Boy was my face red
I was lying on my bed with a bloke who was fast becoming a good friend.

I had a huge attic room in a shared house and my ceiling sloped down at the foot end of the bed. Having consumed quite a lot of wine I suddenly felt compelled to walk up feet up my ceiling, my back still being on the bed.

When my legs got to about 90 degrees to my body, from nowhere, pressure arrives and departs instantly in the form of the noisiest fanny fart ever.

It had never happened before!

Stoopid, stoopid idea.
( 99redbuffoons Reversed the polarity of the neutron flow at, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 14:00, Reply)

Old Peculiar
Went to the pub last night to discover they had Theakston's OP on tap (a rarity indeed) and proceeded to quaff five pints of it.

Then I hit Pizza Express for a Sloppy Gieseuppe (howeverthefuckyouspellit).

Needless to say, my arse today isn't just perculiar, it downright stinks - a smell I'd forgotten about as it can only be created by the venerable OP. It does not help when you're hungover either.
(mattlacey, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:52, Reply)

Eve
When I was a student, there was a house in which 7 girls lived. I had great sex with 2 of them and disastrous experiences with 2 of them. I hasten to add that this was in my first year, and I was still not terribly experienced or indeed competent.

One night I had turned up there, pissed, with my mate. I was covered in mud, following doing a runner from a cab, and was trying to impress. About midnight Eve came home. I'd never met her before, but was impressed by her general appearance. An argument started, and she punched me in the face. I picked her up, ran the bath, and dumped her in it. We grappled for a bit and ended up kissing and fondling before legging it off to bed.

It was a shocking performance. It lasted barely minutes, and was amateurish in the extreme. The crowning moment was a loud fanny fart... "That wasn't me!" I said, crassly. I topped this a moment later when I let rip with a loud beer fart and said "That was!"
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:45, Reply)

1st parp... post!
There is a little game I play at work. I like to call it Drinks Machine Roulette.
Sort of like Russian Roulette but less fatal and more flatulent. I step up to the drinks machine, fart and then key in my drink request. I like the adrenaline rush that comes with the fear of discovery. Will I be able to grab my drink and flee before someone marks me down as a stinky bastard. I know one day I'll get caught but the joy of dropping one for the next poor unfortunate soul is too much of a lure. It is an addiction.

Number 99 chilled water is for the amateur. Number 22 black coffee for the professional.
But number 52; freshly brewed white tea with sugar, that is the mark of the Olympiad.
( Weejock, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:42, Reply)

Sealed for freshness
Leaving your lunchbox lying about is a fatal mistake if you work with erm, "a friend of mine". Few things are as pleasurable as watching someone hungrily open up their snap box to find someone else has dropped their guts into it and sealed it up to marinade their butties in the beefy ming.
Ah yes, Tupperware, the farting prankster's best friend.
(Rsoles, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:39, Reply)

The Family
My sister
We once rowed really badly, and I was really upset with her(whatever it was had not been my fault), however, I was just drifting off to sleep in my room downstairs when I heard (PAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRPPPPPPEEEEEEeeeeeeyy)coming through the ceiling followed by a little giggle of self appreciation and I could no longer maintain my stony silence the next morning.

My Mum recently farted at Tesco's at the opposite end of the aisle to my step-dad, Ken, bless her, she didn't think it was noisy, but Ken heard it right up the other end as did a couple of other bemused shoppers.

My Dad frequently used to clear rooms and have people literally climbing over each other to get out as they all started choking and falling sideways.

Mr Squirrel regularly thinks it's amusing to create a dutch oven and then roll over for a snuggle thus including his gas in the cuddle. Nice.

The most annoying thing in all this is that I'm not able to exact retalliation on all the analy vocal members of my family as my fart amplification sphincter appears to be malfunctioning.

Length, pah, I only wish they had sound.
( 99redbuffoons Reversed the polarity of the neutron flow at, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:34, Reply)

It was the dog...honest
My old dog used to love to play a little game when I walked her round the field which basically involved her running around me in a big circle, then straight at me, jumping up and nipping me and then running off again. In response, I developed the technique of turning side on so she bounced off my hip, therefore avoiding a flying dog landing it’s paws in my nuts.
One particular morning she started to circle, and when she came in for a strike, I turned my hips towards her and dropped a wonderfully loud baritone fart as she made contact. Off she ran, and when she came for strike 2, I let her have another blast. Another 3 times she came back as I tried to ration the fart gas, not letting it all go in one blast. Each fart got progressively weaker and higher in pitch, until I finally had to concede defeat, lest I follow through.
Laughing, I looked up to see 2 old ladies staring at me over the hedge absolutely agog. I could tell they didn't believe it was the dog.
(Rsoles, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Festival Farts
Got back from Guilfest yesterday (top festival) and had to empty my bladder about 04.20 Monday morning.

