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How I Abused My Pet

I made this great game. I sat up the top of the stairs and shook a box of cat biscuits. My cat ran up the stairs and I gave it a biscuit. Then I took another and threw it to the base of the stairs. The cat ran down the stairs and ate the biscuit.

I continued this game sending the cat running up and down the stairs. Each time rewarding him with more biscuits.

It was all fun and games until my cat vomitted. Copiously.

Can you beat that? (funniest stories will be read out on the Friday radio show.)

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 10:56, archived)

hahahahaha!

our cat chases rubber fish.
we fed him some strawberry laces once, he loves them but he puked them up.

(

jiva nearly always up for a game of scrabble, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 10:57, archived)

sounds like

my little brother

strawberry laces that is, not the rubber fish.... however i've not actually TRIED rubber fish...hmmm....

(

rosey, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:14, archived)

I made my pet snake puke once...

...ok maybe twice a day.

(

darth munki is flipping livid, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:01, archived)

i put my contact lenses

on my dog, i think they rendered her blind though, cos she bumped into alot of walls.

(

Zykatious Is all like WWOOOAAAHHHH, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:47, archived)

once i had pet stick insects, and i decided they were unhappy in their jam jar, so i set them free into the wilderness in the middle of winter. obviously not knowing that they come from africa or some shit. i came to see how they were setteling in 3 hours later and they were frozen solid. i then decided to warm them up, so i put them in the microwave on defost for 30 seconds and they blew up :(

(

Zykatious Is all like WWOOOAAAHHHH, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 14:00, archived)

sounds pretty fun

(Corn Dog, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 23:19, archived)

my err... not sure what relation they are

(my nans sisters grandchildren) had hamsters, and they used to fire them out of toilet roll tubes across the room onto the sofa, like blow darts.

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 10:58, archived)

how cruel

but what a brilliant image

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 10:59, archived)

yes.

they were little bastards.

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 10:59, archived)

Shop it

Shop it HARD!!

(

Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:31, archived)

"ARMAGEDDON!"

(

fishsticks, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:37, archived)

hehe

Raggot.

(

Jay, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:34, archived)

me and my

mate simon marchant once got his hamster stuck in a video player. turns out the eject button doesn't work for hamsters.

(

stouffer, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:41, archived)

Oh dear.

Sue the button makers for misleading labelling.

(Pocahontus the Mermaid with Wings, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:19, archived)

Second Cousins

you could marry them.

(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:23, archived)

did the same thing with tadpoles

i visited an old house i lived at with a friend, and the old pool was choked with lilypads and frogs. so coming from mcdonalds, we scooped up young tadpoles and used our straws to shoot them out. got some good velocity, and only a few died on impact.

(denki, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:42, archived)

all i did was sit on the back garden drunk out of my skull

with a couple of mates and a spliff, giving blowbacks to the neighbours dog.

Stoned dogs are funny. if i still lived there now, had a joint and a digital camera I'd take a pic for poserity

(

Sack Sack - Norfolks laziest, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 10:59, archived)

Stoned animals are funny.

End of story.

(

Danblez, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:06, archived)

Stoned cats are even funnier

until they get paranoid, then you should either hide or wear leather armour.

(

Dr. Blackwolf is sucking diesel on, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:10, archived)

True.

My favourite was getting the cat stoned on the stairs and then watch it slowly trying to get climb down each step at a time sliding on its belly! Oh how I laughed.

Oh how I can't string a sentence together. I need my medication.

(

Danblez, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:13, archived)

Ours used to

try and catch imaginary flies, sit and stare at the oven for hours, and would often decide that the sink was a great place to sleep off a cannabis hangover...with her head under the dripping cold tap.

(

Dr. Blackwolf is sucking diesel on, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:25, archived)

Classic!

(

Danblez, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:30, archived)

another vote

for funny stoned cats
but you should not give them lsd, this is very bad and usually kills them

(

VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:27, archived)

Dead trippy dog

Yeah - I had a mate who killed his dog doing that.

I imagine it put a fair amount of negative spin on his own trip too.

Stupid bugger.

(Gypsum Fantastic, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:15, archived)

You dont NEED lsd

Not for cats.
Theyve gone metric.

No hang on thats not it...
i mean CATNIP - that *is* LSD for cats. Great stuff - they run around chasing all sorts of stuff that isnt there.

(Daveybaby, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:15, archived)

did you know?

catnip is the female marijuana plant.

(retro, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 6:11, archived)

what the hell?

marijuana is the female marijuana plant

(

Pee-Bob, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 7:06, archived)

Um, No.

Catnip is in the mint family, and is most commonly related to chammomile, actually.

(TheDamnYankee, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 7:36, archived)

Cats on Drugs to Cornish Poo...

Our lovely cat spent a day looking very wide eyed, and slightly pleased with itself. He alternated between sitting staring at a point in space, and running at high speed horizontally around the living room walls - just like something out of the Matrix.
We later found out that my flatmate had been crushing MDMA in a pestle and mortar on the coffee table...

Here's a little canter round the web for you - I'm bored.
Catnip
Botanical: Nepeta cataria (LINN.)
Family: N.O. Labiatae
Contains most of the
aromatic herbs...
One of which you can extract the exciting chemical
Thymol from.
"It is given internally in large doses, to robust adults, 2 grammes (30 grains) or more, repeated after two hours, to expel intestinal parasites, especially the miner's worm, Ankylostomum duodenale. "
That's a Hookworm to you or me - isn't he a lovely little chappie?
Ankylostomaisis was first diagnosed in Cornish Miners

And was spread by those miners... befouling their own mines.
Now, I pass it on to you to make a Pasty joke...

(mildlydiverting, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:40, archived)

buckets

someone once once told me that if you made a cat do a bucket it would explode.

(sabear, Mon 20 Oct 2003, 18:40, archived)

yeah

In student times, we gave a stray cat some blowbacks after it wandered into our house. We also dyed its tail pink and changed it's nametag to say 'miles the jazz cat.' Oh, how we laughed. My housemate was woken the next morning by the cat standing on top of him and headbutting him in the face. The cat had also pissed all over the rug.

(

Zuowan, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 19:43, archived)

stoned amphibians

me and my friends (my friends and i) once found a really small frog in the garden and decided to give it blowbacks. it resisted at first, but then when it tried to hop away after the weed had kicked in, it just kinda twitched its leg and gave up.

oh how we laughed.

(sabear, Mon 20 Oct 2003, 18:37, archived)

A friend of mine,

who I was sharing a house with at the time, had a young kitten, a cute little black and white fluffy thing he was/is. He became known as Huxley, shortly after this story happened.

One evening my friend was splitting up some acid tabs to share out with his mates, they dropped them and waited with anticipation.

It was not long after that Huxley jumped up and sat on his lap, and began innocently licking my friends fingers. No-one thought anything of this, but before too long the cat started running around the room, up the wall jumping on the sofa and then staring at the walls for long periods of time.

I had not witnessed any of this, but the next day, when I got up the poor cat was still going bananas.

It all turned out fine, and Huxley became a well adjusted and happy member of the family.

(

@man move along, nothing to see here on, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:10, archived)

funny cat names

I knew a cat called Lenin. It got the squits. They renamed it Trotsky.

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:28, archived)

Bwahahahahah

Genius.

(

Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:29, archived)

We once had a cat called Lenin

he had the same facial expression as his namesake.

(

azerty, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:34, archived)

when i was on work experience,

i was hellping out at a local vets, where i was handling no end of animals. one evening we had a cat come in called stalin, he was some what sick and unfortunatly passed away in the night.
i came in, in the morning all bright eyed and busshy tailed. keen to see how stalin was getting on, and as im shure some of you may of gessed by now, the news that he had passed away haddent got to me.and it was a bit hard to explian when the vet came in and asked why i was talking to a dead cat.
ohhh and i also had the fun of watching a cat having its leg amputated, now they wake up some what pissed off......

(Leroy_slade, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:17, archived)

Yeah I've seen that happen.

Lovely little kitten goes snuffling around the floor when my mate dropped 80 microdots on the floor.

Only found 76. Never the same again the poor thing.

Thats what I call a crazy cat.

(

Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:29, archived)

Made "Funny Bunny Curry" Once

Main Ingredients :
Three Dead Rabbits
Some Cannabanabanis (about £20's worth)
Veg.

The pub dog (lived above a pub at the time, a German Shepherd called Barron ( or Twat for short ) kept sniffing around, so I kept feeding him bits of veg and gravy ( he wasn't getting any rabbit - the Fat Hairy Fuck !)

He spent Three Days lying on his back with his legs in the air. The only signs of life a stupid Shit Eating Grin on his face, and the very tip of his tail wagging feebly.

Oh !, and me and my mates got Twatted out of our faces too.

(Any references to illegal substances in this story are a figment of your own imagination - Officer !)

(

The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 20:00, archived)

Did you then

notice that your baby sitter was dead and that your sister was pretending to be older than she was so that she could earn money to feed you all before ending up having to throw a lavish party for all her new workmates just at the point when your parents come back from holiday with "hilarious consequences"?

Or did that only happen in "Don't tell mom the babysitters dead"?

(

LP, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 20:08, archived)

Another vote

for stoned cats...along with...
me and my friends were giving our friends cat blowbacks, it decided after 30mins it didn't like them and shot out of the room, well when I say OUT the room it really missed the door by 3ft and hit the wall, knocking itself out for 5mins before it decided to crawl outside and goto sleep, after we finished laughing it seemed ok so we left it, and it was absolutly ok by the next day...thank god!

(

Generationgav, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 0:29, archived)

I had to read that twice

Blowback did not read blowback the first time

(

Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:08, archived)

I am *SO* glad

I am not the only one that saw that.

(puttysan, Sun 19 Oct 2003, 3:40, archived)

Get one of those spirit-levels with a laser guide

and make kittens chase the red dot, on an extremely slippy vinyl floor. If you time it just right, they bounce off the skirting boards dazed, but not badly hurt.

(

supermoore: HUNG, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:00, archived)

I love laser pointers

(

gingerbenji wrote a book http://goo.gl/8UiGjd, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:09, archived)

I did that with a dog once

but I had to stop at some point because I had the impression that the dog would not stop chasing the red dot before getting a heart attack or having bloody feet.

How it smelt? Awful, of course.

(

azerty, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:14, archived)

Dogs and laser pointers.

My girlfriends dog always used to try to kill the spot. One day I pointed it at my girlfriends arse...

She was _not_ happy.

(

Hoagie, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 17:36, archived)

Yup

I can vouch for that, having had great fun with my laser pointer and my girlfriends kitten while I was looking after it once.
I could stay sat on the sofa and send the kitty haring round the flat just by flicking my wrist and making the little red dot dart across the flat.
If I had all the doors open as well I could make the cat skid across the vinyl kitchen floor, into the carpeted living room and into the bathroom, where there was another vinyl floor.
Of course, after the carpeted living room, she'd picked up a bit of speed and generally ended up sliding into the side of the bathtub...
And they say cats are more intelligent than dogs? About even I'd say(seeing as my cat chases sticks when you throw them for her)

(

GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:00, archived)

kittens

"A kitten standing on a huge mirror, trying to walk, is one of the most inherently comic sights in nature" David Bellamy.

(

Zuowan, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 19:26, archived)

A friend of mine used to breed hamsters when he was at school

and the same guy kept buying them off him. Then he found out he was feeding them to his snake.

(

christhebarker, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:00, archived)

why

else would you buy hamsters?

(radja, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:13, archived)

I suppose

it could've been worse...

(

christhebarker, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:16, archived)

My brother

used to enjoy putting holding his hamster (that's an actual hamster, not another name for his cock)near the vaccuum cleaner when it was turned on, so its little legs waggled about humorously.
For some reason, Stavros (the hamster) died and my brother never could work out why.

(

bovine I'm so old, even my old is old, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:02, archived)

used to have a Yorkshire Terrier and in our old house , the kitchen was really long with a big step half way down.What we used to do was make the lino really slippy using furniture polish then get the dog to "fetch" his toy by throwing it just far enough so it landed by the step then watching him do a big slide and fly right off the step

(

Tedmus, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:02, archived)

I was the poor bastard who has to bury our pet dog

aparently it died a few days later

(Punn-isher, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:02, archived)

ooooh

yowch.

(

Batsgirl, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:05, archived)

I hate to point out the obvious

but those Hamster balls you get for letting them run about the house in make wonderful substitute footballs. If you do it gently, I think the hamster quite enjoys it, right up until it's heart gives out.

(

supermoore: HUNG, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:04, archived)

That's not what you're

planning to use for the b3ta game is it?

(

christhebarker, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:05, archived)

Don't be daft!

There will be a Gerbil in the ball that day.

(

supermoore: HUNG, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:07, archived)

heheheh

they not like it much if they go down the stairs in them though ... kinda makes them dizzy :)

(juckle03, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:07, archived)

I used to put my gerbil...

in one of those hamster balls and let the cat play football with it. Much better than Match of the Day :-)

(Khaine, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:40, archived)

It's quite therapeutic to watch

until the hamster pukes up in the ball. They then proceed to track little thin slots of vomit all round the carpet through the breathing holes.

(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 21:05, archived)

Breathing holes?

D'oh!

(

Claws of Doom I am no longer infected, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 14:16, archived)

We had a dog, 2 cats and a hamster.

The hamster discovered that its ball rendered it invulnerable to cat attack, and spent many happy hours chasing the cats around when in the ball.
The cats also liked to gang up on the dog.
On a good night the cats chased the dog while the hamster chased the cats.

That was until the cats figured out how to open up the hamster ball...

(Cousin It, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 23:09, archived)

I had two hamsters

One was a compte psycho hamster and the other was a right gentle muppet. She used to love getting in the hamster ball and having us play "hamster" boweling...and the dog loved chased after the hamster in their little tank/ball...Great Fun

(Phil Febuggure, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 23:58, archived)

I was a deprived child when it came to pets.

But I do know a murderous three year old, called Rhianna...

First she decided to feed the fish. With an entire box of fish food. The fish all died and the tank and pump took ages to clean. The fish food is now kept on a very high shelf.

Secondly, she managed to work out how to open doors with round doorknobs, without her mum's knowledge. One day while she was meant to be having her nap, Rhianna used her new skill to gain entry to her big sister's room. She then proceeded to liberate the mouse from its cage.

Being a bright kid, she was aware that mice were meant to go "squeak!" But this one didn't. So she squeezed it. Repeatedly. Her mum came up the stairs to see what was going on just as Rhianna threw the evidently broken mouse down the stairs, babbling about how the squeak wasn't working.

(

Batsgirl, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:04, archived)

blimey. the kid needs therapy

My brother killed our fish by arranging a battle scene in the tank with toy soldiers. Lead toy soldiers. The fish died of lead poisoning.

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:06, archived)

hahahha

I killed our fish by mistaking pepper for fish food.

Easy mistake to make.

(

Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:08, archived)

that reminds me

I once had tadpoles, and apparently decided the jar they were in was dirty, so put some bubble bath in there....

(

barnesy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:11, archived)

oh tell me how this ends

it doesn't end well does it?

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:12, archived)

no,

It doesn't end well at all. Go with your first guess!

(

barnesy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:17, archived)

i found some little frogs

in the woods and took them into school in a vitalite tub with some wet mud. Teacher was very pleased. Then, at the end of the day I put them in my bag. Walking home, Kevin Daska was pissing me off, so I hit him. With my bag. Whoops.

(

caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:14, archived)

how deeply terrifying.

my sister (rhiannon!) performed similar acts of unknowing animal torture when she was young!

(

sunny_jimbob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:06, archived)

A friend of mine's son

decided to help clean the fish tank. So he put several washing liquid capsules in it.
They were very clean

(

butchbint, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:07, archived)

i had a cousin who decided to give his kittens a bath...

filled the bath up with hot water (plus boiling water from the kettle) and chucked the cats in.

he's not allowed pets again.

needless to say, he had the last laugh.

(

mattl has moved to boston, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:45, archived)

When I was a nipper

we were at a friend's house. Someone put the hamster in the plastic ball thing and much hilarity was had. My brother and his cohorts decided to play football with it. It got kicked up and down the hallway a number of times.
No one knew the hamster was pregnant.
The hamster ate her babies.

(

butchbint, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:04, archived)

Great minds

think of similar torture for animals.

www.b3ta.com/board/2150341

(

supermoore: HUNG, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:05, archived)

and turning tortoises upside down is fun.

(

butchbint, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:06, archived)

or sheep

apparently they die if you turn them upside down...not that ive ever tried it of course

(Anduril, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:02, archived)

sheep dont die

from turning them upside down, its just they cant get back up and then crows peck their eyes out :D tis very pleasant

(Belladonna, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:45, archived)

Hmmmm

Depends how they got turned upside down really...
I've seen a few dead sheep that were upsidedown at the bottom of a small cliff...

(

GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:18, archived)

thats nasty.

(

jiva nearly always up for a game of scrabble, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:07, archived)

We used

to have two dogs, Gordon setters.
They are not the smallest of dogs, being quite lean and with black hair and red fur.

Once the younger of the two dogs got under the fence into the neighbours garden and was discovered by me some time later, because of the whining noises it was making. Turns out she had dug under the fence and under the neighbours shed, though now found she could not reverse out of the tight space she had dug into. I had to scramble over the fence, into the garden and under the shed to drag her back.
Unfortunately the dogs mechanism when frightened is to go 'limp', so I physically had to then pick the panic-stricken dog up, over my shoulder and attempt to scale the fence again.
This would have been allright, except the neighbours had, much to my suprise, recently bought a dog of their own. A dobermann no less. It was watching me from the other end of the garden as I tried to scrabble over the fence with a limp dog. It chose the exact moment I was halfway up the fence to launch a sharp toothed and barking offensive on me.
Upon which, my own dog sprang into life, scaled the fence and left me with a frenzied dobermann attached to my arse, hanging halfway up the fence.

I fucking hated my dog.

(

Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:07, archived)

i now have coffee

in my keyboard!

(

sunny_jimbob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:09, archived)

Dogs

Should be banned.

(

butchbint, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:11, archived)

I expect the

feeling was mutual from that story!!

(Zed Smith, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:43, archived)

That reminds me...

...of the time my best friend's boxer was whimpering and growling in the back garden.

Upon investigation we discovered that he'd found a hedgehog, picked it up in his mouth, and would not let go.

Not very funny at all, but there's a happy ending, as the dog recovered and the hedgehog was none the worse for the encounter...except I think he steered clear of boxers after that.

(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 16:02, archived)

Great story

(

Banana, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 12:43, archived)

We had a German Shepherd used to live next door to us...

who kept coming and crapping in our garden.

Sometimes his dog came too.

Arf.

(

propellerhed, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 17:23, archived)

to annoy a cat, you can

hold your ring and index fingers straight forwards, and point your middle finger forwards but slightly downwards. My cat always used to sniff my middle finger, because it was a bit closer, then suddenly spot he was about to get poked in both eyes and leg it. Moments of amusement!

(

barnesy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:08, archived)

i had to mime that out with my hand to get it

then I laughed

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:11, archived)

me too

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:36, archived)

NOT

just me then...

(Dr Hiss, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 21:41, archived)

hehehe

me 3
i cant believe i just said that

(chrismuzz, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 21:50, archived)

hehe

and me

(EvilMonkeh, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 12:40, archived)

Hehehhe

Sniff your middle finger...

Oh.

(

Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:33, archived)

my cat likes curry

which is a bit weird. she insists on eating from my plate.

also, coming back from a club one morning, someone left the cake out and our dog ate it. it had about 1/4 in it. he couldn't walk for about 2 days. it was extremely amusing. his eyes were all crosseyed. we had to carry him home. luckily it was the middle of winter so we used him as a draft excluder.

(andysith vs. the becardiganed mousethra. EEK, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:09, archived)

Dr. Phil's mum's dog

once ate the family's Christmas cake, which was huge and saturated with brandy. It eventually threw it back up again, and staggered around pissed for the day.
It eats anything, that dog. I had to look after it for a bit once, and it sneakily ate a crisp packet, then ate an entire tin of dog food, and then brought the whole lot back up in a nice neat parcel. Urg.

(tomsk, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:13, archived)

my parents had a springer spaniel

which would eat anything. including a new 24pk of neurofen from my mum's handbag.

the vet said to give him loads of mustard-water to make him sick. he drank pints and coughed. no sick or anything.

dogs are stupid.

(andysith vs. the becardiganed mousethra. EEK, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:15, archived)

My g/f's cat once

ate a crisp packet. She only noticed when a she saw a bit of plastic sticking out of its bum.

They had to grab hold and pull to remove it.

(

chthonic, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:18, archived)

EWWWWWWWWWWWW

etc.

that's grim.

(andysith vs. the becardiganed mousethra. EEK, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:23, archived)

eeewwwww

nasty

(

lazygamer VS tittybiscuits, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:24, archived)

tee-hee

(

butchbint, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:26, archived)

our

dog has done that with string with the same effect

(

Tedmus, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:27, archived)

ditto...

...for one of my Mum's cats. It was doing the "chasing the tail thing" in the garden but closer inspection revealed that it wasn't its tail but a length of protruding string.

After much discussion on the best thing to do, Mum was dispatched with the rubber gloves on, took the cat in one had and the string in the other and gently pulled. We knew that there couldn't be much string left inside (as it had been positively identified as the string formerly round the ham during cooking) but we had forgotten about the knot at the end of it...

The cat went sort of "Yipp!" and then spent the rest of the day sitting in an old bucket in the garden which had a bit of frozen water at the bottom of it (it was Christmas Day) cooling its arse off!

(adtibbalds, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:33, archived)

every christmas

my dog would tear all the tinsel from the tree and eat it. most colourful shit you've ever seen

(John Doe, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:31, archived)

Bloody brilliant

This is the funniest shit I've ever read.
Well done, and kudos to your dog

(

Ska King Cody, Tue 21 Oct 2003, 1:48, archived)

my mate

had a similar experience with a slice of salami. The skin was still on when he ate it - which acted as a string between 2 bits of pooh.
Why he told us this, I don't know.

(

butchbint, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:37, archived)

Great fun

My dad's cat once consumed a quantity of red wool. We noticed this when it popped off for a crap and became alarmed that something long and red was still attached to its arse. The poor, deranged thing then ran around the house frantically until my dad stepped on the end of the wool and out it popped.

