so I know his pain, I'm constantly dropping stuff. HOWEVER I've got ninja reflexes for some unknown reason so I catch most of the things I drop.

My kitchen now has a little cactus called Little Min.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

I'm left handed and very rarely drop things.
Maybe you're just a mong.
( Jobe, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:19, archived)

Could be, could be.
Birds of a feather and all that.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

Left handed people are the best.
You've got a double pair of Beadle's you have.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

Damn right we are

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

*left hand high fives*

( Jobe, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

I don't eat them
More thrills later.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

whichever has room (generally fridge)
you lot are obsessives
( spacefish bong!, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

Depends whether they're still in the chicken or not.

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

Cupboard
you fucking icemongs.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

I support this view

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

I agree.
But why do fridges have little egg shaped holders sometimes? Maybe peolpe are afraid they'll hatch if they get too warm? WHO KNOWS? Mrs Flappers keeps them in the fridge, doesn't she?
( Jobe, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

A lot of people don't seem to understand how eggs work.

( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

A lot of people are stupid.

( Jobe, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:17, archived)

Indeed.

( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

www.b3ta.com/talk/5987165
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

The "Official Line" is that eggs should not be
subjected to changes in temperature and humidity that could cause condensation to form, and, since domestic kitchens vary a lot in both, the most stable environment - generally speaking - is the fridge. So, while they do not need to be refrigerated, the fridge can be a good place to store them. I keep mine on top of the fridge next to an air vent, and quite often use them when they're weeks out of date.

PS: I'm not dead yet.
( L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:23, archived)

I always crack eggs into a cup first, then give them a good sniff.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:24, archived)

I let fate decide.

( L-Space - scientia sapientes vocat., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:27, archived)

Cupboard if for baking with.
Actually, cupboard in general. They don't need to be refrigerated. Noit won't believe me.
( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

Cupboard
If they were supposed to be cold then surely the shops would keep them in a chiller.
( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

I just punch a bluetit out of its nest and gobble the latest brood.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

Fridge, but brought to room temperature before use.
Cold eggs are the cause of most failed cakes IMO.

They last forever in the fridge.
( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

under a warming lamp
aw chikinz
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

They'd have to have spunk on them.

( Esme Weatherwax I swear on my tash it's daycent hash, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

Fridge.
I don't eat them fast enough to put them in the cupboard. But take them out for a bit before you use them.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

I often forget I've got eggs. They don't stay in my brain well.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

I think this means you need to make more cakes.

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

My oven refuses. Fucking electric piece of wank.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

also if I leave them on the side then I have the urge to smash them on the floor every time I pass them
so they're safer in the fridge really.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:19, archived)

it's satisfying, chucking eggs.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:20, archived)

They're easy to forget
when you keep them hidden in the fridge.

I know what you mean, though, they are the invisible ingredient.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:21, archived)

Spattered across the faces of customers leaving the plus sizes shop.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

I keep my eggs in the fridge though.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:18, archived)

Marmalade:
Fridge or cupboard?

Only you can solve this flat's dilemmas.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:51, archived)

ANOTHER THRILLING REID CONTRIBUTION

( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:51, archived)

I TWEETED MY ANSWER

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

I shouted my answer out of the window
which is about equally pointless IMO
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

Indeed.
Also my finger tastes of soap. BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT. DID YOU?
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:04, archived)

did you forget that you'd washed it since milking your prostate?

( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:06, archived)

I don't have a prostate :(

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:07, archived)

That must have been an uncomfortable operation.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:10, archived)

Like your face.

( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

Should be fine in the cupboard,
unless it takes you months to finish a jar.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:51, archived)

In the fucking bin
Marmalade is like Jam with downs syndrome.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:51, archived)

unless it's onion marmalade,
which is a power of awesome.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:52, archived)

Works well with brie.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:55, archived)

and remember toes make a great dip idea.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:06, archived)

Especially with super strong mature chedder
on crusty bread
( crazyjude is very happy with happytoast and his skill, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:55, archived)

Everyone is suggesting cheese.
I like this outcome.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

this out
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:57, archived)

I've gone off cheese lately.
I don't know why and it's quite upsetting.
( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 15:59, archived)

Are you accidently vegan?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:59, archived)

No. I used to be though, but I like eating fishies and moo cows too much.

( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:03, archived)

PREGGERS

( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:07, archived)

Not a chance. I don't have sex, me.

( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:15, archived)

I have an onion and chilli marmalade that, when added to cheddar on toast, makes me weep with joy

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:59, archived)

I swear when I first read that it said "willy weep with joy"
Did you amendit?
( crazyjude is very happy with happytoast and his skill, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:01, archived)

HA HA
No, you can keep your perverted heterosexual fantasies to yourself.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:04, archived)

Consentual heterosexual sex in the missionary possition?
Eww, pervert.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:08, archived)

fuck that
with chicken liver pate. or a lovely bit of foie gras. You can shove your mature cheddar.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:01, archived)

*French accent* Have you ever seen someone make fois gras? That is how I make love to my women. */french accent*

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:03, archived)

you lock them in a shed and force-feed them grain until their liver explodes?
sweeeet.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:04, archived)

Eet iz a behutiful mehtafor, ez it noht?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:09, archived)

Actually, agreed.
Also agreeing with MGT- it's damn good in cheese on toast.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:52, archived)

In theory marmalade should be aweseom
It's jam, made with oranges, both of which I love, but it's fucking rank.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:53, archived)