It was about a 5 min walk to the toilet - I must've heard x4 at least on the way there, and what seemed like several on teh way back.

Now, I find farts hysterical, and by time I got back to my tent, I could barely breathe. And it's difficult trying to have hysterics whilst not waking up everyone else arond you.

Long live teh guff.
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:22, Reply)

I am a "lady"
And my i boast to releasing the most noxious gasses known to humankind (generally after lager). And I fluff the duvet and stick my boyfriends head under it.

There are 2 girls and 3 boys living in my house, and us girls beat the boys hands down to burping, farting and really enjoying our own flatulance

It's not the length that counts and boys are rubbish
(nutttywings is living on the edge until, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:19, Reply)

Fart - Penis - Trivia
Was interested to note on one occasion that when inserted inside a ladies front bottom cracking off a fart causes the penis to vibrate as a sort of fart conductor. Apparently it is not unpleasant for the lady in question, the vibrate bit not the smell that follows.
(Euan Oos-army Josh, dad's found your scooter!, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:18, Reply)

Little Brothers
Younger brothers seem to be the leading authorities on farts, I never had one myself as an only child.

I did have a friend whose little brother would trap his farts inside a fish food container, and seal it up. The fart would mingle with the smell of fish food, and he would release it under the nose of an unexpecting victim at his leisure.
Fish food and bum gas is a lethal combo.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:05, Reply)

The History of Farting, part 1
"The first kings of the Aztec empire were not born into rulership, but attained their rank by competing in a contest known as 'The Chamber Test of the Divine Brown Butterfly'. Each of the would-be kings gorged for a number of weeks on a special dish called 'Popolota', made from a number of different locally-grown beans and flavoured with large amounts of cumin and hot chillies. Come the day of the test, the competitors would be led into an airtight chamber deep beneath the ground where they would remain until only one contestant was left alive. The winner was then taken from the chamber and immediately crowned king for a period of four years, after which time the contest would be repeated. This method of selection was very effective at choosing leaders with inner strength and a certain ruthlessness, but unfortunately led to the untimely death of many wives. King Itzahuitl, who won the contest five times in a row, is said to have been married twenty-six times, each wife mysteriously being asphyxiated while sleeping." (From 'Customs of the Ancient Aztecs' by Dr. Alphonse Nobliss, Oxford University Press, 1982)
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Tue 17 Jul 2007, 13:02, Reply)

The History of Farting
It is widely agreed that the practice of farting is likely to be Mankind's oldest hobby. Indeed, many scholars believe that farting is one of the single most important catalysts to civilisation. Fart culture was so integral to many of the defining human civilisations that, arguably, these cultures would never have become civilised without the art. Civilisations such as the Egyptians, Carthaginians, the Ancient chinese and the Aztecs, to name but a few, were highly structured around fart intercourse and the practice was an effective means of defining power structure, waging effective war, and, of course, enhancing social interaction.

Many historic texts exist on the subject of farting and its effect on ancient society and warfare:

"The first kings of the Aztec empire were not born into rulership, but attained their rank by competing in a contest known as 'The Chamber Test of the Divine Brown Butterfly'. Each of the would-be kings gorged for a number of weeks on a special dish called 'Popolota', made from a number of different locally-grown beans and flavoured with large amounts of cumin and hot chillies. Come the day of the test, the competitors would be led into an airtight chamber deep beneath the ground where they would remain until only one contestant was left alive. The winner was then taken from the chamber and immediately crowned king for a period of four years, after which time the contest would be repeated. This method of selection was very effective at choosing leaders with inner strength and a certain ruthlessness, but unfortunately led to the untimely death of many wives. King Itzahuitl, who won the contest five times in a row, is said to have been married twenty-six times, each wife mysteriously being asphyxiated while sleeping." (From 'Customs of the Ancient Aztecs' by Dr. Alphonse Nobliss, Oxford University Press, 1982)

