Knackering my nutsack
Being rather fond of ramming bits of metal through various parts of my body, and having a brother who works as a professional piercer, I got him to stick a large bar in my scrote. All well and good. Unfortunately, a few weeks later the piercing began to show signs of infection just as I was due to spend ten hours on a coach to Scotland.

So I packed one of the bottles of cleaning solution he had brought back from work. Knowing that the coach toilet was a wholly unsuitable environment for applying such things to testicular areas, I nipped into the loos in the station concourse and gave me nuts the once over with the cleaning liquid, before getting on the coach.

The coach was absolutely rammed with people, which made it particularly unfortunate that within a few minutes the tingling sensation on my jewellery bag transformed into a searing, burning pain. It turns out I'd picked up the wrong bottle - the solution I'd taken wasn't for cleaning piercings in situ but for sterilising and cleaning jewellery and was extremely irritating to the skin. Cue five hours of agony while I waited for the bus to stop at the service station in Leeds so I could get to a reasonably clean toilet and inspect myself. This revealed that 2 large and utterly black scabs had formed around the entry and exit holes of the piercing, which remained there for a week. When they finally fell off, the piercing was fine and every trace of an infection had long gone! Still, I'd rather have achieved this without incinerating my hairy sack of magic...
(keeferreefer, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:05, Reply)

minty fresh balls
Suffering from a terrible chest infection, I accepted a small bottle of eucalyptus essential oil (or it could have been mint) to rub on my chest. The sensation was like immersing oneself in extra-strong mints, and made my breathing much easier as I went to sleep ...

Only to wake up moments later with an excruciating pain in my pills. As one does, I'd been absentmindedly handling the fellas without first washing my hands of the oil. The sensation was akin to dangling them in fire and I had to rush to the bathroom to douse them in gallons of cold water.
(frankspencer, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:03, Reply)

Yet another cricket story...
Before I went to University and discovered the delights of beer I used to open the batting for the village cricket team. Occasionally I got a ball in the family jewels playing cricket but one incident springs to mind where I was glad that I was wearing a box. Because the bastard got broke in two. I also remember it for the comment by the umpire, who was an old Barnsley Lad.

"By 'eck young un, tha lass is going to be happy with thee.."
(sidthejedi, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:00, Reply)

Ticks
Thankfully not me, but a chap I know

Ticks are wee beasties you get in the outdoors usually where there have been many sheep/deer that latch on to you, take a bite and happily drink your blood for a while until you take them off or they drink their fill. Kinda harmless apart from the risk of infection and limes disease being passes on from the sheep/deer. Recently I was camping in an area seemingly full of the little buggers, and as such everyone got well practised in getting them out with minimal fuss

Guess where the one bite to get infected and need a visit to the doctors was?

David
(442, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Goatworrier, that condidition is known as
Vagina dentata and is a well known psychiatric condition.
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 14:48, Reply)

Ow!
One time, my girlfriend fell out of bed.

Unfortunately, I was sitting on the edge of the bed with her legs wrapped around me, and when she fell backwards she abruptly snapped my thingummy nearly 180 degrees and brought about a hundred and thirty pounds down on it.

Oh how she laughed as I doubled up in pain.

I had a huge blood blister that went all the way around the base of my shaft, and lasted for weeks. For a while, I was worried that it was permanently wrecked.
(Larry_Mudd, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 14:44, Reply)

Rugby Pain
Playing rugby your man bits are in positions that sometimes they shouldnt be.

One game we have our opposition pinned down in there 20 awaiting a scrum they are feeding to produce the ball. Out it comes to the fly half, he receives it and I chase him down putting the pressure on the kick.

I see the guy put boot to ball so I jump to block the kick. The only problem was that I stopped the flight of the ball with my goat dilly bag.
Queue pain and much woah.

I was sidelined for 2 weeks by the medico but in my wisdom I was back at training the next Tuesday.

So there I am telling my coach what happened and how I might have to take it easy tonight.

