Jerry...
...Sadowitz to a heckler..."Dont tell me how to do my job, do I tell you how to pimp your sister"
( fejling, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 23:14, Reply)

comebacks...
I work on the phone's for a major mortgage lender and some customer was getting really arsey over nothing shouting and screaming so in my politist voice i asked 'Do you know who you're talking to?
'No' puzzled customer 'Why?'
'Because I know where you live, now Fuck off!'.
and I hung up.
Another one is when someone asks to borrow something the reply,
'And would you like fries with that?'

if anyones posted Winston Churchills classic then i apologise but this is the best ever,
some woman went up to Old Winston at a party once and said 'Sir you are drunk'
Winston looked her in the eye and replied, 'Madam you are ugly, i shall be sober in the morning'
No wonder we won the second world war!! sheer class.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:53, Reply)

My favourite come back to absolutely any insult
is

'Yeah I know, so am I'....

i.e.........
them: 'You're such a fat twunt'
me: 'Yeah I know, so am I'

The trick is to be noncholant about it, as if you've misheard them. It drives people mad, almost to the point of violence.
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:52, Reply)

When one of my friends said one of the tired, "your mom was good in bed last night" jokes
I came back with a "Well, while you were trolling for middle aged booty, I was with your mom. First I gouged out here eyes with razor blades while raping her, then I broke her jaw, fed the blood scraps of her eyeballs to her and shoved a nine inch nail through the roof of her mouth and into her brain. She twitched on the floor for a while, so I decided to finish the job I had started with the raping."

My friend just stood there. I think he almost cried.

little bitch
(Armer Farmer, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:46, Reply)

This is a corker (Garry again!)
So also while in Spain (same holiday - see previous post), we were in our hotel and hed been at the bar for most of the night.

We went to the gents, took a piss, and started to work towards the door...

Suddenly some German guy pipes up "Hey boys!.... In Germany they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom!"

To which Garry quips... "In England they teach us not to piss on our hands!".


Still makes me laugh 15 years on.
(JaffaMused local in the So.Cal, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:39, Reply)

In the 5th form at school...
I was pissing around in the corridor, repeatedly pinging the school bell, which was quite high up on the wall.
After a while a balding, elbow-patched teacher came out of a nearby classroom and started yelling

"You, boy! Stop that! You should know better at your age.
You don't see the first years doing that do you?"

to which I replied, completely deadpan,

"No Sir... the first years can't reach it."

Clearly outwitted and humiliated, he went back into his classroom.
(Idid, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:37, Reply)

I was at the movies a couple of year ago
(Sixth Sense, actually) and as I have a jacket fetish was wearing one of my many suede jackets.
Some girl turned around in the ticket queue and said "ew, you're wearing a dead cow"
I looked at her and totally deadpan said "thought I recognised the face".
My friends cracked up as they know my humour - she didn't get it at all until the guy in the next queue pointed it out to her.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:32, Reply)

After
verbally abusing a mate for 10 minutes solid, the exchange went thusly:

Him: "You're a cunt"

Me: "Yes, but an endearing one"
( Roman Totale, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:29, Reply)

I have two words, or maybe a few more.
Insult Swordfighting (and Insult Armwrestling, courtesy of Monkey Island)
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:28, Reply)

One summer
I was having lunch with my family, and my brother was complaining about his incompetent co-workers, and how one of them had been forgetting to lock the storage freezer (ice cream shop) at night.

"How many years do you spend pissing on the seat before someone tells you to aim for the bowl?" He remarked, making an analogy.

"You took four, dear." Replied our mother.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:07, Reply)

While at college
a rather scary strange girl, (who was also my best mate's gf at the time) was coming on to me very obviously in front of everyone on my course.

I used to wear glasses for reading, but as I was about to go up a ladder to arrange some of the stage lighting I took them off.

She then turned around and said.

"Without your glasses on you look great."

To which I replied-

"Without my glasses on you look a lot better too."

Cue no more embarassing attempts to cop off, result!
( trev Is not interested in your fripperies, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:07, Reply)

Well, two actually.
Living in Chelmsford, one tends to be surrounded by the tracksuit mafia. I always find that when you get one of them chavvy twunts ask you "Do you know who my dad is?", the perfect response seems to be "Yeah, Julian Clary".