(

foop, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:30, archived)

Plink!

Whilst out walking his dog one day, my friend saw something shinny poking out its bottom. On closer inspection this turned out to be a length of audio cassette tape. This had to be dealt with so he took hold of the end and gave it a gentle tug, it came out quite easily so he pulled again, more & more tape appeared. Eventually when he had about 30ft of tape on the ground he finally came up against resistance, he pulled a bit harder and with a yelp from the dog was hit by the cassette spool which had obviously become lodged in the dogs schpincter.

(weird avenger, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 23:47, archived)

You should have washed it off

and put it into a new cassette case to see what was on it. ;)

(

Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Mon 20 Oct 2003, 14:26, archived)

also reminds me of the sight

of our dog sprinting around the garden with a shit coated shred of towel(which it had previously eaten) halfway out its' arse.

some kind person had to chase after it and try and step on the end of the towel in order to end the commotion.

(the stupid dog probably ran off with the dirty towel again)

(Munkey, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 18:04, archived)

Yeah my sisters dog did this..

The stupid bugger ate my niece's bra. No one knew about it until a poo-and-lace amalgamate arrived on the lawn.

one month later my sister catches him in the act of eating yet *another* bra. This time it got stuck in his gut and he had to go to the vets to get it removed :D

Now *my* dog is obviously more intelligent because he just loves to steal sweaty socks out of the washbasket and suck them.

(Ariaxen, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 22:20, archived)

My cat .. Timmy

Seems to have a strange affection for broccoli and cauliflower

(Zed Smith, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:48, archived)

I have a Maine Coon Kitten (well cat now I suppose he's 1 and a bit)

Who plays fetch.

I throw a cork for him and he runs after it and brings it back to my feet for me to throw again..

The fun starts when you throw two corks at once - he goes after both but can't fit two in his mouth at the same time so he drops one and picks up the other then looks at the one he's dropped and drops the one he has in his mouth and picks up the dropped one only to look at the one he’s just dropped and drop the one in his mouth in order to pick that one up..

He then gets frustrated and sits growling like a maniac at both corks getting more and more puffed up and crazy with the both of them..

When he's totally insane with the fact he can't pick up two corks at the same time and he's staring at them you make a sharp 'pfffft' noise and he jumps vertically up sometimes to a height of 3 or four feet.

You can't do it often though because he goes mental for days and attacks you in your bed for revenge (usually with a cork in his mouth and growling)

Best not to piss him off really, Maine Coon cats are massive.

(

Darryn.R, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:09, archived)

that's great

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:13, archived)

And here's the little bugger in question

he was about 8 months here..

(

Darryn.R, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:15, archived)

Jeezus

That is one mahooosive cat! And I'm not sure I like the look in his eyes either.

(

MizEmma, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:20, archived)

He's a LOT bigger now..

He's one and a bit feet high and nearly three feet long from head to tail..

(

Darryn.R, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:39, archived)

Aaargh

Stop feeding him! He'll be the size of a small yak soon.

(

MizEmma, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:45, archived)

I'm told that they keep growing till they

are four years old...

I've had to put in a dog flap for him to get to his cat box..

he costs a fortune to feed too - we have two other normal size cats who bully him like mad because he's only a kitten - It's quite funny to watch as they are half his size if that.

(

Darryn.R, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:48, archived)

What - he's going to keep

growing for another 3 years? You'll have to build a stable for him.

(

MizEmma, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:51, archived)

All the info is here

www.fanciers.com/breed-faqs/maine-coon-faq.html

(

Darryn.R, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:52, archived)

Do you really think I'm

going to click on a link that says 'fanciers.com/fags' ;)
All this cat malarky rather passes me by - I'm somewhat allergic to cats and try to avoid them as much as possible.

(

MizEmma, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:54, archived)

faQ

(Hobbes, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:29, archived)

That's great.

"What the fuck do you want, eh?"

(tomsk, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:23, archived)

aw he's beautiful!

like erasmus we surounded him with 4 rubber fish last night he got very confused.

(

jiva nearly always up for a game of scrabble, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:28, archived)

I've got one of those

only in white

(

VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:39, archived)

Looks a bit like...

...our cat, Blackie.

He's just a part persian cross with a mean attitude tho

(

beefandcheese, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:25, archived)

hahahahaha

excellent!

(

sunny_jimbob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:14, archived)

hehe

my old dog always used to be really good at catching stuff, but only one at a time. If you threw a ball, she'd catch it. If you threw another, she'd watch it all the way in, look a bit worried, but do nothing about it until it hit her on the head.

(

barnesy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:19, archived)

hahaha !

ours is good at catching , if he does a good catch he goes off on a victory trot , bringing his paws up dead high like a prancing horse

(

Tedmus, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:32, archived)

My old science teacher had a fish tank in the science lab

at school. Quite often he'd be a little late for classes as he had a lot of departmental meetings and we were supposed to be trustworthy sixthformers.

So we'd do things to the fishtank to see if he noticed.

This all started innocently - drawing fish, sharks fins, waterskiing stick people etc on the side of the tank.

When he objected to this, we had to get more creative, setting up a garden gnome beside the tank complete with baited fishing rod. That lasted nearly the whole lesson before he noticed.

Of course, someone had to take it too far, and put sugar in the tank, causing all the weeds to grow like wild and smother the poor fish.

He thought it was an accident and was genuinely upset over the whole thing, so much so that the culprit couldn't bring themself to explain the true circumstances.

(

chthonic, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:12, archived)

oh - i also just remembered

when i was younger the kids next door were utter, utter psychos.

they got a length of string and tied two cats together by the tails, then threw one cat over the washingline, put a peg on the string so they didn't fall off and let them fight it out.

they seriously needed help

(

Sack Sack - Norfolks laziest, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:13, archived)

Kids like that

need a fucking good kicking.

(tomsk, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:14, archived)

Reminds me of

this.
That wasn't good.

(tomsk, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:21, archived)

that's horrid.

(

butchbint, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:39, archived)

I fucking hate dogs

My grandma's cat was killed by 2 greyhounds that escaped through holes in a neighbour's fence. Bastards just don't care at all.

(

Canker, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:43, archived)

greyhounds are brainless cunts

they are just programmed to kill like that - its not their fault really but they are fucking dangerous

I had a beautiful but brainless and very soppy greyhound called libby she was so lovely but once she saw a squirrel miles away in the park she sped off at 100mph and i thought there's no way she'll catch it its miles away so i wasn't worried. she caught it and tore it to shreds right next to a bus stop full of horrified onlookers. she did it again a year later in a deifferent park but chased it across the road and got squashed. she was a stupid dog.

a friend of mines greyhound was equally soft but one day it saw a cat chased it and killed it. it had to be put down

(dazron, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:12, archived)

I will never forget that day you know.

I cried at my desk when you wrote that.

edit: Thinking about it now, that was the day I decided to move out of London as everything was shit.

(

Jay, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:45, archived)

thats horrible

but then again in San Francisco dogs kill women

(

Pee-Bob, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:32, archived)

My dog escaped into a field of sheep once.

He had one pinned down in the corner, we went over to grab him, ready to avoid shotgun shells from a miffed farmer. We pulled him away, the sheep got up, shook itself off, and walked away.
Turns out the daft mutt had just been licking it.

Some guard dog he is.

(FoetalYouth, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 23:02, archived)

haha, mad dog!

mmmm...sheep-flavored wool

(

Pee-Bob, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:33, archived)

jesus

that's nasty

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:15, archived)

little bastards

crucifixion's too good for them

(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:59, archived)

crucifixion's a doddle

arf!

(

manolith hooray for me, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:12, archived)

could be worse...

you could be stabbed!

(chrismuzz, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:19, archived)

my legs are old...

my nose is grizzled, my eyes are old and bent.... or something like that

(

manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 10:34, archived)

when i was a kid...

our neighbours dog ran out under the backwheels of my mum's car when she was reversing, sadly the dog died, but this was a case of genuine accident.

the next day, our neighbours strangled our cat to death, pulled it's head off and dumped it on our steps.

so it's not just London that's shit. it also happens on Dartmoor.

(

mattl has moved to boston, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:55, archived)

feck!

That's harsh!

My mother ran over our very old, very decrepid dog with hip problems. He liked to sit under the back wheel.

Strangely, after getting run over, his hips were brilliant. He didn't, however, sit under the back wheel again.

(Yarbo, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 1:19, archived)

Out hamster used to be kept in my brothers attic bedroom.

One day we'd let it out of it's cage, and couldn't find it again.

A few weeks passed, and the drain outside the kitchen got blocked. My dad investigated and found the hamster.

It had climbed a small bookcase, gotten out of the slightly attic window, and scampered down the roof and along the guttering, only to fall 12ft or so into the kitchen drain.

The hamster was hideously bloated to 15* times it's original size, and was stuck to a rotten old apple.

*Exaggeration.

(

gingerbenji wrote a book http://goo.gl/8UiGjd, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:13, archived)

reminds me of a time

when my brother and i got hamsters as our first pets. I named mine Hammy (never said i was original) and he named his pac-man, but then changed it to superman. We loved the little critters...for about a week and then we forgot about them altogether. My brother remembers that we do indeed have pets! and goes to check up on them, only to find my hamsters head rummaging around in his hamsters ribcage (foraging for food i guess). the little bastard at my brothers hamster, i was grounded, and my mother was so disgusted she flushed my hamster down the toilet.alive.

(goorf, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 21:51, archived)

thats terrible!

poor hammy, all he wanted was some MEAT

(chrismuzz, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:22, archived)

My cat used to constantly pester me for food

every time I sat down to eat. It only had to hear the cutlery drawer opening and it would be in like a shot, rubbing itself all over my legs and purring. This was very sweet to start with, but eventually because very irritating, so one day when it wouldn't leave me alone while I was eating a curry infront of the telly, I thought sod it - you want to eat my food so much, you go ahead.
I put down my plate on the floor, and the cat set to for a good 30 seconds (it was chicken curry), suddenly paused, thought for a second, then bolted from the room and out through the catflap as if someone had wired it to a car battery.

The next day I was sat in the back garden with a coulpe of friends, chatting away over a few beers, when all of a sudden, there was a sound like a fully grown builder letting off for pleasure. This enormous noise, it transpired, has come from my tiny cat, which shot out of a nearby bush with an expression of pure terror on its face.

Didn't stop it pestering me for food all the time, but it did avoid the curries..

(

expf, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:14, archived)

Must've

been a dahnsak!

(Doctor Evil, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:26, archived)

Just pissed myself laughing

reading your curried cat message. I must learn to empty my bladder before coming on B3TA. euch !!!

(youknowsitbra, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 4:46, archived)

Not abuse as such, but a fun thing to do at the zoo

is to make penguins chase the shadow of your hand on the pool bottom.

(

MissPrism, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:16, archived)

oooh

I want to try that

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:18, archived)

it definitely works on Rockhoppers,

but I haven't tried it on any other kinds.

(

MissPrism, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:22, archived)

Ages ago, a school friend

looked after someone's fish, and it sadly died under her care. When it was her turn to have her budgie looked after, he decided to get revenge and hoovered it up.

Not very funny really

(

corington, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:19, archived)

After a day with flu spent tormenting my cat,

she finally shat in my headphones. And, although I discovered the turd curled up in the left hand can before I put the phones on, it fell out onto my white shirt, leaving a skiddy.

(

pxyzyzygy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:22, archived)

I locked our cats downstairs a few months ago,

cos they were ripping up the carpet. I put the litter tray in the room with them, but they pissed in my laptop bag anyway, the little bastards.

(tomsk, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:25, archived)

Was'nt me, it was my brother

that used to put socks over the dogs head.

Then kick it down the stairs.

(

Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:25, archived)

don't let your brother have kids eh?

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:30, archived)

He's already decided he wont

Thank fuck.

(

Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:07, archived)

put a crisp packet on our dogs head the other night , it was a snug fit

(

Tedmus, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:33, archived)

Another one

I used to have a hamster, it loved sunflower seeds.

Now hamsters store stuff in their cheeks normally, eating them later.

I feed it a seed, it sticks it in its cheeks.
I fed it another, same story.

I then continued, under the understanding at some point the number of seeds it can feed into it's cheeks is finite (unless a hamster is designed like the tardis)

After 20 highly entertaining minutes and a half pack of sun flower seeds the hamster was having difficulty keeping itself upright and moving its head round to take the seeds.

I offered it one more seed and it gave me a baleful look and started to drag its cheeks back towards one corner of the cage.

Whereupon it made a funny little noise and chundered half a pack of seeds into a gooey pile. I swear it actually gave me a flabby cheeked smile as it came back and took another seed and started the whole grim process again.

(

Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:26, archived)

my hamster was really protective of his property

despite being the only hamster in the fucking house. Jeffrey his name was. I put half a carrot in his tank for him to eat on one day, and looked in on him about an hour later to see an extremely strained-looking hamster staggering around the tank with the entire half-carrot in his cheeks. he looked like he was going to die, it was pretty gross.

(

mikeisbrill, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:29, archived)

yeah

the worst part is if they fill themsolves up too much, you can see through the cheeks, yuk

(

manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 10:54, archived)

I liked most Opal Fruits

at the age of six but the green ones were horrible (or so I imagined) so I fed one to my hamster one evening. I fed it to him in small pieces, cos that was the way that he ate seeds and stuff, and he dutifully hid them away in his pouches until the whole lot had gone. Next morning, I went to see hamster and found him on his back, very dead, with green ooze stuck around his teeth and mouth - very distressing when you're such a tender age.

(Clubseals, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:46, archived)

I did the same with my hamster

and peanuts. I think 26 was the record.

(

wayward., Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:39, archived)

::snort::

I think I just lost it. I was laughing for a good five minutes at that one.

(futile, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 4:21, archived)

ah crap

just sprayed a mouthful of water over my keyboard

must remember not to drink while reading b3ta

Hamsters are great, aside from those evil little russian ones that like taking chunks out of your fingers

(

DonnChadh, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 11:42, archived)

mozzarella,

my hamster is a russian one.

you have to come to agreements with them as to not getting your fingers bit

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 20:49, archived)

my mate's hamster

ate half of his leather jacket and then leapt to it's death off the balcony, and was discovered the next day in a gutter, simultaneously broken and bloated. as my mates sister was pretty young at the time she was told he had run away.

skip forward about seven years, and i'm hanging out with my mate and his sister - now a young lady (and totally hot too but that's beside the point). we're all chatting about various memories from when we were younger and i remember this story, reminding the two of them of it in excruciating detail. i then notice the upset expression on the sister's face and realise what i've done. oops.

what a shit story.

(

mikeisbrill, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:26, archived)

i saw an alsatian do that a while back

It just stood yelping on an upstairs windowledge, hind legs still in the house.

the neighbours were shouting for it to go inside (which is what woke me up in the first place). it then took a step back, launched itself out of the window and went head first through a greenhouse roof.

that really confused me after a long weekend of verly little sleep and various excesses. i had to ask my bro if it really happened or if i imagined it...

(

Sack Sack - Norfolks laziest, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:49, archived)

Similar thing with a rabbit.

When I was a kid, about 5 or 6, we had some rabbits and one day I was poking one or something and it bit me, really hard, and nearly took the very top of my finger off. I've still got the scar.

Anyway, next day my dad tells me it's run away to live in the woods. Being young, I believed him.

For some reason I believed him for the next 18 years. Until, one day, pets come up in conversation around the dinner table and mention is made of that rabbit. I say something about it running away after it had bitten me. "Oh, you still believe that?" asked dad. "I was so upset it had bitten you, and by the amount of pain you were in, the next morning I wrung its neck and burried it in the garden. Then we told you it had run away to live in the woods".

Now, I was somewhat shocked but, in an odd way, a little pleased. It's nice to know that your dad would kill to protect you from harm.

In an interesting twist, not long after that my ex girlfriend ran away to live in the woods.

(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:13, archived)

Did she bite you too?

you didn't tell your dad did you?

(

OldWhit, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:59, archived)

i knew a dog that did that, kinda

this dog was very sucidal. they were going on vacation and the only place they dcould keep it was on the porch balcony, so they tied the leash to one of the rungs.......
stupid thing hung itself when it tried to jump off. gave us a good laugh, they were'nt too amused

(denki, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:00, archived)

we had a hamster in year six

it was called snowball. until it bit a girls hand and she bled for about half an hour. we referred to it as jaws after that, and everyone was scared to touch it, for fear of catching rabies through a poisonous bite.

(DeeDee, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 0:58, archived)

we used to live near an old, unused car fixing garage place.

It had a pit where the mechanics could get under the cars to see what was wrong.

One day our cat went missing, and after about 12 hours we went looking for her. We found her in the bottom of this pit. She had walked down the steps, but couldn't work out how to get back out. She was shivering, and miserable and covered in oil.

We took her staright to the vets, who told us just to clean the oil off with Swarfega.

So we took her home, sat her in a washing up bowl, and smothered her in Swarfega. She was so miserable she didn't even complain, but just sat there, bright green, covered in slime. Its one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Then we had to wash all teh swarfega off, and she didn't even complain about the water, poor miserable little thing.

We hairdryered her dry, so she went all fluffy, but the next day she was still shaking.

We took her back to the vets, who said tehre was nothing wring with her, she was just melodramatic and highly strung!

(Flower has a new job!, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:28, archived)

A old mate of mine used to work in a car auction house in Leighton Buzzard

A cat crawled under the bonnet of an old transit that had been left open by people inspecting the cars going through the sales and proceeded to fall asleep on the still warm engine. Someone else came along, turned the motor on without looking and the poor cat got minced by the fan. Cue copious vomiting from onlookers and my mate.

(plankton, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:34, archived)

I picked up my Sister's rabbit from its hutch and it was so scared it leapt out of my arms and broke its neck on the side of the hutch :)

Oh and I whisked her goldfish aswell. Hand-whisk, not electric. I wasn't *that* cruel :)

(

Canker, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:29, archived)

oh my god!

you added a smile to that?

:'( sob

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:58, archived)

Well to be fair

I was about 5 when I whisked the goldfish and about 8 when the kamikaze rabbit incident occurred. So we're talking over 20 years ago here... I was looking back in nostalgia, hence the smiley.

(

Canker, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:13, archived)

My ex-girlfriend had a cat called spangle

that decided to attack the christmas tree one year. As you may or may not know, cats have a poor understanding of the dangers of electricity
The poor thing was buried on christmas eve.

Or what about the pet crab i had that kept eating all my tropical fish

Or the time i bought these two wee lizards that could change colour and climb up walls and then the bloody cat went and ate them

Or the time i put my seamonkies into my pc's watercooler, they didn't fare too well

(

VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:30, archived)

some body corect me if im wrong but,

sea monkeys seem very simalar to brine shrimps, for those of you who dont know what brine shrimps are,very small crustaions that are bred as food for pet fish.
so on one hand you have your supper amazing live sea monkeys a sceintific miracal, posibly one of the most advanced life forms on the planent, who in order to survive must have there water purified with amazing secret chemicials and most magical food.
or you have brine shrimps which cost about £4 for hundreds of eggs, can be grown in old coke bottles just need aa cuple of grams of salt in the water, and i think youl find there resembelence remarkable
its amazing what people can sell to kids

(Leroy_slade, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 20:15, archived)

More cats and electricity stories... (cat is okay and lives to ripe old age)

Our old cat, when she needed a pee, and when it was cold outside, used to try to and find alternative places to do her thing around the house.

You want proof that cats are intelligent?

Well, she'd play it all complete innocent and sweetness, RIGHT up until she'd either seen you anywhere near where she'd done her secret wee, or if she got the feeling that you were purposefully looking for her, where upon she'd go mental doing EVERYTHING possible to keep well out your way (knowing full well that a face soaking from the water squirter was the usual punishment.)

Anyway, her favourite place to pee was the shoe cupboard, in the downstairs loo. However, sometimes the door was closed.
So when she couldn't get in there, she'd pee in the pots containing houseplants instead.

Only, she had a bad aim, a _REALLY_ really bad aim. She appeared to theorise that if she was in the houseplant pot, and she peed, that the wee would, therefore, end up in the pot also. Doh!

One day... whilst the family sitting quietly in the lounge, we heard the most odd sound I'd ever heard. It was like a kind of gentle electrical frizzing and tinkling sound, but not quite.

We turned around, to find the cat sitting on the pot for the huge Yukka plant. She was standing, deep in concentration, trying to have a secret pee in the Yukka plant pot. As usual, she was entirely unsuccessful at peeing in the pot, and with an enduring look of heightened concentration...

...she was instead urinating in a perfect arc, right over the edge of the pot, straight into a live electrical socket.

Cat and frizzing live 240 volt electrical socket connected by arc of urine.

It was, at the same time, both a terrifying and hilarious sight.

We think she was totally unaware of just how close to a call with death her call of nature nearly brought her. Either that, or she got a mild buzz from it and was enjoying it. She didn't let on, either way, and showed no ill effects afterwards, and lived to a ripe old age.

Stupid cat!

(

duckbilledfattypuss full of fatty pussy duckness, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 21:30, archived)

Another one of sorts..

My mother used to breed Newfoundland dogs – Big bastard things trained for water rescue; they have webbed feet and tow swimmers or small boats to shore.

I used to as a kid get roped into helping train these dogs by jumping off of a boat and pretending to drown, then my dad would send one of the dogs in to rescue me. They swim out to you put your arms around the dog’s neck and they swim you into shore (as an aside, though you get rescued from drowning the back legs of the dog and its nails cut your stomach to ribbons, I looked like an extra from a horror movie half the time as a kid)

Anyway, each year there’s this event for Newfoundland dogs called the ‘water trials’ where Newfoundland’s from all over the UK come to a park with a lake and the dogs do what they do (they also tow carts full of children a bit like ponies do)

There was one dog called ‘Bosun’ biggest dog I’ve ever seen – more like a bear than a dog, on his back legs he was a good 6 foot standing. Soft sod though, all he ever wanted to do was play or cuddle, anyway he did his stint in the water and the owner tied him to his VW camper van and left him with food and water and went to watch the other dogs..

