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Flatmates From Hell

'His name was Mo. He didn't leave the house for six months and left bottles of piss everywhere. On being questioned on his behavior he meerly mouthed 'Woo!' and shook his bottle.' (via Joel.)

Can you beat that? The WORST flatmate stories will be used on B3ta radio this Friday.

(

rob, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:31, archived)

When at Uni

I let a mate kip on my floor for a couple of days at the start of the second year while he sorted himself somewhere to live. 3 months later he sold the interior doors to buy crack, and I found him bleeding preofusely in the bath after chucking my VCR through a window in a drug-fuelled rage.

(

supermoore: HUNG, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:34, archived)

Not leeds Uni?

(

Dr Nick Riviera, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:35, archived)

No, Essex.

Fucking loony he was too.

(

supermoore: HUNG, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:37, archived)

I think a few people who lived with me might nominate me.

I went off the rails a bit for a year.

Still, I kept the kitchen clean at least.

(

Dr Nick Riviera, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:39, archived)

Whilst we're on the subject of universities...

I go to Cambridge Uni. One thing I have learned for myself and nobody has had to teach me is that no matter how rich your parents are, no matter how much per term your school fees were, no matter how many A-levels you did or how exotic your gap year was, it does not guarantee you will have any social skills whatsoever when it comes to sharing a kitchen.
Really. It makes me consistently laugh. There is one such chap who lives opposite me on my corridor. He's a third year musician, fabulously eloquent, plays for God knows how many orchestras, ensembles, choirs etc. And then he'll get back, cook himself and his pissy friends some overpriced pasta and then leave the stuff in the sink for me to find three days later.
Unfortunately I'm too polite to mention it to him so it's going to have to run for now.
And I think the girl next door might be dead. In no uncertain terms I can confirm that I have not seen her living form in four weeks. I can't even confirm that I've heard voices or movement from her room. It's probably not like she's disappeared off the face of the earth, because the college would have people go out and look for her. And this being her third year it's unlikely that she's dropped out.
I suppose I could tape something across her door which would break if it was opened, thus confirming someone is using the room. Unfortunately the cleaners come every day. Maybe I could find her email address?

(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 0:33, archived)

find out!

find out!
and tell us!
reply to me when you've found out!

(Hobbes, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 3:25, archived)

Mission underway.

Update on the situation. I have taped a hair across her door, fairly low down so she shouldn't notice. I did it at about 2am this morning, and it hasn't been broken yet. It's only 12pm though so no worry yet.

(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:15, archived)

so?

is it broken? what will you do if it never breaks?

she hasn't moved out on the very quiet has she?

(scumface, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 19:51, archived)

New boyfriend

Guaranteed.

(

Banana, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 8:13, archived)

How fascinating...

Hmm, yeah, I used to do that to see if anyone secretly violated my privacy and opened the box I had stuffed under my bed marked PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL. Interestingly enough the piece of cotton I used was always broken, so I set up surveillance using movement tripped video cameras and a rottweiller. Worked a treat.
Do tell us what happens won't you. Why don't you climb out the window and look in hers? Or better still, why don't you just knock on her door and then go in and see for yourself? Erm, too obvious??

(Mooty, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 2:16, archived)

the cleaners come every day, I am sure they would have spotted a decomposing corpse in there

(lord Roystarn, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:16, archived)

Rotting Corpses

And let's not forget the many flies that would be all over the place by now.....lovely stuff decomposition.

(Nny, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 2:09, archived)

moneybags

Rich cranberry are the worst roommates. once i lived with two such fuckers. One day they decided to be oh so commoner and "cook dinner" with their slag girlfriends. They bought a huge, hardback cookbook just for the occasion, which they used to learn how to cook...pasta with tomato sauce! After their jolly old fun at the stove and thoroughly quaint evening at the dinner table, they left the dishes they'd used in the sink for over a week, including my pots and pans. They obviously decided never to try their hand at cooking again, and the book was left sitting on the stove-top, covered in crusted tomato sauce.

I came home from work one night and asked them to clean their mess up because I tired & wanted to make something to eat. When I came out and saw that the mess was still there, I picked up their cookbook and threw it at them with full force, screaming "you fucking rich zeppelin, clean up my fucking dishes!!"

Very satisfying, and it got a response too.

(Skreko, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 23:30, archived)

I used to live with such fuckers

the answer is to take said dishes after the allotted 'time-out' period, go to their bedrooms, pull back the sheets and dump the said dishes upside down. Don't forget to pull the shhets back to their original position. Works a treat when they're out on the piss, but in practice whether or not they are actually in their bed at the time of dumpage is irrelevant

(boy with balls on chin just quit his job and is about to feck off travelling for 18 months, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 10:12, archived)

moneybags

Do what I did. Stop buying bogroll Wipe your arse on the middle of their bedsheet. They wont dare ask you if you did it. I did it for 4 months to the C#Nt. I'm sure he thought that he was leaving giant skidders himself.

(teaboab, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:08, archived)

uh..

Are you english?

(grinick, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:12, archived)

U*h

Naa just a c3nt who will go to any extreme for a quiet life.

(teaboab, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:22, archived)

Moneybags

Why are they called a cranberry?

(teaboab, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:18, archived)

Another update on my Shallow Grave-esque conundrum.

What started as a uneasy joke between a few of my friends at Uni (and on this board) has gone a bit out of control and I don't think I should post any more. A few infuential people heard, apparantly, and the police and the college are both involved now.

(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:50, archived)

How much did he get for the doors

(

PeterSeychelles, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:36, archived)

A fair bit,

they were really nice stained-glass affairs. Needless to say I lost my deposit on that house.......

(

supermoore: HUNG, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:39, archived)

ding ding ding ding

we have a winner

(BigBobbyh, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:36, archived)

Similar-ish

When I was at uni, we did the same thing, i.e. let someone stay, ostensibly for a few days, turned into approx a month. He was a good cook, brought one of his mates round, and left about a week before we went home for xmas. Boxing day, the landlady rang up, "you've been robbed.".

Turned out he was a pimp and a dealer. I did wonder where those lasses were coming from.

My name hasn't been up, either i wasn't too bad or nobody I shared with knows about this place.

(oh, and first post!)

(scumface, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 20:06, archived)

I was the flat mate from hell,

I regularly forgot to pay the rent, I never washed my sheets, I burnt all my flat mates pans, I never washed up properly.
He kicked me out.

(

bovine I'm so old, even my old is old, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:35, archived)

you

cranberry

it's people like you who give house shareing a bad name.

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:46, archived)

My mate dowm the corridor here at uni.

Just eats Tuna and Tinned Tomato sandwiches. JUST that.
He has a vat he makes up using about 5 tins of each in the fridge all the time.
He also always wears black.
Strange guy.

(

Herr Tezcat, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:35, archived)

does he have scurvy?

(Leroy_slade, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:52, archived)

plenty

of vitamin C in toamtoes (even tinned, which is one reason why you shouldn't buy dented tins), so he wouldn't get scurvy. nutritionally, he's got a pretty balanced diet

(

atomboy, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:03, archived)

Do the vitamins get dented too?

(Seebeedee, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:08, archived)

the vitamin c and other acidic components of tomatoes will corrode the metal on the tin, leading to aluminium contamination of your taomatoes. aluminium has been postulated as a possible factor for increasing the risk of developing alzheimer's disease. undented tine have a microthin and intact plastic coating on the inside of the tin. when tins are dented, the coating gets ripped, thus exposing the aluminium to the acids

(

atomboy, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:51, archived)

learn a new thing every day!

and there was me thinking that you shouldnt buy dented cans because tomatoes get angry when they're squashed!

(

moogman, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:01, archived)

I can't believe you know all that

and still can't spell "tomato"

(

isthisyou?, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 14:30, archived)

And I thought

he was talking about Toma Toes. Those are the tastiest eats in Northern Canada.

(prof_peabody, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:29, archived)

FYI: The spellings of tomato(es)

Singular it's "tomato", and plural it's "tomatoes".

You say tomato and I say tomaaaato.

(zawacki, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 20:57, archived)

but did u know..

that the thin plastic coating is causing men to go sterile, due to the synthetic oestrogens contained within the plastic!! So dented or undented, your gonna lose... unless your female.

(Palleon, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 18:51, archived)

tins tins tins

and you can get botulism

(ianfidel, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 19:01, archived)

Sorry,

but why shouldn't you buy dented tins??

(anotheradam, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 2:35, archived)

Sorry but,

why shouldn't you buy dented tins??

(anotheradam, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 2:36, archived)

sorry but

not only have I asked the same question twice, it has already been answered. And what an answer, so edumacated, not like what I is.

(anotheradam, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 2:40, archived)

I had a flatmate who didn't like washing up

so each week he bought a magazine and used a double page as his plate for each meal, turning to a new page each day.

(

Mr Peet, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:35, archived)

genius!

(

rob, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:36, archived)

inventive!

what magazine did he use?

(oneofthemany, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:38, archived)

It might taste better if he used

Good Food magazine?

(Seddonism, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 12:41, archived)

Big Creamy Soap Tit Wank Weekly

of course ... what other publication is there for the discerning gentleman?

(boy with balls on chin just quit his job and is about to feck off travelling for 18 months, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 10:20, archived)

playin wit swear filter

cranberry watermelon shit

(Mogging Flolly, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 13:23, archived)

I used to hate washing socks,

but luckily there was a stall on my way to work which sold 7 pairs for £3.50.

(

supermoore: HUNG, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:38, archived)

I'm sure

I went to uni with you after that one :

There was a guy called Mo - couldn't be arsed to wash socks, so kept buyig new pairs - ended up with about 3 months supply I think

(Pan Dimensional Mouse Currently existing in 13 dimensions as of, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:54, archived)

Poundland

Poundland do 4 pairs for £1. Woo! That new sock feeling every day.

(

Devon Dan without geometry, there would be no point, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:49, archived)

how

much?

(grampski, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 0:51, archived)

...

I think that's the single advantage of going to Uni in Stoke-on-trent...
When my sink was full of washing up(a sink in every room!) I just went out and bought more plates/mugs/bowls from the plentiful supply of china seconds shops...

(

GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 22:12, archived)

Washsocks wanksocks

I once caught an old flatmate of mine wiping his spuzz up with one of my socks after he'd had a hand-shandy. I got my own back by jizzing on his girlfriend's skirt. She wasn't wearing it at the time, unfortunately.

(cuntymints Cuntymints, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:57, archived)

I have a friend who cooks socks

har har har

(CaptainMonkeyPants Doesn't care for it at all., Mon 24 Nov 2003, 13:45, archived)

what did he use for cutlery?

(

gingerbenji wrote a book http://goo.gl/8UiGjd, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:49, archived)

My Housemate didn't like washing up either...

He just left his plates everywhere... and i really couldn't be arsed to wash them. But soon enough he won the war... I did wash his plates for him...
with the assistance of my own urine

(professor honky straight fonky, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 22:29, archived)

his days consisted of

playing on a gamecube for a whole day from 9 in the morning til 3 at night, eating nothing apart from a can of beans, and a cup of coffee. he then disappeared into his room for three months without being seen once - despite having things burned outside his room, and being asked to pay his rent...

now lives in brighton

(invocation, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:36, archived)

and your point is?

I'm looking for a flatmate at the moment, and compared to some of this town's malcontents and students he sounds ideal.....

(lordfredatron lordfredatron, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:19, archived)

I had a flatmate.

She went mad and hanged her two cats in the space under the stairs. Not nice.

(

ilovemy5dollarhorse All things considered, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:37, archived)

I hope they got a proper trial first

(oneofthemany, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:39, archived)

apparantly

they were controlling her thoughts. Never saw her tucking into a tin of KiteKat though.

(

ilovemy5dollarhorse All things considered, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:41, archived)

but I bet she bought lots of it

and not the supermarket stuff... the expensive stuff!!

(

Prof UnderCover evitable, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:52, archived)

If the cats were controlling her thoughts

why did they make her hang them?

(

SteelPriest, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:58, archived)

I suppose

they were suicidal.

(Carthag, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 22:15, archived)

They probably just let their guard down...

...while they were off their mash on catnip pipes.

(

Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 13:25, archived)

Cats

You must have been smoking drugs/taking drugs when you added that message board.

(QueenCheese, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 22:23, archived)

My roommate

(i.e. in the same room as me)... had his girlfriend stay over for a weekend. While common decency would normally dictate they would not engage in sexual activity, it appears common decency was not in his repertoire. He gurgled, and she shrieked, if that's not too much information.

Fucking shit that was a bad weekend.

I ended up sitting in the park, freezing my nuts off for a couple of hours at 3am just to get away from them.

Still - when he went away, I left a condom filled with condensed milk in his bed.

(

stup0t, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:37, archived)

ha ha ha

Cornflour and water makes an excelente cum.

(Timmy (Esq), Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:54, archived)

His name was Jeremy

He lived on apples and drank random pops he saw lying about, especially in the theatres. He also enjoyed open chip bags and leftovers from everyone at lunch. Erm... more to come possibly.

(

Koogas, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:37, archived)

her name was lola

she was a showgirl...

hmm, i wish. i live with big gay dan and a chinese guy

(

manolith hooray for me, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:10, archived)

Steve bought a very large home cinema system

and an imported laserdisc player from the US. He only had one disc though. So, post-pub every night for six months, he would invite friends/colleagues/strangers up to see his hifi, demonstrating its five-speakerness by playing the first scene to Mars Attacks at top volume. Every night for six months.

In the end I was forced to killed him. I buried him under the patio.

(

0% Interest Expand Reply Retweet Favorite More, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:39, archived)

I know someone like that

except he plays independance day

(

SarahRatt, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 1:32, archived)

A flat-mate at uni didn't have much cash

so he used to buy that frozen mince (you know the cheap kilo packs) and fry that up all at once in a pan. It used to stink the whole place out. Then he'd sit and eat it all with ketchup and dry bread. Nasty.

(

youknowyouloveit, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:39, archived)

Flatmate from Smell

I once shared a house with someone, let's call him 'Adey' who only cooked pasta and served it with ketchup, used to blow his nose on the drying-up cloth (which I only found out 3 weeks after he moved in) and never washed the dishes (hence the nose blowing on the drying-up cloth). He also had a lovely habit of 'hocking up a good lung oyster' and spitting into the nearest mug ot glass whilst he was watching television. During a particularly bad cold he filled a pint glass. Nice. He also asked me after 3 months of living there, where the immersion heater switch was because he wanted a bath.....

(

Toma_o, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:40, archived)

arse

if you think thats bad I lived with someone - lets call him 'Lee King' - who actually wiped his arse with the Tea Towell. watermelon knows why.. was just a lazy cranberry. I actually moved into his house so presumably he had always done it. Up til a certain point I always thought that everything in that kitchen tasted vaguely of Marmite.

Bastard

(dazron, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 8:40, archived)

nonononono

that is not allowed to be the truth.

(Sybil 'n' Tess, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:21, archived)

well

i'm afraid it is the truth - i caught him doing it. He was just a lazy cranberry.

Is swearing turned off? why can't i say watermelon?

(dazron, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 19:07, archived)

shit works

watermelon, zeppelin, cranberry, happy baby orangutan, don't. Bollocks would appear to be acceptable as well. Oh happy day.

(Dr Hiss, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 20:11, archived)

Swearing?

There's a swearbot here? SWEET! can i change it to stuff like on ZUG GAB?

(number 27-hunter, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 21:27, archived)

I once was Pobble.

That is all.

(Lizzle, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:10, archived)

Hmm...

happy baby orangutan, bastard, twatty, fucking, arse-biscuits.

Guess it's not that bullet-proof then 8)

Bet it can't filter out Knob-Splint.

Thought not 8D

(v1ctory_1s_m1ne Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 9:40, archived)

swearing

when was swearing turned off?

it was more funny here when it was allowed

(dazron, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 12:21, archived)

no it fucking wasnt

this is sillier and more twattastic (get that) imaine having tour-shitting-ettes... watermelon shit arse wank telephone buggery

(chrismuzz, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:59, archived)

ooh, it worked... some more...

w a n k e r = happy baby orangutan

(Fantastic Mr Porter is bored, and wishes it was, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 13:43, archived)

an attempt

f u c k = watermelon
c u n t = cranberry
t w a t = zeppelin

it may be cleverer than i suspect though, in which case this will look like a very silly post

(Fantastic Mr Porter is bored, and wishes it was, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 13:33, archived)

an apt tent

Ah, the great taste of cranberry...

(

pHile, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 3:47, archived)

talking

to the neighbour from the adjoining terrace one day he says "is that bloke in you're house a bit weird? I heard gun shots in your house at the weekend and hopped over the fence and took a look in the window, he was dancing round a fire in the middle of the living room floor, in an army uniform, drinking whisky from a bottle and firing a gun in the air"

Well at least it expained the burns on the carpet and why my shirts and hi-fi were burnt, after he been home alone for the w/e.

Edit: oh and then there was the time I got home early on Sunday morning with a stinking hangover after a party, to find the front door wide open, went in all the furniture in the living room was smashed, the house stunk of fish and there was crab shell everywhere, initially he claimed there'd poltergeists throwing the furniture around the house, but it turned out he'd been attempting to open a crab by hitting it with furniture whilst drunk.

... and he used to spend hours on the phone to the local radio station phone-in number, when there wasn't a phone-in happening, as the crosstalk in the phone system allowed him to talk to other people who were doing the same thing.

. . there may be more to come.

(

lord bofingham, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:41, archived)

i'm sure there

is a joke to be made about 100% kitten here, but i'm too polite to make it

(

Spoon, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:08, archived)

if you value your health.....

(

100% kitten better than ever, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:21, archived)

I wonder if

that house was somewhere here. When I moved in to my house there was a large circular hole burnt into the living room floor (had a concrete floor) and soot on the ceiling. As if there'd been a campfire or something.

I always did wonder about that.

(

giblethead2000, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:12, archived)

well

it's not easy to open a crab.

(nabi, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 5:14, archived)

i had a flatmate called paul (ginger too)

he was so annoying - he would steal your food, dial up to the internet while you were on the phone, use your printer when you werent there and rack up huge phone bills buy using the internet and hanging up before it became itemised. so we had to spilt the bill three ways.

he had a job earning £200 a week, i was on £60, i wonder why the phone bill pissed me off!

cranberry!!

(

Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:41, archived)

blah..

the worst flatmate?

-he made a mess,
-he didn't pay rent
-when we kicked him out, he stole our vcr and CDplayer. probably sold'em to get heroin.

not much of a story, but a terrible flatmate none the less.

(radja, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:42, archived)

Augh

Bloody awful. I feel for you, because I remeber a flatmate I had.
Bloody bastard did nothing but sleep all day, drink Tequila, and piss on his bed. The smell was fucking awful. He used to eat crisps. That's all. Just crisps. And twiglets. Finally, he couldn't pay his fucking rent and got kicked out, taking along my bleedin' Volks.