Just then the familiar call of "HEADS" is shouted out(basically a call put out to warn unsuspecting people that a ball travelling at quite a speed is headed their way).
I turn around and cop it sweet in the ball-sack.

I was out for a total of 4 weeks with bruised testies.
ooh ouch.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 14:42, Reply)

When I lost my virginity
I had no idea women had teeth up their mimsy. It frightened me the first time, but now I wrap it up in a thick sock before I let it near a ladies winkle.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 14:30, Reply)

Itty Bitty Scar
I have an ickle red mark, right on the top of the bell, just down from the hole that stuff alternately shoots or splodges from.
Caused by catching said bell in zip.
If it makes the Best Of, I'll post a pic.
(Darth Thump, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 14:20, Reply)

Christ
2 nights ago, was at a party at a mates house. They had cordoned off this area under her stairs by putting up a bed sheet over it, allowing people peace to sleep (or fuck..but don't think it happened).

Anyway, by the end of the night I need a bed. So I go there, am talking to a mate for a while then I decide I need something to cover me, and that sheet would work a treat. So I yanked it off from the stair above me to be met by a large amount of books fallen.

One smacked my chief saluter, by the corner, very quickly. As the red mist from my eyes started to clear I saw what book it was, a small one? Never. The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde.

My mate found it funny, far too funny....bitch.
(puggs, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 14:06, Reply)

HB anal penetration
During a geography lesson on town planning, the teacher gestured out of the window to the neighbouring council estate as an example. We all stood up to look.

The boy sitting next to me thought it would be very funny to hold his pencil point upwards for me to sit down on, which I did. The blunt graphite point pierced my trousers and undergarments and plunged about two centimetres up my rectum, glancing slightly off my outraged anus before I recoiled. The pain (and surprise) was shocking.

I paled and began to sweat manically, so much so that the teacher asked me if I was OK. Of course, I didn't admit to being violated by a pencil in from of my classmates. Instead, I sat shaking as blood seeped into my pants.

I later saw my classmate sniffing his pencil.
(frankspencer, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 14:04, Reply)

My mum
shut her nipple in the shower door when she was newly pregnant with my little brother. She'd not yet got used to how much bigger her boobs were.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 14:02, Reply)

Plums
A couple of years ago I took delivery of a brand new all singing, all dancing mountain bike (a Specialized Enduro for those in the know) and decided to take it to North Yorikshire for it's inaugural run.

All went well, beasting up climbs and hammering downhill like a man posessed so I was full of bravado when I was descending down a very steep and very wet incline.

Fuck. There was a huge pile of sharp, jagged rocks the size of baby heads in front so I did the only thing I could under the circumstances and pulled the handlebars up and attempted to jump the six feet or so of rock garden.

The good news was that I made it, by a whisker. The bad news was that my rear wheel began to slide and the bike snapped sideways as I tried to hang on and steer into the slide. Both me and bike pancaked over, as both front and rear wheels made contact with rocks causing the bike to stop abruptly, the suspension saving it from too much damage.

I however, had 180lb of inertia and impacted the top of the frame, testicles first at about 20mph. I blacked out for a while, but when I came to I couldn't move without excruciating pain. Everything above the knee and below the waist was this angry purple/blue bruise (but thankfully no bones were broken) and I spent the remainder of the weekend with a large bag of frozen peas on my bollocks and taking ibuprofen to numb the ache of my pods.