Some 15 minutes later there was screaming and shouting coming from the parking area.. Turned out that Bosun still wanted to swim and was slowly dragging himself and a VW camper van with the handbrake on out of the parking area and towards the lake..

Luckily the van got stuck fast on a fence or it would have ended up in the water…

(

Darryn.R, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:31, archived)

"they have webbed feet "

are they from devon?

(andysith vs. the becardiganed mousethra. EEK, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:34, archived)

I'm from Devon

and my feet aren't webbed.

Hands are though...

(

notshiny, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:07, archived)

Tiverton?

/me is from Exeter

(

mattl has moved to boston, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 12:05, archived)

Those

are your feet.

(

brainstuff can eat a whole shredded wheat, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 12:34, archived)

Newfoundlands

are the best dogs in the world. Ever.

(KJHIOUPOIOIUKJJH, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:55, archived)

used to wind up my Staffordshire bull terrier until it chased me down the corridor to the kitchen where i would quickly shut the door and wait for the sound of the dog hitting the door at speed.

(

Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:35, archived)

my cat loves spinning chairs

i have to catch that on video : she sits down on a desk chair that can spin, and looks at us, clearly asking for something... we understood that she is waiting for us to make the chair spin around and around !

haha when we stop, she can't help her head from turning in the opposite direction and sometimes stands up and falls on the floor like shit, haha !

(

yomgaille, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:35, archived)

Ours love that too!

Once one gets on and you start spinnin it, the other will appear from nowhere and try and jump on while the chair is going full-tilt.
Dave tries to attack your hands while you spin the chair whch makes it fun for everyone!

(Baj does Minecraft - http://www.youtube.com/w92baj, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:52, archived)

Space

I have a little jack russel who is really cool called Jake, many years ago I was baking a batch of home made cakes with a special ingredient, after eating a few cakes and being pretty wasted I held one down to my dog - as a joke - he however ran up and scoffed it before i pulled it away - my reaction time was somewhat slowed down! He spent the next three days walking round in little circles, eating biscuits and making funny noises! My parents were puzzled but none the wiser! The dog enjoyed the experience immensely and earned the title of Space Cake Jake!

(jizmasterzero, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:38, archived)

How my pets abused my pets:

My dad built himself an aviary on our balcony, and he had a few canaries and finches in it. He built a little bit in the bottom to house our pure white rabbit (rather appropriatly named Rambo).

So there was a layer of chicken wire between the rabbit bit and the aviary.

My Dad bought some quails to run around on the floor (quails cant fly you see). One morning I get up to feed Rambo, only to find he has chewed through the chicken wire and savaged one of the quails. White rabbit is now blood red rabbit. The other of the two quails is sitting on the top perch of the aviary. Magically defeating gravity, it had flown up in fear.

My Dad reinforced the chicken wire with two layers, but the rabbit back and the quail back on the floor.

Next day, I came back to feed the now cleaned up rabbit. But he was running around the aviary with the other quails arse hanging out of its mouth. Straight to the vets.

(

Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:39, archived)

budgie on acid

Friend of mine (mad scottish bloke from uni) once confessed to placing half a tab in his budgie's drinking water.

He reported that the budgie went "stiff" and then let out a "massive squawk" before keeling over and dying.

What must've passed through that tiny bird's mind in the moments before death has been a source of sad, yet amusing, speculation...

(Tarka_the_Frotter, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:43, archived)

our budgie...

...ate loads of grit then had a stroke

It was lying on the floor squawking and couldn't move down one side

(

beefandcheese, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:50, archived)

Sounds like:

"You assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk"
"Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords."

(

OldWhit, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 9:13, archived)

Note - Sea Monkeys Don't Like Gripe Water

Neither do axylotyls.

But Stick insects don't mind having their legs severed off by a spinning gyroscope (lazy sods - they should try balancing on them better).

(Reply, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:44, archived)

A friend had a rabbit named Flower

Flower was an epilepitic rabbit and was prone to siezures but was more or less healthy. His owner was concerned for his well being and wanted him to get lots of fresh air and sunshine. One fine morning, Flower's owner thought it would be a good idea for Flower to get some fresh air and sunshine on the balcony of his flat. Flower picked that morning to have a seizure and promptly fell through the drainage opening down the pavement below. Flower is now pushing up the daisies.

(mrfalafel, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:51, archived)

pushing up daisies?

sounds like a crap job to me

(

manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:02, archived)

We used to have a glass dining table.

I'd get Merry, our slightly dopy retriever to sit underneath it, whilst I dropped dog biscuits on to the top of the table. Every time she'd smash her nose against the underside of the table as she tried to catch the biscuits.

Stupid dog.

(

Baz Fuck off, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:51, archived)

Toads

You think your dog is stupid! I have a couple of oriental fire-bellied toads (they're gay, but that's a different story). When I'm bored, I wiggle my finger against the glass of the terrarium (so all that sticks up from their point of view is the tip). They go crawling over one another and running into the glass trying to eat my finger. They're stupid, see, but they're cute. :p

(futile, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 4:31, archived)

We ere

looking after a hamster for a friend of ours once. We used to take it out of the cage and let it sit on the sofa with us, grabbing it when it tried to burrow into the corner of the cushions. There was a bag of rather strong weed on the arm of the sofa. We didn't think much about this until the hamster found it and took a big sniff. It just dropped dead.

Or so we thought.
It was all limp and we were starting to think up ways to break the news to it's owner when he woke up again and carried on as normal. He was out for a couple of minutes. Funniest thing once we knew he was OK.

(Baj does Minecraft - http://www.youtube.com/w92baj, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:52, archived)

My old cat Lotus used to run down the hall in my old flat.

The flat had a long hallway which ended in the bathroom. Lotus would race down the hallway, jump in the bathtub and race back down the hall.

For fun, we'd fill the bathtub with water and wait for the splash. He always fell for it.

(mrfalafel, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:53, archived)

My cat Diesel

used to flip his water bowl over and paddle around in the mess.
To teach him a lesson I filled the bath with water and chucked him in.
Little fucker swam up and down purring his stupid fucking head off !

(

The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 20:27, archived)

HA!

But I share your frustration.

(Dr Hiss, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 21:57, archived)

this smelly dude i used to know

was a total bastard to fish. once he spent a fortune on a malaysian fighting fish, and with the cunning use of a mirror in the tank he tricked ut into beating itself to death against the mirror. what a cunt, eh?

(

mikeisbrill, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 11:54, archived)

keith the hamster went for a swim

yes it's true, i dropped my hamster in my fish tank. he went mental and as i spooned him out of the water, he fell behind the radiator. poor keith was well shaken up, he'd gone from being freezing cold to ridiculously hot in the space of 30 seconds.

the fish were fine though, but i'm sure they remember the night they were visited by a hairy beasty.

(bruce_the_badger, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:03, archived)

My mate used to let his chinchillas run around the front room and when they ran over his hand he used to lift it up as quickly as he could and they did backflips. FUN!

(nur nur nur, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:00, archived)

friend of mine...

would put his hamster on a cushion and drop it from the top bunk of his bed, the cushion would hit the loor and the hamster would try, in the split-second before bouncing in the air, to run away. so we would get to see a hamster about 6 inches in the air, legs going like the clappers then it would land and sprint into the skirting board

(

manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:07, archived)

damn you!

Just got told off at work for laughing out loud.

(

CowJam, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 16:49, archived)

sorry

but you didnt have to be there, dont you just hate it when what you are drinking shoots out of your nose?

(

manolith hooray for me, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 11:16, archived)

kinda cruel but accidental :)

When I was about 12 I had a hamster. When we cleaned its cage out we used to let it run around the room and explore, then recapture it and return it to the clean and sweet smelling cage. While it was out it used to love to get into the underside of the sofa and climb up the wooden framework, and have a good chew on it.

It's unfortunate demise was brought about one day when we lifted the sofa to retrieve it, but couldn't see or hear the hamster in his usual hideout. So we replaced the sofa and hunted elsewhere. When we couldn't find it we decided to try the sofa again. On lifting it, we discovered that hammy HAD been in there the first time, and tried to run out into the open at the very moment we had dropped the sofa back onto the carpet. The timing was very unfortunate, as it had become trapped under the front edge of the sofa, and on our second look under the sofa we discovered it, pretty flat and sadly no longer with us.

(nutty_nut_nuts, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:03, archived)

another hamster story...

seems like a have a few. way back my friend tara had a trampoline, with which we abused ourselves.and hamsters. she had two of them, and we used to spend the afternoons plaing catch with them, using baseball gloves.then we would hit the trampoline. with the hamsters. we would place them in the center and double bounce then many feet into the air. one day i had a bright idea - i would jump off the roof, onto the trampoline, and double bounce the little dude into orbit. sounded like a good plan. too good. i jumped off the roof, and bounced the bugger about 20 feet into the air. problem was when he came down, he missed the tramp, and hurtled to the ground below. poor little guy was alive but we paralysed him. all we could do was watch him lay there like a mongoloid and force feed him. i am going to hell.

(goorf, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:02, archived)

My guinea pigs got murdered by badgers!

True you know! Badgers are quite a pest in Castle Cary.

And my cat Billy (as in 'Fat') can be persuaded to jump into car windows.

(

PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:04, archived)

Badgers eat hedghogs

which makes me like badgers slightly less.

BTW: More detail on the car window stuff please.

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:07, archived)

Yes they do.

There are often hedgehog husks left in my parents garden by badger.

(

PeterSeychelles, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:10, archived)

Are you sure

they're not giant conker shells?

(Dr Hiss, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:00, archived)

Cat and car window

My cat is slightly dog-like in his reliably jumping up from wherever he is (unless deeply asleep) when we get home. We had a 2CV which made a silly hairdryer noise and silly clippy up front windows. Which cat decided to jump through when we pulled up (as he could hear the car from a couple of blocks away)

And he's jumped into any car we've had since, which amazes the neighbours no end!

(

PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:27, archived)

We had a 2CV

our cat seemed to think it was the appocalipse (is that how u spell it?) coming or something cos everytime we drove back up thye drive it shot out from whereever it happened to be puking and out through his cat flap - usually taking the cat flap with it round its waist like a tutu....

(The great and powerful P-nut, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:56, archived)

nooooo!

evil, evil badgers.

(

Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 6:46, archived)

help! badgers!

they're bigger than you think.

anyone from oxford brookes uni living in harcourt hill will know what im talking about... maybe

(

manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:11, archived)

Mine too!

My cat Achie is obsessed with jumping in car windows too.
Scared the crap out of some bloke who was sat in his car waiting for his girlfriend, (my next door neighbour) skinning up a crafty joint!!

(NismO_UK, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 15:47, archived)

Moth Abuse

One happy summer as a child - I found a new night-time game for my cat. I would turn the light on and open the window.

The moths would fly in and my cat would eat them. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

Then I caught him eating a rather lovely dragonfly. It was still buzzing as he munched.

I felt rather guilty and stopped the game.

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:05, archived)

and flies

we've found one of our cats wandering around with a buzzing coming out of its (closed) mouth and a cross-eyed look as it tries to see where the noise is coming from.

Sometimes there is a swallow, then silence and sometimes the mouth opens and the fly emerges relatively unscathed

(adtibbalds, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:53, archived)

My cat used to do that

It all stopped though the day she caught a Bee.

(

evil_andy Stick stick stick stick sticky sticky stick stick, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:33, archived)

My Cat

Loves to eat flies. He follows them all around the room, growls, pounces and munch crunch munch.

The other day I was sitting outside and this large, mangled, 4 legged spider walked past him. a quick munch and the spider was gone. Cat walked off.
Cat came back 30 secs later, sat down, coughed and out walked a slightly more mangled, yet still able bodied, 4 legged spider.
Apparently they don't taste nice.

(

Weetobix, Tue 21 Oct 2003, 15:21, archived)

ours did that!

He had it's wings sticking out of each side of his mouth.

Looked like he had little mouth wings

(

beefandcheese, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:54, archived)

cat farts

we live in the NW of the us, and around august time flying termites appear. being kids, me and sis would go out with our badmitton rackets and hit them out of the air, either chopping their wings off or cutting them in half our crazy ass neighbor cat Namaste (possibly helped when my dad conker her int he head hard with a rock) would come out and eat what we hit down, and then fart to worst i have ever smelt. so we quickly would kill the bugs and then run the hell away from the cat to escape its gas

(denki, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:17, archived)

speaking of moths

in colorado (southwestern u.s.) the summer time (usually mid-june to mid-august) is filled with miller moths. they're real annoying because if you leave any light (even a small thing, like a clock on - with out blinds or shades or whatever on the window) at night, they find any way they can to get to it, and fill up the whole room. fortunately, we had cruel techniques for moth extinguishing... two particular ways that we would do it were to open up the back of a large fan and slowly feed them through, watch the shredded moth come through the front, and then laugh like little 7th grade girls... it was just that amusing. another thing to do was to get those stand up lamps that have the little shade/bowl around the lightbulb at the top (and make sure it's an adjustable one that the light can be faded on) and we would toss the moths on and watch them burn - usually, you had to catch one and throw it on real quick with the light at max. that way they'd get stuck burning on it. the most amusing part was turning the light up and down (so that there wasn't a fire or anything) and watching the moth smolder... the amount of moths made for great fun if you had any enemies at work, though.

(goggle:co, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 0:54, archived)

snowy seen

When I was a kid me and my brother had a rabbit called Snowy which we liked having but were not so keen on looking after. One December our Mum threatened us by saying that if we didn't clean out Snowy's cage then we would eat her for Christmas dinner.
We didn't get round to cleaning out the cage in time and come Christmas day Snowy was served up. Although I was very young I clearly remember knowing that we were eating Snowy but not being too bothered about it.

(Vans, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:06, archived)

is this Christmas with the Lectors?

(

rob, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:09, archived)

fava beans and a nice egg nog

only if we'd have made gloves out of Snowy too.

(Vans, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:12, archived)

Some of you are evil bastards.

But Sellotaping fishfood to the outside of the tank is good, clean, harmless fun :)

Unless you're a fish.

(

durbster durbster.co.uk, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:10, archived)

Cockatoo (Australian parrot)

My dad had a cockatoo(85 years Old) who used to love beer, We used to have Kegs and he would dive into the dregs bucket under the tap, get right into it. He would then become real abusive, telling everyone how ugly they were then he would pass out under a bush - then my friend went to take a piss on the bush and thats where hed passed out. getting peed on woke him up, came charging out and bit my friend on the ankle - while hes still pissing, at this stage all over himself, and the bird still had his ankle

(bing, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:18, archived)

however

hiding fish food under pizza toppings and giving it to a friend - thats bad, dirty, harmless fun

(

manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:13, archived)

Two stories

On my first and only driving lesson, I ran
over and killed a cat. I vowed I would never
get behind the wheel of a car again until a
few years later, I was the passenger in my
girlfriend's car in Kent. She hit, but didn't
kill a rabbit, and the poor thing had to be
put out of its misery

Guess who had to reverse the car over its
head? Yep. Twice I've been behind the wheel,
and twice I've killed beasties.

The other one was when I was at school; we had
a hamster in a cage that was in the habit of
climbing up onto it. I thought it would be
amusing to connect the crocodile clips of an
AC/DC converter and let it rip.

R.I.P. was the operative word.

(

Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:16, archived)

oh my god

i have way too many of these stories. as i said, i am going to hell.
one day, my friends and i were in a park smoking ,lotsa spliffs. we had a golf club and were hitting balls into the field, trying to see how close we could come to hitting a flock of gulls, who were loitering there. we ran out of balls, so we tried throwing rocks instead. my friend evan could throw like a madman, and he heaved this huge rock into the air, which hit a bird on the wing, tearing about half of it off. all the other birds took off and this one just ran around screaming its head off (as you will see, this is no pun intended).we were right fried and didn't know what to do.so dave suggests the only thing to do is to put it out of its misery. with the club.evan chases it down, steps on his neck and whacks the gulls head off like a golf ball on the fairway...little did we know there was a young family with thier child who were having a picnic not far from us, and had witnessed the whole thing. the mom shit her pants, the kid freaked out and the dad charged us frothing at the mouth and wanting to beat the piss out of us. he threatened to call the cops etc., we tried to calm him down , but then just ran off. it was horrible. as i said, i'll see you in hell.

(goorf, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:15, archived)

German man charged with teaching dog Hitler salute

Not mine but fucking funny...

www.ananova.com/news/story/s...latestheadlines

A German man is to appear in court charged with teaching his dog to give the Hitler salute.

The black sheepdog-mix, named Adolf, has been taught to lift his right front paw up straight in the salute on command.

Police were called to the scene in Berlin when Roland T, 54, shouted at passers-by last year.

When a patrol arrived, he allegedly showed them the trick he had taught his dog, gave the salute along with Adolf, and shouted: "Sieg Heil."

Now he has been charged with using symbols of unconstitutional organisations. If found guilty, he faces up to three years in prison.

Adolf will probably be brought to a pet shelter, the Berliner Kurier reports.

Carola Ruff, of the local animal protection organisation, says the dog shouldn't be judged for what its owner taught it.

"It makes me sick to think someone's using his dog as an instrument of his deranged brain," she told the paper.

(

Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:17, archived)

brothers suck

when i was you I had some fish. I had some long, thin dark ones with sucker-mouths. After a fair amount of patience, I could get them to just about jump out of the water on sight of my fingers in the bowl.

Using his new found skill, one of the fish jumped out of the tank. My brother walked in, seeing the fish on the floor almost dead though it wasn't a fish at all, it was a cat turd (despite the fact we don't have any cats). He used a library ticket to flick it out onto the lawn, where it was promptly eaten by next door's cat.

(

CowJam, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:20, archived)

When you were me?

(

weirdbeard, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:25, archived)

N, G, get back over here!

Well, I'm either Sam Beckett and I really was you for a while, or the 'n' and 'g' were hiding at the back of the monitor having a craft tab. Damn youngsters.

(

CowJam, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 15:47, archived)

I don't know if I can match some of the evil here but anyway...

here's a story taken from my alt tag to this...

One time when I was a kid, we were fishing in the grounds of the nearby university. We caught an eel, well I didn't, I was just hanging out with friends who were fishing, but anyways, they caught a river eel - horrible things - so they threw it to the neighbour-dog who used to follow me around. He eats it whole and LIVE. It was somehwere between hilarious and nauseating. He kept coughing and stumbling sideways as it wriggled in his stomach. Our laughter was the worried laughter of young kids who thought they may have accidentally done something really, really bad. About an hour later we went home, and as usual he followed us, although his sideways stumbling and asthmatic sounding barks were less than reassuring. He had one final coughing fit - we thought he might die - and coughed a whole, live, and semi-digested eel onto the pavement, where it wriggled down into a drain. It was very gross.

(

WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:22, archived)

Fascinating things, eels

You know they can cross land? I've seen them do it... they'll leave a lake, and cross to a stream.

Here's an article about them:
www.predator-fishing.co.uk/articles/eelfish2.htm

(blather http://blather.net, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:30, archived)

I'll click anything me

but in this case, I thik I missed the punchline.

Sorry, to me they're just greasy water snakes, and I say boo to them.

(

WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:59, archived)

eelfish and eels are

different things, i think. because eels aren't terrorizing everything. and they're not going to take over the world like cockroaches are. that makes me think... cockroaches can surive a nuke. can they survive being digested live?

(goggle:co, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 1:09, archived)

eninac

We gave our dog space dust (that stuff that crackled in your mouth) which made it run backwards.

(Vans, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:24, archived)

when i was a kid

me and some friends did that to their labrador. He lapped it up and sat there with an extremely puzzled expression on his face as the crackling started and we pissed ourselves.

(

weevilstepmother, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:56, archived)

an earlier post regarding cats and lsd

yes - lsd does kill cats even when given very small doses (personal experience) BUT, if you still wish to see a hallucinating cat, may i suggest a relatively safe AND natural way - Magic Mushrooms (Psilocybe).
From personal experience:
1. as cats don't like the taste of mushrooms, dip them in tuna oil
2. only give one mushroom per cat, unless it is an obese persian, then four is extremely funny
3. ensure you have an easily accessible escape route should the cat have a "bad trip"
4. leave the cat in the same environment while tripping (ie DO NOT take the cat from a darkened van into a very large shopping centre that has several electronic Christmas decorations - personal experience)
5. most importantly - even though the cat has entered an altered state of consciousness, the instinctive fear of dogs remains and in fact can be elevated to such a level that permanent pschological damage is possible if the cat inadvertently becomes locked in a room with seven 9 week old blue heeler/kelpie cross puppies, who offered no real physical threat (personal experience).

(peewee13, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:36, archived)

My cat used to love sitting in front of our gas fire...

And one day i was bored and decided to put his tail into it. No reason, i was just a bored seven year old. He shot out of the house tail alight, trailing a stench of burnt hair and disappeared for a week. The hair on his tail never grew back.

(PacStar, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:36, archived)

I refer you

...to my earlier post

(

weirdbeard, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:36, archived)

fat kits in party hats

Could be a contender to the classic

www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/

(Vans, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:40, archived)

Not really cruelty story...

...as I get upset by that, but...

I have 5 fish of which one is huge, he is known as 'big fish' (obviously). Got home one day to find Big Fish had his mouth stuck open, and upon closer inspection I noticed he had a stone stuck in his mouth.
So I used my hands to try to squeeze the sides of his mouth, and manipulate the stone out of his mouth but to no avail.

Then I decided that the other fish might be getting a bit upset by all this, so I filled the spare tank and put big fish in that. Tried again with the oral massaging ans still no luck. So, being brought up as an engineer I realised that I would have to get something in behind the stone and lever it out. So did I get a cocktail stick? No. A knitting needle? No. I turned my back on the tank, reached into our cutlery drawer and pulled out my lovely sharp paring knife.

I turned to face the tank, the fish took one look at what I had in my hand and spat the damn stone straight out.

Bastard.

(Scribble, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:38, archived)

I like that story

(

aubergene, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:48, archived)

Hamster tragedy... Unlikely tortoise escape

My friend didn't have much luck with her pets.

Her sister squashed their hamster by accident with the loud pedal on the piano. Presumably this added to the drama of the piece...

They also had a tortoise. It ran away. I kid you not.