(Roland Deschain, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 20:07, archived)

I had a housemate at uni

that rarely used the toilet and when he moved out we found numerous containers of shit piss and puke!

The smell from him and his room was intolerable and it wasnt helped when he caught campylobacter (food poisoning) and had the squits for 2 weeks before he went to the docs.

He also took copious amounts of amphetaimne and LSD which made for so many moments of ~~hilarity~~ despair!

(

Danblez, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:42, archived)

flatmate and poo related story

my flatmate, who's nickname was 'dog' managed to shit himself on the 5 minute walk from the student union to our flat. he then thought 'what the hell' and had a piss in his trousers.

what's worse is he refused to throw the trousers away. he tried to dry them out on his radiator and stank out the flat with the smell of baked urine and shit until everyone was retching at the smell and forced the filthy bastard to get rid of them.

he has also admitted to fingering a lady dog (hence his nickname) shitting himself on his mums white sofa, had a fat woman fetish, never, ever washed, could make a strong man retch at the sight of him eating and a million different other habits of hidiousness.

he was very gullable as well, my other flatmate made 'hilarious' prank calls that convinced him his life was in danger. i however just convinced him that guiness is made my irish peasants treading peat in big vats

(

monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:02, archived)

Isn't

it?

(Surgeon_General, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:01, archived)

it was a double bluff

of course it is.

(

monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:11, archived)

Saw the topic, searched for Dog, and it didnt let me down! Cheers Stark!

Ahhh, good old Dog. Hs nickname was actually Cod, cos it was his surname only shortened, but we all called him Dog as it suited him more!

Lived in the house with me and "Stark" and a few others for a year. During that time, not once was his window opened. It didnt help matters that he spanked the monkey (burped the bishop, played the flesh flute, whatever you like to call it) at least three times a day. the stink was horrid.

Being from sheffield, i think he had a thing about not wasting water. though he did it to such a point as he didnt have showers or baths. in fact me and Stark had to go and purchase some water pistols and when he emerged from his room, we would squirt him from behind an upturned sofa, hoping he would get the message.

He used to buy whole avocado pears, and eat them raw, scooping the innards out with a spoon, then scraping his teeth over the skins.it looked foul, and to this day, i just cant eat guacamole, as it reminds me of him.

we had ways of getting him back though. we got loads of free stuff (catalogues, cds, bibles, private detective pamphlets etc) sent to him. not a day would go by when he didnt receive something. We also managed to get a free sample of ferret food for him... hehehehe... he used to love eating wheetos, and we got the packet of foul smelling + shaped ferret food and put them in his wheetos... he took the packet out, emptied them into a bowl and ate them in from of us. he said something tasted strange, and me and Stark were trying not to kill ourselves with laughter. he then went on to say he thought of writing to the manufacturers and complaining that his weetos tasted funny and were a different shape!

We were watching a porn documentary on channel 4 (yeah, i know, nothing else was on, honest!) when a porn shop in London was shown. he then said "ive been there!" and proceeded to show us his purchase, a magazine of women, who if they had a large scoop/spoon in their hand would have doubled up quite well as a JCB! they were huge! and some of the pages were stuck together! euuuuch!

the flatmate that made the prank calls was me! i couldnt resist. i used to go home at weekends, to work, and one night i thought i would have a bit of fun. i started by phoning up to ask to speak to Johnny, then getting all irate when Johnny (who didnt exist) wouldnt come to the phone. then about 3 mins after i had put the phone down, i rang back and said i was Johnny, and was there any phone calls for me.. "Johnny" got mad at Dog, and said that he had a mate in BT who could tell me what his name was and where he lived.. he fell for it! I rang him back the next day to tell him who he was, where he was, and to watch out! i eventually told him that it was me and he was a bit upset, understandably.. but then he did drive me, "Stark" and quite a few other people mad over the course of the year!

(Inflatable Aardvark, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 1:25, archived)

hey mate,

haha, i mentioned the free crap and the ferret food on the worst prank thread. forgot all about the water pistols though.

also didn't mention piling all the furniture in the flat up against his door, trapping him in. and on a different occasion, accidentally smashing his door in. er two separate occasions.

hmm, aardvark and myself are probably in this thread somewhere as the subjects.

in our defence he did used to eat smoked mackrel in the same way as the avocardos. it would send me running, throwing up from the room at the sight.

(

monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:05, archived)

yay

i turn on the radio at the exact words of '...ing ferret food' i feel all warm and fluffy.

(

monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 16:40, archived)

Well....

Searched through the rest of the message board.. no other mention of ferret food..

Can anyone else confirm whether the Dog story was on air?

(Inflatable Aardvark, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 0:45, archived)

no it really was

they talked about the jcb comparisons of dogs ladeeez of choice.

what the _fuck was that phone call i got on saturday by the way?

(

monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 12:44, archived)

Some friends of mine at Uni woke up

one night at about 3am to find their housemate redecorating the walls with toilet paper.

She was taken away and placed in a room with lovely mattress-themed wallpaper apparently.

(

chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:43, archived)

Yay

Another flatmate going mad

(

ilovemy5dollarhorse All things considered, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:45, archived)

ha ha.

One of my mates sectioned his housemate. Tight fucker.

(

Dr Nick Riviera, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:46, archived)

I used to have a flat make who was incredibly offended when I kissed my girlfriend

she used to think nothing of having blazing rows with her then boyfriend (who was on trial for attempting to murder his then wife and children) in front of everyone for hours and hours, but thought it was completely inappropriate for me and my girlfriend to kiss or cuddle in public. One day she stormed out of the kitchen and we didn't see her for a week, all because my girlfriend had bumped her head on a cupboard and I kissed it better...

I once had a flatmate who tried to stab me with a pen knife, but was too drunk to find my room. I'd much rather live with him again than her.

Again (like last week) not a very interesting story, but honestly the worst flatmate I ever had.

(

Prof UnderCover evitable, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:45, archived)

My Irish stalker

(sorry - should say my fat, ugly, psychotic irish stalker). I made the mistake of moving in with a load of friends and the guy mentioned above who was a friend of a friend. He actually bugged my room and told everyone bits of conversations he had overheard, he tried very hard to split me and my boyfriend up, took pants of mine off the washing line and when i found out filled my room (which was locked at the time!) with loads of red roses to apologise...!! When said apology was refused, he trashed my car and put posters up of me in the local pub with my mobile phone number. Anyway want to know his name so you can make ure you dont work with him or make the horrible mistake of ever living with him???

(Tabilda Been away a LONG time *grovels*, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:53, archived)

Sorry about dat!

So I am so I am!

(

Danblez, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:54, archived)

good story

but I think it's best to keep full names out of these stories to prevent any nutters getting annoyed...

(

rob, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:55, archived)

agreed

wouldnt want to inflict him on anyone else!!!!

(Tabilda Been away a LONG time *grovels*, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:20, archived)

my ex-housemate

pissed in to 5 litre plastic milk bottles rather than walk upstairs for a piss. he had a cupboard full of them.
another housemate in the smae house used to bring prostitutes back. what a cranberry

(

Spoon, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:54, archived)

did you share?

the women, i mean, not the bottles of piss.

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:58, archived)

(

Spoon, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:08, archived)

Did you get cheap seconds?

(

Danblez, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:58, archived)

and no

(

Spoon, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:08, archived)

Where are all these people

coming from?

(

dotmund .co.uk, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 9:52, archived)

i think

you answered your own question there, with your name underneath

(

manolith hooray for me, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:16, archived)

hmmmm...

flat i lived in a few years ago - i'd just started a new job & was looking for a flat, one of my new colleagues needed someone to fill a room in his flat so i took it, he seemed like an ok guy.
so, moved in with him, his girlfriend, and their mate from years back. they all turned out to be freaks. the couple were one of these couples who were just together out of habit, they didn't seem to like each other much. she used to phone him up when he was on a day off work, and he'd respond with something like 'what you phoning me now for, i'm watching a video! fuck sake.' charming really.
and the 2 guys were borderline alcoholics (made more fun by me being teetotal). so they used to come in about 1.30 nearly every morning utterly drunk, and either: sing, play football/rugby, wrestle, or worst of all amusingly pretend to have sex with a large cardboard cutout of gillian anderson they kept in the hallway. every bloody night.
eventually the guy i worked with quit his job, he just wasn't able to keep it together. also his ashen face & the way he would tremble uncontrollably were putting off the customers. he was unemployed for the 3 months or so until i moved out of the flat - this was during winter, and he used to spend his days at home, with the central heating full blast, and gas fires on in 2 rooms, walking around in his pants. after i moved out they tried to hit me with a gas bill for over £500. ha.

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zerolicious, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:58, archived)

not strictly flatmates

but the flat i lived in after that, my flatmate - who really was a lovely girl - had terrible taste in men. for nearly 2 years she went out with this guy who was just the saddest individual i have ever met. he was 27, hadn't held a job down *ever*, had no desire to get one, had no social skills, could always be relied on to say the wrong thing, was so clumsy he could be guaranteed to trip over or break something every time he was in the flat. he lived in a manky house with about 7 other people, so naturally he'd take the opportunity to stay at ours whenever possible.
he only washed from week to week, so he stank the place out a bit, he never cleaned up after himself, never did any dishes, bought a guardian every day (in the vain hope it might make him intelligent) and constructed a mountain out of them in the living room. he was there for a over a year, and never paid a penny in bills or rent.
oh yeah, his mum used to phone up looking for him too, usually when he was never there, and then he'd never phone her back when i passed messages on. so every time she called & i answered, she'd accuse me of lying to her about asking him to call. which was nice.
and for some reason whenever i bump into him in the street, he still seems to think i'll want to chat to him.

after my flatmate had finally dumped him, she ended up going out with a proper crusty - i swear this is true, he used to go up to 6 MONTHS without washing. you could tell he'd been in the flat hours after he'd left by the smell, and whenever he was round i'd end up having to eat me dinner in the bedroom coz having to inhale his stench whilst eating was enough to make me bowk.

i live alone now...

(

zerolicious, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:09, archived)

Sounds like you are describing my brother

but he is only 19 but all of the above - bless him

(minikins, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:40, archived)

We had a succesion of dodgy house mates

One of them liked closing doors.

If you got up in the middle of the night to use the loo or get a drink, if you left any doors open he would pop out of his room and close them, no matter what time it was.

Another had about 6 mobile phones, all on different networks, so he could chat to his mates on their different phones, on the same network. he used to talk very loudly on the phone outside my room (god knows why he couldn't do it in his own room, seeing as it was a mobile phone) to each of his girlfriends telling her she was special, and how much he loved her, then onto a mate telling them what a stupid cow girlfriend A was, and girlfrined B almost found out about girlfriend C, and what was he going to do. he also seemed incapable of going to the loo in the loo - he just saw the bathroom as one giant loo, and liked to give all parts of the floor a fair share.

Another one was german, and had no pots or pans of his own and ate out of a metal dog bowl. Wer had no problem sharing the saucepans, but it got a bit much when he almost started crying because he couldn't cook his dinner because there were no pans clean. Possibley becasue we we actually using them to cook our own dinner - but that didn't appear to matter.

(Flower has a new job!, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 14:59, archived)

odd....

i have a thing about open doors..... even if i can't see the door or didn't notice it opening i can feel that it is open... and it's a horrible feeling... i have to close all the doors to the room i'm in...

(hingesII, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:53, archived)

me too

it's really odd.

(Jimmaw, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 19:14, archived)

Door closers

I'm one of them, I can't help it. Anyone ever notice no-one thinks it's odd if you're a cupboard door closer?

(carpediem, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 17:50, archived)

door/drawer closers

Nah, door closers are all fawking strange. My ex-GF, who had pretty much decided she lived with me, was a compulsive door closer. I could be cooking dinner for her and she'd come up and shut the cupboard door or a drawer or whatever if I left it open even if I was going to put something back right away.

(mazo, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 23:34, archived)

sounds like

a very mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder to me. It's very common.

(myngemold, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 13:43, archived)

When I was at uni

I lived with 3 other people in a fab flat. Because I'd found the flat (and also was the only domesticated one among us and came complete with kitchen utensils), I had the biggest, nicest room.

I dropped out of my course, and found myself with a room to shift or I'd have to pay for the entire term, but my previously pleasant flatmates decided that due to me 'stealing' the frying pan (that I'd brought with me - never mind all the other kitchen stuff which was mine) when I left, they'd break into my room and one of them moved into it, swapping it for a small, poky, damp room she'd painted lime green in a moment of madness.

As if this wasn't going to make it hard enough to fill the room, they made extra sure by throwing beer cans and fag ends at whoever came round to the house to look at the room until they went away.

They cost me a grand, and all for a frying pan, bastards!

(

kitty_cat, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:01, archived)

We had a charming chinese postgrad

who stopped being charming as soon as he moved in.

We decided he must have been suffering from an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

He would only leave the house by the backdoor and only enter via the frontdoor, regardless of which was nearer or more convenient.

He objected to people using rooms for other than their "designated use". Quite what that meant I still don't know, but he objected to people eating in the living room and to people NOT eating in the dining room.

He wouldn't enter the kitchen if someone else was in there, even if, as happened one time, his dinner was gently burning on the stove. He then freaked out because I'd touched the pan with his dinner in it.

He would play loud music late at night to "punish us" for talking in the hall.

The final straw came when I came down to the kitchen to find most of the contents of the bin all over the floor with a note on the table accusing people of putting rubbish in HIS bin, which he wasn't responsible for. He'd placed a shopping bag on the back of the door and designated it his own personal bin without actually telling anyone.

We used to put all sorts of horrible cack in the bag just so he'd have to scoop it out again... but finally realised we'd descended ot his level and asked him to leave.

It's wierd looking back on it that we didn't chuck him out earlier - but the descent into madness was pretty gradual. By the time we noticed, we were actually quite scared of him as he was so completely unfathomable.

When he left, he threw away all his bed clothes, his duvet, trainers, all the cases from his CDs, his crockery and his cooking stuff - filling the wheelie bin with stuff.
We ended up taking it all to a charity shop.

(

chthonic, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:03, archived)

we had bin related flatmate problems.

We lived in a four bedroomed flat, but there were only 3 of us, so we had to have odd people in the 4th room. One guy refused to empty the bin, coz most of the rubbish in it wasn't his. We tried topoint out that we weren't one single entity, and that most of the rubbish wasn't mine, and most of it wasn't actually any single persons - but he refused to believe us.

(Flower has a new job!, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:08, archived)

Exactly

I think this is where his bin thing stemmed from - we were pretty lazy at emptying the damn thing anyway, but the shouting and arguing came about because we put rubbish in his bin.

As with all the problems, they were things he'd decided upon but not told anyone else about.

I once asked how his PhD was going and he stopped, sighed, turned around and stared at me. Then he very slowly said, "That. Is. None. Of. Your. Business."

Nice chap.

(

chthonic, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:23, archived)

more bin problems

I currently live in a small apartment complex. There is a huge communal dumpster and several communal recycling bins in the parking lot. My apartment is all of fifty feet away from aforementioned receptacles (sp?), and yet my roommates insist on leaving bags of trash and/or recycling on our front porch for two to three days at a time. Honestly, if the dumpster were any closer it would be in our front yard. It's not exactly invigorating excercise to walk all the way to the dumpster with a full bin liner in your hand.

At night, the feral cats come. They chew the bin liners open or rummage through the bags of recycleables, looking for tasty tidbits to snack on. When they find the half-eaten tins of cat food that Lord Spoiled Prince Kitty (not mine, obviously) turns his nose up at, they dig in, the motion of their eating pushing the tins across the concrete porch makes these wierd scraping/chewing noises. It's not all that bad, especially when I convince myself I don't have to clean it up, but when you wake at 2am to hear a metal scraping sound on right outside your window it can be quite scary.

Now the little bastards have taken to appearing on our porch during the daytime. They look at me inquisitively, as if to say "Well? Where's the food, bitch?" Have they no shame?! And even after the rubbish has been desecrated by the local cats, my roommates will still leave it out another day or two. I guess rubbish, like wine, has to fully mature.

(Mabel DelTaco, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 21:15, archived)

I thoroughly enjoy

the use of the word "rubbish." It's such a nice word for such a nasty item.

(Elronds_Twins, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 7:41, archived)

Worst housemate ...

...I had was a huge bloke called John. When we interviewed him (landlord chaired it and everything - very odd) he seemed like a nice bloke, bit of a rugger bugger but no-ones perfect. He mentioned that he sometimes worked from home and had the odd friend over, no problem as others in the house did the same.

About a week after he moved in we discovered he was stone deaf, worked as a salesman for a job and shouted for England. He had a landline installed in his bedroom and carried two mobiles about. He'd get up about 6.00am every morning, we knew this as from three floors down I could tell which TV channel he was watching - the horrible, horrible bastard! Every bloody weekday. He'd then proceed to shout into his various phones until the small hours.

To make matters worse I'd come home sometimes for lunch to find him and a few 'business colleagues' cooking up my fucking dinner after their meetings. This progressed to him getting keys cut for his business partners who'd randomly turn up to check for faxes and not at all to watch cable all day at our expense while they dreamed up get rich quick schemes.

He'd frequently hold dinner parties which he forgot to tell us about, the whole lounge would be packed with the most appaling hooray henrys bleating on about farms and the like

Everyone in the house naturally hated him and although we told him to bugger off he didn't budge. I moved out soon after I understand that once the landlord actually picked up his answer phone messages from us he fucked him off out of it in no uncertain terms.

Ok rant over.

(Muz, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:36, archived)

So what excactly did he expect you to do

in the living room?

(Seebeedee, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:13, archived)

I dunno

he would never set foot in there if people were in there, much like the kitchen.

Seeing as we were always in there (the biggest, nicest room in the house - upstairs with a huge bay window looking south over Cambridge) he probably never went in there at all.

(

chthonic, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:47, archived)

A friend had a french couple in his house

sharing a big double room.

They didn't come out much except to eat, and that was usually when nobody else was around. However they'd regularly leave the kitchen in a mess and never did the washing up.

So, as a household, they asked them to please do the washing up occasionally, m'kay?

Amazingly, this worked and for the next few days, the washing up was always done come morning.

Then they couldn't find any mugs to make tea, nor any plates... it turned out the couple had merely bagged up the dirty plates in bin bags and dumped them at the end of the garden.

(

chthonic, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:08, archived)

hahahahah

sorry. ahem. I mean - damn fools ! what the fook is that all about ?!

(JBoom, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:13, archived)

hehe

i lived in the same house as a chinese couple. the bloke seemed nice enough, but didn't speak much english and i didn't see him much. i saw his wife even less, and when i did occasionally see her in the hall she would scream and run in to their room. this happened every time i saw her in the six months i lived there. it made me a little paranoid after a while.