The very next weekend I did best man duty at a wedding, barely able to walk. The bridesmaids were safe from me that day.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:56, Reply)

Ooowww...
Front of a gig, against a barrier about the height of my tits, no security so there's nothing to stop crowdsurfers and the like, and it had all been good fun, but one in massive boots stood on the barrier to jump...trapping my nipple in between it and his foot.
Fortunately the music was loud enough to drown my howl.
(and now for someone completely different, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:53, Reply)

Acute Orchitis
In one of my previous careers as a raving alcoholic Bukowski wannabe I was driving my car home from the Gold Coast races when I quickly shoved the stubby of Tooheys New I was drinking between my legs to avoid the attention of a big policeman on a motorbike. What felt initially like a routine nut crush became days of pain. The condition was diagnosed by Dr Clarke as acute orchitis when one of your testicles is knocked off its axis.
(rodgerroop, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:52, Reply)

My mate's older brother
Snapped his banjo string once whilst shagging his bird in the airing cupboard. Strange thing was, he apparently didn't feel anything until he had finished the job and, erm "pulled out" to find himself greeted with a bleeding cock, a screaming girlfriend and the worst pain he had ever felt in his life.

Bet it was funny though.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:44, Reply)

Rude reminiscences with a brief reference to the rude bits of a former colleague.
I was once appointed a trainee called Mark. He had a deal of ability and I trained him well in the arts of drinking, gambling, lying, thieving and generally reprobate type behaviour as well as his job. He once had an unfortunate accident in the cocktail bar of Lennons Hotel in Brisbane. He snorted Jack and Coke out his nose, which is painful not to mention embarrassing. The reason for the snort was due to a statement by a work colleague, a lady named Deanna who informed us she had anal warts due to the endless bummings she had received over the years. Her rude bits had been used by men for years prior to that with no ill effects. Once a large portion of the New South Wales State of Origin Rugby League team took advantage of said rude bits in the gents toilets at the Park Royal and she once did the under the table thing at a work Xmas function. Once in my role of Area Manager I visited her house at 8am one morning to take her to a temporary assignment. Imagine my surprise when I walked in to find several colleagues surrounding her with their tockleys out and Deanna tending to them. My rude bits were invited to join in but warned by her not to blow in her beautifully styled and coloured hair...oops too late.
(rodgerroop, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:39, Reply)

Glad it wasn't my balls...
I used to work with a guy, Johnny, who had his balls crushed by his woman’s arse.

There they were, having it big time, with her on top bouncing up and down on his cock and loving it, apparently.
But she got a bit too enthusiastic and slammed herself downwards, trapping his balls between her very boney arse and his pelvis. Cue much screaming etc.

Johnny didn't think to much about it till the next day, when one of his balls was a wee bit bigger than the other.
Next day it was bigger still, so off he goes to the doctor, who sends him straight to hospital. He had managed to get an infection in his crushed testicle, it eventually ended up the size of a grapefruit, a rather large grapefruit.

He was off work for about 8 weeks while the swelling went down. I was unlucky enough to see his scrotum, due to him thinking it would be funny to show it to all the guys in the office, it was stretched beyond belief and bright red.

Apparently if it gets infected again, "it'll have to come out".

Although it wasn't to bad though, he made it into FHM, on the medical horrors article thingy.
(hudster, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:37, Reply)

visiting my Dad in Hong Kong when I was 14
I found the mozzys were a bit partial to me, so I took to covering myself in this mosquito repellant - I won't try and spell the name. It was a clear liquid and smelled just like tiger balm, and had the same pleasant tingling associated with it.

Only the tingling wasn't remotely pleasant on my crotch area. I 'readjusted' myself just after applying the stuff, and all of a sudden I disappeared to the bathroom with a bright red face.

my willy and goolies felt like they were on fire, and running them under the cold tap did nothing for it. After half an hour or so my Da knocked on the door and asked if I was OK.