(Just_Tom, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:38, archived)

hahahaa

that made me lol

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:16, archived)

one of the pikeys on my old estate

used to be a crackhead, unfortunatly for him he used to smoke it in the same room as his dog,

as sad as this is it wasnt really a problem till he decided to quit the junk,

the moral of this story:

never try stroking a crackhead staffie terrier who is being forced to go cold turkey if you want to keep all your fingers

(

Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:39, archived)

pikeys?

oh, that means scally doesn't it?

(

Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:17, archived)

I thought it meant

gypo?

(Jibbed, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 2:36, archived)

It means

anyone that wears Elizabeth Duke Jewellery or Burberry

(NismO_UK, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 16:01, archived)

fuck off!

my girlfriend gave me a very nice ring made by elizabeth duke so shut it.
no arguments with the burberry point though. did you know that burberry make dog bowls!
and prada make tool kits

does anyone want to tell me how to write stuff in little writing in these posts?

(

manolith hooray for me, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 15:58, archived)

<small>insert text here </small>

(Clockwork, Tue 21 Oct 2003, 14:58, archived)

Goldfish trauma

My mate had a free house a few years ago. After coming back from a party one night four of us went into the garden and started wrestling. After mangling ourselves up a bit we chucked each other in the pond. It seemed like a funny idea at the time but sadly the next morning all the prize gold fish had died of shock or something and floated to the top. The only thing we could think of doing with all these dead fish was to put them on the compost heap.
Two days later the smell was utterly unbearable. (My mate's parents were none too pleased either)

(mister nice guy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:41, archived)

what?

four of us went into the garden and started wrestling.

Thats a bit, well, gay?

(

Capt. Tastic, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 14:19, archived)

also

click me!

(peewee13, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:42, archived)

ha ha haaaaaa

thats fantastic!

(

manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:23, archived)

"Adam"

yeah we bought a budgie and named it adam......bloody thing hated us never came near us and was obviously abused at petco the shop we got him from....anyway I got home from the pub and adam was all hunched over in his cage and on his last legs so I thought id put him out of his misery.....how to kill a budgie????? gas the little fella on the gas ring (thought of miners and canarys as gas alerts doen mines) so I held him near the gas ring and turned it on slightly.....then click click click and the ring lit.......so did adams head.....picture the olympic flame in budgie form......didn't half stink

(cheekybleeder, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 12:50, archived)

Mind if I smoke?

Did you put it out in the ashtray?

(Seamus Andrew Murphy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:50, archived)

damn budgie

no pan of water to finish him off as it goes, full of water with a glass lid on it till the smouldering one finally died......it was nuts honest...

(cheekybleeder, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 0:21, archived)

i'm sorry

but i've been laughing for nearly five minutes at the mental image of a lit budgie being waved around :)

(

spiny - things are looking up, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:45, archived)

I just spat coffee

all over my new TFT!

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 12:56, archived)

when

i was younger my mate had a dog that used to go nuts for this one toy so we sat one day by the back door (sliding french windows) and the dog was running in and out.
we then decided to close the door with my friend outside and he threw the toy the dog ran straight for it..
i never knew dogs could go splat but thats really the only word i can think of for the noise it made when it hit the back door

(

Plomien is Polish for flame, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:05, archived)

Did the same thing...

But the timing was such that the head got jammed in the patio door!

(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 17:22, archived)

When our old dog went blind

we moved all the furniture around

/Old gits

(

<>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:06, archived)

some years ago i had a hamster

named Reggie the Veggie. He was very athletic and would climb the bars of his cage and then cross the roof of the cage upside down, finishing above his little house, where he would do a back flip and land the right way up on the roof.

He was a bit thick though. His little house was a yellow plastic cube with a roof-shaped lid and a little Playschool arch opening at the front for a door. When given treats he would pouch them and head for the house where he would dump them. One day we discovered a new hamster treat, which was about the size and shape of a decent cigar. He could just get his little fangs round it to pick it up, but no way was it a poucher, it was a take it away and nibble it kind of thing.

So he heads for the house, carrying it in his mouth. *Thud* "I normally fit through this door." *Thud* "Try again" *Thud* and so on, until eventually he shimmied it in end first. Oh how we laughed.

We laughed even more when we gave him the next one and saw the process repeated - he never did learn...

(

weevilstepmother, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:08, archived)

Confession:

I took my tortoise out of it's hibernation box in January to play with him, left him outside, and he died. I'm sorry Zippy, I was only 8, I didn't know!

(

Just Juan Cornetto will take you to the lo-rider show n' flaunt ya on, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:11, archived)

rocket frogs

You know at school when you make a rocket from a 2 litre bottle, a bicycle valve, a cork and a footpump ? Well, we made one in the summer holidays once, but instead of using a footpump we used my Dads compressor for spraying cars.

The rockets went a very long way but after a while we got bored. It was decided that we'd make a little frog compartment and use the mass of frogs from our pond and launch them into space.

It worked a treat and most of them survived. Then again, some of them got taken by the wind and our neighbours where probably finding plastic bottles with frogs in cardboard containers :)

(JBoom, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:22, archived)

hamster dance (mine didn't)

When I was a kid we thought our hamster died so we threw it in the bin. It wasn't until later we were informed that hamsters hibernate. oops.

(shux, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:24, archived)

Another fishy one

Friend of mine a while back kept tropical fish
but didn't know anything about them - he just
bought whatever looked nice. This caused a few
intra-tank conflicts as you may guess.

One day his girlfriend saw a fish that she
thought charmingly ugly and bought it for the
tank. And yes, it was a piranha.

Cue utter carnage next morning as he awoke to
find that the Japanese Fighting fish had been
reduced to a stubble, the baby shark bitten in
half, and the loach hiding under a rock in
abject terror.

I went round there that evening to watch the
utter chaos as the surviving fishies were
menaced by said Piranha, who mysteriously
vanished a day later. Beats any screensaver.

(

Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:33, archived)

"Beats any screensaver"

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Classic closing line! Brilliant! (:

(

<>Dog www.stevelaker.blog, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:06, archived)

researched food levels

I found that the perfect amount of special brew for a boxer dog to be absolutely pissed but not sick is 1 can minus a big swig.

Also, goldfish fed exclusively on strawberry swiss roll grow huge but expire rapidly.

100% Researched Facts

(

Ulic hissing slightly, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:35, archived)

Bengal!

We've got a bengal caT (called Benny),.. We've found that if we watch something Kung Fu related, ideally Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, he'll sit on the stairs and watch it, then proceed to spend the next couple of days running along the walls, and launching bullettime style attacks on our dog (Martha).

Other games we tried to play with him were hanging up some kind of ball on a string just out of his reach, he'll bat at it for a few minutes, then sit and stare at it for a few minutes, then attack the place were we've secured it so it fall on the floor. He'll then walk off and attack the dog.

He regularly attacks the dog, the dog is a Bull Mastiff.

(HoTWire, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:37, archived)

ninja

Cats=Ninja Dogs=Not ninja

(juoj8, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 10:51, archived)

If you take a standard syrian hamster,

and put a straw through the bars of its cage it bites the end. If you then gently blow down the straw, the hamsters cheek pouches inflate like a balloon. After about 10 times, they stop biting the straws.

When my second cousin was about 4 or 5, he had a fish called Fish. My cousin found him one day holding a now dead Fish and crying. Apparently he'd taken it out of the tank to give it a cuddle because "it must have been cold in the water".

(goat thinks you're shit, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:37, archived)

Inadvertent boily shark death...

I used to have a 4ft fishtank, which I filled with a load of tropical fish, including a Black, Red-tailed Shark called Vorhees. They are only about 6" long but look the biz.

They all lasted quite a while, until the fighting fish killed itself (in a similar reflection-battering death as posted earlier) and the others succumbed to black-spot before I could get to them. This just left Vorhees alone in his tank.

One day, I noticed the bottom corner was leaking, so I carefully prepared a smaller tank with some of the existing water, set it up all nice and spangly, and transferred the shark along with the heating unit and the filter.

Now, I didnt realise that if you reduce the amount of water in a tank by 4/5, then the heating unit doesnt need to work as hard. so you have to use a much smaller one.

Suffice to say I came back upstairs half an hour later to find vorhees very much dead on the surface of the tank, in water that was too hot to put my hand in.

No, we didnt eat him.

(

B00gle-H00ps Looks like a horse, in a man costume..., Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:43, archived)

Careful - he'll probably regenerate

then come after you, wearing a fishy hockey mask

(

roystead, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:24, archived)

i got a pipe and led the towns rats

off a cliff

(

Sunshine Elephant, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:47, archived)

I thought

that was Supermoore?

(

Number_6, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 13:53, archived)

How do you do that

without falling off the edge yourself?

(Baj does Minecraft - http://www.youtube.com/w92baj, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 20:08, archived)

my wife's dog

once ate all her crayons. the ensuing shits were multicoloured for days - a dog's digestive system doesn't touch Crayolas....

(cliffrichardsladyboysexslave, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:05, archived)

Mel Noble's goldfish

died at my hand when I fed them crumbled dog biscuits instead of goldfish food, because I'd run out while looking after them. oops.

(cliffrichardsladyboysexslave, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:11, archived)

I had a cat that used to chase anything.

So I used to make fast circles with a stick, get the cat to chase them and then laugh like a bastard as it tried to walk away in a straight line with its eyes reeling...

(

sp3ccylad carries on breathing all the way up to, say, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:09, archived)

we have a dog

named Wallace- when he was young we went out to a reservoir on a nice day - picture the scene; lots of nice grass surrounding a not very deep res. So, we throw a few sticks around and the dog is loving it. We throw one and it goes in the water. Wallace, having never seen water before, plows headfirst into it and disappears.

Shocked looks from me and my parents then about a minute later his front paws emerge and dig into the edge of the grass, then up comes his head and we pull him out.

Poor thing hates water now - we have to lift him into the bath in order to clean him. Terrified at the time, bloody funny now though.

(

Jalu, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:13, archived)

A "friend" ...

... once took his daddy's fish out of their tank to play with them. After a while they stopped wriggling. So he put them on the radiator to warm them up. It didn't help.

(

Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:21, archived)

When I was about 12

my kid sister accidentally squashed her pet hamster by rolling over it with a chair. She started screaming and I emerged from my bedroom just in time to see my dad rush in and start administering mouth to mouth resuscitation to the small rodent. It was like watching someone blow up a hamster balloon.

After about 30 secs he stopped, gave my sister the grim news that her hamster was dead, walked into the bathroom and threw up. I, of course, thought this was the funniest thing I had ever seen.

(

Mod Edit, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:22, archived)

Rather graphic.

Very touching moment between Da and a near-rat. I suppose it's lucky Sis didn't have a St. Bernard.

(Seamus Andrew Murphy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:41, archived)

Hahaha....

quite. Absolutely true story, 100% of fact, he was also compressing its little ribcage with his thumbs as he held it. He was a doctor so I suppose it was semi-instinctive.

(

Mod Edit, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:52, archived)

I was sure......

... that by now somebody would have written 'hampster' instead of 'hamster' but, no, you're the first.

(

Lord_Floaty Hooting gladly., Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:19, archived)

Oooooooh...

bollocks. I did of course mean her pet hamper.

(

Mod Edit, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:48, archived)

If you're ASPCA, then look away please.

I took masking tape and made loops with it, sticky side out, then stuck them on the underside of my cat's paws. It was hilarious to watch the cat stuck to the floor. He would struggle to lift up his left front leg and right rear leg and shake them violently, then put those down and lift his right front and left rear and shake. He finally gave up and stood there stuck to the floor waiting for me to do something for him.

A friend used to take his cat and duct-tape it into an empty kleenex box so that only it's head was sticking out. Then he'd send it sliding and spinning across a wooden floor. The cat was only so amused.

Both cats survived and I'm actually quite friendly with mine these days.

(Seamus Andrew Murphy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:34, archived)

that's

hysterical. i've known a few cats i'd like to tape to the floor.

(whosebooze, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:19, archived)

Not a funny one for me, but might raise a laugh from you guys..

A few years ago now I inherited a ferret called Fergie. It was the runt of the litter and the guy who owned the ferrets wanted to kill it but me (the fool) felt so sorry for it I took it home.

I made him a cage/run out of the hall cupboard and let him out at night to run about but he couldn’t run properly, he’d sort of drag himself around the room slowly by his front legs and then playfully bite your toes..

I took him to the vet who told me he was rather ill and probably shouldn’t have made it from the litter of babies and that he wouldn’t live long as he had something wrong with his brain and was slowly on his way out of this life with paralysis to come, which was why he couldn’t walk properly..

I wasn’t about to let the vet put him down so I took him home and worried, then I had the brilliant idea of strapping his bottom half to a children’s roller-skate !

It worked a treat, he flew round the living room floor faster than he’d ever moved, he headed for his food and water at speed rather than a struggle it was a joy to behold until I realized he couldn’t actually turn corners and would run full skate into walls.

It was always good fun to watch, but you had to keep picking him up and turning him round ‘cos he got stuck in corners or under the couch..

He didn’t live long, the paralysis got worse and I ended up feeding him by hand and giving him drinks a couple of times a night and then he died..

But the story doesn’t end there…

As I had nowhere to bury him in the flat I lived in but was moving in a matter of weeks to a house with a garden I decided to pop him into a shoebox and then into the freezer till I could give him a decent burial in my new garden..

I moved with the help of mates, a hire van and a few cars but when we got to the new house there was no sign of the frozen ferret anywhere.. Searches of the cars and van turned up no trace of the frozen Fergie anywhere..

I never did find out what happened to him, but someone finding a shoebox that day must have got one hell of a shock when they opened it to find a frozen ferret strapped onto a roller-skate

(

Darryn.R, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:38, archived)

that's actually really sad

but in summarised form is radio-perfect... Sorry!
Just the whole not-turning part.

Fair fu(ks to you for giving him a decent chance though.

(

WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:12, archived)

That's beautiful

What a sweet sweet man you are

(Jibbed, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 3:28, archived)

doggy

we've put shoes and winter boots on my dog to see him clump around with a tolerant, 'you are stupid' expression on his face. but the best is putting him in a sweatshirt- that means no traction for the feet on our hardwood floors, and it looks like the involuntary Ice Capades.

the neighbor's dog went batshit and ate just the heads off a litter of kittens once, followed by an entire bag if hershey's kisses, foil and all. we thought that'd kill him (and justly so for his dark deed) but no, he just shit out little chocolate robots for a week and went on being evil.

(clumsyassassin, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:40, archived)

hahaha

"chocolate robots". What an image

(Jibbed, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 3:30, archived)

there was a resident flat cat in my mate's place

called "crab". it'd been given poppers by someone at a party, and since then only walked sideways.

(

SpunkyBackpack, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:42, archived)

that

reduced me to tears!

(

Jobe, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:56, archived)

I take it you don't

mean party poppers?

(Jibbed, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 3:27, archived)

The neighbours

round the back of my mum's house had a poodle. Fucking horrible dogs. Anyway, this one used to eat its lead. Eventually it would get so far then start to choke and the neighbour had to pick the dog up by the lead, where it would hang while it slowly regurgitated its way back down.

The lead used to rot 'cos of the bile or whatever coating the end and they'd buy another. It always had a few lead coloured threads hanging out of its arse.

When it got older they took it to the vet 'cos it was off its food and the vet removed a tennis ball-sized lump of congealed chewed dog lead.

They've got a rottweiler now. Go figure.

(

Smallbrainfield, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 14:59, archived)

Kids are evil

My friend told me she was looking after the school hamster one weekend and she put it in its ball and pushed it down the stairs. Whoops

My older sister whan she was very little, somehow got our goldfish Flora out of her bowl, and tried to help it by scuwering it with her my little pony pencil

(

Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:18, archived)

our dog would eat all sorts of trash

off the floor on his walks so one day after market we allowed him to eat a raw chili pepper...his mouth went numb for the next few hours and he did all sorts of wierd faces.
He was called Rocky Balboa and was nuts...he would pull my bike and would grab his little rubber bone so hard with his teath that you could swing him round and round like at the olympics ^_^

(Saffy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:29, archived)

I must have missed

that event

(Jibbed, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 3:35, archived)

Well,

Many years ago, a school friend of mine had a cat which was cross-eyed. The thing used to sleep under sheets, and if you happened to lean near where he was, he'd dig all four claws into you.

But revenge could be taken in one easy step when he was sitting on the arm of a sofa;

Put both hands together so that the palms are flat against each other, and slowly move them towards the cat right between his little cross-eyed. Once you were a couple of inches from his face, simply pull your hands apart from each other. The cat would just fall over backwards onto the floor.

Oh, the memories....

Our own pets were never evil enough to warrant evilness back. But one of the pet rabbits had a penchant for eating live mains cables. I guess it liked its teeth to spark...

(Glis, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:19, archived)

when i was about

3 our next door neighbours had a pet tortoise.
whenever we went over i used to grab the poor creature and slide it around the floor making brrm brrrrm noises like it was a car. it used to curl up (or whatever you call it)and i assume that it pretended that nothing was happening.

our hamster once fell off the sofa into a glass of red wine.
the same hamster used to climb up to the top of the tall bookshelf and jump off. when it landed it made a VERY loud bang and Bob "the hamster" (sorry that should have been brackets not "these") would sit there shivering until you picked him up and stroked him.

my ex-step brother had a hamster once. problem is there were cats living in the house too. they only found its head. inside the locked cage. we think that one of the cats must have managed to get hold of part of the hamster and pull it through the bars, but the head wouldn't fit. it was left balanced on top of a pile of sawdust so it was only when my dad tried to pick it up that he found out what had happened. (served it right though, it used to bite everyone, and the cats).

(you FUCKING *BANG* BANG*BANG* AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:40, archived)

Tortoises

I won't claim this won for my own, but I have heard tale of a young gathering of siblings who enjoyed playing 'war' in the back garden. Now one of the clever little things had decided that to bury the family tortoise and place a pile of soil on top of the it would make a very realistic landmine. Indeed it looked the nuts. Then dinner was called and tortoise/landmine was forgotten for several weeks...I don't think it survived.

(Gaj, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:06, archived)

Probably

a common one but haven't time to read them all now but:

my mate ~~killed~~ murdered £60's worth of my tropical fish using stella, vinegar, salt and pepper! Twat!

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:44, archived)

Houdini vs Lazarus

My mate Woody had two hamsters that he doted on, Chip and Munk (did I mention Woody was a bit of a twat?) Anyway, Munk died and got the full ceremonial burial in the garden in an empty teabag box. Two weeks later I went round to his house to watch the Manchester derby, when Woody informed me that Chip had passed away that morning and was lying in state in his living-room cage. Naturally, the football watching was sombre until Paul Ince scored the winer for United, at which point there was a squeak from the hamster cage, and there was Chip, standing on his back legs and obviouly celebrating the magnificent goal just scored. Needless to say, Woody was delighted, even theough he was a City fan. Post-match we discussed the remarkable Lazarus display when Woody, ashen-faced, rushed out to the garden with a spade, returning some minutes later with an empty teabag box with a Munk-sized hole chewed in it. Never saw the little sod again. Perhaps he was heading for the wire?

(limeskies, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:01, archived)

mad dog

we used to have a dog that would go mad when ever the door bell went. Used to run up to the door and jump at it till it was opened etc. One day when me and my mates where bored we thought it would be a great idea to tie my dogs legs together and ring the door bell lol. I tied all 4 legs up so she couldnt move and my m8 rang the bell. My poor little dog was wimpering and rolling around on the floor trying to get up to the door :(

Then there was the time we wanted to find out if dogs land on there feet just like cats.....

(casper_uk, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:04, archived)

Death of Fishy Friend

One time when I was baby sitting with my girlyfriend for her niece, I decided i'd be a bit of a saint and clean the fishbowl out. Not only was I going to clean it, but I also decided to add a bit of landscape design so I snatched a rock from the front garden and plopped it in the fish bowl before sticking their 10 year old fishy family friend back in his home and left him to relish in his new, clean, re-sculpted home. It wasn't until later that weekend that I discovered that Fishy Fred had collapsed and snuffed it the morning after my good deed. It turned out that the front garden had just been sprayed with pesticide which led to Fred taking a turn for the worst as the chemicals led him to a slow painstaking death. Sorry Fred.

(qualitydobbers, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 15:56, archived)

our dog

once ate a golf ball... i was about 7 at the time, and found out dog squating in the back garden doing the hugest shit u have ever seen.... all 1 long bit of rubber... aparently golfballs are full of seriously long rubber

(Mutey, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:07, archived)

Re: how i abused my pet

me and my mates once won a goldfish at a fair(as you do), and we didn't want it and couldn't keep it.

We took it back but the stall operator wouldn't have it back unless something was wrong with it. So, we took it on the bouncy castle (in its bag), poured coke into the water and made it eat crushed up Cheese and Onion Crisps.

he stil woundn't take it back so we sold it to a child for a fiver.
I'm so ashamed =)

(

Laughing Boy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:02, archived)

Stunt cat

I had a very slim black and white cat named Babs (named after Miss Babs of Acorn Antiques, if anyone recalls that).
Babs and i stayed at my girlfriend's flat, there was a big bedroom we shared, big bed, lots furniture and curtains.
I would place Babs on the wardrobe, and then sit in bed while she figured out the best route down which was usually : shelf, edge of dresser mirror, then front claws into the curtains. I would test her sometimes by angling the dresser mirror, or tying back the curtains.
One time she just took a flying jump about 12 feet from the top of the wardrobe onto the middle of the bed. Damn she was so smug about that, and wouldn't do the furniture/curtain stunt any longer.
So....
A new game was needed.
This involved me sitting in bed again with a tailors tape measure. Babs would lurk under the bed, and i would cast the measure like a fishing line. Tug tug tug on the tape meant i had a catch, and i would haul Babs up onto the bed. She would of course let go of the tape and run away back under the bed as soon as i made a grab for her.
This game, 'Fishing for Cats', could go on for hours.

(Man in Japan, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:03, archived)

Did you ever try...

Making a cat dizzy. I once got slightly drunk and whilst stroking the cat with him in my arms, spun around as fast as I could for a few seconds before placing him gently back on the ground. If you try this at home, make sure there's lots of room... Chairman Miaow ran off as fast as he could - directly sideways and proceded to fall of a 10 foot ledge onto a gorse bush. He didn't let me pick him up ever again!