(

Spoon, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:19, archived)

i hate ginger racist bastards...

whilst i was in halls we had this one lad who was generally a nice enough bloke and didn't mean any harm but was an absolute cock.

there was a period where we would play goldeneye loads, and he was crap at it. so, during the exam period, he borrowed the n64 and would practice on it all the time. you could hear him down the corridor, the music playing and the occasional gunshot, then every now and again, you'd hear him swear his head off when he got killed for the umpteenth time. he was also heard to blame the asian community for his inept gameplaying skills...

needless to say, we ended up living him for 3 fucking years, which was nice.

some of the gems from that period include such culinary delights as his fish finger curry, some pasta/mushroom soup slop, and crisps arranged on a plate when he fucked up his proper meal. (he once blamed the fact that they were irish sausages every time he burnt them; even though he'd leave them for on the hob for an hour and watch tv)

his n64 playing never ceased, insisting on playing whilst we were all sat in there, wanting to watch tv. or he'd play into the early hours, keeping me up with his swearing.

coupled with the usual not cleaning or washing up, or paying for any shared stuff like bread and milk cos he said he couldn't afford (we found out he put all his loan into an isa the tight bastard) he'd come out with all sorts of right wing views his dad had brainwashed him with (his dad happened to work at ford during the scandal of airbrushing the non white staff out of some photo)

the last time i heard of him was that he was a picker/packer at argos.

(sunny chiba, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:28, archived)

hmmm

we had an african girl in halls who would cook big pots of black gloop every mealtime, which stank to high heaven.

one of our good friends was a nightmare as a flatmate, he came in pissed one night, decided to start boiling a pan of water for a boiled egg, then wandered off to bed. I came down in the morning to a house full of smoke, the gas hob had been burning on full power ALL night, a black scorched pan, a stench of teflon and a black wall. He also woke us up by banging on the door at 5.30am one morning, covered in his own blood and no idea how it happened. Finally, he was having a laugh one day and threw a bottle of tomato ketchup across the kitchen for "no apparent reason". Everything was covered in glass and gloop :(

(nutty_nut_nuts, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:09, archived)

here's a story

about Monk3ySpunkMop3d - a fellow b3tan and my housemate. I would like to point out that he is not a "Flatmate from Hell" he is very muchly funny and we have a rosy household - but this one time....

It was the usual drinking on a Friday night with late night disco till 2am. Me and my girl went home early and fast asleep we where when Monk3ySpunkMop3d came home.

We arose in the morning to find....mud.

Mud ALL OVER the bathroom. Mud on the landing. Mud all down the stairs and a big streak of it along the wall where he had obviously dragged himself upstairs. Mud all in the hallway and we open the door to find - suprisingly - it was covered in mud. Top to bottom.

Eventual Monk3ySpunkMop3d wakes up looking very confused. We question him to the mud and of course he as no memory of it whatsoever. On closer inspection we see....MUD ! In his hair, in his ears, up his nose, in his pockets, shoes, wallet - everywhere !!!

To this day, we still don't know what happened.....goddam we wish we knew. I think he is lucky to be alive, he had obviously been submerged somewhere very nasty indeed :)

Hoorah Monk3ySpunkMop3d. A job well done.

(JBoom, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:11, archived)

Bert

Student digs on Divinity Road in Oxford. Huge house (7 students), with a sitting tenant called Bert.

Bert washed everything with bleach: Pots, pans. He very very rarely used the bathroom. We were worried he used bleach for himself too.

He had a video tape which he had pretty much ready at all times to tape any TV programmes featuring nudity or sex scenes. He was 50+, had done up the room rather impressively, and was just a little weird.

It was a good house mind. It's just Bert freaked us all out, especially the poor girl who's room was next to Berts.

(BOFH, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:14, archived)

and another one

my friend and I had a girl move in as we needed 3 for a student house. She turned out to be a mega wierdo.

She would bleach everything in the kitchen and leave it stinking of bleach. She would sit and smoke in the living room even though we said it was only in bedrooms. She would go out of the house for the day and leave the door WIDE OPEN, not just unlocked. Thank god we were in. She hardly ever spoke to us and had a wierd bloke with dodgy knock off gear.

Once I came home one day and I could smell gas, so I said I was going to phone British Gas's emergency line. She shrugged and disappeared to her room, switching on several lights, then came back down to the living room and SPARKED UP A CIGARETTE!

(nutty_nut_nuts, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:18, archived)

I used to live

I've lived in various shared accomodations in my time, but only a few cases spring to mind. I must have been lucky.

CASE 1

When I moved in, there was a girl living in a room at the front on the first floor. She was large and scary, and never quite seemed to get the fact that living in a shared place was a little bit of give and take.

About 2 weeks after moving in, a couple of my friends came to visit to see the place, and we quickly legged it up the pub for a couple of Sunday-night beers. We got back at about 10pm, and near the doorstep something funny was said, and they both started laughing. Loudly.

The following morning I was confronted with large and scary girl who was screaming at me because our laughter had woken her and her boyfriend up, and he'd woken with such a start that he'd damaged the muscles in his neck. By all accounts he'd been taken off to hospital, he wasn't going to be able to play county cricket any more, and she was going to do as much to make sure I was kicked out of the house and was to be sued for financial loss.

I spend the next week bricking it (though working for lawyers myself I had sound legal advice to hand). Strangely enough, when I did see her boyfriend he didn't look anywhere near as bothered by it, and I just said "sorry about that", and he said "S'ok".

To this day, I'm still more worried about the fact that they were in their early/mid-20s and in bed to actually sleep at that time of night, rather than have wild rampant monkey-sex.

But then again, she was scary.

(Glis, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:18, archived)

CASE 2

In the same house toward the end of my tenancy, another guy moved in. Was friendly enough, but I always felt a little on edge with him as he was like a powder keg waiting to explode.

He was clean to the point of obsession, and hated the fact that the place did not remain spotless 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. By this point I was 'in charge' of the house and the bills much to my deep regret, so if anything was going wrong I was the first port of call.

As time went on, he became more and more eratic, and on several occasions came up to my room and physically threatened me over a noise that was coming from my place but could never be traced. Eventually, I found out was was a freezer two floors below me causing the noise, which just about appeased him.

It was around this time he moved into a room near the back of the house, and was put on long-term sick leave due to "depression". He started telling me that the place was being "watched from the skies", and had managed to somehow destroy about £3000 of reinforced laptop because people were keeping track of what he was doing through it even though it wasn't on.

He also destroyed a few CDs I'd lent him on the ground I was using them to keep tabs on him as well, and that they were communicating back to the satellite beacons positioned above the house. It was hard to know what to expect one day to the next, but it was obvious he was becoming more aggressive with it each day, and his girlfriend was also greatly concerned.

Needless to say, I didn't really want to live with an utter schitzo any more, so I made alternative arrangements, and moved to a new place with my girlfriend and a mate of ours.

I later found out that our landlord had booted him out of the place about a month after that.

I'd imagine that was probably just before he redecorated everything he owned with tin foil.

(Glis, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:25, archived)

CASE 3

Nick lived in the room next to me (same place again).

He was old, rather dodgy, but a friendly person in small doses. He'd get drunk a hell of a lot and come and sit in my room with me and another flatmate called Neal (who was conversely a top geezer).

He'd constantly force cannabis, cigars, and stuff like that onto us whilst drunk in return for us having to endure him telling us the same story 15 times in slightly different ways. He claimed that he didn't agree with drugs, but "if we ever wanted anything he could get it for us".

He would eat Edam, Baked Bean, Gherkin and tuna sandwiches.

But his piece de resistance was getting very drunk, falling asleep and leaving his stereo on very loud, and on repeat.

There is no words that can describe how emotionally crippling 9 solid hours of being forced to listen to "Sacrifice" by Elton John can be.

(Glis, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:30, archived)

Maybe it can't be desscibed - but can be matched.

We lived in the basement of a town house in Bristol. The rest of the house was one big shared house - full of students. Male students. 10 of them. Their sitting room was right above our bedroom, and there is no way in the world 10 lads and their mates and girlfriends can watch TV togetehr quietly. Most of the time we just put up with it - it wasn't excessive noise - just lads being lads. Until one night they left the TV on full volume - with a play station attached - on the intro screen. I have no idea what game it was, but the music just went round and round and round.

We tried banging on the door and shouting at them - but they never heard us :(

(Flower has a new job!, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:41, archived)

curry

I dont suppose you lived behind a curry house did you?

(magicbadger, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:24, archived)

Mebbe - are you my stalker?

(it was a very good curry house though!)

(Flower has a new job!, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:51, archived)

mr poo

wooo, maybe, I dunno. Wouldnt be a very good one, what with the size of my nose and all.

Just as long as you're taking care of the N64, thats all ;)

(magicbadger, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:46, archived)

why ello there Mr Poo

We had a strange suspicion it may be you.

Where are you/what are you up to? haven't heard from you in a while.

The N64 is happy as larry.

(Flower has a new job!, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:13, archived)

well, hellooooooo thar

Have moved from behind said curry house, and are now next door to a cooked-breakfast emporium :o) (aka. the York Caff - or however you spell cafe without the 'e')

Where are you working now then ? s'been ages since we went t'pub at lunch-time

(Pan Dimensional Mouse Currently existing in 13 dimensions as of, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:18, archived)

and how cool

You find an ex-flatmate on a thread about flatmates!

(Flower has a new job!, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:16, archived)

I lived above one once...

stank to high heaven, at the time I was too out my tree to care though

Ahhh...

The old days!

(Ozimandius, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:18, archived)

Pavlov's students

When I was in halls at Nottingham University, a friend of mine went away for the weekend, leaving the Shostakovich waltz from Eyes Wide Shut on repeat at full volume. He came back three days later to find us all glazed over and sleep deprived, having failed to break into his room to stop it.

For the next few weeks, he'd hum the opening bars, then laugh while 6 or 7 of us hummed the rest of it. Later he told me it was an experiment to see how simple it would be to condition peolple like Pavlov's dogs. Apparently, it was all too easy. Little cranberry.

(Lapin, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:29, archived)

why didn't someone turn the stereo off??

(anotheradam, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 3:24, archived)

Bit hard

When it's behind a locked door

(Glis, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:29, archived)

You could've

Flick the fuse off?

(conuil, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 17:03, archived)

Farkin' hell, Glis

You've lived with a few nutters, haven't you?

(Rev. Otana, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:52, archived)

i lived with a prog rocker....

Not only were we subjected to hideous shite music but....
he was a scabby zeppelin who used to leave a thick layer of skin/hair/smeg in the bath after he finished - EVERY FUCKING MORNING! - i mean how much smeg can one man produce during a day? obviously quite a lot in this blokes case...

(

buckets, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:38, archived)

An old housemate of mine bought a Chinchilla to impress his girlfriend as to his sensitive side.

But rather than keep it in his immaculate room, he kept it in the hall, where it would throw sand and shit from the confines of it's cage.

He went away for a two week holiday without telling any of us and we had to feed it for him (and pay for it's food).

It then vanished shortly after he stopped seeing this girl. When we asked him why he said he'd taken it to the vet for a check up and he'd had to have it put down as it had a 'collapsed lung'

What a cranberry.

(

gingerbenji wrote a book http://goo.gl/8UiGjd, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:43, archived)

Shared a hall of residence with...

...a MASSIVE cockney bloke called Andy, who claimed to be 30 but looked a good 10 years older.
6 months down the line we found out the reason for his general grizzledness.
Every night he would trundle down to oddbins and purchase 4 litres of White Lightening which he would then proceed to drink alone in his room, which could only be distinguised from a landfill site by the fact that even the rats and seagulls drew the line at eating anything from his room.

He would develop random crushes on various female members of the household and then threaten violence when his advances were inevitably rebuffed, stole stuff from the kitchen, and I'm not just talking the usual milk and cheese, oh nooooo, if someone lft their jacket, underwear, regardless of the size or sex of the person wearing it(on the radiator to dry, obviously - the kitchen was too foul most of the time to think about indulging in filthy ape sex in there), college bag or cat in there overnight then it would never be seen again, having been taken into his room, never to be seen again.

We never found out what happened to these items once they got into his room. We even broke in once to look for our stuff to no avail.

And then there was the incident where in a fit of rage over his latest crush going wrong he smashed up his desk light and room light fixture and then had to complete his assignment by the light of his telly.

Which he insisted on having at top volume for the 10 hour night shift he put in to complete said assignment.

And the fact the fact that the corrifdor in which he resided permenently stank of stale cider and unwashed feet.....

Oh and, he used to phone you up at 4 in the morning on the internal phones the halls had to ask you for advice in affairs of the heart or to moan about his latest crush going sour....

(

Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:54, archived)

Was this

At Keele?

(scruffy, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 7:40, archived)

One of my housemates...

... has a drumkit. And is currently playing it. It pisses me off no end. Boom, tish, boomboom tish. For fucking ages. He's a sound bloke, but it's probably the most annoying thing in the history of the world.

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:56, archived)

go and kill him

or chop off one of his arms, that'll stop him.

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 15:59, archived)

Do you suggest

a shallow grave? I can't be arsed to dig very deep.

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:04, archived)

yes.

in a wooded glade.

miles for anywhere.

that's where i left them, no one will find them for ages...

(

Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:09, archived)

(Seebeedee, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:28, archived)

if you cut off one of his arms,

he'll have to become a drummer for some crap soft-metal band.

(

jonas is not my name, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:32, archived)

having one arm

didn't stop that cranberry from def leppard

edit: that'll teach me not to read ahead

(

Hankster, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:35, archived)

have you never heard of...

def leppard? their drummer only had one arm

(sunny chiba, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:20, archived)

Didn't Stop

That annoying fucker out of Def Leopard....

(Speculum, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 20:54, archived)

That shows the importance of seat belts

When his car crashed, he wasn't and was thrown clear, loosing his arm. His girlfriend was wearing hers, killed instantly.
If only he'd been wearing one, we wouldn't've have to put up with that dogshite from Leppard...

(

Whillow, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:41, archived)

mindpiss

anyone?

(

Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:45, archived)

*sigh*

damn, went to the trouble of registering to use the message board to say the geezer out of def leppard has only one arm, only to scroll down and find lots of people have had the misfortune to listen to the 'lepperd' .. dogs of war anyone... ??

(rich909, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:21, archived)

add razor blades to his sticks?

Boom boom riiiiiip.

(

rob, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:03, archived)

he he he

you have no idea how appealing that sounds...

(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:08, archived)

Re: One of my house mates...

Could this be me by any chance?? Although i can't think which other housemates of mine would use this board!
Anyway, sorry if it is me!

(BigTommyM, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:26, archived)

You know, you

don't need to put 're' as your title. The position of your post shows that it's a reply. Most people use it as the beginning of a sentence.

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 22:14, archived)

ffs

leave him/her alone.

(

cupboardy, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 18:15, archived)

Heh

My mate had a weird room-mate at Uni.

The very first night they all got steaming drunk. Ed woke in the middle of the night to findy matey laying a rather large log on a chair in the middle of the room.

Funnily enough it never got any worse than that, but not a great way to start Uni.

I'm lucky that I always had a single room at halls. Not lucky was the bird underneath when I chucked up out of the window after a particularly large sesh. She had her window open and it all went down the inside. I got a bit told off for that!

All the other flatmates I lived with were fine, including Ben the mad Vegan and Jon who paid the rent but slept at his girlfriends all the time instead.

(antonye, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:04, archived)

talking of logs

my flatmate at my current halls of residence, came back on the second night of being here totally shitfaced (apparently, I wasn't there after leaving him after drinking two pints of guiness simultaneously and feeling ill), not being able to find his keys for his room, and badly needed the toilet. SO, he pissed into his shirt in the hallway, which was placed in the sink, and then curled one off into the oven. The girls in my flat spent most of the night dissinfecting everything, and when they told me about the event in the morning, I pissed myself (in a less literal sense). This guy hasn't stopped looking sheepish since, not that we see him much anymore.

(mister smang, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 20:01, archived)

Dirty flatmates

One guy I shared with in Tottenham used to wank in the sink - kitchen or bathroom, depending on availability. He was quite open about this. Another used to shit in the shower when drunk, purely because the toilet - a good foot away - was "Too far". Both sound blokes, though.

I moved to a house in Enfield. Where I found myself sharing with a fucking brute of a Greek who used to make werid manky food and leave it to rot all over the kitchen. She also made a habit of bringing back a different OAP (or what looked like OAPs) every weekend and fucking them silly, all the while making ridiculously overstated orgasmic noises. Bizarrely, we never saw any of them leave her room afterwards. Oh, and she used to talk to her other Greek friends in a really high-pitched nasal whining noise that didn't resemble anything like normal speech. The bitch.

(

Neth, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:06, archived)

I know which uni

you mean...I was there for four years a while back. You do get some freaky freakishness up that neck of the woods. In my first year I had to spend my first 6 weeks living with some old hag oop in the town. After finding her vaginal douche on the side of the bath one evening, I quickly made my excuses and moved into halls.

I got put into a flat with 6 female, irish nursing students. Christmas had come early...or so I though.

Something happens to Irish girls at uni...well the ones I met anyway. The could drink more than my Uncle Harry. They smoked more than than a suicide bomber. They swore more than a Grimsby fishwife.

Actually I fitted in really well....ignore me, it must be the crack.

(

Beejay Proper old bastard, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 9:56, archived)

THE ONE I HAVE RIGHT NOW!

I think she's actually retarded, she's so fucking stupid.
she's young and pretty so she thinks she can act like a princess, but she's really just a fucked-up moronic drunk.
she gets so drunk she falls off chairs and gets abrasions all over her face.
she gets drunk and crashes her car into construction sites.
she gets drunk and burns down her only friend's house by falling asleep while playing with candles.
she gets drunk and lets the drunk guys she takes home with her stumble into my room, wake me up, and ask me for weed. which I don't have. ever. and never did.
she often gets so drunk she walks through the house like a one-year-old taking her first steps in life.

she leaves her dishes on the table.
she leaves her make up bags on all the kitchen chairs (I still don't get that one)
she leaves her used qtips on the floor.
she leaves her shower stuff in my shelf. (always. god knows why)
she leaves huge puddles of water all over the house when she showers (I think she holds the showerhead the wrong way and is too stupid to notice, and just wonders how she manages to stay so dry when she showers)

she doesn't take the lid off the trash when she throws things away. she just throws stuff onto the lid of the trash (jesus! the stupidity!)
instead of taking out her own trash from her room, she just puts it in front of the front door, so someone else has to take it out if they want to use the door.
if she ever puts a dish in the dishwasher, she puts it in diagonally, so you have to take it out and put it back in again later.
she buys cheap crappy food and then eats my quality food, leaving hers to rot so I can throw it away for her weeks later. no, really. I mean, she buys diet margarine, and then finishes off a tub of my margarine, leaving mine untouched.
she takes my towel off the hook and throws it on the floor, because she likes the location of my hook better than any of the free ones.

she only listens to two songs, both really loud.
one for going out (benny benassi "satisfaction) and one for coming home drunk (louis armstrong "what a wonderful world")
over and over again. loud.
if I close her door, she opens it. again and again and again. until I kick it shut with my foot. sometimes that stops her.

if I try to talk to her about any of these things, she holds her hands to her ears and yells "la la la la! I hate conflicts! no arguing! I hate arguements! lalalalala I'm not listening!" and then she totters out of the room wobbling on her high heels.