Being rather embarrassed, I pretended I was fine, and returned to the living room. I don't think I was much company until what felt like hours later when finally it subsided to a nearly pleasant warm tingling.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:27, Reply)

Breasticles
A couple of years ago I did a weeks volunteer work at a playscheme for disabled children and young adults, and one day I was with the older teenagers group, some of whom were about the same age as me. Anyway, myself and the other leader, a rather nice looking young male, decided to organise a game of football for the 'more abled' of the disabled teens, and went outside to play. One of them kicked the football straight at me. I put my hands up to defend my face, but the ball missed my face and hit me straight in the tit. It was a very hard leather football and it hurt a lot. Like being kicked in the bollocks, but for a girl. Bent double crying my eyes out while this nice looking young male is going "Are you OK? Where does it hurt?". He didn't offer to rub it better though.
Length, Girth, Blah, Blah, I'd make a joke but I'm much too lazy
(The Who Bird is eating Jaffa Cakes on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:21, Reply)

Tiger Willy
When you get out of the shower, and have to iron a shirt, always wear underwear/a towel. I didn't and caught my old chap with the side of the iron. Lovely tiger stripe for a couple of weeks and no action possible. Oh, and yes it hurt mightily.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:05, Reply)

oooh, and this one
First car, big fat rover 220gt turbo. bit of moving shadow on the cd, marlboro hanging out of mouth, everyone in good spirits cruising in the summer sun. finish tab and flick tabend out window, laughing and joking and cruising along dual carriageway, when i realise it feels as though someone has stabbed me in the groin. my tabend had blown back in and lodged itself directly in contact with my bellend. I nearly stuffed the car across a busy roundabout as i hunched over screaming and smacking myself in the nuts to put it out.

can laugh about it now - still see the expressions of sheer terror on my mates faces
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:03, Reply)

Mountain bikes are a good source of pain...
Imagine the scene, on bike, heading down hill, hanging off the back as it was fairly steep and I felt no need to go headfirst over the bars

Then I hit something unexpected and slipped off the pedals to land perfectly on the back wheel, at this point spinning at a fair old speed...

Ouch

David
(442, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:52, Reply)

and just remembered this one
In middle school, about 12 or something, and just getting accustomed to bodies and things like that. Mate sticks his hand up in class and asks if he can go to the loo. Permission granted he trots off, but disappears for what seems like ages. Finally comes back white as a sheet. Sits back at the desk then leans across and whispers "you know when you have a wee, you pull the skin back to make it aim better? well, i think I pulled a bit hard. Its bleeding a bit." He wasn't fucking joking either, looked like he'd pissed himself (if wee is thick red and sticky)

he went on to be a rock god
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:51, Reply)

Frenulum, I knew ye so well...
Yeah you know what's coming.

About 10 years ago I was jumped by my girlfriend who was feeling particularly frisky and in the mood for a quickie. Suited me, and with a handfull of gorgeous woman I proceeded to manouvre the old chap into position for a good scuttling, and with one downward thrust of her hips "Ping!" I knew immediately that something was very wrong.

The frenulum had snapped, such was our over-eagerness for carnal satisfaction we hadn't allowed for lube, natural or otherwise, and I had a situation.

Watching blood well up from a fast dwindling erection made me go white as a sheet - The wound was tiny and healed in 24 hours, but I thought I was gonna have to go and get a stitch or something. I'll tell you now that seeing claret pissing out of your cock is something that no bloke should see, but on the upside that little bit of willy is 'very' sensitive now ;-)
(Jay Tea, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:51, Reply)

Mike's medical complaints
I've been waiting for a QOTW like this for ages.

Bum and willy. Two stories for the price of one.

Extracts from an article originally posted on my website years ago....

====================================================

It’s 1994. I’m 17.

After nature taking its course one day, I found I was in slight discomfort. Inspecting this discomfort was the obvious course of action to take. Due to the awkward positioning of this pain, obviously I had to investigate by touch only. Some people would have used a mirror, but I had no particular wish to see my own hole. When my finger touched what appeared to be an unexpected protrusion, for a split second I almost collapsed with fear. Then, I thought “ahh fuck it, it’ll go away”. It did go away after a week or two. I didn’t tell anyone.

Wind forward a few years – 1999. Again, I got lovely bits of protruding anal vein.

So that time round, being obviously more mature (ahem) I decided to pay a visit to the GP to ask him what to do, expecting to receive some medical advice and maybe some tablets or cream to make it go away.