(

ChairmanMiaow Stop! Look! Kitten!, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:13, archived)

Things to do with cats #34

Did you know that if you wrap a newspaper around a cats body, leaving its legs free and secure it with sellotape, it can only walk sideways? Spooky.

(Turdboy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:47, archived)

more things to do with cats: the bean bag 'cat'apult

step 1: flatten all the beans out of one end of a bean bag

step 2: place a preferably sleepy cat on the flattened end

step 3: do a 'cannonball' onto the large end of the beanbag and watch your cat go flying. good idea to do this around a bed or a couch.

(retro, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 6:22, archived)

Simulacrum and verisimilitude

Once and once only, I found an aerosol can of catnip spray. I gave my cat a blast in the face and got a similar dizzy reaction as your cat. Unfortunately, no gorse bush was near, nor ledge, but it was a riot to see the stoned kitty wobble around and flop onto his face.

He didn't seem to mind at all and finished up with a nice nap.

(Seamus Andrew Murphy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:54, archived)

bikes and dogs

I grew up beside a wide river, with lots of estuary mud. One winter's day, when I was about 14, my dog Speck (ok, she was my dog, but I didn't name her, ok?) appeared from the river, covered in thick black foul-smalling crud. The tide was rising fast, but she had been wandering about in the shallows. Which was a bit strange, as she wasn't much of a water dog.

1/2 an hour later, there was enough water to give her a good wash, so I led her out to the riverbank, and threw her in. She came out clean, pissed off, and very cold.

I jumped on my bike, and got her to run up the lane beside me to get her warmed up. Of course, about 300 yards later, she ran straight across me, right under the front wheel, and gave a horrible yelp.

I went over the handlebars, and planted my face into the mud and gravel. Speck fucked off home like her arse was on fire, and I was left in a bloody tangle of limps and bicycle. After that, she never, ever, came near me when I got my bike out.

(blather http://blather.net, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:19, archived)

fish fish fish

lots of these are about fish...anyway...
my girlfriend bought some fish from a pretty crappy fish store; a private collection of a hag in a thrift shop. little tetra-type fishes. anyway, we headed to her place, and luckily she had a fish tank, so they were placed inside and much content. however, we needed a place to put them, and i suggested that a good spot would be next to the window, and in such a manner that the curtains could be pulled around the fish tank. it didn't seem to be a problem at the time....
anyway, the next morning, we awoke at about 1 pm, and to our dismay the fish were dead when we found them. i suggested we put the fish on the window so they could have natural light, but the window faced east, and the curatin blocked enough heat to trap them in a nice comfy oven, practically. so, the fish passed away after the water got too hot, being "boiled" alive. she was pissed, but we did give them a nice proper burial by dumping their bodies out the window, 5 stories up onto a patch of ivy that also contains almost anytihng known to mankind.

(denki, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:12, archived)

At home away from uni

We have 2 siamese cats, the most child like creatures ive ever know, and there nuts.

Take Suki, my crazy princess, for example. If we're in a room with the door shut and not wanting the cats in (eg, when we're trying to sleep cause they attak your hair) You hear her wailing for about 5 minutes and you know whats going to happen

......silence
*acending volume sound of running cat getting close*
BANG!!!!!!!!!
followed by desparate scratching and a clump sound before....."mew?"

She runs and leaps as high up to the shut dor as possible, desp[arate clawing to stay up which is impossible before crashing in a heap and giving a pitaful meaow in which we feel mean and let her in for about 10 seconds when we chuck her out after pouncing on my head.
Shes dont it all her life

My sisters hamster Spatz (it had white feet)lived for over 5 years which is very old for a hamster. During its life he was dropped (the day he was bourght cause she felt sorry for it), hurled across the room hitting the breakfastroom wall when my sister thought it would be funny to put him on the shoulder of my godmother who was terrified of rodents, fed everything you can imagein like chocolate caramels, cork, popcorn, escaped 3 times and farthered 7 babies. He also got this terrible cyst or something over his eye when my sister was on german exchange with the school and my mum and eye stayed up all night cleaning it to keep it open that made him live for another year.

What a guy

(

Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:41, archived)

Little fishies

Bored on a Saturday!! Five mates, a pet shop, a few quid, someone with an Oscar(Piranha thing),
Starve the oscar then pop to the pet shop and buy five of the smallest brightly coloured fish in the place, lets say blue. Your friends all get different colours. Sit round the oscar tank and plop one of each coloured fish in the tank. the last one eaten wins. this is great fun till its not hungry anymore.
You can also justify it to yourself - its natural.

(Petrolbreath, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:46, archived)

Dog

I used to rub butter on the TV turn the telly on and off repeatedly untill there was an enormous amout of static built up then call the dog to lick it off, blue flash right up its nose.

(Petrolbreath, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:22, archived)

Oh that's good!

I would've loved to have seen that. I suppose it's cruel what we do to these poor animals, but hell, we feed them regularly, right?

Really, I don't think that sort of jape is any worse than reeling from laughter after seeing a fat person fall down.

P'raps I'm a tad insensitive?

(Seamus Andrew Murphy, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:30, archived)

when i was a kid

i used to arrange a pile of cushions at the bottom of the stairs & throw my cat from the top step. the way he moved while trying to land on his feet used to make me piss myself. i tried all sort of somersaults and spin manoeuvres but he always managed it.

i was such a little fucker.

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mrRush, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:39, archived)

Not nessisarily cruel..

It was the dog that was stupid

I remember as a kid walking Tess our lovely Boxer dog with my mum and some family friends (my godparents again who i never see?!) In the park wich had a huge pond/pool thing people could swim in. My mum mentioned to her friend Camoren that she couldnt swim, she could only go walking didtance into the water. He didnt beleve her so he grabbed the poor thing and hurled her in the pool where she was obviously completely out of her depth and was bobing above the surface every so often.
After my mum screaming "your drowning my dog!" she made him go in and get her.

Same dog used to eat left overs such as mince and stuff, but she always spat out the vegetables like a kid dit, like a pea shooter.

God i miss her, shes been gon for about 10 years now :(

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Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 16:59, archived)

In telling this story, I am exposing myself to potential shame, but fuck it.

When I was a teenager, I had three pet rats. They were all white (not barrymore speak for good) so I nevewr bothered giving them names.

They were great pets (courtesy of P Farrell) and my dad had no objections to me letting them out of the cage so they could wander round our living room and my bedroom.

I had a liberal attitude to feeding them. Genrally, they ate what I ate, and drank what I drank too. They loved coffee, bear, and egg chips bacon and brown sauce. This was the start of an eating frenzy that would eventually take their lives.

When I was fifteen, my mum got me tickets to go to the big smoke to watch Phantom of the opera. The day before, the rats got into my wardrobe and ate the seams on my new "special occasion" jeans. Mildly annoying, but they seemed happy, and no harm done.

When I got back from London in the early hours, I went in my room, and rather bizarrely, in the middle of the floor was my large tube of bostick. It had been filleted along one edge (rather impressive as it was a metal tube), but there was very little glue on the floor. I also noted the rats where not in their cage, but where all looking pretty wired, hiding under the bed.

The little fuckers appeared to have eaten a whole tube of polystyrene cement.

They lived happy lives for another three months, before all developing golf ball sized tumours all over their bodies, and dying slow and painful deaths. I wonder if the two events were in anyway connected?

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Dr Nick Riviera, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:01, archived)

Had a hamster

Put towel on bed.
Place hamster in middle.
Loosely pick up towel at either end.
Pull hard.

20ft it would shoot in the air*
It lived**

*Dependent on ceiling.
**Cat ate it later. Left the tail on the railings of it's cage. Mum said she buried it. I saw her throw it in the bin.

Also made the dog eat my poo. I was very young. And dirty.

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Fronkle99, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:10, archived)

We have an African Grey parrot in the family....

...when he was younger my aunt was looking after him and decided to give him a bath....

Using Washing Up liquid.

The washed him, dried him off and put his cage in front of the fire to drive... After a while started his usual whistling and talking... Only bubbles started to come out of his noce!

He's still alive now, nearing 35 years old

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beefandcheese, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:14, archived)

he had a

drivers licence?

(Jibbed, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 4:20, archived)

hehehe

I just noticed that

He drives us round the bend with the noise he makes.

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beefandcheese, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 18:05, archived)

is an african grey....

like a norwegian blue?

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manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:47, archived)

yeah but less dead

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Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 16:15, archived)

Shrewminton

When i was a lad i used to play badminton a lot with mates in the garden.
When we lost all our shuttlecocks we tried out various other things.
As it happened, there were a number of dead shrews on the patio. The cat used to like to kill them and then leave them there.
We tried using the deceased rodents as shuttlecocks, and were pleasantly surprised by the results.
Hence, we pioneered the game of Shrewminton, which is, in my experience, a better game, due to the paranoia element of the "bodyline head shot".

(

100% Cock Raw like carrots., Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:22, archived)

My sister has a Rat

Its called Hermionie (my mum hates it)

It ate my sisters dresssing gown one night and its small for a rat. So My sister went to a pet shop to get one of those chew bloke things for her to keep her teeth down, the assistant behind the counter said it would last at least 3 weeks, but they can last for months.

At about 11pm she atctched it with wire in the cage. At 1am she was awoken buy Hermionie smacking the wire held in her mouth against the wires of the cage making one hel of a racket. It had eaten it in 2 hours.

Oh and when we were little sitting by a pond outside of a pub we were eating at, my sister spat mucus on the back of a duck, which didnt slide off...gross

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Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:32, archived)

Had a rat as well,

two in fact.

They were loose in the lounge but the mrs let the cat in. Then there was one.

The thoughtful cat at least had the decency to leave the rat's perfectly preserved pelt, complete with back legs and tail on the doorstep as a pressie.

As the ex-rat had been the favourite of the kids my ever-sensitive older brother suggested the surviving rat wear his cage-mate's coat like a jumpsuit.

(Dr Hiss, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:20, archived)

similar

I had 2 rats loose in the lounge, forgot they were in there let the ferrets in (4 at the time)
1) try and catch rats
2) get bitten by highly scared rat
3) drop rat they deserve what's coming to them for biting.
4) 2 dead rats!
Total time: about 4mins of mayhem

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:41, archived)

my brother used to have a budgie

until its final bid for freedom saw him hit a closed window and fall into a frying pan.
ruined my dinner the little bastard.

(psausage76, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:27, archived)

ooh that reminds me

not strictly on topic, but a weird experience.

I was sitting on the back doorstep having a fag break last summer. It was a beautiful clear day, blue sky, sunshine, the lot. The cat had adopted its usual "feed me" stance/mew at my feet.

A movement caught my eye and I looked up to see a thrush which had launched itself out of the apple tree half way down the garden, and which was flying up the garden at an incredible speed. I just had time to think "EEK it had better swerve/slown down or it's going to hit the..." *thud*. Bird/window interface. The sky complete with fluffy clouds was reflected beautifully in the window so it was either a very confused bird or just plain suicidal.

It lay there on the path with its neck broken, while the cat could hardly contain itself at the idea of such speedy fresh food delivery.

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weevilstepmother, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:02, archived)

in our living room at home

there is a big window out to the back garden at one end and a big mirror at t'other. sometimes birds see reflection of trees etc and try to fly through the room to the other side, most birds rebound painlessly off the window and fly away. one day something big swooped down and slammed hard into the window, the reverberation knocked a picture off the wall and we had a very artistic bird shape in blood and feathers left on the window - true story

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manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:53, archived)

more fish fish fish

just remembered...
back in the day, my mate had a snowflake eel, which ate either live feed or shrimpcake, died. well, his tank full of feeder fish he didn't want to keep, so we were discussing the best way to dispose of them. we were about 11 at the time, and upon finding out the most 'humane' way of disposing fish was to take them by the tail and smash their brains out on the table, we decided to take them out our own way. so we froze them; stuck them in a bowl with cold water and ice cubes, and then put them in the freezer. about 40 minutes later we took them out of the freezer, and there their dead bodies lay floating around, to our knowledge (at the time), dead. so we took hem to the toilet, and dumped them in. and then watched as they came back to life and started swimming around again. they had, apparently, just hibernated. well, we gave them a flush anyway, and most of them departed to the sewer beyond, but a few remained. at this time, i had to urinate, so the last batch of fish were sent down with piss.

(denki, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:36, archived)

What a

Horrible way to die (or even worse, not die)

2 Christmas's ago, my sister got me 2 gold fish. On Christmas day she droped the bowl and I managed to save them.

2 weeks lateer after a week of failed attemps, one (called yosho) committed suicide by ramming itself between a stone ornement and the side of the bowl.

Sasami I still have today at Uni who has died once but I resusitated her by giving her a massage in the sink.

When a goldfish I got from the fair died, we buried them in the garden making tiny crosses out of sticks or lollty pops. Mum had to get rid of them after a while cause we had a graveyard.

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Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:48, archived)

gold fish? wouldnt they sink?

also, you appear to be a closet tenchi muyo fan

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manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:55, archived)

one of my younger brother's mates

has a seriously fucked up little brother. He once climbed over their fence into the neighbours garden and proceded to kill their pet rabbit. With a bread knife. :/

(ChowRiit, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:54, archived)

When I was knee-high to a donkey's arss,

Myself and my mates would have water-fights in the garden. I always won as I cheated (using the water-hose and standing in the 'safe' doorway).

One day, my mate thought it would be funny to put some red dye in a water ballon, and when it turned my cloths pink, we all had a good laugh.

The next day, I wanted to get him back - so I used Dye and washing up liquid (for the bubbles). Before I could get him, he grabed the ballon from my hands, and chucked it into the nabour's garden. I then got a jug and filled that up with the same sollution. My mate chucked THAT over the fence.

It made a really big splash and sounded really cool. We soon fogot about eachother and just started chucking this red-dye sollution over the fence all day.

The following day, I woke up to some shouting "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ?!?!?!?" by a very crossed mum and dad. They lifted me out of bed, lifted me up so I could see out the window and opened up the curtains.

We didn't know about the nabours new fish in there pond, but it turns out they don't live long in washing up liquid.

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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 17:55, archived)

not a pet abuse story but relevant to above post

i was with some friends at the beach, quite young were we. we started throwing beach mud (sand and water mix) at a wave breaker wooden beach wall dealy, it made a great splat noise and we were at it for ages. got up to leave and found that the tiny holes in the wall had given the sunbathers on the other side a very interesting set of all over mud measles, we legged it before they noticed

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manolith hooray for me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:59, archived)

cats and cars

ugh, this one upsets me now that i remember it.
a friend of my parents owned this kinda old car that had some engine issues, so after coming back the hood needed to be raised to let off some heat and to add some fluids. anyway, the kitten jumped up into the engine compartment, and found a nice place to sleep and be hidden, so the owner didn't know that she was there when she closed the hood (bonnet for you english, maybe?). anyway, she started up the car and heard this horrible screeching noise along with the engine being sliggish, and thought it was the engine going funky, so gave it more gas and just revved it until it ran smoother, and then took it to the mechanics to find out what was wrong.
the kitten, woken by the engine, ran about frantically until it encountered the radiator fan, and all told when the hood opened, a mass of fur came flowing out, and the entire compartment was filled with bone, blood, guts and fur.
it's fucking horrible, that.

(denki, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:07, archived)

Train Got Fabreezed

My fluffy gray psycho cat Train had a peculiar stench to her. Since she was an outdoor cat, I figured she had rolled in a dead animal. So I pinned her to the kitchen floor and through her wails, thoroughly Febreezed her. Problem fixed.
Unfortunately, the next day she came home smelly again, and thus the cycle continued. It went on like this for a week, wailing and spraying, until my roommate pointed out that she had an oozing open sore on her hindquarters. The smell was actually her gross rotting flesh. Upon a visit to the vet, it was revealed that it was an open cancer sore that I had been dousing with Febreez for 5 days.
Awesome!

(katiel, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:08, archived)

great.

nice.
fantastic.

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_null_, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:09, archived)

Lose the pet.

Pets record your every move and send it to a team of Nigerian fraudsters.

Besides it's Febreeze. I always thought it was Fabreeze until b3ta put me straight.

(Dawn Syndrome, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:09, archived)

I thought the pets

were nigerian fraudsters?

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JustHere4Coffee remembers when all o' this were car parks, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:11, archived)

No, no, no!

They wait til you are out of your house, or are reading your bank statements. Haven't you noticed how pets tend to hang around during such times?

(Dawn Syndrome, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:13, archived)

Actually,

if they're cats, they're drilling.

(You won't get this unless you watch Eddie Izzard)

(Sher_idan, Tue 21 Oct 2003, 18:41, archived)

Awesome!

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Sunshine Elephant, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:09, archived)

I just hit myself in the balls

trying to swat a fly :(

(

wayward., Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:10, archived)

Your poor body might be sterile now.

Smoke some weed.

(Dawn Syndrome, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:14, archived)

you fool

I think you are too DUMB to own a pet. I mean febreezing a cat to start with???? TERMINALLY STUPID

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Darkedge, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:11, archived)

That is a very sad story

and even more sad to end with an awesome.
My cat has just had a burst abscess which causes a gaping hole and was very disturbing (for both me and the cat)
It was not awesome.

(

Penile, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:13, archived)

www.b3ta.com/board/2152934

(1, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:14, archived)

Duct Tape Cat

Our cat was the most lazy disobedient feline this side of London. It had a knack of knowing exactly what it shouldn't do and how to do it in a way that really pissed you off. Then do it again, and again and again.

In late last summer, it was malting and decided to start lazing on the kitchen work tops, instead of its extreeeemly luxurient over priced cat basket. The problem was that it left hair everywhere and even if you cleaned down the surfaces with Vim, it hair still made its way in to my sandwiches, or even worse prospective lovers sandwiches.... ooooh.

So after a week of shouting at it and throwing it off (neatly avoided using the verb tossing there) the surfaces, i got the arse and poured a liter of cold water over it. It just lay there with the look of 'are you finished?' and then went to go back to sleep! so i got the roll of duct tape I had just bought, and taped one of its paws to the surface. It didn't move. So I taped another one. Still not a twitch. So I then taped the other two, then its tail (both ends (and the middle))still nothing.so i got really pissed off and taped its head. there was nothing left to tape. it continued to lay there for a long time. It then realiesd it was trapped and freaked out!!! you have never seen anything like it. fuck! it managed to free itself, and in the process cured its malting problem. So theres a top tip; use duct tape instead of leg waxing strips. You might be interested to know that he didn't stop sleeping there and got the sympathy vote from the rest of the family.

(Nicky Nacky Noo... Scratch and Sniff Please, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:20, archived)

Moulting.

(goat thinks you're shit, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:10, archived)

pissed off mum

one fine boring day, when i was younger, my friend and i were dreaming up something to do...and then my cat walked by.so we got to thinking and i grabbed my cat, took a razor and shaved a bald line down his back...wasn't enuff, so we took some green food coloring and dyed the cat a nice dark green...wasn't enuff so ( and this part, in retrospect, was not very polite) we trimmed his whiskers short. Needless to say the cat wasn't impressed but we laughed our asses off. We let the cat on his way and he jumped into the house, as we wasted away on the stoop. Anyway, my mom came home from work, walked in the house and let loose a blood curdling scream - the kind of scream we all know as your death rattle...we ran into the house , and alll over the walls, about 6 inches above the floor was a horizontal green stipe where ther cat had tried to rub the food coloring off. Mom flipped out for the first time, saw the bald strip and flipped out again, picked up the cat ( thus soiling herself with green goo), flipped out again and then saw that it had teeny tiny whiskers - flip out. We spent hours scrubbing the walls ( which never came fully clean) and i couldn't sleep because the cat kept falling off things in the middle of the night.Mommy, i'm sorry.

(goorf, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:33, archived)

Gerbil Post Humous Cabaret

When 15 by Gerbil (Bartholemew) died, killed by his own brother (Reg) in an act of euthanasia (Bart was very old and on his last legs). My Gerbils being rather popular fellows (I was the only one out of all my friends to have a pet) a small service was held after school for the formal burial. After a few softly spoken words and a small bottle of cheap wine someone had managed to nick of their parents the mood was somewhat sombre it was at this point morbid curiosity set in. Carefully Bart was removed from his makeshift coffin and we all stood gorping at him. The wines was perhaps a bad idea as someone note that if you held his front legs up so it appears as if he stands on his rear legs he looked like a puppet. After discussing the idea Bart's corpse was indigyfied as we made it dance the can can, sing Baggy Trousers and even make an attempt an YMCA all whilst we giggled insanely.

I had brought Reg down to watch, and, so taken was he by the proceedings, he suffered a massive heart attack so too was commended to the earth, but only after a round of Kung Fu Charlie (Reg won, he was in better condition).

Also we used to keep Guinea Pigs (their hutches were in out garage cos we never used it), one of which made its bid for freedom one night and made it as far as our driveway, unfortunately it was at the same time my brother was cycling back from the pub on his new race bike. Being slightly inebriated and it being dark he didn't see the aforementioned Guinea Pig and ran it over. The image is made all the more gruesome by the fact that the racing bike had very thin wheels which had virtually cut the little blighter in two. Suffice to say it wasn't very Steve McQueen.

(aorlowski, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:25, archived)

Right, let me see...

We used to keep tropical fish. My little brother, who was a wee toddler at the time, obviously decided they weren't educated enough, so he dropped some of his books into the tank. No damage done to the fish or the books (being of either the cloth or the thick board variety) so he got a little ticking off and all was well again. Sadly, the next time he did it he used his favourite book - one of those that emits sounds when you press the buttons at the side. Battery powered. Fried fish.

Once, many years ago, I had to look after my next door neighbours gerbils. They stayed in their cage at the end of my bed for most of the week, until I decided that they smelt disgusting. Being the sensible little girl I was, I treated them to a deep bath and rubbed them down with my favourite shampoo and conditioner, then gave them a blow dry with my lovely duck hairdryer. They sat in the corner of the cage looking traumatised until they went home again.