WHY do I tolerate all this, you ask?
well, she's good friends with my other female roomate, who is very tidy and quiet, but who is psychotic and protects the drunken foolish one like a mother dragon.
me and the other male roomate are too scared of her to kick them both out. so we just have to tolerate having a roomate that makes living with a retarded child seem like a cakewalk.

(

zog why change it now?, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:10, archived)

Crikey

I feel for you, Zog. Especially the towel thing.

(

chthonic, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:26, archived)

is this the german lesbain art commune you said you lived in?

(

rob, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:26, archived)

One of them don't sound THAT ba...

oh ,wait...

(

Herr Tezcat, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:51, archived)

Why don't you

move out instead?

sounds fucking tough, though!

(weedom, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:48, archived)

Jesus man!

Just put on hoods, cave in the front door and make it look like a robbery, take anything not nailed down (including your stuff) and store it somewhere.

They should both be freaked out enough to move, which you should suggest as it is getting 'dodgy' where you live.

Give it a couple of weeks then move your stuff back in again.

(

Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:07, archived)

i would

(in fact i think i have)

(

alistair, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:31, archived)

Q-tip?

(

Banana, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 9:19, archived)

cotton

bud

(

dotmund .co.uk, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 9:57, archived)

Have you ever seen

one of those Gladiatorial sport shows from the 80's where two beefy guys wail on each other with large sticks padded at both ends?

Well, a Q-Tip is that stick, one thousand times smaller, and with cotton instead of foam padding at the ends. It's used to clean your ears.

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 22:20, archived)

blonde?

she must be blonde, never met a red head or brunnette that bad.

best revenge, wait till she goes out on the piss, make a really tasty looking meal, but lace it with laxative (don't eat it yourself) and leave the dippy cow to finnish it off.
if your lucky she'll be shitting and pucking, and it will put her off drinking alot for ages!!

(evil pete, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:12, archived)

wow,

what a really excellent idea!

(

zog why change it now?, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 1:46, archived)

Fucking

kill 'er mate. In fact I'm really rather suprised that you haven't already.
I feel your pain man!

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:29, archived)

Sort it out

Wait until she's out and just piss all over everything she owns. Bed, clothes, furniture, CDs, everything. She won't last long.

(poobah, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 14:50, archived)

reply

im sorry but are yoou about 12 years old?

(bobbinslass, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 23:15, archived)

reply

sorry yes meei am 12 years old yes.
are you also retard and haf to ware helmet?

(

zog why change it now?, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 1:47, archived)

I have a plan

Just kill her, all that stuff you could tolerate if you could scream in her face an tell her about it but the lalalala crap is just too much, hell I'll kill her for you, she's pissin me off already

(carpediem, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 19:30, archived)

I once let a friend

Sleep on my floor for a couple of weeks while he sorted out his accomodation. Needless to say this short stay turned into several months. He wasn't really nasty, or particularly mad, but he was just utterly useless. At pretty much everything.

He was a great cook though, even though he never washed up. He once ran out of money for food so I lent him a tenner for (as I thought) some pasta and a few cans of tomato. But oh no, this guy wanted to cook. So he went and bought a bunch of baby squid and fried them in garlic butter, leaving him no money to eat for the rest of the week. Worst of all there were no clean pans in the house so he fried in garlic butter direct on the hob. Which we had to clean.

He once walked in to a rather serious house meeting, sat down and proceeded to shotgun a can of lager and then get all ratty when we threw him out.

Mutual friends used to give him money and then try and find him a couple of hours later just to find out what sort of state he'd got himself into. The worst day was when we found him doing lines of coke off a table in a pub in front of the entire, horrified clientle.

The scariest thing he ever did though was to turn up in my room at about 3a.m. stinking drunk and covered in blood and oozing sores, waking me and scaring me witless in the process. I thought he'd got into a fight but it turned out he'd decided it's be fun to roll head first down a long, steep grassy bank. And I'm sure it was fun right up until the point he hit the tarmac road at the bottom of the slope head first.

The scary thing is he's a teacher now.

(MattDP (Squiggle), Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:12, archived)

teachers...

I used to be a teacher - before getting an even worse paid job as a PhD student. I always tell my mates that everything on Teachers is mild compared to some of the stuff I've seen, heard of or done. There was this house full of young teachers, and one guy came in so pissed up that he'd shit his trousers. Being (sort of) house trained, he put the trousers in the washing machine to clean them up. Unfortunately, the rest of the house woke up to find that he'd actually put the shitty trousers into the tumble dryer. Lovely.

And this was at a highly reputable public school!

(

randompunter, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:59, archived)

"And this was at a highly reputable public school!"

Probably explains the weak sphincter.

(

UncleLewy, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:00, archived)

HAHAHAHAHAHA

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D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:32, archived)

my ex-landlord

used to lie naked on his bed when my girlfriend visited.
let his cat piss all over the kitchen.
proudly displayed his life achievements on the wall (cycling proficiency test and 25 metre swimming certificate).
routinely dismantled his motorbike in the living room.
sexually harassed any female visitors.

in his defence, he was remarkably tolerant of my mates regularly crashing over, vomiting etc. and he had a good porn collection.

(breadtroll, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:13, archived)

I find

for the defence

(

Jacksonville Missed me fuckin Candles, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:58, archived)

i stayed there for 2 years

so i guess i did as well

(breadtroll, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 11:36, archived)

Flatmate from smell

A guy I lived with at Uni had his toilet blocked (god knows what with) and it flodded his room while he was asleep. A lot of his clothes were on the floor or in the bottom of his wardrobe and got covered. He just hung them on radiators until they were dry and then wore them as if nothing had happened. You could smell if he was on the same floor of the building as you.

(Animal the Muppet, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:17, archived)

in first year

one of my flatmates in halls was a crazy welsh slut named Steph. She spent lots of time fucking lots of different people and talking very loudly about complete shite to anyone she managed to corner.
At the begining of the second semester she went crazy. She started shouting in the middle of the night, and ended up running out of the house wearing only her nightie, telling people she was running away to Egypt. she didn't make it to Egypt, but a postcard came from the Channel Islands.
The university cleaned out her room so that soemone else could move in, and her mattress had to be replaced as she had worn it out with too much fucking.

(

mikeisbrill, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:29, archived)

The guy in the room next to me

in my first year at uni was very quiet. I shared a small cruddy kitchen with him, but never really saw much of him.

Until the summer, that is, when the university authorities threw him out as he'd completed his degree the previous year and they'd just noticed he was still there.

His parents had to come and take him home. Poor sod had been a bit scared by the whole "outside world" thing and just stayed in his room.

I feel like that occasionally :(

(

chthonic, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:51, archived)

Now

this is the best story I've read so far!

(

Ijon Tichy, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:23, archived)

and

the winner is!!!

brilliant
if only i had thought of that, D'oh

(evil pete, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:32, archived)

I wish

I'd thought of that.

Real life sucks...

(scruffy, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 7:47, archived)

steph

um, you're not at swansea institute are you?

(pomegranate, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:14, archived)

hehe, I am!

I knew a very similar girl who lived upstairs from me in Townhill last year - I can't remember her name now, but she was scary!

(

The Duke Of Your Fingers feels like an old man... mmm, tasty!, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 0:44, archived)

yep

Friend of an old workmate, scary bandana-wearing steph..small world eh. Nice to see some fellow SIHErs on here.

(pomegranate, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 21:36, archived)

i was...

left a few years ago

i remember a few nutters in halls at townhill

one woman was stalking some guy and locked him and one of his friends in his room and refused to let them out got all a bit serious and had to break door down after threats to hurt them

(

raw-edge, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 13:59, archived)

'She had worn it out from too much fucking'

That made me spray Pepsi across the room.
Woo!

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 1:49, archived)

too much fuckin

yeah, that one made beer come outta my nose. Congrats

(carpediem, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 19:38, archived)

i've never shared a flat

but my wife did in her student days. She shared with a bunch of Christian girls. They were very much against things generally accepted as student behaviour such as going out, having fun or having a night on the bevvy. It was so bad that my wife ended up not drinking for months for fear of disapproving Christian looks.

One day, on her birthday, she was feeling rather miserable about not being out getting pissed that the flatmates made her a nice meal and a cake.

Before they tucked in though, she had to read a passage from the bible at the head of the table.

(not_my_id, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:35, archived)

Not in flat

But the 5 girls I share the halls with. 2 of them never was up, leaving crap in the sink (not crap as in poo poo) I never see any of them, but I sometimes .."ahem" hear them.

Im all alone except on tuesdays and thursday nights :(

(

Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:41, archived)

ohh, i know the very person

Moved into a spare room in my last year at Uni. two lovely chaps, one complete nutter.

On three seperate occasions, he had to be persuaded not to set fire to the living room. The only persuasion that worked was that I was asleep upstairs.

He slept with a knife under his pillow and an air pistol under his bed.

He broke into the empty house next door "for a laugh" and proceeded to strip every single fixture and fitting from the place.

To get one of the other lads in the house back for some minor indiscretion, he pulled him out of bed by the feet, and proceeded to pull him down the stairs, face first, with a hand on the back of his head, which resulted in the loss of all the skin from my mate's face. He didnt leave the house for 3 weeks till the scabs had solidified some.

The nutter also tried to wake the same lad up by slapping him round the face. With his nob. Lovely chap!

(

Station, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:38, archived)

haha

the bloke i mentioned above had a penchant for carrying weapons. unfortunately, these included:

a lighter and a can of lynx
a small vegetable knife
a bottler opener

in his room he had a baseball bat, a golf putter, and he once thought someone was breaking in because he heard somebody at the door with manc accents, he woke me up, armed with a slipper, only to find it was our housemates from burnley and stockport...

(sunny chiba, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:32, archived)

hahaha

That made me spit my pizza on my monitor.

(Roland Deschain, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:30, archived)

in a bedsit in Didsbury

on the lower floor was this really unhappy couple in another bedsit.
We shared the bog on their floor, one evening i discovered it stuffed with a whoppping turd. OK, i thought, so i went and had a crap up the local pub bog.
Two days later, needing a midnight crap, i checked the bog, and it was half full.
Surely i assumed, they'd call the landlord to get a plumber in or do the decent thing themselves.
Nope.
One week later, i lifted the lid and nearly screamed.
Full bog.
Like a really big walnut whip with no walnut.

(Man in Japan, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:40, archived)

LOL

Bravo for making me shreek with laughter!!!

(Watermelons, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:44, archived)

eek!

omg so nasty
but so so funny

(bazmataz, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 22:04, archived)

Pantony

So called because he stole my girlfriend's pants, not to mention my "art" magazines.

He had obsessive compulsive Disorder, which did mean that our bathroom and toilet were always clean and tidy. Oddly his obsession with hygene did not extent to his teeth and every time we bumped into him since he had fewer of them.

But his OCD/going Schizo medication was definitely not compatible with alchohol and unfortunately Pantony liked a drink. A lot. He would come home late at night completely arseholed on pills and booze we would not be able to sleep because in his stupor he was lying in bed, perhaps asleep, perhaps awake(who knows?), bashing the radiator with his foot and singing "Don't You Want Me Baby" at top volume.

In the mornings we would go downstairs and find a plate of food he had got out of the freezer ready to microwave but then forgot about, including one time fish finger and mushy pea sandwiches.

but the killer was one time at about 2 in the morning my girlfriend woke me terrified as there was someone moving about on the top floor and saying something. I crept upstairs and it was Pantony. He was having a bath. At 2 in the morning. And shouting "watermelon off nigger die die die!" over and over again.

Other than that he was a very nice chap. a bit sad and desparate, but ok. His mate once gave me his watch in exchange for a spliff so he could get off with a girl.

(Lambkin, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:44, archived)

how odd. swearing has been censored. b3ta has been taken over by the daily mail.

He didn't used to shout "watermelon off", but "f.u.c.k. off"

(Lambkin, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:11, archived)

would have been even more funny though!

(Cockfosters!, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:20, archived)

But

I like mushy pea and fish finger sandwiches. And I don't think I'm alone in this...

(n1na1sapunk, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 21:49, archived)

Its funny how

'nigger' wasnt censored though...

(Belladonna, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 20:02, archived)

just a test

watermelon
fucker
fuckface
fucknut

edit:OMG you're right!
but what if I wanted to talk about a flatmate who was caught fucking a watermelon?

(trollbite, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:48, archived)

hmmmm

watermelon

Oh watermelon, I nearly believed you there ...

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:27, archived)

huh, what the watermelon?

it don't work' does it?

(bwana dik, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 21:21, archived)

what else is?

watermelon - F.U.C.K.
shit - S.H.I.T.
arse - A.R.S.E
dave - D.A.V.E
cranberry - C.U.N.T
bollocks - B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S
nipples - N.I.P.P.L.E.S
wank - W.A.N.K
vagina - V.A.G.I.N.A
pussy - P.U.S.S.Y
zeppelin - T.W.A.T
penis - P.E.N.I.S
crap - C.R.A.P
faggot - F.A.G.G.O.T
bastard - B.A.S.T.A.R.D

anything i've missed please add

(evil pete, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:53, archived)

you left one off ...

what about
cock-sucking-sheep-rooting-gobshite-trouser-bandit-spunk-gulping-knob-gobbler?

(boy with balls on chin just quit his job and is about to feck off travelling for 18 months, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 10:53, archived)

cranberry?

I've seen the word cranberry in a few odd contexts here today. Any idea what swearbot's up to there?

w.a.n.k.e.r = happy baby orangutan ???

(Gypsum Fantastic, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 12:00, archived)

oops!

It was cranberry!

Glad to have stumbled on the fact that happy baby orangutan gets replaced with happy baby orangutan though.

Aah, sweet serendipity.

(Gypsum Fantastic, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 12:02, archived)

Scumberside Uni

Lived with an utter paranoid happy baby orangutan. Beat up his girlfirend (who also shared the house)regularly, stole and read everyone's post, stole everyones food, ran up a fokken huge phone bill ringing his scaggy mate in New Zealand. He also Broke into the house next door, and hid his ill gotten gains in my room, whilst I was away. Oh and top this all 3 months after I left, I got a call form the police as they are trying to track him down as he had burnt the place down.

I hope the tw*t dies a terrible shitty death.

(DrinkatMoes, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:51, archived)

the swearing filter

really does make this story (and the previous) a little more surreal than they should be

(mikey, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:02, archived)

swearing filter?

watermelon shit wank cock cranberry bastard arse minge

(

chaotic_illuminator proud spacehopperist, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:14, archived)

Doesn't seem to work

very thoroughly, does it?

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 22:56, archived)

First year at Plymouth Uni

The smoke alarms went off because someone had tried to cook Smash by mixing it with cold water and putting it in the toaster.

Twice.

(

ALargeElk, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:54, archived)

what a star

(

rob, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:08, archived)

Ha ha ha

the best reason I ever heard for someone setting off a fire alarm was at uni, about 2/3am and as I passed the porter's office a rather drunk young chap was carefully explaining that he hit the alarm because it had been staring at him for some time...

(

Ijon Tichy, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:28, archived)

acid

surely

(

rob, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:21, archived)

fire alarm lesbian rescue

Im a lesbian but now but in my youthful and ignornant college days I was unaware or most probably in denial of this, our course was staying in a swanky hotel, I ended up in a room with a guy, just as we were about to "do it" the fire alarm went off and my virginity was saved, I met the guy who set off the alarm next year at uni and thanked him. Im 32 and just finnished my 2nd degree but am sorry to see the same flat mate nitemares still occur. Always, ALWAYS live on your own whereever possible

(bobbinslass, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 23:32, archived)

Too right

...I've made that mistake about 10-times now. Why?!?!

(DayvidBerdo, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 13:18, archived)

Robbins Halls perchance?

I bet it was

(Rychan, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 9:04, archived)

hurrah!

I went to Plymouth Uni too, but I'm a local so I avoided all that Halls/flatmate shit until my final year, when 4 of us friends from the same course moved into a lovely house together. It was all fine, no nasty habits or anything, the perfect houseshare experience. Except we fell out in the last week of our degree and i've not spoken to them since graduation 2 years ago...

(

notshiny, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:28, archived)

Hehe

on my boyfriends 2nd nite in his student accomodation, he came back to the place pissed out of his head as you do. stupidly, the people who designed the place put the lightswitch next to the fire alarm. it being dark and he being quite out of it, it was an easy mistake to make :) unfortunatly, the entire buildings surrounding it were evacuated and 3 fire engines turned up. the girls in the flat (the guys were ok bout it strangely :S)didnt talk to him for 3 days, and he nearly died of utter embarrassment.

Aaaah how i wish i had been there.

(Belladonna, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 20:12, archived)

not exactly a flatmate, but someone I was living with as a summer camp consellor

decided at 3 am (while stoned) to make a frozen pizza. There was no oven in the kitchen, so he stuck it directly on the disgustingly dirty burners. Fire alarm. 3 am. Two hundrend blind children woken up and scrambled down to the sports court in case we had to evacuate. They fired him a week later, only to find him several days after that living in the loft in cabin 9.

(

gracielou, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 21:10, archived)

I laughed

so hard at that one that I needed to go the toilet.

It was too far away though, so I just pissed in a 2-ltr coke bottle

(scruffy, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 7:52, archived)

>Deep Breath<

Flatmate No.1

Was a complete pyscho who would talk to himself in the bathroom, shouting "Hello!". Came in one night pissed, tried to cook burgers naked at four in the morning, and almost burned the flat down. He was shagging the other flatmate and when it all went wrong, it esclated into punch-ups, broken glass, suicide attempts etc. He left and was replaced by

Flatmate No.2

Who, after two months in the flat overdosed and had to be carted off to hospital. I hear she lived. Meanwhile,

Flatmate No.3

The ex-girlfriend of flatmate No.1, had found herself a new bloke and moved him in. He was ginger, Irish, stupid and smelly, sadly fulfilling every navvy stereotype. Typical behaviour included leaving stinking trainers in the kitchen, and on one occasion nicking four bottles of expensive Belgian beer from the fridge and when confronted, replacing them with cans of Heineken.