Why can't it be nice? They manage to make orange JUICE nice.
It's like grapefruit, which is the most piss poor fruit ever. Tastes of earwax and blech.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:54, archived)

haha
I never thought of earwax but I get what you mean there. I'm never going to be able to eat a grapefruit again.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:54, archived)

Good, I'm glad I've saved you from it's evil clutches.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:58, archived)

I hate grapefruit
but I love orange and grapefruit juice.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:59, archived)

Mixed together? I might have to try that.
I like pomegranate, apple and raspberry. Or at least I think that's what it is.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:01, archived)

I prefer it to most jams,
because most jams are sweet. Strawberry jam in particular can fuck right off.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:54, archived)

Strawberry jam
can indeed fuck right off. Right off into my tummy.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:58, archived)

Racist to downs :(

( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:54, archived)

They aren't a race
You have to be human to be a race.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:54, archived)

what about a horse race?

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:55, archived)

When have you ever seen a mong
win the Grand National ?

*rests case*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

1997

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:59, archived)

He only won because he was driving a bumper car.
And he wouldn't stop crying because he thought the horses were chasing him.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:05, archived)

it's the same rules for everybody.

( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:07, archived)

Cupboard
Mrs F keeps jam in the fridge, it drives me MENTAL and makes me want to HURT THINGS with HAMMERS.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:52, archived)

Dude
you have issues.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:53, archived)

*I'm* not the one who keeps jam in the fridge.

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:54, archived)

Can you not just leave her ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:55, archived)

I'm not going to let her win.
Not that easily.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

Kill her a bit with a hammer
then leave ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:57, archived)

she's right, you know
MOULD, Flappers. MOULD.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:58, archived)

The point of jams is not to go mouldy
because they're so sugary. They stay good for ever. Or at least for an inhumanly long time compared to how long they last when they taste so nice on buttery toast.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:59, archived)

Or in semolina

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:59, archived)

Mine always get mouldy.
I see your point but in practice it just doesn't work out like that.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:01, archived)

that's from using a knife that isn't clean, spangles.
clean knife = no mould.

the fact that jam is every colour of the wrongbow is by the by.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:02, archived)

I'm not using two knives when I can just as easily have cold jam.

( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:05, archived)

fucking knife HEATHEN.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:05, archived)

I put toast crumbs and butter in the marmite...

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:06, archived)

you shag Hitlers

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:09, archived)

It's in the fridge.
It's special Paddington Bear marmalade.
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:53, archived)

I like Bramble Jelly Jam
It's the only jam I eat.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:56, archived)

Fridge.
Unless you like mould on your jams.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:57, archived)

This is my point. Why the hell would one put it in the cupboard?
That's where dry things, condiments, tins and that sort of thing live. Not wet things.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:59, archived)

In theory you're meant to be able to keep it in cupboards
as it's got lots of sugar in. But in practice, you can't.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:00, archived)

My cupboards must be stealth bastards then.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:02, archived)

if you can't,
it's because it's crap cheap jam made on the assumption that everyone keeps it in the fridge these days.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:02, archived)

because the entire point of jam is that it keeps.
that's why they invented it, long before fridges.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:01, archived)

But it doesn't. Furry jam hats, MGT.

( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:02, archived)

I've seen it happen.
They're obviously not doing it properly.
I visited a cider farm the other week, and they make jam there too, and the guy in there said that there's a certain amount of sugar you have to put in before it won't go off. They make sure they put enough in, at least, even if Tesco think they can economise on it.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:04, archived)

I have that Bonne Maman stuff, maybe they're just as bad.
Actually, my nan's jam never went off.

AHHHH.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:05, archived)

Marmalade in the fridge and jam in the cupboard
I prefer the texture and taste at those temperatures
( M o D, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:58, archived)

Between the anus and the colon.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:00, archived)

I'm listening to Bat for Lashes.
I fancy her. I really do.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:03, archived)

I listened to that t'other day.
Quite liked. I can't remember what she looks like though...

*googles*
( Jobe, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:13, archived)

Not totally convinced.

( Jobe, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:14, archived)

Rubbish marmalade in the fridge (else it turns back into orange juice)
proper marmalade (made with proper sugar - not glucose syrup) keeps ok in the cupboard

/Mamade ftw!
( CanonCaliber A big bore, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:05, archived)

Cupboard

( WormuIus, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:07, archived)

Also...
can anyone quickly explain Manichaeism to me? And more specifically why some chump would say that a vital characteristic of a detective story is a manichaeistic ideology to explain the contrast between good and evil?
( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:08, archived)

Good vs Evil dualism and eternal conflict between the two.
A detective story is a story about the "good" detective in a struggle against the "evil" criminal mind.

Except in Heat/L.A. Takedown where the point was that good people and evil people are the same. Maybe that is why it was crap.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:11, archived)

Hmmm.

( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:16, archived)

Another point might be that in contrast to other hero-based stories,
the detective doesn't save the world or significantly change things for the better. He simply solves one case, and we presume that after the story is over, he goes on to solve more cases, and on in a neverending struggle. But he persists, because he's "good" and that's what being good means. Ultimately, he's only preserving a balance or status quo between the one side and the other.

Perhaps the point that Heat makes is that the difference between the two is entirely a case of taking sides, and that even though both sides are necessary to create a balance, the roles could nevertheless be completely reversed without making a jot of difference.
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Tue 12 May 2009, 16:21, archived)

Oooh. Yes. Very interesting. Thanks.

( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Tue 12 May 2009, 16:25, archived)