Finally, at the beginning of this year, our hamster passed away. It was a shame, seeing as I had only really bonded with it within the previous couple of months (it had bitten me the first time I'd attempted to handle it, so I avoided him for the best part of two years). I was alone in the house, and despite being upset, I decided it would be best if I moved him into a box ready for burial, as it would probably upset my little brother even more to find him lying prostrate on the floor of the cage. The hamster was covered in it's own piss that it had expelled at the time of death, so being a tad squeamish, I decided to handle it with a rubber glove. Trying to pick the thing up, I felt it squirm! So, having dropped it back into the cage in horror, I debated what to do. Was it still alive? For the next couple of hours I sat watching it, occasionally poking it with a chopstick, to see if it had truly snuffed it. Each time it's little paws moved. Eventually I plucked up the courage to touch it with my bare hands, and found him to be stone cold, thus leading me to the conclusion he really was dead. Fortunately, my dad came home at this point to verify this and put him into the little box coffin I had prepared (complete with name plaque!) and dug a nice deep hole for us to bury him in.
We waited for my little brother to come home from school before we buried him. Afterwards, I told him the whole horrible story and he laughed so much he nearly pissed himself, thus proving I could have avoided the whole horrible mess by leaving the damn hamster in the cage in the first place.

(

useful_idiot, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:46, archived)

my sister

had a duck hairdryer

(Jibbed, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 5:48, archived)

Ant Farm

I once had an ant farm. Our house has an unfortunate moth problem, so my mother bought a can of random fly killing shit. The ants were writhing in agony for DAYS before they died :D

also, i kept my fish alive for 2 years (in agony) with alcohol :D it could barely swim

(god, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 20:12, archived)

Sometime is doesn't pay to follow directions

One day many years ago my mom decided it was time to have our cute little kitten treated for worms. Since the vet was also a good friend of the family, he gave us a free sample of some worm medication that a drug rep had left with him. He also gave my mom specific directions on the proper dosage for our kitten.

It's important to note that since we lived in an extremely rural area, his primary practice was treating large animals like cattle, horses, etc.

Anyway, my mom didn't get around to giving the kitten the medicine until the next day, and by that time she had forgot what the vet told her, so she just read the label and followed the directions.

Everything seemed fine until she noticed a stench coming from the direction of the litter box. Upon closer inspection, she sees that our cute little kitten has shit a greenish stripe out the back of the box and about 3 feet up the wall directly behind it.

She was understandably concerned by this and called the vet and told him the story. He started laughing his ass off when she got to the part about following the directions on the label, and explained to her that worm medicine for cats and cattle is basically the same thing, more or less an atomic laxative, and you just adjust the dosage based on the weight of the animal.

The recommended dosage on the tube was for a calf, not a cat. She had given our cute little kitten about 100 times the recommended dose.

Well, the kitten survived, although her poor little bunghole went from an 'innie' to an 'outie' for a couple of weeks.
She ran away (the kitten, not my mom) the first chance she got. Can't say that I blame her.

(The man who's been to Slapout Oklahoma but then who hasn't?, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 20:27, archived)

My cats

I have 2
Tommy and Jerry
In the summer they liked me walking around the garden with a toy mouse attached to a piece of string
One day Tommy was getting ready to pounce on the toy mouse, missed and collided head first with a large flower tub we have in the middle of the garden
He just shook his head and gave me evil looks until I gave him some tuna fish

Also...Animals that abuse themselves
My nan has a cockatiel that masturbates on his perch

(Boss Mew Covfefe does not bargain...it only covfefes., Wed 15 Oct 2003, 20:55, archived)

Cockatiels rule!

We inherited a cockatiel off my Great Grandad who used to whack his walking stick against the cage when it made noise. When I came to hoover one day, I plugged it in, the hoover that is, and the bird had a heart attack. We gave it artificial respiration, but sadly to no avail.
We then got love birds but they ate the covering to all the electrical wires so worried there might be a fire risk, we swopped them for a baby cockatiel, which we fondly named named stupid at it keeps flying into the window if the curtains are left open.
Also my i won an ex a goldfish, which I christened metz and poured a bottle of Metz (duh) into the tank. After 3 months it had grown huge fan like fins and lived for about 2 years!
And my first pets where Albino gerbils, which died when we left them out in the sunshine one day and their water turned green.

(Acidsplash, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 21:06, archived)

just found this

www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=3610919

(

cheesemaster a screaming naked asian man driving a semi, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 21:20, archived)

My friend, when she was a little girl,

took her goldfish out of the bowl and put it on top of the piano as she played to 'watch it dance'

(

MartinH, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 21:23, archived)

I sent my hamster down the garden slide

in the garden, thinking it would be fun for poor little Hammy. Two days later he had a stroke and died. He was 3 1/2 though.

(

caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:05, archived)

Can't hope to match the level of psychosis in some of these posts but...

E for cats? My sister's given me some scented soap. Dunno what's in it but it's driven my cat mental. He steals my flannel and lies on the floor cuddling it and rubbing his cheek against it. It's sort of sweet really, he's so happy. Can't imagine they'd put catnip in soap for humans, so maybe it's valerian or civet glands or something.

Oh, and I gave my sister one of those cuddly toy rugs when my niece was born - you know those things, like tigerskin rugs made from skinned teddy bears? She had to give it away because every time her cat got at it he'd rape its head. Maniac sex beast. He used to try raping human feet under the bedclothes if he got a chance, too. Kicking him didn't put him off either, however hard you did it.

(psycho_smiley, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:09, archived)

my dog has eaten

the corner of the wall in our hall, a box of nurofen, a HUGE bar of dairy milk, my nan's sandwiches (she's a bit slow) and some coal. idiot.

(iwantacone, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 22:13, archived)

My hamster died rather unfortunately..

I kept the cage on top of my wardrobe, I hadn't seen him for a while and assumed he was hibernating or something (I was 14).

Turned out he'd fallen down the back of the wardrobe and got jammed there.. I think I found him about 2 months later. The worst part is that I didn't think 'How sad', I just thought 'Ut oh.. that's not good.'

(kna has forgotten everything., Wed 15 Oct 2003, 23:06, archived)

I turned my cowardly budgie Nigel......

into a killing machine. How? Regularly I would swish a tea towel or piece of kitchen roll really low over the top of his cage giving off the impression that it was a large bird of prey trying to get themselves a piece of prime budgerigar. I'd often swoop my hand down over him aswell as if I was going to give it a HUGE clip round his budgie ears.
Through lack of sleep fearing the next attack, Nigel became a rather touchy budgie. He used the cuttlefish to make his beak razor sharp, and trying to put seed in his feeders regularly resulted in bleeding hands.
So the monster I created now started to piss me off. My abuse increased tenfold. One day he was looking a bit out of breathe in his cage. I thought it was because the kitchen was rather warm due to things cooking in the oven, or that he'd been jumping round his cage. Sadly not, it would seem Nigels heart was playing up. One final swoop over his feathery bonce and he just fell off his perch, and landed spread eagled across the bottom of the cage, never to be annoyed by me again.

I liked him really

:'¬(

(

Mozer, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 23:37, archived)

Hamster Hoover

OK ... I think I have a winner here ... ;)

We used to have a russian dwarf hamster ... In a rotastak system ... With load of external tubing ... Which the hamster used to store food in ...

So the food never went bad... My wife used to hoover out the tubing every so often ...

One day ... Whilst hoovering out the tubing, the hamster decides to poke its head out of it's bedding home ...

Imagine it's surprise when it was sucked down the tubing into the hoover ...

I received a distrught phone call at work, from my wife, to let me know what had happened ...

She had open the hoover to find the hamster still alive & had phoned the vets ... They had told her to bring it down instantly ...

When she arrived the person on the desk, trying to stop laffing, just pointed, for the vets benefit, to the hamster trying explain what had happened ...

The hamster survived the hoover tube journey ... But died at an early age ... :(

BSK :D

(bluescreenkid, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 23:39, archived)

boil in the tank fish

i was recently looking after my sisters goldfish and broke the tank filter. trying to fix it i messed around with what i thought must be some thing to do with the filter mecanism but was actually the temperature regulator. anyway, i thought i'd sorted the tank out till three days later i found the fish floating upside down in a tank of hot water. i can only assume the cold water fish were slowly cooked alive. ooops.

(etvald, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 23:43, archived)

Re: hoover hamster

This reminds me of a true story that I was told many years ago.
I had a pal work for the gas board. He got a call out to a suspected gas explosion at a residential house. When he got there the only damage he could see was a smashed front door and a burnt out vacuum cleaner in the middle of the garden. Transpired that the lady of the house was vacuuming the hallway and a mouse ran across the floor and was sucked up into the cleaner. She was freaked somewhat and worried that the mouse was dying an awful death inside the machine. So she thought she'd better put it out of its misery and make sure it was dead. She took a cannister of camping gas, broke the nozzle and pumped the contents into the dustbag.
Then deciding the mouse must be dead by now she decided to carry on vacuuming the floor and switched on the machine....erm hang on the machine is full of gas.
Boom, the vacuum cleaner shot thru the hall, smashing thru the front door to land in a smoking heap in the garden.
My pal nearly wet himself laughing when he found out what happened.
He also has an interesting story about an explosion at a chicken shed, but maybe another time for that one *g*

(funnybunny, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 1:46, archived)

New, from Findus, Micro-Fish!

About five years ago my old classmate came in and told me his brother had killed his sister's goldfish the night before. They were sitting in the sitting room watching tv, while his brother was arsing about in the kitchen. apparently so bored that he came to wondering what would happen if he microwaved the fish bowl for a few seconds.

so he popped the bowl in, with the two fish swimming about and turned it on. while he was waiting, something more important came up. coronation street aparently. so he leaves the kitchen, forgetting something. about half an hour later, the microwave bings.
oops.
most of the water in the bowl had boiled out, and the fish were like plastic.
the best he could manage was "I was going to take them out after a few seconds, honest"

(Nervie, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 23:43, archived)

Labradors

We used to have a labrador that was soft as anything, but had two pet hates. Mopeds and Skateboards. If it heard either it would turn into the snapping snarling hound from hell

(Tinky winky has an AK47, Wed 15 Oct 2003, 23:58, archived)

One comment

EXPENSIVE tropical fish don't get drunk on vodka....they DIE!

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Generationgav, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 0:30, archived)

Well...

The ex wife and I used to have this HUGE Saltwater aquarium. We had all manner of invertebrates and the whole 9 yards.

My ex used to love sea anemonies and so I got her two of them. I was quite new to the whole experience and thought that I had to leave the light on the tank all of the time. The poor anemonies started to do ANYTHING to get out of this beaming 160 watt sunlight bulb. They first tried burying themselves deep within the coral rocks.

No go.

Then they tried actually escaping the tank.

Nope.

Then one day after much cluelessness on my part I came home to find them both dead from the blades of the water filter. They had BOTH crawled up the tube and been summarily chopped to death. Bits of bloody anemonies swirling around the tank.

The cleaner shrimp just stared at me with unforgiving eyes, as they ate their dead compatriates remains.

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Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 0:46, archived)

were you

a storywriter for 'Finding Nemo'?

If not i'd sue!

(Bommer remembered to log in, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 2:22, archived)

How I abused my pet

2 stories (ok i was clumsy with pets)
I accidentally boiled a whole tank full of tropical fish, by putting them in a smaller tank in another room while I decorated, and not adjusting the heater :(

Then I squished a pet white mouse by dropping a rock onto it.
I built a run in the garden for them with rock tunnels etc. a mouse went in and didnt come out so I lifted the rock and there was a huge spider, I screamed and dropped the rock, and squish.
I cried for days
But my parents had a feud with the neighbours and threw the squished mouse into their garden.
Unfair as I wanted to bury it with full honours.

(funnybunny, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 1:11, archived)

How I killed my mouse

My brother used to go hiking in the woods. Once he brought home a tiny mouse. He said he had stepped on the nest while hiking and had killed the mom but he brought this baby one home to me. I had owned numerous pet mice but never a wild one. This mouse was immediately tame and I called her "Combis". The name was short for "Your comb is on the ground". She was really an amazingly sweet mousie. I had no idea that a "wild" mouse could be so instantly tamed. One night I went to bed and realized I had neglected to feed Combis. Without turning on the light, I opened her cage and put some seed in her dish and then closed the cage door and latched it. In the morning, when I got up, I saw that she had tried to exit through the door just as I had closed and latched it upon her neck. She was dead.

(Grisly_Remains, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 2:39, archived)

My budgie

decided it liked playing with the tape from an old audio cassette, so I unscrewed the casing and took the reel out. One day it was messing around with the tape when it got in a frenzy and took off. The tape had got caught around its foot, and as it flew away my sister caught the reel and sent it circling around her head like one of those toy planes. Eventually wore itself out and came to a skidding halt on the floor, a bit dazed but ok.

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NomDePlume fo shizzle my nizzle old bean, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 3:02, archived)

I was a horrible child

When I was young (probably about 4 or 5), my sister's cat had kittens. Well, she had kittens all the time, but I remember this litter in particular.

I remember that me and my mate found pleasure in throwing them at the wall and watching them slide behind my bed. Then we'd pick them up and do it again. We did this until my sister caught us in the act. That boy was never again allowed in my house.

Strangely enough, all of those kittens lived.

(futile, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 4:01, archived)

Actually, I have a couple more...

These were my favorite stories when I was little...

When my mother was about 12 years old, she got a pony. She had been begging for a pony for years. It was a little black Shetland. She named it Blackie.

Well, it turns out this pony was actually a demon war-horse sent from the depths of hell to try to kill my mother and anyone else that dared try to ride it.

It would do anything it could to throw its rider. It would buck, and rub its back against trees. It went so far as to throw itself into the creek and roll around, thrashing wildly, until it managed to kill or otherwise maim whomever was riding it.

My mother knew this other very bitchy 11-year-old. Her name was Lisa or Lucy or something like that. Now this girl decided that she wanted to ride Blackie. My mother tried to warn her, telling her it was not a very good idea, but my mother's parents forced her to comply. As you would expect, the instant "Lucy" mounted Blackie, it shot off into the woods. At some point it managed to throw Lucy and break her foot. Then it proceeded to eat her shoe. Don't ask me how it did this.

In addition to eating Lucy's shoe, Blackie also ate 13 frozen peach pies and a hamburger. As you can imagine, it was often throwing up whatever it has previously ingested.

I suppose you can take this as a warning to little girls: Be careful what you wish for

(futile, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 4:12, archived)

Horses are incapable of vomitting

This is why they die of indigestion.

(Grisly_Remains, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 2:59, archived)

I don't know if it counts but...

I used to have a hamster that was born missing a leg, so she used to hobble around everywhere and nibble on her remaining back leg until it was bald. She also chewed the hair off of the stump of a leg that was missing, plus she was blind and pretty much deaf. So we named her Tripod--for obvious reasons. Anyways, we kept Tripod in a hamster cage with my brother's hamster--Dopey (like master like rodent), who was an able-bodied hamster. Poor crippled Tripod would trod around on the wheel for a while, and then Dopey (being the hyperactive hamster she was) would jump on the wheel and run as fast as it could--hurling Tripod across the cage until she hit the cage wall. We would sit there and watch this for hours--I feel bad now that she's died, though (just last week). I'm out of town--so my family froze her body in a tupperware case and put her in the fridge so we can bury her later. Sad stuff =(

(-Ironic Ferret-, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 4:36, archived)

cryohamster

didnt they do the same thing to walt disney?

(littlebootshorse, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:39, archived)

thanks mystery bob

i don't remember this but my mum swears its true
when i was a kid my dad bought a tortoise and to stop it escaping he wanted to attach a string so he drilled a hole in its shell!!!

(bigdogs, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 6:40, archived)

that was common practice until

flymos became popular, with hilarious results!!

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 14:15, archived)

We took the direct option

and just cut the fucker's legs off. Made a great doorstop.

(mentalageofseven, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 0:22, archived)

i had a pet cheetah a while back,

and while taking it for a walk, i accidentally dropped it down a mineshaft.
We have lots of them just scattered across the place here in Wales see.
Anyway, i tried to use a fishing line and rod and stuff to get the poor blighter out.
Didn't work.
For all I know he's still down there.

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Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 6:43, archived)

I used to have this rat.

For fun, I'd launch it by putting it on my bedsheets between my knees then very rapidly pulling the sheets. Launching it. 8 feet in the air. Poor little sod. It was all fun and games until it hit my wall and fell behind my desk. Hell, it was all fun and games even after that.

(Digitdean: Disappointing Fans Since 1989!, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 6:46, archived)

My Freind Narelle...

put her cat Gizzmo in the dryer at the age of 7. The cat came out all fluffy, and when it walked it looked like it was a drunk mop walking around in circles.

100% TRUE

(MissieMissie, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 7:09, archived)

We used to play a game with our dogs...

When we were children.

You take a female Jack Russel and hold her at the top of the stairs.

You then try to get an over-excited male Jack Russel to run up the stairs to her.

The sight of such a short legged dog with his 'red lipstick' out, trying to run up a steep flight of stairs, can only be described as madly hilarious, when you're eleven.

(Troncmaster, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:04, archived)

its still funny

even when your eleven thrice

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Pee-Bob, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:49, archived)

Colin:'(

this is a devastating story -
One of my many fish Colin, got fin rot, and was swimming on his side pathetically for weeks, and also couldnt reach any of the food that was floating on the top or at the bottom of the pond. One of his fins was completely rotted away, and he was nearly dead, but (and I believe the chances are about 1,000,000 to 1) he survived. And was just getting better when he was sucked up by the filter pump, horribly mutilated and electrocuted, and spat out onto the lawn in 3 main bits, where he received an "organic" burial ie was ripped to shreds by pigeons and the odd heron. :'(

(Caligula, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:20, archived)

hmm

not really cruelty but a hilariously depressing story about how i lost one of my best (only?) friends. Oh well, plenty more catfish/koi crossbreeds in the cloister pond.

(Caligula, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:22, archived)

friend's dog LOVED to play fetch

This dog, some sort of retriever, was absolutely mental about playing fetch. If there was anything fetchable in the area and there were people around, the dog would not rest until you either played fetch or put it outside.

What was worse was what happened if you played fetch: it wouldn't stop. It would chase after the ball at absolute full velocity and return it the same, demanding you throw it again immediately. After a few dozen throws the dog would be sucking air fiercly, but still just as determined to fetch. We were all convinced it would chase a ball off of a cliff.

Of course we never did that, as that would be awful, but we did notice that when we threw the ball near the yard's wooden fence the dog would crash into the fence in its craze to get to the ball as fast as possible. So, then, the game became figuring how just how to throw the ball so that the dog would crash into the fence with the most force. Not too much of a story, I know, but man she hit that fence HARD.

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Pee-Bob, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:47, archived)

my grandads dog...

would make a hell of a mess of his lawn, shat everywhere. it loved to play fetch too. if the lawn was dry, he would nimbly (is that a word?) avoid the dog-eggs that he had deposited, if the grass was wet however, you could throw in such a way as to make him skid through his crap. then you go inside and leave a shit-covered dog . that'll learn him

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manolith hooray for me, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 11:41, archived)

cat video

i dunno where this video is, or if anybody has already posted about this (didn't have time to read full list, although halfway is funny enough), but i was looking for jackass videos from kazaa, and in the process downloaded this funny video of a cat that's sitting on a bed. all of a sudden, some guy pops out at the cat and the cat jumps off the bed and... straight into a wall. so funny too, because it tries to climb back up the wall for the half-second before it goes down.

(goggle:co, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:51, archived)

ive seen the same sort of thing

but its this cat that jumps up from a bed onto a ceiling fan, proceeds to spin round at great speed while attached by a claw and then flung into a wall at some speed. Tres Drole

(monsta, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 16:41, archived)

ah... hilarity.

um. ok? lol...

(goggle:co, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 3:30, archived)

not sure if this is abuse...

i had a guinea pig, my brother had a rabbit. we kept them in the same run. until we came down one morning to find that the guinea pig had died of internal heamoraging during one of skippy's more advanced attempts to make guinearabbits and he was still humping the corpse.

(littlebootshorse, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 8:56, archived)

Dude...

Necrophiliac rabbits!
Hoorah!

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PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Thu 16 Oct 2003, 10:19, archived)

we gave him to a childrens home

but we removed the guineapig first

(littlebootshorse, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:35, archived)

Dirty Pussy

I lived on a Kibbutz for 3 years and had to work as a gardner for a few months in the boiling middle eastern heat, I remember a gleaming white fluffy cat walking between my legs and purring as I worked hard, this frustrated me in the hot sun and it wouldnt leave, it was almost as if it were saying, "Look at you working your butt off digging and planting in the earth whilst Im just a cat that lazies around all day doing nothing"

So with my filthy muddy gardners hands I bent down and happily stroked the purring unsuspecting cat smearing it with the mud all over it's fur. Thinking to myself "That'll teach you for being a cat"........ I dont know why but I got such satisfaction from doing that, Perhaps it's because I prefer dogs

(confectionery girl, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 9:03, archived)

Cruel to be kind

A couple of yearsago I inherited two rats from an old flatmate, unforutnately after only a few days Henry had some sort of stroke and lost hte use of his legs, after watching him drag/wriggle himself around the cage for 2 weeks, I finally got up the ocurage to put him in a carrier bag, and stove its head in with a brick. Not very nice but then again it didn't cost me £20 for a trip to the vets either. I ended up giving the other rat away to a young family who had plans to turn it inot Stud No 1 on a farm in Surrey. I like to think he was very happy in his twilight months.

(DrinkatMoes, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 9:23, archived)

Goat suicide

I come from the Far North of Scotland, where the RAF like to do a lot of their low flying exercises. A teacher at school was apparently involved in a campaign against these exercises, but I only found out recently what he had against them.

Turns out he lived in a house whose back garden ended at a cliff. Instead of getting a lawn mower, he had a few goats to take care of the grass*. And to stop the goats from wandering off, he had them tethered to a post.

One afternoon, he came back from school, the story goes, to find the goats had run off the edge of this cliff and hung themselves. Presumably they'd been frightened by a low-flying jet, panicked and... well, there ya go.

He should have started a campaign against ropes that are too long.

*Any rumours that the goats took care of any other needs are entirely untrue. But funny

(weedom, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 9:54, archived)

The poor dog!!