What I should have prepared for was the examination. It’s not every day you’re in a strange room that smells funny, sort of lay on your side with your legs sort of spread apart whilst a man you don’t know that well covers an appendage with latex, lubricates it up and inserts it in your body. But that’s what happened to me. What sort of conversation is suitable for the duration of the probing? Silence? Smalltalk about trivialities in the news? Or forgetting the taboos completeley and asking “so, do you do this often?”. Me attempting to add some amusement by saying “If I pay you an extra tenner, do I get extras?” did not help however.

But piles haven’t bothered me since then. Oh no. Something MUCH worse.

One Wednesday a few years ago was an interesting day for me. Initially, it went pretty much the same as any other day; arrive at the work car park, stand in the lift and glance an awkward semi-smile at someone who i don’t really know, go into workshop, throw bag into drawer, check out the diary to see what I had planned for the day, sat down, carefully chiselled a gelatinous nugget of snot out of my nose and sat down with the usual plastic cup of freshly poured machine-cooled water. How very normal.

After an hour or so, my body informed me that I had an excess of water in my bladder, so, choosing not to ignore this warning, I sensibly walked down the corridor, commenced the usual ritual of not saying hello to anybody else stood at the urinals, then performed the act of the wee-wees. Taking a cursory glance at my liquid stream to ensure that i wasn’t pissing over the shoes of the guy stood next to me, my eyes were attracted to an unconventional sight. I appeared to be urinating Vimto. It took a few seconds for my brain to actually realise that dark red piss was not actually a sign of a healthy digestive system. This was strange. Weeing didn’t actually feel any different than usual, so why did i appear to be emptying my heart out of my genitals?

Post-pee, I relayed the story in lurid graphic detail to a couple of work colleagues, who suggested that I actually go and see someone about it. Which was probably the best idea. So off I trundled to the Occupational Health department, with my mind working overtime, creating wild ideas about the reason my body was malfuctioning in such a colourful way.

The Occupational Health department where I work is just like a Doctor’s surgery. You know, walls bedecked with numerous posters and leaflets promoting various ailments and diseases, describing symptoms so vague that it’s possible to convince yourself that you’ve had every single disease known to humankind. I’m sure that most of the diseases promoted on surgery noticeboards are completely fictitious, made up for the sole purpose of frightening people. But, jumping off that tangent, the Doc called me in, I described what had happened, though I chose to replace “Fucking hell, I’ve just been pissing blood!” with “I went to the toilet and noticed that my urine had turned red”

So, I pissed into a jar for the doc, and, although the hue was less vibrant than before, her test concluded that there was indeed blood in my urine stream. After a couple of doctors appointments, I ended up going to the hospital for a “flexible cystoscopy”. I don’t know how many of you are unfortunate to have experienced one of these, but if you haven’t, it’s not an experience that I’d undertake voluntarily.

I got into the examination room after taking off my pants and putting on this delightful hospital gown, and lay on the examination table thingy. For some reason the doctor felt he had to put his finger up my bottom as well, tunnelling deeper than on my previous arse-examination experience. But that was nothing. Fucking zero compared to the main event.

Picture a long, thin, flexible tube. Picture yourself lying there in a hospital gown watching a man advance his way to your genitals whilst two women watch. And then close your eyes for the rest of the fucking experience so you don’t have to make eye contact with the painbringer.

So anyway, he grabs hold of my cock, holds it one hand, holds tube in other. Informing me to brace myself, he then begins the oh so very unnatural experience of sliding a foreign object the wrong way up my pisspipe, scratching its way along my tubes. Then the real REAL pain came. The tube was about to go through my sphincter. The closest experience I can actually compare this feeling to, is like that of the straw puncturing the seal on a Ribena juice carton. Pressing against it and then…… ooop! It just burst through on to the inside. How very pleasurable. After much poking around, he withdrew his long shaft, and I limped out of the examination room, and straight into the toilet. The first piss was reasonably interesting. Standing there, in the usual position, my willy started what I can only describe as "sputtering". Like I was pissing air. Strange, very strange feeling. But as the first cascade of urine commenced, a delightful stinging sensation burnt it's way up my tube. I said something along the lines of "Ouch. Dear me, that was rather painful indeed, I don't wish to experience that discomfort again". Or something similar.