"The emergence of the Cretans as ancient Greece's major military power is largely acredited to the invention of the 'Cretan Amphora of Death'. These missiles, which were launched from a crude early form of catapult, were discovered by Cretan merchant, Tuphuctones, who was said to have made the first amphora while courting his future wife. Unable to leave the room for fear of unleashing an embarrassing eruption, the young suitor released his precious gases into an empty wine jug, which he surreptitiously corked afterwards. This plan, however, backfired on its inventor as the jug, forgotten for a number of years, was thrown at Tuphuctones by his new wife during a domestic disagreement. The gases, having fermented during their confinement in the amphora, had become so noxious as to prove deadly, even to the creator, and the hapless Tuphuctones died almost instantly as the jug was smashed. The Cretans, however, saw the military benefits of such a weapon, and over the next ten years, many of the 'bombs' were manufactured. It was this weapon which is said to have been responsible for the destruction of Megara in 397 B.C., where every living being in the city, including the rats, was poisoned to death during a huge aerial bombardment by the Cretans. The city was left uninhabitable for three years afterwards, and as late as 145 B.C., unexploded amphoras were still occasionally claiming the lives of Megara's residents" (From 'Chemical Warfare Through the Ages' by Hugh Janus and Roger Dard, New York Historic Press, 1994)
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Tue 17 Jul 2007, 12:59, Reply)

Christmas Shopping
A couple of years ago. I had been out the night before, and consequently had a whole variety of noxious gases fighting one another for release.

I gamely held them in, but was becoming more bloated by the second. Eventually the pressure became critical and a fart that had been brewing for hours was released.

It was a warm experience lasting whole seconds, and it was blessedly silent. It was just bad luck that I happened to be in the downstairs of a particularly small and over populated shop.

I eased my way around the room, distancing myself from the scene of the crime. Then it started. People began to migrate towards my side of the shop discussing the smell. Some started discussing a potential drainage problem. Seconds passed and if anything the odour intensified as it wafted towards us.

My missus, recognising it as one of mine, gave me a filthy look and left the store, hotly persued by every other customer, all looking around to see who had perpertrated this horific crime. I was looking equally insulted by the pong but all the time I was biting my cheek to prevent myself laughing and feeling rather proud of myself.

Outside the shop I began to laugh, nearly weeping, and my missus was very annoyed and embarrassed.

And that is the story of how I cleared an entire shop just by farting.

Oh, and as a post script, I did exactly the same 20 minutes later in a jewellers. My wife sent me home in disgrace and I spent the entire evening chuckling.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 17 Jul 2007, 12:45, Reply)

Code Brown!
Last week whilst on holiday, myself, Mrs Fister + the little Fisters were out and about in the car.

Little Miss Fister (aged 7) let out a rather loud, but watery, botty burp. I turned round and asked her if she was ok.

"I think so" she said, not very convincingly.

"Have you fudged?" I asked.

"I don't know!" she replied, now looking gravely concerned.

"Oh shit!".

There was then a rapid U-turn performed, before pulling into a nearby Tesco for a rapid purchase of baby wipes, new pants, and trousers - funnily enough, all were on special offer. Result!
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 17 Jul 2007, 12:24, Reply)

Car Air Fresheners
Used to work in a car dealership where the ability to pass noxious exhaust emmisions wasn't limited to vehicles. When driving customers cars round to the reception for them to collect, we would often drop a rasper on their leather seats & leave the air con on recirculation for maximum effect - particularly if said customer was a tosser ! However, the worst botty japes belonged to one of the technicians who, after nightime bouts on the lash, would come into the reception and uncork his genie whilst we were on the phones & unable to escape - I swear the blades on my desk fan slowed down as they tried to chop through the foul beastys. Not to be outdone, I once breakfasted on dried onion sandwiches & baked beans in order to brew a suitable response. By late morning I was painfully bloated & ready for action. Sticking my ass through the workshop door, I shouted 'heads up lads' & let loose an onion rumbler that fair shook the earth. However, it was a hollow victory as it literally burnt my sphincter as it came out. I had to hobble back gingerly to my chair trying not to follow through.
(harry the bastard, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 12:17, Reply)

F Farts
Pulled Irish bird. Really fit. Very, very pleased with self.
Expecting midnight raid on the port, I got Durex Extra safe out of toilets (also known as Tesco Carrier Bag after this event)
Get fruity wih woman.
'I've got the painters in'
'Don't worry - we can put a towel down'
'Ok.' Quoth she.
Wander to bathroom.
Select cream coloured towel (Heh Heh!)
Proceed to copulate. Enjoying immensely. This is brilliant.
"Parp!"
[Methinks: Hmmn. Unusual. Oh well, onwards and upwards!]
"ParpaRP!"
[Methinks: Er... what's happening here? Must be fanny fart/trapped air?]
"PARP!"
[Shit Shit Shit! What's going on! Why me!]
"PPPPPPPPPAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP!"
Now, at this point, I have no idea how her housemate and my mate in the next room don't come in in alarm.
What shall I do? Well, the red bull in my mind was writing cheques the vodka in my body couldn't cash.
[Methinks: try alternate position]
'Let's try something else Irish bird'
'OK'
Joy! No noise!
Two mins happy pounding...
Pound...pound...pound..."BRWRWARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP!"
Astonishing volume. I nearly soiled myself in shock. I have since recreated the sound to my pals in the pub and the response is always

"Frucking Hell"

Irish bird:

'I don't think we're compatible in bed'

I would have been shocked by this, excepit was very perceptive.