Having been invited to sunday lunch with the new girlfriends parents one summers day, I was, naturally on my best behaviour. Having been told not to feed the dog anything, as it had colitis (bowel desease) I naturally did my best to conform to this. After lunch, i was sitting in the garden with my ice cream when, must to my disappointment, the top half of the "chocolate feast" fell to the floor, only to be gobbled up by the dog. I kept quiet and we left shortly after. Later, the dog began to vomit, and, unbeknown to me, was taken on the Monday to the vets. The vet deciding that the poor beast had taken a turn for the worst, was put down. Ouch!!

(NorfolkSteve, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 10:13, archived)

The vet was put down?

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monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 12:49, archived)

My Mates Alsatian...

...used to chase Sheep for plessure. It was to stupid to actually catch them (luckily) any way a farmer got rather pissed at this and decided to press charges, hence my mates criminal record includes a charge of "Sheep Worrying"! At least thats the reason he gives...

(NippleTweaka, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 10:33, archived)

I had just gotten my kitten

and i was petting her, I had her in my arms walking up the stairs when all of a sudden that cat freaked out and jumped out of my hands, Creamy crapped all over my good white shirt and fell down the stairs.

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tolin its me, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 10:36, archived)

Another of my sisters antics

(Shes 20 now)
About 3 years ago, My sister crept into her room to find one of our siamiese cats (Kushca this time) sitting quietly on her sofa bed thing with its back to her. She thought it would be funny to creep up and scare him so she did and he leaped a few feet in the air as usuall, but in this case crapping all over the joint, over her, the sofa and everywhere.

I still remember the screaming...

Oh, and my Friends Guinea Pig had babies yesterday! Im gonna see them this weekend

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Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:51, archived)

poor Russian spelling :(

ah is that how you spell it? One of mine is called Koshka but I guess she'll have spelling identity crisis now?

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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:01, archived)

Congratulations,

you just made me snort snot all down my face :D

(FoetalYouth, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 22:17, archived)

Why has everyone abused hamsters?

When I was younger, at a mates house, I was playing on his computer, when he put his pet hamster on my shoulder. Not realising what it was I instincitvely grabbed it and threw it across the room.

It hit that wall and bounced down onto his bed. Were it lay, looking sheepish (or concussed).

(Psychotic Mongoose, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 11:55, archived)

had a hamster that abused itself - it used to hang off the roof of its cage and swing to and fro. then it died of a heart attack.
Still reckon it was my (then 14 year old) sister's fault for feeding the bloody thing too much chocolate.

(mentalageofseven, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 0:40, archived)

weird greg

i had a friend called greg (he was weird) that liked to eat the hamster chocolate treats i had. he always said that hamster food was delicious. so i put hamster poo in his crisps. what? it was hamster food once!

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manolith hooray for me, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 11:47, archived)

chasing rabbits

My ex-wife's family had a sheepdog cross that used to chase rabbits - until they took it walking along the cliff tops near to where they were living. I'm sure the last thought going through the dog's head was "I've nearly caught that rabbit - oh, I'm flying". Apparently it sailed quite majestically over the edge and did the comedy flapping the legs thing for about 10 seconds. Sadly, it was unlike Wile E Coyote and didn't bounce back...

Years ago my mother used to live in the country and had a black labrador. I was chopping wood for the fire and the dog saw a mouse and ran directly under the axe as I swung it down to cut up some kindling. Bosh. Amazingly there wasn't a scratch on its head and it just looked up at me in it's usual stupid way and carried on as usual. I used to also feed it very sticky toffees and time how long it took before he could bark again. He got his revenge by eating my pet guinea pig one day.

I also confess to the tights on head routine with my old shetland sheepdog. He would run backwards round the room shaking his head until he clawed it off and then look at me with that look of "do it again please!". At least that's how I interpreted it. Serves him right for barking at every electrical appliance in the house when they were switched on.

And... years ago my Dad ran over a pheasant and chucked it in the boot of his car to give to the butcher to pluck for him. When he got there he opened the boot and the thing flew out - and if you've ever heard the noise these things make you'll picture the sight of my Dad staggering about with a near coronary.

Oh, and this morning there was a signet sitting in the fast lane of the M3. It nearly became a nice hood ornament for my car.

(plankton, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 12:18, archived)

My ex was looking after a dog for a relative

and left it alone in the kitchen with a cooling deep fat frier. The oil was evidently no longer hot, and the dog pulled the thing on the floor, presumably by the mains cord, and lapped up the entire contents (several litres of oil). She was then discovered looking a little sorry for herself, and was brought outside, and squeezed gently, which made her sick up all this oil. The dog died the next day.

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Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:20, archived)

having four cats

I am used to devising new and unusual ways of winding them up.

one of the cats likes chasing torch beams, resulting in this:-

(which has since been photoshopped to include an ammo belt and samurai sword, which i've mislaid at this moment in time)

* don't leave open bags of catnip drops around - you tend to come home and find your cats spazzed out rolling around in their own drool having consumed the entire aforementioned bag

* don't let cats sit on packing tape you just ripped off packaging - they run around like the clappers trailling sticky tape that's stuck to its arse

* locking the cat flap, or setting to only allow in, or only allow out makes very confused cats

* cats love albas oil. no wait, they don't. opened a bottle of it, shoved it in front of the cat in the above picture. it took a huge sniff off it, then 2 seconds later literally jumped 3 feet in the air, then ran off at high speed. didn't see it for 3 or 4 hours after that

* lastly, don't make your extremely timid cat scared in any way. mine did a backflip off my girlfriend's face once. fact.

i thought it was funny anyway.

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Biscuitzs -.. . -- ----- ...- -.- --. -.-, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:32, archived)

Is harming goldfish creatively ok?

If so, my sister is crazy. she has a positively Andrewly FILTHY fishtank. it once housed a cheap pond fish, with copious traces of alchohol, and hockey-stick juice inside their bloodstream. Poor little fishies. one had fishy cardiac arrest , we had tiny defrillabrators( double-A button batteries) , but to no avail. The fashionably late Gilly went down the shitter. The next one, Sir Gillyanius Teenybopper slooppoop Gingerbeer hairlong greeny OceanGills. (Gillz) was a victim of moth attack. The big super-hot lightbulb attracted them, but the Bulb is a fickle mistress. They were literally , out with a bang. well, more a *wheeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzz KAPOW!*.
The burnt moth bits fell into the tank, and were eaten by Gillz. What a freakin' dumb fish. Whatever is in the moths poisoned Gillz. He was buried in state, (wrapped in a tissue, thrown down the shitter) .

Strangely mom let her have a CAT. yes, a murderous ugly beast of terror who was brought FROM hell in a handbasket. What a moronic little beast he was, creatively named "Cat". He pooped in my sock drawer . Until i found his weakness. Catnip! I bought both a Catnip spray, and catnip flakes. first, i sprayed the aresol can in his face. the (stoned) cat flipped out, and scratched up his own face to get at it. Then with the flakes, i dropped them to him, one by one. Then, to my mistake, they flew into the fishtank. Stupid stoned cat. Jumped in, and stayed until (three days later) he came to his senses, and with a catnip hangover, had a MASSIVE shit on the rug. Bad enough?

(number 27-hunter, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 20:26, archived)

(Corn Dog, Sun 19 Oct 2003, 0:06, archived)

Me and my brother

used to have Kamikaze goldfish - they had a tank with a hole in the top so we could fed them and they used to jump out of the top for sonme bizarre reason...

thats all

(The great and powerful P-nut, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 13:50, archived)

'A friend' used to

put his cat in an empty duvet cover, then run up and down the stairs dragging the cover behind him. He also had one of those multi-function torches with a flashing light and siren for alerting traffic in times of vehicular peril. The cat would be placed into an empty draw with the torch set to strobe, siren on. The draw would then be shut. Schroedinger's cat theory was instantly disproved. God bless scientific investigation.

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AngryDave requiring lawyers, guns and money since, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 14:09, archived)

involutary airborne feline

One of my cats likes hiding in paper bags - cue inevitable result, wifey walking across bedroom, large paper bag in way, removes said bag with good, solid kick .... :) cat not best impressed .........

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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 14:27, archived)

dads cat

this didnt actualy happen to me, but to my dad, and i was lucky enough to witness the whole thing. now you have to understand that dad's as blind as a bat. litteraly. cant see a thing. 100% blind. so one day he goes into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich, feels around in the fridge for what he needs, takes it out, closes the fridge makes his sandwich and then comes back into the livingroom to sit down and eat it. after a while we start hearing a fant mewing and couldnt figure out where it's coming from. after a while of listening and moving around and moving our heads in all sorts of comical directions we finialy found that the cat had crawled into the fridge and got shut inside. let it out about as cold as a popsicle, but she never went poking around the fridge for free scraps again

(Mynd, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 14:25, archived)

Jacking off a Russell......

Used to have this mental jack russell called Squijet who went mental around anything that moved.

To calm him down we used to push his back down so his belly would be on the carpet and slide him quickly backwards and forwards. Then we would quickly run out the room and shut the sitting room door (with see-through panels) and see the dog scampering up and on his back legs trying to getting out the door....

...he would then proceed to 'spurt his yogurt' onto the clear panel...

....like I said, not proud.

(Flawed, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 14:34, archived)

dads bird

this is another one involving one of dads pets. a few years after the cat he got himself a cockateal, and what many people dont know is that these birds can actualy learn how to speak with enough repitition. most of the time they dont say anything intelligent, but this time the bird left us rolling in our seats.
now as most kids do when the 'rents go out of the house, is running around doing all the stuff that'll get'em in trouble. my brother and i where fond of using foul language when mom and dad weren't there. well, dad has some more food this day, and the bird is squacking and flapping around in his cage for a nibble. needless to say this was not something the bird needed to have, so he didnt get any. dad finished his snack and puts the bowl in the kitchen, and goes up to the cage to take to the bird. the following exchance happened
dad: there, now it wasnt so bad that you didnt get some of my food. was it? youre ok. who's my good birdy? im a good bird... im a good bird.
bird: (clearest thing the bird EVER said) F*CK YOU!
dad: WHO TAUGHT YOU TO SAY THAT!

(Mynd, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 14:31, archived)

about 22yrs ago

I was about 7 at the time my mum was doing the washing one day and forgot my dads shirt so proceeded to go up stairs and get it got back down threw the shirt in and started the cycle, how ever long later she went to empty the machine and pulled out a stone dead 7 or 8 week old kitten my sister had got for her birthday a week previous.
She couldn't bring herself to tell us for at least a week and we had my dad climbing trees and putting up 'lost' signs etc until she told us. when she did
all I could say was: what am I going to tell my friends!
all dad said was: at least it was clean!!

More recently a similar thing happened to a friend of mums except it was a tumble drier - the owners had to throw the machine away as the cat had virtually disintegrated inside..

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 15:26, archived)

how come

no one ever does that with there baby?

(Leroy_slade, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 22:22, archived)

She didn't do it on purpose

the kitten just jumped in whilst she wasn't looking, anyone who leaves a baby near the washing machine while there not there doesn't deserve to have fuckin kids

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 11:10, archived)

I was always

very lovely to my pets, but my mate Fisky, when he was 6, had a hamster. The first winter they had it, it naturally went into hibernation. Now Fisky was a rather bright lad, and upon learning that the hamster was hibernating because he was too cold decided that he needed some warming up. Unfortunately, he didn't have the patience to match his intellect, so he popped him in the microwave to get him up to temperature as quickly as possible.
Some shortish time later, he came back to find that his hamster was indeed warm. Dead warm. The poor little thing had boiled to death in the microwave. He now does a mean impression of a bullfrog

(

atomboy, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 15:31, archived)

Not really pet abuse but....

(carrying on the hamster theme) when i was about five i had a lovely little hamster called peach who bizzzarely had started to nibble at its own neck from time to time.We thought nothing of and thought it quite a cute little quirk, until one morning we came down to discover that it had bitten through it's own throat. I was never sure if this suicide was a slight on our own treatment of her or not, but according to vet friend of mine it's quite a common occurance when hamsters have infections in that area and the owners are too pikey/lazy/uncaring to seek help... I've felt guilty to this day

(fattybigcheeks, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 15:43, archived)

Well,

I was quite a horrid animal abusing child, I think because of the power I had over it, (maybe this was because I was bullied a lot when I was younger, I dunno). Well, my friend's cat had just had some kittens, and I decided to see if they would land on their feet like their parents. So dropped one out of a 2nd storey window.

Needless to say it didn't survive.
It didn't land on it's feet either. My friend's family thought the kitten had just fallen. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

Also, when I was younger I used to frequently remove our fish from the tank and watch them nearly suffocate then put them back in. My family always wondered why the fish never lasted a month.

When I was about 8, my mate nicked a roman candle from some shop, and thought it would be a good idea to strap it to a cat.
Obviously not his cat, a stray cat, and we never found out what happened to it after it ran off like the clappers into the distance, the last thing known of it was the huge bang of the firework.

This one wasn't me I'm glad to say. Someone I knew grabbed a pigeon by the wings in the middle of Slough and pulled.
There wasn't much left, except a small beating heart visible from each side of the huge tear on either side of the chest.
The people in McDonalds never saw it coming as it was thrown through the open door.

(monsta, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 16:21, archived)

Dude

you are clearly a disturbed individual.

(weirzbowski, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 23:24, archived)

theres funny

stories and ones that are just sick and wrong. your stories, unfortunately, fall into the latter category.

(

Jobe, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 8:54, archived)

shudder

How very John Wayne Gacy

(seamonkey, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 10:14, archived)

thats very wrong

but it reminds me of something that happened coming home form college a couple of years ago. we were at the railway station and theres all these pigeons. one of them is limping around pathetically and not flying anywhere. there were also these youngish lads who were trying to pick up the pigeons. they couldnt cath any healthy ones so they try the ill one. 1 of the lads makes a grab for the pigeon and manages to pick it up and turn it upside down. the kid and the pigeon both look confused, i dont think either of them were expecting that. kid decides to see if the pigeon really cant fly or whether its being a lazy-arse. chucks it into the air with the intention of throwing it to the other platform, cue the inevitable. a train thunders through and splatters everyone 'downwind' as it were, with mangy pigeon. yarg

(

manolith hooray for me, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 12:01, archived)

Squirrel antics

My mother once had a bird feeder that hung from a pole - supposedly a squirrel-proof construction - that was continually burgled by our little rodent friends. Finally, in a fit of pique, my normally pacific and non-devious mother determined that applying a healthy coat of vegetable shortening to the pole was in order. Later that day, we were sitting on our screen porch eating dinner, and were treated to the following spectacle:

Squirrel approaches pole from excellent vantage point on nearby branch;
Squirrel makes wonderfully graceful leap toward yummy goal;
Squirrel then proceeds to spiral down the pole at high speed, creating a barber-pole effect, and go flying off in a random direction with a surprised expression

AND THE JUDGES GIVE HIM - ALL TENS!

Being the paragon of his species, he decided to conduct further experiments in Newtonian physics, with many subsequent hysterics and spewing of food on the part of the cruel spectators. I think my Mom stopped getting invitations to SPCA events after that.

(laramieman, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 17:06, archived)

When I was a wee nipper

I used to pull a dining room chair over to the chest of drawers that Alice was neatly situated, dunk my hand in and grab the goldfish. Then I used to pull Alice out of the tank and drop her on the floor and count how many situps poor alice could do. Although one day, things went terribly wrong, while going through my stages of getting Alice, my mum walked into the dining room and shouted "Adam what are you doing!!!" she gave me such a fright, I threw Alice up in the air and down the back of the chest of drawers she went. Luckily the old dear managed to move the chest of drawers and put Alice back in her tank after a good couple of minutes of fitness training. She lived untill she was 14. See i knew it would of benefited her in someway!

(JonnyWad, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 17:14, archived)

alice?

who the fuck is alice?

(

jonas is not my name, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 10:46, archived)

My Sisters fish died on my dads birrthday

he was woken really early in the morning and was told that it had died. He tried to give it the kiss of life but it sadly didnt work.

(Squid Bunty, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 17:18, archived)

Sounds too good to be true...

My friend's fish flipped out of its tank and down the back of the sideboard... where it was impaled on a fork that had been wedged down there forever.

My tortoise met a sad death when my mum lined its hibernation box with plastic sheeting under the staw... the tortoise burrowed under the plastic and suffocated. She was mortified (and I've only just forgiven her)

(juicy_lucy, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 17:32, archived)

LASER POINTERS

watch cats run across floors and UP WALLS!!!!
..chasing little red dots around the room!

*the most fun you can have from a couple of LR44's*

:)

(

blugg (it's all gone horribly wrong), Thu 16 Oct 2003, 17:34, archived)

Many

years ago me and a friend who had some gerbils,decided to see how fast they could actually paddle.So taking one of those gerbil plastic ball things that you put them in to run about the floor,we decided to put it in a full bath.The poor thing was running up and down the bath until its small head was seen pushing up against the ball as it sank...you will be pleased to hear we did rescue it only to put it in a makeshift parachute made out of a carrier bag and then threw it down the stairs....

(

Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 17:51, archived)

i once left my cat

shut in the same room as my hamster. I came back to find my cat asleep on the bed and my hamster spread across the floor.

(

Lora, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 17:56, archived)

this was completely accidental

i feel i must add. And i cried for about 3 days solid afterwards.

(

Lora, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 18:18, archived)

We used to give malteasers to pigeons

Thay can just about pick them up but when they try to bite into them they shoot out of their beaks.

(

Hoagie, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 18:11, archived)

Good, but

much funnier is the result of feeding Alka-Seltzer to seagulls. I did this in Swansea and can state quite categorically that they explode as a result. If you've ever encountered a Swansea seagull, you'll understand I was provoked.

(mentalageofseven, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 1:10, archived)

I can concur

Seagulls DO explode on contact with Alka Seltzer, and also sound very confused shortly before

(pop_monkee, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 14:20, archived)

Feeding my Snake

I have two boa constrictors, 11 feet and 4 feet long. Well, I was hamstersitting for a friend while she was away at college, and the little fucker escaped and ate one of my pictures. I got so mad I cussed it out, opened the snake cage and threw in Rocky the Hamster. He lasted about 2 seconds before the snake grabbed him. I was so mad I sat there and watched the whole thing. Needless to say, I'm not friends with that girl anymore.

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 18:57, archived)

I was going to try

and put the last post on this thread.
But I'm not going to bother now.
You are all a Very Sick Bunch of Bunnies.
And I Thank You !

(

The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 19:11, archived)

Not pet abuse

But a song about it.
The Dead Hamster Song
Since there's barely any bandwidth there, infectedwill at hotmail dot com when it's run out if you wanna hear.

Oh- and I have a story. My brother had two goldfish- Sinbad and Steven. Sinbad he'd won at a fair, and Dad swore it would die that night. A family friend had an old tank, so in he went. He was joined by Steven a few months later from a pet shop. Steven died naturally by slowly rotting over several days while we tried to figure out if he was dead two years later, and he was ceromonially flushed. Sinbad however, continued to grow, but Mum got sick of cleaning it out and decided he had to go too, which was a pity cos he was about 3 or 4 and I felt deserved more time. I'd just gone veggie, so condemned it totally. She flushed him (after a few attempts) and was just carrying the still full tank downstairs for the last time when the bottom disintergrated and everything in there poured out over the new stair carpet. I just said that I'd dissaproved of it, but helped clean anyway. Never seen a clearer example of karma.

(

Whillow, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 19:20, archived)

Hideous rabbit cruelty

I have a friend who had a pet Rabbit, but didn't take care of it, in the usual 8-year-old style. Her father gave it to her aunt, who bred rabbits for food.
Seven years later he recounted to her at the dinner table the 'hilarious' story of how she'd eaten her pet in a pie the night it left. The aunt had actually just killed it in the kitchen.

(

Zuowan, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 19:37, archived)

Toadball

as a young lad, i had a large aquarium full of toads. About 18 of them, i think.

My bro and I, bored after an afternoon of mandated lawn maintaining hit upon an idea for a game. This game would not only raise our spirits and enhance our baseball pitching skills, it also the prime reason why we're both likely to go to hell.

Anyway, my brother went inside to grab the Toads, and I was to start up the riding lawn mower. To score points, one has to, from a 25 foot distance, throw a toad into the fully-engaged blades, as i drove the mower back and forth in front of him.

Needless to say, we quickly decimated my poor Toad populace. As i recall, We quit around his 12th scored point, as he at once found himself covered in the sinues and entrails of one of the Toads.

I blame TV.

(Wilzon321, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 20:02, archived)

Im not sure if this counts as abuse but....

I taught my cat to salute like a nazi by placing my fingers on his head.
I'll try and get pictures as soon as possible.

(Ash_Pow is now available in extra medium, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 21:41, archived)

nazi pets

You mean like the monkey in Raiders Of The Lost Ark?

(weirzbowski, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 23:57, archived)

boring story, but

I have seven cats. Recently I got a kitten, a small fuzzy gingery one named Izzy. He does a lot of stupid things, like any other kitten, but I get the feeling he's a bit of a special case. I get a lovely, warm, mushy feeling from taunting him at night by tying his toy frog to a string and hang it just out of his reach all night. I hear a satisfying thump on the wall about once every 5 minutes for about 2 hours, and I normally find him in the morning sitting at the opposite side of the hallway, staring and mewing longingly at Mr. Froggles. And I like putting socks over my cats' heads too, but who doesn't? I'm planning to get an air bazooka or whatever it's called from the toy store when I get the money - it shoots harmless balls of air for pretty long distances. Just pull on the thing and the back, and poof! Instant entertainment :D

(

trintrin has jam for blood, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 22:10, archived)

its called an airzooka

and fucking hell is it fun. i have one and i frequently annoy family and friends with it but the first time i got to play with one was best. i was in a shop, shooting this little kid with it and hiding so he didnt know who it was, every few seconds his hair would go whoosh and he would look furiously around the shop. the people behind the tills were laughing their arses off so i pointed it at them and blew a load of very nicely organised official looking papers off the desk. they came and took it away from me and made me leave the shop.
what was this board about again? oh yeah -
and then the cat exploded (hows that)

(

manolith hooray for me, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 12:14, archived)

A couple of stories

When very very stoned, a good friend of mine decided to turn his bong into a water bong. He couldn't be bothered going all the way to the kitched to fill the bong with water; he was just too chilled out for that. He poured some water in from the goldfish bowl - not realising that the goldfish was taken with the bong. The fish enjoyed swimming upside down completely off its trolley for several hours, until it died, presumably of an overdose or warmed water.