So I moved out. But did it get better? NOOOOOOOOO.

Flatmate No.4
Was also the landlady of the new place that I lived in. The merest transgression would result in a flurry of post-it notes about what had rattled her cage that day. A spoon unwashed? Toilet roll hung the wrong way? You name it. When I eventually escaped and wrote a cheque for the outstanding gas and electric, she complained that it only covered up to the Saturday, when in fact I was leaving on the Sunday.

Yes folks, she was haggling over my share of one day's electricity.

(

Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 16:56, archived)

Was this

in Cheshire, by any chance? I had a post-it passive-aggressive landlady.

(

Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:37, archived)

Me too

The worst was when he left one on the inside of the toilet lid to remind me and the other housemate to put the seat down. He refused to let us put the heating on even in December so our clothes took upwards of a week to dry. The smell of damp in the bathroom was utterly evil, and he still refused to heat the house even when we got an infestation of green slugs in there.
The worst flatmate ever was an aromatherapist who constantly smelt of pee for some reason. She repeatedly slept with my boyfriend of three years behind my back and very possibly in my bed. Not funny, I'm afraid but true, and it definitely comes under the 'bad housemates' category.

(oiseau, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 14:55, archived)

Not my Flatmates.. My Brothers

I spent a week with my brother in leeds during the summer. (Hes studying medicine.He wants to be a surgeon) His flatmates are the three scariest people i have ever met.
When i arrived there i was tired form a day on the trai so i went to bed relativly early. I was awoken by dave at 3am. He was demanding a pair of socks. being kind i gave them to him with no questions. I got them back at the end of the week soaked in dried blood.

Meals were a fun affair. They were always fried. That wasnt so bad. What was bad though was the fact they were cooked using forceps, served in kidney dishes and eaten with a scalpel and fork. One girl didnt eat what we did. She always ate soem brown goop, apparently she was alergic to sugar. I didnt see her much.
The last guy vernon obviously wasnt phased by me in the house and wandered around naked.
He would stand infront of the window for the world to see. Anyone who looked he would shout 'Do you want some!'
They would all practise stitches on each other mainly while drunk.

I really never ever want to be treated by any of them ... ever

(Cockfosters!, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:01, archived)

Mad Chris

Not strictly a flatmate, but still... When I first moved to London at the end of 1995, twuntishness on the part of my landlady-to-be meant I couldn't actually start living in my new flat until three weeks after I started the job that had prompted me to move in the first place.

After an unpleasant few days crashing with a FOAF in Stockwell, my old mate Ed offered to put me up at his place in West Hampstead instead. Woo hoo, I said, and packed up and left.

Two days after I started kipping there instead, there was a ring on the doorbell. It was Ed's friend Chris, who I had met once or twice in the past and who had struck me as a bit odd, to say the least - it could be bloody difficult to get his attention, for example, and he would occasionally laugh to himself in a non-reassuring manner.

As it turned out, what was happening was that he was on his way into full-blown schizophrenia, and was already at the "having quite animated conversations with Charlie Manson and Hitler" stage. Now, he wasn't too bad really, except...

(1) He smelt like he washed his hair in Münster cheese
(2) He regarded the bathroom as his special sanctuary, and was given to just sitting in it for hours on end doing absolutely bollock all, especially at useful times like when Ed and I were trying to get ready to go out to work. As a bonus, the fact that he sat in there for hours also gave the bathroom a semi-permanent ronk of goaty goodness.
(3) The first couple of nights he was staying, he decided to sleep on the very small landing. Which meant that you could only gain access to any room in the flat by stepping over the slumbering form of a smelly lunatic, who was given to yelling in his sleep if disturbed in any way.
(4) As is often the case with people who go over the edge, he had got quite into magic, and was given to working what he described as very evil spells in the kitchen, which usually involved breaking all the bottles and glasses he could get his hands on into the kitchen bin. This was a top-floor flat, so there were certain logistical difficulties inherent in trying to get a bin-bag full of broken glass downstairs to the bins.
(5) He liked a smoke, did Chris; in fact, if you were foolish enough to leave, say, a quarter in his immediate vicinity, he would generally pipe it within the space of half an hour.
(6) The one thing that made him tolerable was that he was obsessively clean, and would tidy and hoover the flat and clean the kitchen and bathroom with astonishing diligence. Unfortunately towards the end of his stay he took to doing this at three am. We were both sleeping in the living room, so I would occasionally wake up with someone I knew for a fact was getting more and more deranged by the second standing over me in his underpants, polishing a fistful of knives and cackling to himself over something particularly witty he had just said to Pol Pot.

(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:06, archived)

Pettiness

Last year there were four of us sharing a house. I'll call the two evil housemates fat and fatter. For a while it was ok, however at the beginning of the second term things went very sour. Fat and fatter didn't like our other housemate and were shits to him, i got sick of it and sided with him. They didn't appreciate this (at least this is why i think they decided to hate me too). Anyway, they thought it would be hilarious to turn the hot water and heating off when they went home one weekend, they also put the burglar alarm on with us in the house.

Fat would have phone calls to her boyfriend at 2 in the morning really loudly, her room and my room were once a single room, now separated by a very thin partition, she might aswell have been talking to me. This along with forgetting to write essays, and then doing them til 4 in the morning meant i was a tired man for most of a term. The noise of someone typing is not the easiest one to sleep with.

I could say a load more, but this would make it too obvious who they were. This is nothing compared to the other stories here, feel sorry for the rest of you.

(

polio, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:15, archived)

I like this guy!

With such powerful friends, this guy should not be mocked!

(

Cheeky Boy! loves horses..., Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:51, archived)

heh

"a semi-permanent ronk of goaty goodness"
will now be the title of my first novel.

(meepmeep is, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 6:35, archived)

Goaty goodness, eh?

That's a pretty good indicator that you have a full-blown hebephrenic schizophrenic on your hands--something about their screwed up chemistry makes them smell like goats.

(mitzibel, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:09, archived)

That's entirely possible

He did have this way of sort of vanishing off into himself for long, long periods of time while rocking and grinning twitchily at whatever the hell it was that was going on behind his eyes.

(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Thu 20 Nov 2003, 21:22, archived)

two of the oddest...

Number one....Shared a house with a "hygenically challenged" Irish guy who used to walk 5 miles to and from work every day, but only showered once a week. Stank so bad I swear he was sweating Mace through his pores, it used to make your eyes water when he walked in the room. His little foibles included stealing food, not paying the rent and leaving the dirty dishes in the back garden for the rain to wash. He also had a nice habit of disposing of fish and chip wrappers, half eaten pies, crisp packets etc behind the sofa. Which we found after we told him to leave.

Number two...a rather dippy housemate, who had the short term memory of a rather thick goldfish which wasn't helped by heavy pot-smoking. Favourite tricks were to start cooking stuff, forget about it and then leave the house for a night out. How the house didn't go up like a Terraced Towering Inferno I will never know. Another favourite trick was to losing the front door key, but then to leave the front door open when she went out so she could get back in. Yes, we were burgled. Twice.

(Chuffdog, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:15, archived)

Me and my mate Aled (sound bloke)

used to live on the sixth floor of a block of student flats in Liverpool.

Each floor was made up of eight flats, four on each side. On our floor we also had a shower on each side, a toilet on each side and a kitchen. Our side was relatively normal. Just a couple of girls who played Beatles tracks at 2am.

On the otherside was a Scotsman who played some odd hip-hop at all hours, a fella who frequently had his way with his girlfriend... Very loudly... against the door... which backed onto the lift. Oh they also had shared showers on our side.. Which happened to be across from my room.

The last two where priceless... A couple who where perfectly friendly but had two minor flaws.

The woman used to cook in the kitchen and leave the most disgusting mess possible. Mouldy green tomatos where frequently seen crawling across the work tops.

The money winner was the bloke... He used to save up his... ummm... motions... and then walk straight past the toilet on his side... (literally outside of his door!!!) Then use the toilet on our side, just outside Aled's room... The resulting dump smell would last well into the following week!

(

beefandcheese, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:18, archived)

yep....

I used to live with a girl who, although for the most part she was really nice, but she could not cope with drinking, I swear, 2 pints or a couple of vodkas, and she was throwing up everywhere. Unfortunately this didn’t stop her drinking. With alarming regularity (e.g every other day or so) she would stumble home, and throw up (usually on her bed). This wouldn’t be so bad, after all it was in her room, but in her practically comotose state would then drag her filthy sheets, duvet etc… and chuck it all in the bath. So often you’d wake up, go into the bathroom, and be faced with a stomach churning mess. It meant that you could hardly ever be sure to be able to have a bath, and she’d always sleep until late the next day – meaning that using the loo/sink/bath was a difficult undertaking until the next evening….

(

rosey, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:19, archived)

ex flatmate / girlfriend

My ex girlfriend took over my bedroom completely - I literally had no access to it. She never paid rent, never did any cleaning, ate my food and constantly hurled abuse at me and my friends. Utter nightmare, and it stayed that way for months because of legal loopholes or some such rubbish.

The day she finally moved out, I wiped my arse with her toothbrush and pissed in her suitcase :)

(Foss, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:19, archived)

THREADJACK

Do I dare? It occurred to me that ways to get back at flatmates may be in order too. My favourites (all tried and tested):

Hypodermic full of milk
Inject into mattress or pillow. Repeat. Move out within a week as it will develop a personality all of its own.

Prawns
Sure, you can sew them into curtain hems or secret them inside curtain rails, but mashed into carpets or hidden on high shelves is just as good.

Spam
Ooh yes. Once you have your ex-flatmate's email address, fill in every popup ad with their details. Which brings me to...

The Great Kosta Campaign

About ten years ago, two of my friends were living in a youth hostel. Kosta, the cnut of a manager evicted them on a weeks notice to move his mates in, kept their deposit and all that sort of malarkey. So they decided to get even.

This being pre-internet days, they used the Royal Mail as a weapon. Every 30-day home trial in the Sunday supplements, every book and record club, every free offer in The People's Friend and My Weekly, the lot.

After about two weeks, things started turning up. They had friends living in the hostel, so they monitored what was arriving. The first, I think, was the matching pair of kitten-shaped doorstops. The six thermal teapots were definitely the second. And then the deluge started happening.

KY-Jelly pessaries, knitting patterns, wool, membership packs for the Humpty Dumpty Club, stamps, you name it. Other people got in on the act as well, and it all kind of blew out of control. The same selection was ordered from every book and record club (these being the days of expensive-to-mail-back vinyl) - the heavier the better. Encyclopediae? Yes please. Four hardbacks (counts as one selection!)? You got it.

Needless to say, other avenues were explored. Plumbers, minicabs, pizzas, reps for conservatories and Stannah Stairlifts were all duly summoned. Goods were ordered from industrial catalogues on the offchance that they might just send stuff on credit and astonishingly, some did.

The afterburner spares for the Bell Huey jetcopter weren't sent, (although a letter of the "Who the watermelon?" variety from Michigan did arrive), and neither was the argon gas laser. But a portable defibrilator was sent by special delivery, and a number of phone calls were recieved enquiring as to the delivery location for the lorry full of tarmac.

Gradually, our moles moved out of the hostel, so the eventual outcome is unknown. But the last we heard, Kosta was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and had "Not know at this address" labels specially printed up.

The boys in blue took a pretty dim view of all this, so it's possibly pushing your luck to go quite this far these days. But it was fun at the time.

(

Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:20, archived)

when threadjacks are both as funny and relevant as this

be our guest

(

rob, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:26, archived)

Tricks

I lived with a psycho once... utter nutter. In fact, I think he was 'care in the community', but being 19 and shallow, we managed to see past that, and hated him thoroughly. I don't know if it was cracking onto a flatmate on his first night, smelling like rotten coffee, smashing his computer against my wall, or the trail of grease he left all over the appliances (seriously), but eventually we had to get him back. So my top 3:

- 'Wee Mayonaise'
- 'Toilet Spaghetti'
- The time we locked him out of his room during a house party, and he went mental so we called the Police and said he probably had a weapon... 2 vans full of police heavies turned up 5 minutes later, and he wee'd himself.

...Actually, that's probably not funny at all. Just really evil. Whoops.

(DayvidBerdo, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 13:35, archived)

Just curious

What did the police have to do with it? And how did they find out?

(weedom, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:31, archived)

He called them in. Repeatedly.

There wasn't much they could (or could be arsed to do), so they were getting pissed off with him. But if they'd got their hands on the perpetrators, they'd have doubtless run their train over me. I mean, them.

(

Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 21:16, archived)

OW!

Fell of my chair!
Am now literally ROFL!

(Prof_Frink has remembered his username, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 21:27, archived)

I know I'm an utterly pedantic bottle-nosed dolphin,

but helicopters don't have afterburners. Unless they're Airwolf.

Edit: How strange. Filtering?

(wingnutkj, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:25, archived)

Maybe they do.

The UH-60, aka the Black Hawk, is jet-powered. It's possible that it has afterburners.

(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 1:01, archived)

Nope.

A helicopter uses a jet engine differently. It doesn't just sit in the back and blow out hot gas...
There would be no point in a helicopter with an afterburner. Though plenty of helicopters are jet engine powered.

(Timmy (Esq), Tue 18 Nov 2003, 9:41, archived)

I think you mean

gas turbine...

(jasp, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:42, archived)

a jet engine is

a type of gas turbine. all it requires is that hot air resulting from combustion of the propellant be processed by a compressor in producing the motive force.

(rednc, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:12, archived)

Wrong.

The fastest helicopter - the British-built Lynx - utilizes after-burner thrust to increase forward motion. It's part of the design that allows it to top 250mph, if my memory serves.

PS Bottle-nosed dolphin. Fantastic.

(rednc, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:08, archived)

watermelon

now thats just neat! (the filter that is....now i understand the watermelonery)

(ratface, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 1:22, archived)

cranberry?

this is a theoretical test ;)

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:31, archived)

roommate-torturing story

In college I had a friend who had a real bastard of roommate. One day, however, my friend discovered that clicking the little ground-test switch on the electric socket in his bathroom also cut the power to the same socket in the bastard roommate's bathroom. So, every morning when the guy would try to shave with his electric razor my friend would push and reset the button randomly.

bzzzt...bzzzzt...bzzzt..."what the hell?!"...bzzzzzt..."ARG!".....bzzzzz...

The bastard became irritated beyond belief. Although an electrician was called in several times he never found the source of the problem.

(

Pee-Bob, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 5:51, archived)

Insprired!

I bow to you as a god of revenge!

(

Cheeky Boy! loves horses..., Tue 18 Nov 2003, 14:09, archived)

simple but satisfying

In my first shared house, I came home once really early in the morning to find that the downstairs toilet light was on and the door locked. I listen for a couple of seconds but the house was totally silent and so was who ever was in the toilet, very strange. Then I figured it out, one of my bastard house mates or annoying friends had dunkenly passed out in there. So I went off to bed giving a satisfying flick of the toilet light switch which was placed on the outside of the room.

Imagine if you will him waking up drunk in the pitch black not knowing where the hell he was or why the hell his pants were round his ankles, and then the difficulting in trying to find the light switch in this state which infact he wouldn't find because it was on the outside.

Fantasticly simple.

(ubercentral, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 14:50, archived)

it started so nicely with the

kitten-shaped doorstops.. he must have been well happy...

hehe

(

Obz Click, ting, stamps, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:13, archived)

thats ace!

I read that and was literally in tears and couldnt breath through the laughter (i must look strange im in the uni library area just giggling to myself). excellent work im very impressed, this must surely be read out on radio :)

(Count Spazula, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 11:21, archived)

Stannah Stairlifts

Someone once pissed me off so I got a stannah rep to go round and do an assessment and quote... on his bungalow....

(ymmit, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 22:29, archived)

revenge

I lived with 2 girls whos only crime was being as boring as f uck. When we moved out we each took ownership of a utility bill( their idea the spods), of course I demanded money from each of them to clear the gas bill as well as pocketting the credit check the gas company sent me. I felt I deserved it. They used to put those posters up of fluffy kittens saying "amusing " things

(bobbinslass, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 23:49, archived)

um...

the worst flatmate I ever had was austrian. He could only say 'ham sandwich' in english (though we were very suspicious) and he loved to masturbate over pictures of charlie dimmock.

(this may have been a drug/alcohol-induced dream, btw)

(

the nugga says please and thank you, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:27, archived)

Ooh I remember one.

The toilet was blocked, so we called the landlord. He couldn't do anything 'til Monday. Fine. We'll visit our friendly neighbours and use their loo for a day. All except Nick - who crapped in the shower. The dirty little bastard.

(

rob, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:31, archived)

nothing wrong with that

as long as you clean up after

(

the nugga says please and thank you, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:48, archived)

we had someone

who crapped in the bath at halls, he was then known as steve shat in the bath for ever more

(sunny chiba, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:48, archived)

that's

pretty catchy

(

dotmund .co.uk, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:07, archived)

Steve's hat in the bath?

I don't get it...

(Sybil 'n' Tess, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:28, archived)

One of my old flat mates was caught

Shagging a bean bag, butt naked, bog roll to hand with a picture of the queen mother (then alive) in front of him.

One from my first year used my chopping board behind my back (not too arsed about) what he did'nt do was wash it. A quick wipe over to get rid of any blood with a cold sponge was about the best he could do. I am amazed i did'nt get food poisoning

I've lived with the obligatory nosy cranberry, wierd nutter, super tidy girl (who was so bad i moved out) and the happy baby orangutan the nicks all you food and milk.

Lastly one from over the summer coated the entire toilet, sink, walls and floor with red wine puke. And left it. I moved out two weeks later (having only used the other bathroom) and it was still there.

(el_meerkat, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:51, archived)

my friend's sister

lived with a girl at uni who went a little mad. she made a coat from jacket potato skins and used to talk to it
during the holidays they went camping in dartmoor with a bunch of other girls from the university, and her and her friend shared a tent. the friend tried to strangle her to death, then stabbed herself and ran off onto the moors at 2am and fell in a ditch.

she's currently living in a very secure hospital

(John Doe, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 17:58, archived)

i pushed my house mate over

in a drunken rage when he stole the lightbulb out of my room. he then tried to stab me with a bread knife. i then stole his girlfriend, he then smashed every single thing made of glass in the house.

(benito vaselini no not that one, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:18, archived)

so.....

just another quiet night in then?