So anyway, the hospital analysed all the information they got, and everything was ok. Just a bladder stone or something lovely like that. Apart from it feeling like I was pissing broken glass for the next day or so after the cystoscopy, that ailment hasn’t bothered me since. So people, the moral of the story is drink lots and lots of liquid! I know I fucking do now.

I’m taking bets over which part of my body is next on the list to go wrong. Who wants to see my chart?

LENGTH!!!
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:47, Reply)

I let someone else do it for love
In my mid twenties I embarked on a period of abstinence and celibacy after a godawful period of emotional torture and manipulation. Women huh! Anyhoo, met this gorgeous but completely unpredictable little Italian American and fell completely head over heels. We dated a bit, we practised some belly to belly, and things were going swimmingly. Then she announces that she prefers sex without condoms, shes on the pill, and has had a full sexual health checkup inclung AIDS test and I can see the Cert if I want! We can move into anytime anyplace bareback riding anytime we like - so long as I go get a reciprocal health check first. Even got me the details of the specialist clinic (its in the Chelsea & Wesminster if you want a go). What oh, I thought, couple of blood tests, pee in a bottle, quick bollock squeeze and we're away. All these went swimmingly, then the big male nurse went away for a couple of minutes and reappeared with his swab kit. "This is going to be a little bit uncomfortable" he said. LIAR
We did have a great 3 years mind, but it still makes me cringe.

Playing cricket and my mate at short leg stopped a blinding sideswipe with his goolies. The whole field winced, he whispered "cnut" very gently, then slid to the floor more slowly than I have ever witnessed. Glorious to watch. Oddly, he got fined for foul language - he asked the umpire if he could kick him in the nuts and guage his response - compare and contrast etc.

btw, rhyswynne needs help

length, girth - not having a bit of it
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:45, Reply)

Not me but a friend of mine...
...went on a date a while back. She had a thoroughly enjoyable evening and ended up going home with the gentleman in question. Bottle of wine later and they're having a bit of a fumble on the sofa, moving to the bedroom is suggested and my friend decides to nip to the loo to freshen up before doing so.

Hair? Tidy. Make-up? Not smudged. Boobs? Looking good. Quick spritz of perfume & ooooo! She spots some baby wipes.

Excellent.

She peels the packet open and gives her self a quick once over when she is met with an odd "tingling" sensation. Its then she clocks the baby wipes are actually bathroom disinfectant wipes.

Then the burning begins.

Que Josi, kecks around ankles, hopping up and down on one leg trying to splash cold water out of the sink onto her burning crotch. Not too sure how she explained her soaking wet trousers to the guy who'd been sitting in his living room waiting for her but she hasn’t mentioned him since.

Funny that.

(woo first post!)
(Helem Ola chickens :), Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:44, Reply)

A story my father used to tell..
Back when I was a nipper we lived in Harlow, and my Dad was friendly with a bloke called Joe.
Joe lived a few streets from us, and rode a motorbike. He used to bemoan the fact that every night when he rode home from work, he'd park up, and as he walked away the same dog would always come along, cock its leg against his bike and slash on it.
This pissed Joe off after a few weeks, so one night he connected the bike's frame to the battery's live terminal.
The dog padded down the road, cocked it's leg on cue and then started to urinate.
Of course it instantly realised something was wrong as 9 volts shot up its wanger, but it couldnt break away until it had finished.
Apparently it legged it, and after that always crossed the road round Joe's bike.

It's probably been embellished in the telling but it comes up every few christmases at my parents house.
(LunarJim, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 12:35, Reply)