Also, I attend a grammar school (don't laugh) and whilst in a local club, another charver type approached my mate Fred and started on a lengthy tirade about something or other. In the middle of said tirade, Fred interrupted, saying:

"Look, you can say whatever you want now, but in ten years time when I'm your Managing Director, I'll be the one laughing as you grovel for your job"

Which amused all and sundry to no end.
(scoob668, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:07, Reply)

"You suck."

"You swallow."
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:03, Reply)

lez
A lez comedian called rohna or sumthing, came to bristol and i duely attended. she shouts out from the stage " has anyone been to musselboura" being a service engineer and traveling the country i shouted "YES".
"so your the one i shaged" she replied (this was b4 she came out in the early 80's)

"Yes and im still iching"

much laughing

she dies on stage (not literaly)
(JLB8, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 22:03, Reply)

During a particularly heated....
telephone conversation with an ex girlfriend made some mentally ill monosylabic comment about yours truly. Smooth as an eel swimming in a bucket of swarfega I replied evilly "I should have listed to people when they told me about you" at which point there was a long silence and then the phone went down. When last seen she was eating gravel and talking to herself! Heh heh heh
(B3atMessiah, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:48, Reply)

Hard one to type this one
I used to work with a complete COCK who's dad was one of the director's of the company. One day he turned around to one of my collegues and said "Can you give my dad a ring please". "Can you give my dad a ring piece?" was his witty reply. "THAT'S MY DAD YOUR TALKING ABOUT" the hapless cock end replied. "Yeah that's right... he's already got one arse hole" I blurted back just as my mate fell on the floor laughing and the bosses son stormed off in a huff*

*erm... I don't work there any more
( GeordieSteve, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:36, Reply)

erm
It crap but its the only one i no.

man: If I saw you naked I'd die happy.
woman: If I saw you naked I'd die laughing
(Apples_and_pears, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:35, Reply)

.
Some possible responses to unoriginal insults:

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!"
"No, you're a cunt"

"If wit were shit, you'd be constipated!"
"But you'd smell like wit..."

"Talk to the hand"
"Fuck off hand"
( moonjam, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:32, Reply)

Ah, Harry Hill - That reminds me!
I bought some tickets to see Harry Hill at the Paladium about 6 years ago to impress some bird I'd just started seeing.
Anyway, nerves got the better of me, and I got completely bladdered before we went in to see him. I could barely see the stage, let alone make coherent sense of what he was saying, so was laughing at everything the comic genius said.
Unfortunately it all went quiet at one point, which I found hilarious and quite rightly pissed myself laughing.
Harry wandered up to the front of the stage, pointed at me and said 'You - Yes you sir, you there.... Are you just out of Prison?!' Audience erupts with laughter.
I shut up after that. Never saw the bird again either....
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:30, Reply)

Once,
Me and some mates were hangin' oot, like us teens do, and the usual insulting starting flying about. My mate Chaz (don't laugh)was bein a particular twat, but then an ice cream van came up, music blaring.

Him: Ice cream!
Me: The music means they've ran out, y'dickead.

Needless to say, it shut him up!
(McDave, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:27, Reply)

To a big-ego boy.
Bounced into the room in his expensive new suit and hair do:
Ego-boy "So what do you think?"
Me "i didn't know you could get athletes face."
(Craig [Est. 1985], Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:25, Reply)

Female disuasion
I always wanted to be a Woman (erm) so I could offer this retort to chat up lines:

"Is that a Mirror in your pants?"
"No. You just look like a cunt"
( moonjam, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:21, Reply)

Not mine Mk2
My brother and his best friend got the living shit kicked out of them by some gypsy scum when they were only about 14. When they were recounting the incident to both sets of parents my brother said "They just ran over and shouted 'what did you call my mate...?'" to which my brothers friends Dad chipped in "I hope you said 'I called him Cuntface!'"

Completely true.
( moonjam, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:19, Reply)

Resorting to School
tactics is my favourite...

1) Stinks, pumps and eats it

2) First the worst, second the best, third the hairy princess.

Makes me chortle
( GeordieSteve, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:16, Reply)

Memories
Slightly crap this one, but good memories for me.