(trollbite, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:31, archived)

Complete and utter dick

I've had a whole pile of unusual flatmates, including one alcoholic who burned the furniture and smashed a good hundred bottles in the living room, leaving a carpet of broken glass for us to clean up. But he's a great guy with some problems so I wouldn't speak ill of him.
When he moved out of my house though, so did a couple of my other friends, leaving only two of us behind. We'd lived together for three years, since we started university, and were set in our ways a little. Then Sam moved in. We didn't get to meet him first as our ex-housemates had shown him around and said he was fine.
To start with, he wasn't impressed by the mess. We kept the kitchen untidy and that was how we were used to it, a bit of a tip but nevertheless home. Sam didn't see it that way. Within a week he began pacing up and down screaming at us that we were disgusting pigs and should be killed. In between furious rages he told us that we should try crack, which was "good, but greedy." Soon we could tell the nights when he was in a crack fury.
That would be all of them.
One particular night he came downstairs and smashed everything breakable in the kitchen, including around 25 items of our crockery and ten eggs from the fridge.
The next day we carefully broached the subject of when he would clean up this trail of destruction. He said he wouldn't, and that it was our fault for keeping the kitchen untidy. He also asked me if I wanted to go outside and have a fight. I told him I didn't particularly. He never did clean it up and I expect there are still dried egg stains on the carpet and holes in the walls.
Can't tell you how glad I am to be rid of him.

(

Zuowan, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:18, archived)

Cam't speak too badly of him

...as he was a damn fine fellow, but my ex-flatmate, who has since moved abroad, used to have a liking for the odd drinking bender.

He had actually moved out, and had planned to go out for a couple of drinks, and then return to his girlfriends house. I had the nightshift, and returned in the morning to find that the front door was open. In a panic I flew into the livingroom believeing I had been burgled, but my laptop and other toys were all there. Then I noticed the smell from the kitchen.

It seems my ex flatmate had drank rather a lot more drink than the odd couple, decided to come back to mine to sleep, and in his drunken state, shat in my waste bin in the kitchen.

Daft thing is, since he moved abroad, I miss the silly sod.

(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:57, archived)

a friend needed a place to stay for a while

so my boyfriend and i let him sleep on our couch. the following events led to us kicking him out and un-friending him:
1) walked in to him having sex with a hooker on the couch. the whole room stunk of nasty.
2) gave my boyfriend and i scabies.
3) had a party while we were out and chopped his finger off with a kitchen knife on the cutting board and put the severed finger in the freezer. we came home to a bloody mess. he had been taken to the hospital but his "friends" were still there, partying, in our house, and told us what happened.
he didn't come back to stay with us after that. but a few days later, we realized that he had
4) stolen $400 from me.
That guy sucked. we assume that he is dead by now.

(meowmeowkittymeow, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:31, archived)

scabies?

I'm not sure what it is, guessing of course that it's some sort of disgusting disease.

(scumface, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 20:24, archived)

Small mites that create a rash on the skin.

(Sypher_5, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:09, archived)

urgh

are these mites transferred by normal contact or other sorts?

Edit: That could reflect badly on meowmeow, not meant.

(scumface, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 16:46, archived)

Contact of skin. A hand shake is long enough and you dont know have them until about a month later :s

The best bit is the stuff you have to cover your whole body in from head to toe. When I was younger it was a liquid you had to paint on with a brush. More recently its a cream. Both stink of Tea Tree Oil and you have to store in cold places. I've had it four times and, once my Stepmothers Boys gave it to me, once my best mate gave it to me ( he didn't know he had it at that stage ), once my sisters gave it to me, and once was an ex who had a bunch of nasty things going on after "visiting a friend for the weekend". Needless to say I was out the door when she got back to tell me we she'd been ( I'd already got the inside scoop from her "best mate", but I had to be there to watch her squirm as I told her what I knew. ).

See now if this had been about worse break ups or the sluttist chick you'd gone with, I could add a story or two...

(Sypher_5, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 20:17, archived)

DO NOT

get me started on watermelon-ing scabies. We spread an epidemic from Tunbridge Wells to Leeds to Australia. A living-scratchy-rashy-itchy-fucking bastard of a nightmare!

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 20 Nov 2003, 19:00, archived)

The worst flatmate I had....

was the g/f of a friend on my course at uni. We moved in together, all happy as Larry at the start. They had the double bedroom, I had the single. It was just the three of us.

Then it began. Here are some of the rules I had to stick by to ensure a harmonious relationship.

1) She had final say over whether or not the telly was on. Even if she wasn't needing the living room for anything else. Blokey programmes like Top Gear were a dead no no. She didn't like it so I wasn't allowed to watch it.

2) If she wanted a cup of tea she could ask me to make one. Even if I didn't want one myself. Of course this rule did not apply in reverse.

3) I wasn't allowed to pace up and down when using the phone.

4) We all take turns cooking for each other in the evenings. However I had to help them cook when it was their turn.

5) I couldn't have old school friends stay over even if her b/f was cool about it, because she didn't know them.

These are just the ones I remember. Contravention of any of the above resulted in a screaming toddler fit.
In essence she was a control freak and her b/f was a spineless cretin. Of course our friendship did not survive this and I can only hope they're still together just so that they don't inflict their misery on anyone else.

BTW how do you tell a mate that in dating terms he's first division/premier league so WTF is he doing with a girl from vauxhall conference? Really she was the worst.

Oh and I forgot, she tried to swap their bedroom for the living room because she wanted more space. I still want to slap her now.

(trollbite, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:48, archived)

Manky international student

Last year was my first at uni, I got put in a flat with 3 other guys. Two of them I get on really well with, the other guy was from Kenya, his name was Gideon.

To begin with, we would get pissed off that him and his cousin would come back at 4am or other antisocial times, and then put music on as loud as their stereo would go.

Then it moved on to his cousin just coming in and using his room, even if he wasn't there. I went away for a weekend and came back to find my stereo had gone from the kitchen. It was in his room.

We went away for Easter holidays, came back and the majority of the food in the freezer had gone.

But the worst bit would be that he fucking stank. You had to hold your breath to walk past his closed door. He even stank AFTER he came out of the bath. And he left the bath in the biggest mess ever, it was covered in filth all over, and you had to wash it after every time he had been in it.

The housekeeper, when she came to inspect the flat, wouldn't even go in the room it smelt that bad.

We got a sort of revenge, my mate punched a big dent in my door. We blamed it on Gideon. Haha.

And now this year, we have another stinky flatmate, however he makes us laugh, sitting at his computer all day, playing Counter-Strike, occasionaly hearing expletives emerging from his room.

(poshphil, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 18:57, archived)

Only had one flatmate I couldn't live with so far

but then again this is only my second year living in shared flats, and two of my flatmates from last year I'm still with. The third one we pretty much voted out when it came time to renew the lease, on grounds of generalised wierd. It tended to be background things, such as the steak knife pinning his timetable up.
When it came to food, none of us ever ate anything he cooked (and he often offered stuff to us). Delights included the day he had lamb chops- he boiled them in water. With nothing added. And proceeded to eat them without any sauce, or any veg, or indeed anything.
He kept on assuring us that the stuff he bought from his work was tasty. He worked in Farmfoods, and generally bought some of the cheapest, nastiest looking stuff ever (microwave chips with gravy already on them anyone?). Our replacement flatmate's Dad is quite high up in farmfoods management. He wouldn't touch most of the stuff from that shop with a 20' bargepole.
Other things? He tok up smoking on the sly away from his parents. But decided not to go with ciggies, but a pipe. then proceeded to smoke in our non-smoking flat, that we can actually get chucked out of for.
Otherwise he generally acted like a complete twunt. I nearly killed him on a couple of occasions.

(Al__S is constantly suprised, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:02, archived)

Odd fact...

...Most stuff from Farmfoods is actually quite nice!... Well the stuff thats Birdseye branded and that

(

beefandcheese, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 20:08, archived)

I had one flatmate

who sort of moved in his demented girlfriend with telling me. she didn't pay any rent or council tax or a share of any of the bills, despite, as far as I could gather, eating about £5 worth of extra leccy every day.

For about four months, I spent so much time in the pub trying to avoid them I think I almost developed a drink problem. On the upside, I saw a lot of football, and lager is lovely.

Eventually, I decided to move out. unfortunately, between me picking up the keys to my new flat and moving my stuff out of the old one, they split up and she robbed everything. My telly, my stereo, about 300 CDs and 500 records, my guitar, the lot.

About a year after that, I became a crap flatmate for a while. My mate moved away to start a new job, but never told me he'd left loads of the bills in his name instead of transfering them to me.

So, for the next four months, until I moved out too, nothing got paid (except the rent). I was never at home (and acting a bit mental) at the time and didn't notice so, eventually, he got a visit from the bailiffs at his new address.

Luckily, we managed to get that one sorted out before he lost any furniture/teeth.

I'm ace now, mind. I cook, I do the dishes, I put the bin out ...

(

coco, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:08, archived)

I was a bit bad I suppose

Sorry to be a hogthread but is anyone here among the guilty? As well as almost legendary untidiness I do admit leaving 3 magazine subscriptions (and a paper bill from the newsagent amounting to 150 quid), two large phone/cable TV bills, 2 electricity bills and one hefty gas bill, plus lots of council tax and housing benefits watermelon ups behind. I have since learned to get somebody else's name on the contract.

(

Zuowan, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:24, archived)

I managed to go something close to two years without paying council tax. I just pretended it didn't happen. I managed to get my landlord taken to court my never paying a water bill for two years. And one of my former flatmates after running up a huge phone bill on an account in his name and telling BT I'd just moved in. Yay. I Rule.

Other than that I'm lovely, I cook, clean and am generally spiffy. Honest.

(Lord of the Pies, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:28, archived)

For the last few years

I've had trouble getting any sort of bond/deposit back from landlords as they all seem to think that they don't need to return any deposits. so this year (and last year if im honest) i just don't pay the last months rent.

they can happily keep the bond then.......stuff em!!!

(Charlie big bananas, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 14:32, archived)

I know that one.....

in 4 years, me and my 3 flat mates NEVER paid for water. After we'd all moved out(about 7 months later, in fact) I was back in town and went to have a butchers at the old gaff. It was empty, but I saw something poking out the letter box, so I half-inched it. Turned out to be a water for for over £1000!!! Oooooops! Can't believe we got away with it*

*Famous last words........

(

D3xt3r Don't take any guff from these fucking swine...., Thu 20 Nov 2003, 19:12, archived)

A tosspot I lived with

used to, whilst you were cooking, place his face about an inch over whatever it was and take in a big deep lungful and than go "ahhhh". I was close to burning the cranberry face in a fry-up once.

Another flatmate once stole the birdbox from the next doors garden, shat in it, nailed to the living room wall and set fire to it.
the cranberry

(

DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:25, archived)

i have one or two incidents from my various shared houses

smelly feet,
scary couple,
bloke who sniffed loudly while running in a circle in the tiny yard (i think he also bought a girlfriend),
a house of people obbssessed with having immaculate kitchen surfaces but who were fine with leaving vegetables to rot by the bin,
a guy who tried to sleep with me til i threatened him with a scapel
downstairs neighbours who believed it was their right to play crappy dance music 24hrs a day very very loudly
a landlady (plus boyfriend) who wouldn't let us have anyone come round the house after 10pm (because him, being so manly, would have to answer the door)
same landlady thought i had left for christmas and broke into my room at 1am while i was still there
also same landlady used our rooms to house other people when we went home for holidays (we found evidence)
different landlord who would throw us out if his friends were coming round
scary housemate who we never saw and just moved things loudly in her room

and also, in my first year at uni a guy stayed over and sleep-peed all over my housemates extensive CD collection

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:50, archived)

typical student house tosser

This guy i'm living with now, I dunno, he...he's just a C.U.N.T!! About a week after we all moved in we had to have a house meeting, which turned out to be because he (and he alone) was irritated by dirty plates being left on the side instead of washed up or put in the dishwasher. So from that meeting we had a rota for washing up and cleaning the kitchen, a rota for tidying the living room. When it's his turn to do the dishes, he leaves them to stack up all day before cleaning them at 2 in the morning, and then if any plates are left on the side he sticks notes up "reminding" us to keep tidy.... He steals my milk, and even after I explained to everyone I don't have a problem with sharing, still denies he does it even after he admitted it to the others...Tried to worm out of his share of the cost of networking our computers so we can share broadband even though he's got mummy and daddy paying his way (Ikea furniture and pans and plates and glasses thank you very much)...is very very rude and up himself, if you say hello to him he just grunts, "uhm", when I offered to help him and his mum to move his stuff in he completely blanked me...bitches to the others that I wake him up with my music when I get up in the morning (bearing in mind I get up at 9 at the earliest) but won't bother mentioning it to me...i could go on...

(pomegranate, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 19:50, archived)

Three strange ones...

#1 was obsessed with the SCA and medieval renaissance type stuff... played with swords in the house a lot (which wasn't too bad... as I am a fencer.) However, one night, in a drunken argument challenged a friend of his to a dual with my epees. Imagine waking up at 2:30 am to two guys in the hallway hacking at eachother while the neighbors are all watching, stunned.

#2 bought one of those 'mini-fridges' for his room one december. Brought it back to his room and filled it with his groceries... that week, he piled up his laundry around it, and forgot about the fridge. A month later, he finally got around to washing his laundry and found the fridge... he opened it, hoping the food was still good, except A. he had never plugged it in, and B. it was right next to the heater in his room... it took two months for the smell to air out of there...

#3 was #2's friend... He never seemed to bathe, and had a list of 14 year old skanky girlfriends (he was 23). As #1 and I were almost never home due to work, school, and other activities, we thought his presence when we were around was purely coincidental. when #2 moved out, (it was a guest room, so he only took his clothes with him, and we never went in there) things were really quiet for about a week, until one night, we both woke up to the sound of a baby screaming in the 'empty' room. Sure enough, #3 was there with a 15 year old girl, and THEIR 4 week old son screaming at the top of his lungs (she had run away from her parents house with the kid, and he had apparently been living in #2's old room, so he invied her to stay). He had never paid a dime of rent, and this was certainly news to us. Furthermore, he refused to leave, insisting that he had taken over the spot on the lease, and had made a deal with the landlord separately for rent. Certainly, as I was dating the landlord's daughter at the time, I would have known about this... the police agreed when they escorted the three of them off.

(almightynoitall, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 20:05, archived)

Hmmm.... almightynoitall's post

Sounds like some people I know in Aberystwyth. Tell me I'm wrong..... please

(abertownie, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 21:56, archived)

lucky you...

you're quite wrong... I live thousands of miles away in Reno, NV, USA

(almightynoitall, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 0:08, archived)

but pantony was

in aber.

(Lambkin, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:53, archived)

well i'm trying to decide who was worst out of 2 people i once shared with...

the first guy, lets call him chris because that't his name, was a complete loser who could never find money for food, bills or rent, but somehow managed to find plenty to feed his speed addiction. basically from friday afternoon to sunday night he would hoover the stuff up his nose and talk at me, non-stop with little streamers of white foam dangling from the corners of his mouth, for hours and hours on end - even when i had ignored him to the point of going to sleep. his favourite passtime was picking up girls in clubs and getting them to sodomize him with a 10 inch dildo all weekend. he was doing this once when he knocked the phone off the hook in his room and i was speaking to my boss on the the other extention. imagine trying to explain what the noise was to my very confused boss on the other end. he would also invite random drug-fucked people fron nightclubs back to our house, so i would be kept awake all night by people on everything from ketamine to crack wandering around the house and playing loud music.

flatmate number 2, however, made this guy seem like a dream flatemate. his name was jo, he was a 40 year old ex-mercenary from africa and he was a deranged alcoholic psychopath! he worked 16 hour shifts every day in a slaughterhouse, butchering animal carcasses (in his defence there was always a good supply of meat in the fridge), and spent the remaining hours of the day between shifts getting hard drunk. when i got up for work in the morninghe was usually on about his 8th can of special brew (he only slept about 2 hours a night)- and once confesed to me that he drank aftershave when he had ran out of alcohol. he would regularly come home from clubs at 3 in the morning, burst into my room where i was chilling with friends getting stoned, and regail us with stories about the best way to kill someone with a bayonet, or how him and his mercenary friends had cut the soles off someones feet to torture a confession out of them (this guy could only communicate by shouting and would often get that glazed-over, having a flashback look in his eyes). this would often be acompanied by one of my poor stoned mates being manhandled into a physical demonstration of the atrocity! he would also regularly turn up covered in blood explaining that someone had looked at him funny and he had stabbed them. he only ever slept with prostitutes, and would treat anyone female that came near the house as such (my friends, sister, mother etc), offering them money to sleep with him.

i moved out of that house a nervous wreck and fearing for my life / sanity!

(son of crazymum, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 20:22, archived)

I guess with

drinking aftershave he'd have fresh breath at least...

(coweringinthecorner, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 8:45, archived)

My current flatmate

seems to hate fresh air. Every time I open the window she dashes to close it right away, screaming at me that she's going to get sick because of the cold air. Out flat has no air conditioning so the only way to get some fresh air is to open the window. Most of the time our flat is hot as hell and the air could be cut by a knife.
She's also into making deco's, so there's glitter everywhere. When I had a flue, I found glitter in my cough mixture.

(Ramika, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 20:48, archived)

Hmm

when my friends shaired my room in halls of residence one night after a party, 2 of them ran out in their nightwear jumping on any guy in my block that when past.

No wonder there too scared to talk to me...

(

Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 20:55, archived)

All Chinese students are insomniacs

100% fact. Last year there were two Chinese guys in our halls of residence and neither of them slept much, though when they did it was torture for the guys next door because they snored like braking trains. The guy who lives next door to me now is worse though- he and his friends have no concept of time. So his mates will come to the front of the building (we're on the third floor) and shout for him to come to the window, and then they'll have a shouting 'conversation' in Cantonese. At 7am. We've asked him not to, but bless him, he doesn't understand.

The Chinese guys were otherwise OK except for the fact they will set fire to the kitchen on a regular basis. And they will nick your stuff out of the kitchen if you let them. But that's not as bad as the stoner we lived with last year. He was from Shrewsbury, which in my experience is the coldest place in the world (though I never dare to venture outside the train station). I was once up at 6am to go mountaineering, and I went into the kitchen for breakfast, and he's in there. So we have a normal conversation, I'm sitting at the table eating my Rice Krispies and he's standing talking to me, and after a minute or two I noticed something on the table that had been there the whole time but I hadn't paid attention to. It was the biggest bag of hash you've ever seen. From then on we knew he was just going to be a stoner, and a smelly, lazy and dumb one at that, which gave us (or rather, my more evil Scouse flatmates) some good excuses to play pranks on him. But there's already been a good thread on that subject.....

(abertownie, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 21:49, archived)

I would like to hear

about the Scouse stoner baiting.

(chunkmonkey, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:48, archived)

Ahhh.... the scouse stoner baiting

well some tricks will work on a stoner that won't work on an ordinary member of the human race. For example- covering his doorway with newspaper. Every day for a week. Also, setting water-bomb traps for whenever he opended his door. And soaping the lino corridor to turn it into a skate rink. There was also a dor halfway along the corridor that stoner boy had to pass through when he went to leave his pipe-clogging hairs in the shower. So we'd lock it and sit in the kitchen watching TV for an hour or two, whilst he just whined in his yellow bathrobe.