Length? More like a wizards' sleeve.
(The Lithe Panther, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 11:47, Reply)

Something I'm not completely proud of... but close...
I have no idea what I ate, but what was brewing in the nether regions was a wind of humongous proportions.

I'm unsure what prompted me to get a bit more active and do a jump and squeeze to pop it out, but yeah. My mother who was in the next room yelled '(younger brother), stop playing your trumpet!'.

So there you go, a fart that sounded like a trumpet. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was mistaken, and ran off laughing like a loon.

Amazingly long and impressive.
(satellite blows, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 11:28, Reply)

First time poster, long time lurker...
Two good farting stories, neither of them me, both at uni.

Story one. Lived in a house share with some mates, one of whom was on my course, one wasn't. One morning we were off to lectures, and the mate who wasn't on our course (lets call him "Neil") was in the bathroom. We waited for him for some time (he was going in with us to drop off an assignment), but he was taking a rather long time. In the end we decided to leave him to it, and he shouted that he would catch us up. Unbeknownst to us (but we were told by mate number 3) Neil had "crossbarred" on his way to the toilet. That is, as he pulled his trousers down he let rip and followed through. Into his jeans. And he was waiting for us to leave so he could run upstairs and change, but hadn't realised that mate 3 hadn't left...

Story 2. Night out drinking. Mate liked this girl, and had done for some time to no avail. Mate 2 decided it would be fun to try and pull her, which he did. Mate 1 was upset, but that's beside the point. When they got back, mate 2 was getting it on but was "suffering" due to alcohol and couldn't get it up. So they left it for a while. Try again an hour later, again with no success. So they left it. A while later, mate 2 wakes up with a useable erection, and wakes they lucky lady up to celebrate. She asks if he has any condoms. He doesn't, but there is a pack in our bathroom. Off he trots to get one, where he suffers alcoholic curse two - the farts. Only, mid way through, he detects a change in pitch. And consistency. Shit everywhere. It takes him so long to clear up, girl goes back to sleep and nothing ever happened. Incidentally, mate 1 never laughed so much.

Apologies for length, apparently its girth that matters
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 11:24, Reply)

Just me ?
Blokes, ever been sat on a firm surface and farted in such a way that the fart comes up the front, between your nads and thigh ? Odd feeling. Im told by a reliable source that ladies (on the rare occasion that they do fart) can have a similar experience of the fart making their lady bits wobble. (smelling of Lavender and roses of course).
(kitescreech still here, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 10:46, Reply)

Full of beefy goodness...
A friend of mine once introduced me to the act of breaking wind into a mug, and then deeply inhaling of the flatus within. The concentrated gases within the receptacle offer a heady, thick stench, which seems to cling to the insides of one's nostrils. I tried it once, and vowed to never again attempt to inhale undiluted fart. Sadly, he kept it up for quite some time, and possibly even still has the occasional 'snifter' now.

He also scratched his bare buttock with a fork in my parents' holiday caravan, and then replaced it in the cutlery drawer. He couldn't understand why I was so vocally upset with him.

I could probably produce an answer for every single QOTW about the man.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 10:40, Reply)

K2k6
Yep, pedigree chum is dog food in as much as its marketted for them.
Crowley(for tis his name) Makes anything his as he works on the marxist cat principal that all property is theft.
Incidentally, we dont buy it for him, he gets it from his friend the large dog that likes to sniff his bum.

He really let one go last night! It had green fish and dead things in it
(markov1723 Annoying Bavarians since, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 10:35, Reply)

2 of my mates shared a flat at uni, a year before i went
i went to visit one of them, and used the other's room while he was at home visiting his mrs

during the course of our evening, considerable lager and an almighty kebab were consumed. the next morning, my mate's room stank like a corpse - so of course being the good friend i am, i took every effort to seal the entire room tighter than a drum ready for my mate's return.

i've never heard him swear as much before, or since.
(court escaper, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 10:09, Reply)