My 16 year old brother was having his friends round for some 'parents away smoking/drinking' fun one night and he 'let me' sit with them (I was 13 at the time), he proceeded to take the piss out everything in that classic nineties sarcasm, assumingly in an attempt to impress the two girls who had come along.

Anyway, we were watching a terrible film with Mario Van Peebles escaping from a prison in an open top Jeep. As the bullets shot around the open frame my brother (sarcasm set to 10) offered "Hnh! NICE choice of car!" to which I replied "Yes. Because when you break out of prison you get a real choice". Oh the laughter more than made up for the beating.
( moonjam, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:16, Reply)

As I have previously reported, my mother is quite bonkers.
She has various obsessons, a recent one being making junk jewellery. It started when we asked her to sort out which of her earrings she wanted to keep and which to give away, pair them up and we would take them to the thrift shop. She instead began buying small toys of all sorts and gluing posts to them so she could wear them on her ears. It is also important to note in the story that my mother is 270 pounds and 5'2" tall.

My father and I tried to reason with her when she had made several hundred pairs of earrings and they had taken over most of the living room and dining room. My dad asked why she needed that many earrings, and Mom responded with "Because the old ones are no good any more."

With lightning-fast brilliance I shot back "Why, did you get too fat for them?" Mom didn't get the joke at all and so wasn't offended, only confused, but Dad and I laughed uncontrollably for several minutes.

**DISCLAIMER: I am not a horrible daughter, we are just a horrible family. Such remarks are a sign of affection in our house.**
(ghettobooty, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:10, Reply)

Ah there are many...
I can't take credit for this but I still wee myself laughing whenever I think about it.

We'd just started Art College and like most 18 year olds a lot of us were trying to act older & 'wiser' than we actually were. One guy took the biscuit though, every story someone told he'd done something much more amazing/impressive - this attitude was compounded by him being a truley terrible liar.

One night my friend was talking about how his condom had split whilst shagging his ex and the harrowing day that followed getting the Morning After pill. To which this little shit machine piped up

"Don't even joke about that shit man. When I was 12 I got my 19 year old girlfriend pregnant"

Needless to say we all pissed ourselves at the prospect of him ever having a girlfriend, let alone one of 19 at 12. He stood up and getting angry shouted

"Hey! I had to get her an abortion!"

to which my flatmate quickly replied

"What? Abortion of chips?"

I have never laughed so much in my life.
( moonjam, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:10, Reply)

MY best come back was a few days ago.
At work we have this boring greasy haired bastard (who incidentally is a year older than me but looks like 10 years older). Every morning he tells someone a story (which is loud enough for all in the workshop to hear)and then he tells another person the same story (they have already heard it you borin bastard, but I digress)

Apparently Mr Boring Bastard (as he shall be called) went away last weekend. HE said he was walking down the seafront when "I saw two young girls wlaking down the seafront, they must have been 10 or 12, nearly reaching puberty. What they were wearing shocked me. Its no wonder there are so many paedophiles around with girls walking round like that!!"

To which I replied "Why??? Did they give you a Hard on????" Whole workshop erupted in laughter, boring bastard left quiet. My crowning glory.
(Wook13 Been away but is now ducking a fuck on, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 21:00, Reply)

My friends have this habit of repeating everything just said, with "your mom" tucked in the phrase somewhere.
The best one was accidental. We were discussing whether to enter a car rally (scavenger hunt in a car) and whose car we should pile into for the trip.

Tom offered, "We can go in my car, but it'll be a little tight in back."

Gilly responded "Your mom's a little tight in back!"

Hilarity ensued. It was even stranger considering it was a *girl* who knew such a thing about Tom's mother!
(ghettobooty, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:59, Reply)

First question ive actually had an answer too :)
Sitting on a grassy hill near my school recently with a bunch of friends recently and most importantly to the story, my reasonably recent ex-girlfriend whom in general I still get on with but this day she had been going out of her way to annoy me (she told me this later). Anyway after a series of stupid insults coming back and forth she finally spouted

"you can go and suck dick"

To which I came out with the reply

"yeah, better then you can"

Needless to say I havnt talked to her in the last four days since this incident. It was worth it though.


p.s. sorry for language.
(ducksoup, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 20:54, Reply)