Another friend of mine was cleaning out his gerbil's cage, and he usually does this by letting the gerbils run on his bed whilst he puts fresh chippings in. He placed the empty cage on the bed, cleaned it, put more chippings in - then realised - where's the gerbil? After looking around the house for it everywhere, he returned to the room and lifted up the cage - only to find the gerbils crushed, limp, rigor-mortis ridden body lying flat out underneath it. He has never kept rodents since.

(The Secret 7000 ...join us. www.secret7000.co.uk, Thu 16 Oct 2003, 22:14, archived)

My cat was at a late night barbequeue once

And while it was there, I was deliberatley set on fire at least 3 times while asleep. I wwas told about this last week, but the barbequeue was over 3 months ago.

Oh, and the cat was there, and probably had a good time. So, ha.

(HawkerTyphoon, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 0:46, archived)

3 Funny Stories

Ok, this really is not funny-

Once I had a cute little tiny turtle, and I was playing with him. My mom called me down for supper or something and I was too lazy to put him back in his aquarium, so I just put him on the radiator. Unfortunately, I failed to realize my radiator was on full blast. I came back to see my turtle had melted.

Oh, and another story! I was playing with my hampster, and my mom called me down for dinner or something (sound familiar?) and I was too lazy to put it back in his cage so I just dropped him in my dresser drawer and closed it. When I came back and opened the drawer to fetch him, I saw that he was decapitated. As I opened the drawer, he had his head stuck in between the space in the back of the drawer and as I pulled it out it scraped against the top and cut his head off. Gross, huh?

OH! And that other time when I attempted to hatch chicken eggs and one came out deformed (one leg was on backwards) It lived for three years, it just had to sorta hop around.

And then the other time when my brother dropped our pet gerbil down three flights of spiral stairs. It lived, though....hardy little hampster!

Beauty

(beauty, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 1:55, archived)

pet death

My mate's little sister had gerbils and she used to free one at a time in the living room. Her favourite one used to run towards and her and she would jump over it and it would change directions and scamper back. Then one time it didn't and she stamped on it. She was seven and had bare feet.

The epilogue is that her mum scooped it off the carpet and said she was taking it to the vet. She flushed it down the toilet and bought an identical one from the local pet shop. Then put the new gerbil in the tank with the three surviving brothers. A gang war ensued and the final gerbil died of a gangrenous ear injury about a month later.

Epic.

(Robertvaliant, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 4:42, archived)

My neighbor went off on a trip for a week

and asked me to watch their cats while they were gone. One was pretty darn old and somewhat in ill health. Well, 2 days after they left, the thing died. I didnt know what to do, so I froze it in the refridgerator, because I didnt want it to stink. Fortunately, I remembered their frozen cat the night before they came home, and I went over there to thaw it out only to find it was stuck to a box of micro-wave spaghetti. I tried to pull the box off, but it was damn frozen to the thing. So I ended up microwaving it for 2 minutes until the box came free. Then I blow-dryed it until it was completely thawed and put him in his little cat house. When they came home, they told me that he had died and I faked it saying "Gee! He was fine just the night before! He was playing with his ball and everything!" Gads did that suck...

(Peripheral Visionary, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 7:27, archived)

Odd

most odd

(

Banana, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 12:47, archived)

A few years ago

my cat became a little smelly and rather grimy feeling. I didn't want a wet cat scrambling around in my bathroom, so I filled a tub on the pool deck with warm water and stuck him in. He sat in about six inches of water, making a sad little mewling noise, but not attempting to move. That is until I reached for a cup to pour a water over him. He lept straight up in the air, pushed off the edge of the tub, and landed in the swimming pool. The poor stupid thing didn't even try to swim, he just looked up at me as he bobbed lower in the water. He was at least a foot under by the time I got ahold of him and pulled him out. (He was fine, he sneezed and scratched me as soon as he was out of the pool.)

This same cat also likes to stare out the back door for hours. For a few months every summer ducks invade our pool. One day he became very agitated while watching them paddle around, so I opened the door to see what he would do. He didn't like to go outside, but this time he ran straight for the ducks. And directly into the pool. He got out on his own (and very quickly this time) and the ducks just swam to the other side of the pool and mocked him with their quacking.

edit: this is my damp cat, still watching the ducks

(

gracielou, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 10:42, archived)

Squirrel Fishing

Huge amounts of cheap fun can be had by fishing for squirrels. When I was at uni I lived in a hall of residence on the 3rd floor, and we had a balcony overlooking a big field. What we used to do was throw out bits of bread to attract a few squirrels. Once we had a few likely candidates we would get a big bit of string and wrap one end tightly around a piece of tracker bar, then entice the little critters to try and bite it. Once we had a bite we could actually lift the squirrel a fair way off the ground by it's mouth. They really don't want to let go! We even managed to place one gently onto the balcony below us. They flap about like mad when they're hanging from the end of the line!

(mr pete, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 11:09, archived)

How we larfed..

I brought my [female] Alsation round to a friends house who happened to have a [male] dauschand (wiener dog to our american friends).

The female was on heat, the male was up for it so we put the female upstairs then laughed as we watched a wiener dog with an erection try to run up the stairs. Poor thing nearly broke in half.

(knuks Lurking for 12+ years, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 11:25, archived)

Hamsters and Smoke

I once owned a hamster who for some reason I thought i would name Bong, one night me and some friends were giving him blowbacks, he ran around for a bit and then starting tunneling in his house, thinking nothing of it we all went to sleep only to find in the morning Bong had tunnelled out of his cage and through two inches of solid wood (The front door) and buggered off entirely, he was never seen since but wherever he is now he probably has a mean case of the munchies (or is just dead and rotting a bit)/

(

The Doctor Why is it big and why is there grass?, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 11:39, archived)

Not my Pet..but I was the vet

Well, I have to admit to being the typical vet when it comes to treating Animals. Three months ago a young mum brings here daughter to the surgery...with the pet goldfish. Basically the goldfish is floating on the top of the bowl, what did i do...just add one disprin, and 'hey presto' a recovered and very active goldfish. Cost £10. I did say that the goldfish was very sick and may not recover completely, but hey it was moving like a torpedo!!!

(rubberfishdoctor, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 11:40, archived)

wossa disprin do?

move over David Blaine!

(

PastorSauce : easy on the anchovies..., Fri 17 Oct 2003, 12:09, archived)

Knickers!

When I was a kid, we had this great dog who was a bit of a cross between a chilled-out hippy and a rampant, slathering devil-hound, intent upon spreading his vile seed to every bitch he could get his filthy, randy paws on.

Anyway, Spot, as he was known, went through a long phase of eating my mum's knickers and then spewing them up half a day later, whole, and in a soggy, stinking torpedo-like shape.

Sickeningly, he'd only go for used ones that he'd get by knocking the laundry basket down the stairs to get the lid off.

My mum tried hiding them in other clothes, cos this was costing her a bomb. She failed to allow for the fact that dogs are kind of famed for their sense of smell, eh?

I don't recall how this saga ended. I think, perrrhaps...the dog won, and me mum spent the last years of its (the dog's) life going Commando...

This is the same dog that REALLY fancied our chocolate-box cat and was forever caught trying to bang it like a drum. Weird thing is, its the cat that was the one rubbing herself all over him first, each time.

(The Very Respectable SNeaky Badger, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 13:56, archived)

prr

Dirty Dirty Filthly cat she wanted it

(seamonkey, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 14:15, archived)

This is my Toilet

In it live my fish. When the toliet flushes, the water goes down, and you should see the little bastards freak out! Depicted are fish numbers 8 of 9 and 9 of 9. Naming seems a bit unecessary when we get through them so fast. They don't survive that well, but hey, they're cheap!

(domman, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 14:28, archived)

Not strictly pets but

at school my science teacher had a tank of leeches. When he wasn't looking we would suck the leeches up into a squeezy pipette and shoot them at eath other

(mr pete, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 14:51, archived)

Cooking cats

A friends parents cat used to enjoy sitting next to the hob where it was nice and warm...

until I leant back on the buttons one day when socialising in his kitchen...

and accidentally ignited it.

oops.

it took many years for him to forgive me.

(baldwhippet, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 15:12, archived)

Some Friends of friends were dog sitting for other friends.

The small yappy-type dog had fruit treats, and liked to eat fruit. As a treat, the dogsitters had bought in some fruit for the wee snapper. As the shopping came throught the house the dog could smell ripe fruit, and started to get excited. Soon it had identified the bag on the counter and stood beneath it whereapon the melon exited the bag and landed on the dog killing it stone dead.

(jimkins, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 15:19, archived)

Auto-Entertaining Dog

This is actually pretty recent, but funny, and not quite as cruel as it could be.

My mom has a Westie that she completely adores - The thing is extremely hyperactive around me for some reason, although she claims that I'm the only person the dog gets that crazy around.

It also happens to be incredibly stupid.

Anyways, I was doing the whole cat-laser pointer game with her two cats when the dog notices, and just goes CRAZY - Pretty much trampling the cats trying to get to it. So, I run her up the stairs, and then back down - over and over and over again. I finally stop because I'm afraid the thing's going to have a heart attack... but it keeps looking for the "red dot of evil" for about three or four hours.

One day, we decided to have a bit of fun with the dog by rigging the laser pointer so it's alwas on, and attaching it to her collar. The dog went absolutely ballistic, running around in circles EXTREMELY fast, not stopping once... It was quite the chore to catch her once we all stopped laughing.

To this day, if I come over, she starts looking around for the red dot of doom...

(mysticmcj, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 16:23, archived)

Sounds good, laser pens are always

fun

(HawkerTyphoon, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 20:23, archived)

Odd.

I don't think dogs can see the color red - How could it see a lazer? o_o
Well, my dog can't anyway...
The only time I ever abused a pet was pulling the budgie around on a cart by its tail when I was 3. he was not amused, as you can imagine.

(Angelblood, Fri 17 Oct 2003, 23:52, archived)

Another hampster story

We used to have a pet called a coatimundi (look it up somewhere, they're from Latin America). Well it's a pretty clever animal. I was very young and just brought home a hamster. I put in one of those plastic balls and it ran straight to the coatimundi. At first I was startled, but realized the coati couldn't get in the ball. Right after I let my guard down, the coati twisted the ball and ate the hamster.

(kryptic82, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 6:31, archived)

Rat cricket

When i was in my mid-teens, i worked for a few weeks picking spuds on a farm. At the end of the day we loaded the spuds into a barn, and there were always a few rats in there. The Jack Russell's would corner them, my mate John with work gloves would gbrab one. Mike the farmer's son would stand in front of the stand pipe with a grain shovel.
Rat pitched under arm at stand pipe wicket, THUNG as shovel whacked rat for six.
Usualy the rats exploded into small pieces.
The Jack Russell terriers made excellent fielders when this happened.

(Man in Japan, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 6:55, archived)

Hamster suicide

I had a hyperactive hamster that we left in it's cage on the edge of our dining room table, and yes it ran into the wall knocking the cage off the table onto the floor and broke it's leg.........then it died. Dnt worry i thought it was pretty funny, i hated the thing!

(

monkdagola but how do you TURN a phrase?, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 19:59, archived)

Bird

When i was 3 years old i've had a canary for about 1 hour. Me and my sister would put the baby chicken on the floor and follow him around the house, and after one hour the bird decided he'd stop walking, i didnt see it stopping and i crushed it.
I have a problem with mc nuggets since.

(Bertie, Sat 18 Oct 2003, 21:10, archived)

More fun with hamsters

Anyone ever put a hamster in a kiddie pool? My two sisters and I did when we were younger. It was very hilarious to watch it swim, its little legs paddling like mad. Swimming hamsters paddle very, very fast. Finally, when I reached in to remove it from the pool, it didn't know to stop paddling and its furiously pumping little legs shot it right out of my hand about three or so feet through the air and onto the lawn. Needless to say we tried this again immediately, but it only worked that once.

(a-ron, Sun 19 Oct 2003, 0:46, archived)

Most of my pet stories happen with a specific group of friends

While these girls mean well, they have bad luck with animals. They had a hamster, Niobe. Eventually, Niobe died, as hamsters tend to do. So the girls, being the super-religious type, invited me to Niobe's funeral. We were to bury her under a palm tree by our lake. (We figured being in a hole in the ground for eternity *IS* hamster heaven.) The main owner of the hamster, Allie, has a small cup of rose petals she lights on fire as incense, and proceeds to dump the lit rose petals into the hole with the hamster corpse. A few moments of bowed heads and quiet prayer, and I smell something quite rank. The burning rose petals had set the dead hamster on fire. She runs down to the lake to collect water to put the burning hamster; of course this lake is mostly anaerobic, and smells like shit. So now we have the smell of rotten eggs and dead burning hamster, and I unfortunately get hit with a case of the giggles. Allie's sister announces we're having more fun with Niobe dead than alive, and maybe we should dig her back up to keep playing.

Episode #2 occurs when we're taking a friend around for her birthday. One stop is the pet store, where the girls pick up a Siamese fighting fish in a little cup. We then go to a mall a good half hour away. They put the cup on top of the hand dryer; the cup falls and shatters. I scoop the fish up, and hold in my hands under running water in the sink until Allie goes to a restaurant and gets a cup of water to keep the fish in until we get home. So we're walking around the mall, and hear a sputtering sound from Allie. She, of course, had forgotten the cup of water had a fish in it, and started drinking, only remembering when the fish was in her mouth.

I used to have several tree frogs in a tank, and would buy them crickets every two weeks. One day I find the larger of my two frogs, Nitrogen, bloated and floating on the water portion. The stupid little fecker had eaten so many crickets he couldn't move. I had to pick he up and put him on dry land, and he couldn't move for the next two days until he's digested the bugs. Stupid little thing is still alive though, and amazingly friendly.

My mother's cat likes snakes. She goes out int he backyard and plays with them frequently. Now while Florida mostly has non-poisonous snakes, Kitty manages to find the poisonous ones and get bitten, requiring surgery to drain the resulting abscesses. Now, a few years after she's learned her lesson, I come home from uni with my new pets, two darling baby corn snakes. Kitty is both fascinated and terrified, particularly when the snakes are feeding. So we let her watch, she sits ont eh table with her legs tucked under her body so the snakes can get them. As she watches, I grab her tail, and bolts into another room.

I think that's pretty much it with the animal tricks, though I'm sure there are dozens I'm forgetting.

(puttysan, Sun 19 Oct 2003, 5:29, archived)

How I killed My Granny's Cat

(Was an accident by the way)
This was about 5 years ago:
We used to go to see my grandma and grandad every 2 weeks on a Sunday. She had this really old cat but he was as healthy as anything.
My dad told me that when he was younger he fed it string (covered in tuna juice)and then after a few days it came out of its ass. My young eyes lit up and I decided to try the same thing.

I did like my dad and covered a long piece of string with Tuna juice and fed it to the cat. He ate it quite quickly and that was that.

A couple of days later, we went back to my granny's, probably to drop something off or pick something up, and she told my dad she was worried about her cats health. And I tell you, he did look pretty messed-up sprawled behind a chair. She said he hadn't eaten anything since we left. Yea course I felt bad

We got a phone call the next day from my Gran saying her cat had died. Eeesh talk about guilt. So, that's it. Never feed cats string!

Even better, I've never told anyone about this part from my friends.

(liathist, Sun 19 Oct 2003, 22:20, archived)

Do you know how long I had to rack my brain for?

Ok, so one day me and my dad are standing there in the hallway, and my dad swears he's been seeing a rat for the last week or so.
I tell him it's his imagination, then I start seeing the thing, so either i'm going mad or there really is a rat.

Anyway so we check out the cupboard that we think it's hiding in, and sure enough there's a three foot long grey rat, biggest fucking rat i've ever seen, and it's tail's broken.

So as it turns out, my cat has caught the rat, broken its tail and promptly forgotten about it, my mum freaks and I offer to pick it up, hell it was big but one cute rat and I wanted to keep it, my dad says kill it and my mum say's no, she thinks that's cruel, and makes a phone call to the guy from the council, safe in the knowledge that the rat will be going to a better place.

A better place is right, the council guy assures us that the rat will be fine, takes it to the back of his van and whacks it over the head with a crobar.

Cats are fucking useless.

(thermal_assault, Mon 20 Oct 2003, 0:15, archived)

woohaaa

scary!

(sugar_69r2003, Mon 20 Oct 2003, 16:12, archived)

fun with cats

I haven't read all the posts, so if someone has already mentioned this-sorry.

But, the funniest thing in the world, yet wrong on so many levels, is to take regular tape, scotch, invisible or whatever, and wrap it around the cats paws, all four, or two. They dance. it is so funny, and as i said, wrong on sooo many levels.
ha ha

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Lisette von Falcon, Tue 21 Oct 2003, 2:40, archived)

Patchy Pink 'n Black (Painted Dog)

When I were a younger lad than I am now, I had a pet dog named Shep. He was a patchy type black and white dog, and it's of this patchy whiteness that I write now...
Shep was a strange but happy dog. His life was a good'n; he'd regularly leggit off to the local pig farm and have his wicked way with the pink 'n smelly lovelies! This we know because of the locals telling us of how they'd witnessed the events of their afternoon involving dog, pigs, and farmer - which must surely point a pig finger in the local's moral direction...?
Shep had a green nob, too, which he thought was a great show for the visitors.
Anyway, one day (when Shep wasn't visiting the local pigs/farmers' boot) I happend to glance a red watercolour board marker, and in that same infinate instance I happened to notice that the dog was in fact black with white patches.
As children so oft equate the world around them, I chose the sum 'Red Felt Marker + White Patchy Dog = Better Looking Dog".
I sat and coloured Shep from head to paw and tail in Red, and then discovered that Red and White do actually make Pink.
So, for a few hours thereafter my dog sat in a room full of relatives happy in their tea drinking and food munching and telly watching, whilst all the time they had the nagging feeling that something was a bit odd with the dog... yes, it's pink and black! I had waited for almost 3 hours before someone piped up, there's something wrong with the dog.
Sadly, my dog ran away a couple of days later; still pink and black.

BUT, if dogs do see in black and white only... why did my dog know it was pink? It must've known cos it buggered off a few days after...

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steponfrog dribblygreenstuffdriblingfrommynoes, Tue 21 Oct 2003, 5:32, archived)

Two amusing stories

about pets that aren't mine.

First up, my girl friend (note the space gents) at Uni had a boyfriend who's friend (sigh) had a budgie that was a stoner. This guy was one of the biggest smokers around and used to constantly puff ganja smoke at the poor thing for months. In the end, the budgie got so messed up that it used to fly round and round in circles for about fifteen minutes, then forget what it was doing, and drop straight out of the air as it tried to remember. Poor thing died a while later; funny thing was, it used to get withdrawal symptons too, and get agitated when he wasn't smoking.

The second story is with a friend whos parents have two cats, one called Alfie. This cat is like the Mafia Don of cats, it's enormouse, black, and dangerous.
If you come in from the back garden of his parents house, you have a door with a catflap leading into a tiny utility room, with another connecting door with a catflap. These doors are straight after one another, and about six foot apart.
One day, something spooked Alfie in the garden (presumably a visit from the Triad cat from down the road, I kid you not; it's like gang warfare down there), and he came running in through the catflaps.
Unfortunately, as he's a bit lardy, he managed to negotiate the first flap okay, but took the second one with him round the house, trailing bits of wood. Took them ages to get hold of the daft thing and pull it over his head.

Happy days :)

(Sher_idan, Tue 21 Oct 2003, 9:01, archived)

Dogs, Hamsters and flies

Three stories

Dog.

Named Bella beautiful Old English Sheepdog. Me and my brother used to tease her quite a lot. One particular day I was playing in the garden with her with a garden cane. She gets the cane in the middle of her mouth, my brother calls her and she goes running into the kitchen. The door is about 4' wide the cane is about 8'. Three broken teeth.

Hamster

Hammy (quite possibly the most common name for a hamster) used to live in his cage on top of the boiler in the utility room. It was about 3' high and just at the right temperature for hamsters according to the book I had. I went to clean him out one morning and he'd gone. The cat we had got blamed. Two days later my brother breaks a glass of milk in the kitchen, goes to get a mop and bucket to clean up. Starts mopping and a dead hamster falls out. The hamster had topped himself I reckon.

Flies

This was not done by me but by a bloke at work called Bob. He reccomends catching a bluebottle and pulling its wings off. Run a bath and lie in the bath with the top of your winky just floating about the surface. Place the bluebottle on your winky. The fly simply runs around in circles and you get a thrill. I think that wins a prize, mind you the evil cunt used to get mice and cut their legs off with scissors to see how long they lived.

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DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Tue 21 Oct 2003, 13:20, archived)

I had a Kamikaze Hamster once...

...It lived in one of those fishtank like cages, with a tiny hole on one side, where the food thing clipped in. Next to this was my prized Almighty Singles Collection. The whole shebang was on top of a wardrobe in my back room. It had a slidy bottom, and all the bits and pieces were attached to the side of the tank, so all you had to do was get the hamster out, stick it in it's ball, slide out the bottom and clean it, stick in new sawdust, all that shite. Anyway - 'cos you didn't need to clean the top half all that often, we'd clean it roughly every two weeks.
Now, some friends from Scotland were staying at our house, camping down on the living room floor. The next morning, one of them said "I had the weirdest fucking dream last night. I dreamt there was a cat pawing at my face" - now, as we didn't have a cat at that point, we laughed it off and blamed it on his inebriation. Off they went back to scotland. I looked in the cage, and there was a big fucking hole through my Almighty Singles Collection. The little bastard had gradually chewed through the little holes for the clips, through the cardboard of the singles collection, either shimmied or jumped off the wardrobe, climbed all over my mates face, crapped everywhere, and disappeared. To this day, I have no idea where it went.

Sorry for the long story with the shit punchline, but hey!

(V3lvetPresley, Tue 21 Oct 2003, 20:00, archived)