Now these pranks wouldn't be so grat if they were played on a normal person, but they're worth it just to watch the reactions of a stoner boy. Like when he rips through the newspaper barrier over his door like the Incredible Hulk and then collapses into the giggles. Or when you throw water bombs at him, so he goes to the shop and gets some to avenge, but you go out on the piss for the night and find him asleep in the kitchen with a cache of fully loaded water bombs (guess what happens next....)

Ahhh..... sometimes I wonder if I wasted my life. And then I wonder what I'd be like if I was Stoner Boy. Ha Ha Ha...

(abertownie, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 23:36, archived)

I had a flatmate who walked silently.

You'd be in your room reading, or watching telly, or picking your nose and generally minding your own business and suddenly a soft voice, right in my ear would whisper "Hi".

I usually screamed and leapt three feet in the air but she didn't seem put off. Even after I moved out I was constantly twitchy for about three weeks.

She also didn't pay her rent, and practised the piano in her room VERY LOUD, in the run-up to our finals. And she once organised a dinner party for a mutual friend, but as soon as she and I began cooking the three-course meal together, she realised she'd "forgotten to get something", fucked off and came back just as we were tucking into the starter. She then asked me to contribute to the cost of the food - I didn't.

But the silent footfall thing was definitely the worst.

(

Dr Phil Kitten, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 21:35, archived)

Heh

I can do that silent thing and usually I dont realise I'm doing it. Quite often I can just fade away into the background & reappear when you least expect it.

The best bit is when you and your mates are drunk and you change seats and make you mates paranoid about their mental health as "they could've sworn, I was in that chair".

(Sypher_5, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 16:29, archived)

heh

story of my life!

(harmless kitty, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 9:01, archived)

I'm I the only person reading this

just to make sure they don't appear?

(

alistair, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 21:36, archived)

No, i am too

honest

(StealthCobra, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:50, archived)

if anyone comes out

with that story about me making my flatmate talk to a pensioner walking his dog, while wearing no clothes and holding a litre of gin, there'll be trouble.

Although the look on the labrador's face was a picture. Pensioner took it very well...

(

expf, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:14, archived)

LOL!

No ... I'm not in it yet either, thank ghod.

(antonye, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 12:20, archived)

I'm waiting

for Rees and Paul to mention me and my girlfriend. We were quite twuntish to them.

In our defence they moved two of their mates into a cupboard for about a month (it was about 3ft by 6ft) and they were dealing drugs from one of the bedrooms (and don't get me started about the 2am parties, the fact that they used to use our toilet-paper when we left it out but had their own supply to use when we didn't).

Oh, and for about a month they'd spent all their money on pot and couldn't afford loo-roll so they just used pages out of a paperback novel that I'd left in the bathroom. Ick.

And they stole my milk.

Although the time I got back and found that Rees had decided his new video made a "squeaking noise" so he decided to fix it, took it apart, couldn't put it back together again and then cried for about an hour looking at the remains of his video still cheers me up.

(scruffy, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 8:19, archived)

The Temple of Jizz

maybe this won't beat "Mo", but it is still a bit rank.

Flatmate, lets call him "bob", often did a number of things that often resulted from his inordinatley high libido.

Unfortunatley for bob, his physical characterisitics often did not allow his ends to match his means.

So he was a short squat hairy lecherous perv who was 26, lived with 19-20 year olds and still worked in a supermarket. He nearly hit me when i had him up about that. anyway

bob had a crush on a friend of mine. he would sit next to her on the couch and openly look down the back of her pants and tell her what colour panties she was wearing. she would walk away and he would follow.

He would sleep on a matress in the lounge with his ear pressed up against my bedroom door to listen to me and my girlfriend at night. I would go to have a shower and find him asleep, ear still pressed to my door, curled up with his fingers in his mouth.

He would often comment on the various noises that people would make while having sex. often immediatley after

He would sometimes constantly suck his ring and index fingers, while wearing nothing but a pair of very small shorts.

He would also sit and eat oranges in the lounge by putting half the orange into his mouth, and then noisely spitting the fibre of the fruit into a plastic bag. I think that ofended me the most for some reason.

his room smelled of moist ejaculate, as did his bed, he had the only vcr in the house, which is why we would sometimes be in his room. we called it the jizz temple.

one day he made it halfway to the toilet, saw there was no toilet paper, fell over on the stairs and demanded that we go and get him some because he was on the verge of crapping his pants.

The one day he was caught on an upstairs landing masturbating while listening to girls talking in the lounge.

then he moved to a location three hours travel away, still kept his job at the supermarket next door to us, and demanded we let him continue living in our lounge.

lets just say it ended "badly".

I somehow feel better

thankee.

(feature_wall, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 21:41, archived)

ewwww

and eww
and ewwwwww again

you poor, poor soul.

(

cwethan, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 0:24, archived)

bleah

that's pretty damn bad. you guys have got me worried about sharing a college room next year.

(bonaroo, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 2:30, archived)

He sounds

like quite a character. Does he live in the US? Dear god, I hope not. AAAAH!

(number 27-hunter, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 21:19, archived)

annoying housemate...

right, where to start....

usual run of the mill annoying stuff: he hadn't played a games console before moving in with me...he now cant stop (8hrs straight is his record without so much as a toilet or eating break - 24hr coverage has not yet commenced) - but he doesnt like playing multiplayer games...so watching him struggle at games is the order of the day; he rarely washes up; he cleans anything even less...

slightly more annoying stuff: he leaves his used cutlery + plates on the floor (in a doorway) in the sitting room - always a pleasant wet foot surprise!; he consumes one type of food at a time...today's example being orange juice - 3 cartons gone in a day and a half....before moving onto another form of sustainance - usually eggs or cheese

very annoying stuff: drinks far too much at parties (but hey, i (cant) hear you cry, we're students)...well...too much for this chap leads to sexual "harrasment" on any good looking ladies in the vaccinity, until we're asked to "take him home" by a boyfriend who realises it is not a joke. On the way home he may (has) become violent, once biting a good friend (biting - like a shark, not nibbling), bringing her to tears and leaving indentations for a good 3 weeks afterwards...

+ he plays the violin. aaaaaargh!

(unwillingsheep, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:39, archived)

Not only did the lesbian vegan design major never leave the room . . .

but she ended up being deflowered on my brand-new comforter by my supposedly gay best friend. Oh, and did I mention the time I came home to find her hand mirror and sketchbook, open to two pages of labia sketches, on the floor of my bedroom? Eeeeewwwwwwww.

(mitzibel, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:42, archived)

Sounds ideal to me...

Did you spank off to it?

(mr pete, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:01, archived)

No, the idea of anyone's pubic hair but my own

stuck in the fibres of the rug I sit and lay on was enough to kill any dubious libidinous urges that particular spectacle may have roused. That, and I'm a chick--other people's labias just don't do it for me. Boobs, on the other hand. . .

(mitzibel, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 18:26, archived)

What in God's name are you talking about?

Still, that's pretty funny.

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 7:28, archived)

Standard fare bastards

Once had a serious fly infestation in a really nice house in Hammersmith, all due to one bugger in particular deciding that everyone else should clean up his mess in his kitchen. We stopped and ate out a lot instead.

Then I moved to Victoria. Again, nice pad, great flatmates, and I really liked the girl living there... except for the fact she used to leave the door wide open whilst having exceptionally noisy sex with her boyfriend.

I'm now in Battersea (such fun being a yuppy), and am gradually getting used to putting up with the horrifically ugly lesbians upstairs having noisy bang bang sex with something that appears to make the entire house vibrate.

One day, one fine fine day, flatmates won't do this to my head.

(

dr goodthrust, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 22:49, archived)

Ahhh uni memories

I lived with this guy once who used to nick anything that wasnt nailed down it was stuff like Playstation control pads, food, money, CDs, bits of my computer, everything. So anyway one day me and my other house mates decided to route though his room one day to recover all our stolen stuff, after about 10 minutes of going through his private stuff we came across a 5 CD's marked 'Stuff'. After looking through them we discovered 3 and a half gigs of ladyboy porn. We then found a bag full of er...womens clothes, a large dildo, a few pics of him dressed in said clothes and some letters that other crossdressers had sent him. Anyway we posted the pics off to his mum, dad, brother, sister etc... and hung all his womens clothes out on the washingline. He moved out a few weeks later. Surprisingly enough he hates all our guts now.

(ruck0r, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:03, archived)

Share house junkies - a reason to move interstate

I moved from Sydney to Melbourne because my "best friends" told me they were clean and had a spare room. The said i would love it. I arrived after a 20 hour bus trip from hell to find them hanging out and waiting for their dealer. They charged me me three times more rent than the property was worth, didn't pay any of it and had regular fisting sessions in the spa tub next to my bedroom with paper thin walls. After I moved out they hassled me for money they thought I should pay for rent, even though it all went up their arms along with my cd's, the rented tv and their dignity. cranberry

(birdynumnum, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:05, archived)

Good, I'm not on here as yet,

but you can't beat my current housemate, who spends much of his time in the front room, and is currently muttering "c.u.nt-c.u.nt-c.u.nt-c.u.nt" occasionally interspersed with a louder "W.A.N.KER" whilst `watching` the international weather report on teletext. with the sound on mute. for hours on end.

Maybe I'll move out...

(StealthCobra, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:16, archived)

Does

he clean?

(scruffy, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 8:22, archived)

large quantities of vomit

An otherwise ok flatmate began vomiting in his room all over his bed and floor. The living room and hallway got suitably splashed as he was running to the sink in the kitchen.

He then left to catch his flight in the morning and didn't clean it up. I got home from a holiday in Budapest about a week later.

bastard

(nycmstar, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:16, archived)

my flatmate

used to get stoned with us, then insist on turning all the lights out and putting a scream mask on and stalking around the flat with a big kitchen knife. thing is, it was never, ever, scary. at first it was mildly disconcerting, but after a while we just got used to it. thing is, whenever we had guests he'd walk in wearing his scream mask and totally freak out whoever it was that happened to be visiting.

(hnnrs, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:30, archived)

the scream mask flatmate

also had one of his mates to stay completely randomly once, guy seemed nice enough then just suddenly passed out on the sofa. me and my mate went out and left sofa coma guy and came back totally pissed. we were trying to see how much we could get away with before he woke up, so:
1: we opened a tin of fish paste we'd lifted from tescos earlier under his nose and he went 'mmmm' to the smell. but didn't wake up.
2: we put plastic bags on his feet.
3: we put loads of hairgel in his hair so when he woke up he'd have made hair.
4: i jumped over him.
anyway, the next day he woke up and didn't say a word about anything from the night before. it was only later on that we found out that he was a junkie who'd just gone cold turkey and was on the run from yardies on the south coast. he'd abandoned his girlfriend and family. i guess we were the bastard flatmates then.

(hnnrs, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:41, archived)

Ate biscuits in bed

When I was a first year student I was put in a house with bedsits run by an elderly Irish couple - indoors before 11.00PM and lights out at 12.00. Needless to say I would have moved out anyway, but I had the flatmate from hell to precipitate things.

Like I say it was a bedsit, single roomer with 2 single beds and shared bathroom. Apart from this person's personal hygeine which was lacking, when I was tucking into for bye-bye's with the lights out I would hear the crunching of biscuits and wake up to see the discarded empty packet on the floor

(Sum-shusSue, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:44, archived)

SUPANOODLE MAN

This is'nt necessarily a bad roommate, but for just over a year.. this guy ate chicken flavoured supanoodles. I wonder what hes up to...

(Andy man, Mon 17 Nov 2003, 23:58, archived)

WIth the amount of salt in those things...

... probably about 200/120.

(

Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 17:07, archived)

Ba-doom tish!

Jamaica?

(

Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:43, archived)

My sister is sharing a house with 3 girls at university

They staged an intervention because Gilly borrowed their spoons when she moved in recently. Although she washed and returned the spoons after eating, these girls were upset enough to gather and confront her on her third day living there.

"Spoons are too personal to share" they said. Do these girls take their own cutlery to restaurants, or do they only eat at those fine establishments that use disposeables?

Living a 2-hour drive from home, she couldn't just run out and grab her dishes and utlery right away. For 2 weeks, she ate off a Frisbee and used a bowl her former roommates found after she moved out. She poured herself a bowl of cereal the day after the intervention and tried to borrow a spoon while the girls were out, but they had emptied the drawer and hidden the spoons in their rooms! Gilly had to drink her cereal from the bowl.

(ghettobooty, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 0:10, archived)

My friend Mel moved in with a long-time friend, Jen,

who promptly went mad. For no apparrent reason, Jen would stop the laundry mid-cycle and dump the sopping wet clothes on Mel's bed. She also poured bleach into a load of coloured laundry once. Another day, she unplugged all the phones and hid them in her room. She brought a different strange man home every night, picked up at a bar or off the street.

The final straw was when Jen woke Mel at 2AM on a weeknight to get her to take her out to buy marijuana. Mel got out shortly after that!

(ghettobooty, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 0:17, archived)

One of my current house mates

manages to piss on the toilet seat. Everytime he takes a piss.

(ruck0r, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 0:33, archived)

I had one like that,

except he always peed on the floor. I'd get up in the middle of the night for the loo and step barefoot into a nice puddle of syrupy wee. I embarrassed the crap out of him one night, as he was still up and entertaining friends in the lounge room. I went in and in front of everybody asked him to clean his pee off the floor.

Same guy stole the quilt off my bed one night. While I was asleep under it. He had been fucking some guy who was going to stay the night, but he only had a single size quilt. Decided mine was a better size for two people. That guy gave him crabs that night.

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HairyCanary as Ann B. Davis as Alice, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 5:36, archived)

Worst. Flatmates. Ever.

I (my dad) once had a couple of flatmates that were total loons. And not in a good way. At one point they filled up a jumbo-size garbage bag with water, hauled it up to the roof of their 11-story building, and proceeded to throw it off. The force upon impact could have killed somebody. Had somebody been there.

Meanwhile...

I knew somebody that got into an argument with a flatmate of theirs over who would take out the trash. Being fed up, the flatmate retreated to the bathroom. Not letting him off that easily, my friend started pounding on the door. His flatmate answered, with one hand behind his back. He then proceeded to chase my friend around the flat, with a turd in his bare hands. He threw it. He missed. Thank goodness.

(Digitdean: Disappointing Fans Since 1989!, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 0:42, archived)

You are your own dad?

So how does that work then? Is it the usual (i.e. a time machine) or something more perverse?

(Daveybaby, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:09, archived)

Peach yoghurts

One of my flatmates would spend the entire weekend lying on the sofawatching Electric blue videos, eating Bovril and DairyLea cheese French bread rolls and wanking in to Peach yoghurt containers. He was also partial to wetting himself in his shiny Adidas shorts in the shower.

(Eggy Whiff, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 1:15, archived)

I feel I've already answered this one with the pranks thread,

but who am I to resist the strident demands of b3ta?

Current roommate! Ah, let me take a moment to savor the love I feel for her. Much the same sort of love that one would feel for a particularly tenacious strain of the stomach flu.

She does many things to endear herself to me.

Bleaching her hair in the room is bad enough, as that stuff smells horrible and she never opens a window. It is made worse, however, when she spills it on the carpet. Our carpet now looks like it's got the mange.

I wouldn't mind her watching TV, if she didn't happen to do it at 4 am. With the volume on high. When I have class the next morning at 8 am. And it really would help if it wasn't MTV. MTV all the time. She'll watch the same episode of a show 15 times. The 16th time she'll say, "Oh, I've seen this before." Then she'll leave it on and watch it again.

If I have something like yogurt in the fridge, and she wants to put something of hers in, she'll take my yogurt out and put it somewhere to spoil. I didn't find one for two months, and when I finally did I opened it and discovered a thriving colony of something green and fuzzy.

She will go out and get roaringly drunk as often as she possibly can. This would be annoying but tolerable on Fridays and weekends, but when she does it on weeknights, when *I* have class in the morning, it is not a good time.

She has a tendency, when drunk, to bring random frat guys back to the room. I once was rudely awakened at 5 am on a Wednesday night (or Thursday morning) by sounds of, ahem, thrusting. And squealing. I put my hands over my eyes and said, very loudly, "It is fucking 5am. I need to go to class in 2 hours. I can fucking hear you, you know. Get. Out."

The sounds stopped for about minute. Then a guy's voice said, "That must be your roommate." Dear Roomie said, "Yeah. That's her." The thrusting and squealing then recommenced. I think I was in shock for about a minute, then I got up, stormed out, and slept in one of my hallmate's rooms.

Screamed bloody murder at her the next morning, though. She didn't talk to me for two days. Thought I was being "unreasonable". I yelled all sorts of things about 'common decency' and 'the mildest of regard for human beings'. Eventually I came to learn that these were concepts with which she was not acquainted.

If I don't get a single next year someone in Housing is going to get it.

(

TheFelineAnarchist, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 1:36, archived)

WHY?

Why the watermelon would you open a yoghurt that's been 'evolving' for 2 months??!???!!!!!

AND, then be surprized to discover a whole new colony of lifeforms!?!

(

Cheeky Boy! loves horses..., Wed 19 Nov 2003, 13:51, archived)

flatmate from hell

I had a flatmate once that was always up himself, intimidated the female flatmates, and tried to believe everyone (or at least himself) that he was the next soccer world star, the weedly little prick also wanted to borrow my pushbike and when I said no, he used it as spare parts for his broken bike because he couldn't undo the lock on it. needless to say I helped the female flatmates put laxatives in his "energy protien drinks" and I reclaimed my bike parts by reducing his bike to a box of parts itself! And the prick also borrowed the landlady's 4WD-truck without permission (when no one but the landlady is allowed to touch the truck!)

(Mad Nashy, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 2:01, archived)

Horror Roommates

Several years ago, I shared an apartment which featured bedrooms connected by a door with windowpanes which had been painted over and covered with corkboard for privacy and good measure.

One night, I was suddenly awakened by the sound of shattering glass. My roommate had thrust his leg through the glass in the door separating our bedrooms.

As the shock of this rude awakening wore off, I realized the leg-through-the-door incident was the result of a particularly raucous round of roommate mansex.

More importantly, I realized I had to pee. So, ignoring the slaughtered-yak noises of my roommate's sexual sturm-und-drang, I trudged to the bathroom, turned on the light, and began to step on the cold tile floor...

...until I realized that the ENTIRE FLOOR WAS SMEARED WITH FECES.

After two days of silent mortification and rage, I finally confronted the roommate about the incident. He told me that he "had a few too many to drink" that night, and a friendly bar customer helped him home and up the stairs. And then, my roommate said he tried "really hard to hit the toilet", but was too drunk and pooped on the floor. He then tried to clean up, but apparently he was too drunk to do anything but spread his dookie across the entirety of our bathroom floor.

And then he had sloppy drunken muddy butt sex with the person who helped him home, and smashed a big hole through the wall with his leg.

(Oh, and two weeks later I found a crackpipe in the living room.)

(Anxiety, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 2:04, archived)

i laughed out loud at that.

and the disturbing bit is, i really don't know why.

(

TheFelineAnarchist, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 4:30, archived)

That's grim.

And the story has given me the wrong idea about crackpipes now.

(

Fronkle99, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:13, archived)

When I was at uni

someone threw up in the bathroom.
Although he was too stoned to clean it up, he left a very polite, well worded and funny note apologising & promising to clean it up in the morning.

(never saw him smoke after that)
What a nice chap!

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Duncan Disorderly, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 20:17, archived)

Certainly not from Hell. Possibly from Venus though.

Whilst qualifying many moons ago, I had to spend a fortnight in Bath. I was given a list of short-term rooms to rent and picked the one closest to St. Martin's hospital.
I turned up and met the landlady and her "sister", two fairly pretty women in their early thirties. Quite obviously lesbian lovers, but never mind. Got on very well with them, they let me have a key and after a couple of days they even made me free sandwiches for lunch. What more could you ask for?

At the end of the first week there was a cock-up at the hospital and I came back in the early afternoon. I didn't notice the closed curtains as I opened the door, but I did notice the interesting goings-on in the living room. One of them (the slightly less attractive one, unfortunately) was naked, trying to cover herself with sofa cushions, whilst the other was looking frantic and holding a camera. Which was nice.
After much panic and apologising, they explained that they sold the photos (which I think was supposed to make me feel better). Obviously, I laughed it off - it was their house, they weren't expecting me back and, to be honest, what man would complain about sharing a house with two vaguely attractive lesbian pornographers?

They tended to stay in their bedroom after that. I still got sandwiches though. And the less attractive one bought me a red tie, which I still wear to anything vaguely official.

And before you ask - no, I didn't see any of the photos. Although it turned out they were some kind of foot fetish specialists, so I don't think I missed anything.

Sadly the story ends on a distinctly shite note - the day before I was due to leave, the less attractive one was run down by some drink-driving bastard at a pelican crossing. She suffered massive injuries and I never did find out if she lived or not. Ho hum.

(

Dr.A, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 2:44, archived)

Worse Fatmate ever

*^^^^^^^^^^^*
NOT A TYPO!

You got pick this one for your radio!! I dare anyone to Beat this one.

Ok, at uni, Lived with the thickest skankiest b*stard ever.

Ok we shall start with, he told us that he was german, but yet his surname was 'stevens' and both his parents were scottish, we asked for proof but he said that he didnt have a normal passport, he had a NATO passport and its was classified, so he couldn't show it to anyone. This was due to being in the army in excess of 20 years, even tho he was just 21, such a prodigy must of been recruited in the womb!!

He claimed to have expert knowledge in everything, even tho he was doing a foundation course in engineering, he was only doing this to get 'back to basics' He went as far as to argue with me over some phonetic aspects of the portuguese language, he also tried to teach me some portuguese pronunciation, unknowing to him that im fluent in the language, and wouldnt accept when i told him he was wrong, he said that i must of learnt it outta some 'average language book', well actually i learnt it from my parents, but hey who am i to argue with such a GENIUS!

He claimed that he was quite buff (fat B*stard), he also claimed that he could lift in excess of 90 Kg (roughly 180 lbs) with one arm alone, This was followed by his claim that he managed to complete an army's Basic fitness test (an assault course and a 5 mile run) in 15 minutes, this man was a machine!!

OK then this brings us on to, his personal hygiene, he was seen to shower only twice in the year that he lived with us, and also he claimed to have piles, which meant he couldnt sit down properly, wich led us to finding lots of poo on the actual toilet seat itself.

Now, comes the cooking, his favourites include fried black pudding on spaghetti laced with vinegar, and once he tried making 'honey roast ham' by placing some bacon, oil and honey in a frying pan, and then promptly placing the whole thing in the oven to 'roast'. He once asked for advice on how to thicken up a stew' which we was advised to mix a table spoon of flour with water to make a paste, then add it to thicken the stew, he was later that evening reported to be mixing some flour and water, on the spoon it self and moaning that there wasnt enough room on the spoon for such an activity.

Ooh, he went to get a tatoo of a dragon on his lardy arm, later the same day came back with half a dragon, he said that it looked more original that way, later found out from the tattoo guy himself that he cried so much, they had to stop and he had agreed to go back later to finish the tatto but he never actually returned.

He actually stayed 3 months longer than the tenancy agreement intended, he moved out 3 days before the new person ahd to move in, in which we had to repaint the room, hoover the carpet 4 times and and febreeze the whole place, the landlord was so disghusted by the state of his crusty bed, he actually went out and bought a new one.

When he did his washing he would leave his 'skid' riden boxers drying in the kitchen radiator for all to see. Oh, and when he went out 'moshing' he always wore the same outfit, some leather trousers that looked way too tight, a single leather waistcoat and a white bandana, he dressed this way because it made him look 'suspicious'. What a w*anker!!

These are just some of the things i remember.

(minger_patrol, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 3:28, archived)

He may be known by me.

Ack, i know someone just like him. not my flatmate, one of my friend's. He also had half a tatoo (no dragon, a nude lady. AAAA! RUN!) which he flexed at my friend sometimes and said "come one, get some watermelon!" He was the same way. Never knew him too well, he moved out quick when he met her biker/gun toting boyfriend.

(number 27-hunter, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 21:30, archived)

This is amazingly tame

compared to most of the others here, but I used to live with a guy who would leave half eaten swiss-rolls everywhere (including under sofa cushions, to be discovered months later) and also leave jam-laden knives firmly adhered to any available surface. Perhaps his worst habit, however, was blowing his nose on toilet roll and stuffing the used tissues down the centre of the roll - presumably for someone else to recycle later if they got desperate? Oh and he threw up in one of our pans one night too.. Good job nobody mistook it for last night's bolognaise leftovers!

(Sorry, mate, if you're reading this, I couldn't resist :)

(Cartroo, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 3:37, archived)

In my second year at Uni...

.. I lived with a manic depressive epileptic amd a lad with a phobia of bins.

The bin phobia lad could not bring himself to either buy a bin or walk down the hall to the kitchen bin, so he used to throw his rubbish such as banana skins, apple cores, used condoms etc into the corridor outside his room.

The manic depressive epileptic decided to see what it would be like to take 10 Prozacs one day whilst I was at my girlfriends house; 'bin boy' found him passed out on the landing and called an ambulance in a fit of panic.

The paramedics fed 'MDE' boy charcoal in a hope that it would soak up the drugs. He promptly thew up the charcoal / drugs / food leaving black puke all over the bathroom walls and floor.

I moved in with my girlfriend soon after.

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TooMuch2AM, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 5:06, archived)

Wouldn't it be awful if you were the flatmate someone was banging on about?

Again at uni is where we met ours... myself and my partner had to share digs with people who would regularly go out clubbing or to score drugs and wouldn't pay rent or bills. The landlord used to visit but they were always out, the local kebab shop sent around a black belt in karate with a fistful of bounced checks, and the manager of barclays bank once visited to enquire about the amount of money one of them had borrowed (well £9,500 in a year and a half was a bit excessive seeing as this was before tuition fees - oh and the bank manager did look like the grim reaper). The landlord finally snapped and threw us out when he came to chase one flatmate for rent (unfortunately he had brought round some prospective tennants fo the next term) and found a sink full of puke that hadn't been cleaned for over a week in his room instead. I thought he was going to have a coronary on the spot as he went deeper and deeper shades of red.... oh and it all ended in a fight and me being threatened "I'll stab you in the neck" ..... nice flatmates.

(garfi3ld, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 7:14, archived)

I'm lucky

and have never really had any nasty flatmates. Unfortunately I think I was always the worst one in my student houses.

This usually involved alcohol and me needing to be looked after by other people (yeah yeah, I know - what a surpise!).

Anyway, I would regularly get pissed, come home and watch telly loudly whilst shouting random obscenities at it. Usually I'd be ranting about a completely different programme to whatever I was watching.

I threw up in the lounge a few times too - once was after drinking a few bottles of red wine. Definitely not pleasant. Also the first time I threw up in there I decided it'd be a good idea to clean it up using the hoover. Even now, the hoover probably stinks of puke everytime it's used...

Another time my housemate and his best mate came home from a club to find a "dead body" in our front garden. I'd failed to manage to work my key into the door and decided to sleep underneath my bedroom window. My friends then had to carry me into the house after, unfortunately, waking me up - causing me to hurl abuse at the top of my lungs.

In other situations it was not unknown for me to wake housemates at similar times of the morning repeatedly tapping my key against the door because I kept missing the keyhole.

There was also the time I walked into my (female) housemate's room in the middle of the night because I forgot where I was and walked to where my room was at my parents. Fortunately, I managed to realise my mistake before things got too serious...

I'm sure I did more than this, but that's all I can really remember off the top of my head. Like I say - wasn't a flatmate from hell, more of an irritating bastard.

(

Ijon Tichy, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 7:27, archived)

haha

cleaning sick up with a hoover. I like that :)

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beefandcheese, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:44, archived)

i've done that.

twice.

(

mikeisbrill, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 13:04, archived)

If only it was a Dyson

You could watch it whizz reound and mix with all the other carpet crud to make a 'lovely' puke and fluff smoothie!

(

Cheeky Boy! loves horses..., Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:05, archived)

Karen, bitch flatmate from hell!

Her name was Karen, she lived for a hellish year in our flat in Edinburgh. She had a grating Weedgie accent, we should have guessed.

She had a boyfriend called Frank, who was a bit older, and married. Thinking back, we maybe got off on the wrong foot as when they both came round the first time and another flatmate, Nancie, made some comment about her father having come to view the flat with her. AT Frank moved in with her when he was eventually chucked out the house by his wife, we only knew this becasue of the almost daily letters adressed to Frank from the CSA.

Frank was a star, the first night they stayed he, drunk he claims though I'm not convinced, turned up naked in another (female) flatmate's bedroom.

Karen and Frank were drinkers, big drinkers. We quickly discoverd that it wasn't safe to leave booze in the kitchen. At first, she would apologize for the stolen booze with some excuse and replace it, but when the replacements started going astray as well, and when Nancie discovered a bottle of her gin was more than half water, we realised it was a lost cause.

They'd go out on benders and roll home in such a state that she rarely seemed able to operate the lock on the fromt door. Sadly, the doorbell was still within her grasp. Sometime near the end of her stay, after listening to her ringing and banging on the door for at least half an hour, I finally gave in and opened the door for her. "About f*cking time" she sluured in her Weedgie drawl, "what kept ye?", and staggerd past me into the flat.

Karen and Frank were fighters too, they argued like no couple I've ever met. Drink fueled arges at three in the morning were common. As the atmosphere in the flat plummete they tended to eat take-away food in her room and the fights regularly seemed to involve trowing the food, unless it was some kinky game. She came out mid fight to take a phone call with fried rice in her hair like glitter. The pinnacle though, was when the police arrived in the smal hours to tell us, with a bareley straight face, that a complaint of domestic abuse has been received. The reason for the officers smirks were made clear when Karen came out to claim that she had been assaulted with a kebab. On the plus side, Frank was chucked out and we disn't see him for a week or two.

Then there was the used tampon in the kitchen sink, we never did get an explanation of that one!

When she finally left we discovered the state of her room. All those food fights had taken their toll. The place was a toilet, it stank, there were bits of dried noodle stuck to the walls and roof. We also discoverd she's stiffed us on the concil tax.

I was kind of glad to see her go. She left no forwarding address, dissapeared into the night given the amount of cash wshe owed us, but we tracked her down. Last time I saw her I was on her doorstep, handing her the demands from the council and CSA and promising to pass on her new address to all and sundry, including the landlord who was keen to speak to her about a cleaning bill. The look on her face was a picture and made up slightly for the hell she'd put us through.

(urchaidh, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 8:22, archived)

mmm drink and drugs..

I lived in canada for 3 months a few years back, and my flatmate there suffered from manic depression. He would get slaughtered most nights out and try and pick a fight with someone.. but one particularly colourful night he brought home some girl he'd pulled in a nightclub and proceeded to have rough and noisy sex with her in the living room. ... it then turns out she was a heroin addict and she really flips, next thing i hear from the relative safety of my bedroom is her smashing up the place, and we're not talking half-heartedly here, proper holes in the living room walls. Then I hear him saying to her "you shouldn't eat those.. you're really pretty and that will spoil your looks", apparently she was eating my dipsposable razors, blades and all! I got out of bed to ask them both to get the watermelon out and she looks me in the eye and starts gobbing all over the floor! Eventually I got her out of the house by suggesting we all go for a coffee somewhere, as soon as we were out of the house she lies down in the middle of the road saying "seeing as you are both my new best mates.. you'd save me from being run over wouldn't you?"..... I went home again at that point :)

(thebrush, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 8:56, archived)

Nightmare Mackham

When I was at Uni in Sunderland I shared a house for a year with a local girl. I am quite petite and she well wasn't petite by any stretch of the imagination but used to nick my clothes and then wear them so that they were stretched beyond all use to me. she would just say oh well I'll keep it then shall I? Cow.
Also she not only never did the washing up she used to stash dirty dishes UNDER HER BED! It's not just me is it, that is weird. This reached a crisis point when upon my return from home after Xmas there was literally no cups, plates, cutlery - nothing! Sluttish housemate wasn't in so I went searching. Amazingly there was nothing under her bed but I eventually found everything in the airing cupboard. Ewww! So I did the only sensible thing and went to the pub where she worked and had a big shouting and swearing match there. I believe the best insult I hurled "Was you scummy fat cow, if you ever steal my clothes again I will slap you from here to South Sheilds, now watermelon off and find somewhere else to live!" She did, but not until she had stolen £200 from my other housemates but my clothes and dishes were safe forever more and they shouldn't have been so stupid as to believe she was going to pay the Gas bill so it was fair enough I think! Her name was Naomi.

(Bezmina, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 9:22, archived)

My 2 housemates are extremely odd

One of them irons nothing at 3AM - i.e. she runs the iron up and down the ironing board with no clothes on it, and then she forces me to give my pillows to her friends.
The other one scares me every day by looking like a small tramp (I'm also a bit scared that he may have been weeing in my bed)
On Sunday they told me that if I didn't take them to the zoo, they would hate me for ever.
They both be famous users of this board - any guesses as to their identities?

(Thomas The Wank Engine, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 9:46, archived)

my hell...

in my first year at Uni in Stafford, I had a flat mate called bing who was obssessed with Fray Bentos pies.. he often didnt understand why he constantly had the shits.. oh.. and on that point,, he would also burst in on you whilst you were having a shower/bath to take his fray bentos fuelled shits!! ( and yes i did fix the lock many times)

He also liked to walk round the flat just in his underwear and often thought it was funny to flap his knob out on peoples head whilst they were watching tv. He also didnt understand that you actually needed to move pots from under your bed in order to clean them.. including your flat mates pots and pans.
very strange bloke... generous though.. especially if you liked pies.. and his bird had the biggest tits!!! i had the pleasure of seeing her in her underwear many times..

you see, every cloud has a silver lining..

(Chunk Mcfunk, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 9:53, archived)

Oh, it's that old shit flatmate thing........

I lived with the same people all through Uni because they were clean and always paid there bills, but.......

They all talked in baby voices.

They managed to always look at me like I was about to be put down.

They had a photo gallery above the fireplace with pictures of them but no 'me' , beside thank you cards they had sent to each.... other the Forever Friends variety...

I didn't like them, but on my 21st birthday they had a house party in my honour.. I went off somewhere else for the night, to return and find they had all been taking magic mushrooms, one guy (boyfriend) had been caught naked, wanking beside a bin, outside the police station, another was talking to himself in the bathroom. When I got back I decided to get the hell out with a potential love interest, they wouldn't let me leave the house because they were worried about my state of mind...and because the party was for me it was all my fault apparently...they thought I was Satan from that day on.

One was obsessed with trainers and had the same pair in 5 different colours, she would sit and clean them with a toothbrush for hours.

Another was a religious nut who had never had sex and was desperate, the other was anorexic and on anti depressants.

Because I had friends, went out all the time and didn't care if my trainers were scuffed I was immoral and wrong. I still hate them, I hope they have all had some kind of 'middle class too much free time and money to have a personality' psychotic episode, it was on the cards...........

(skidmorejenkins, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:30, archived)

OOooh.

Firstly, you have the BEST NAME EVER.

Secondly, I don't know about her, but is he Sir Sand Goblin? Everyone seems to love talking about how much he sucks.

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 7:52, archived)

Hmmm.....

.....I'm not related to one of them am I?
And does the other one support St Albans City FC?

(

Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:04, archived)

The Nutter Housemate and my sweet revenge

I once lived with what seemed the perfecly lovely girl before I moved in with her. Then she turned into the single white female!!

She let me and my cat move in and at first it was all great, until her behaviour became erratic and she would cry all the time and ignore me for no reason and steal my clothes. She would also invite her friends around and tell them to ignore me, as if to force me out. Then she bought a puppie to piss my cat off and the dog pissed everywhere and she would not clean anything up so there was piss and poo everywhere.

The last straw came when I went downstairs a few days before christmas and found a note on the fireplace - saying things were not working as she was going through a nutter stage and wanted me to move out. She did not even have the guts to tell me. And she disappeared that weekend so I could not confront her.

My revenge for being kicked out just before christmas day - I moved all my stuff out while she was out. Pissed on her bathroom carpet and put it in the tumble dryer with her clothes and span it around a while. Then took the mat out and put it on the floor a little damp. So by now all her clothes were not so fresh shall we say. Then to cap it all off I wiped myself (you know where) with her face cloth!!! Yes that is seriously grim but she deserved it for treating me like a prisoner in my own home and stealing from me. I have never done any revenge type stuff before - and boy it did feel good and I often wondered about her wearing those clothes and not knowing why they smelt.

My story should be in a revenge is sweet posting really ! Sorry for the ramble !

(minikins, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:11, archived)

Blimey...

...and to think I knew you!

(

drdavej, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:14, archived)

Nutters with a Dalek in da house !

Need I say more, but they look less scary when you hang your underwear on them.

(minikins, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:42, archived)

my housemate..

A proper computer spod. he had two computers in his room sat next to each other, one for him and one for his girlfriend (pigfriend would be a little more accurate). They would sit in his room, not saying a word to each other but would talk via the internet. Meanwhile he'd be chatting up other (generally fat) women and sending his penis photos around and occasionally managed to convince a few round, I dare say to look at his bizarre collection of porn. I used to wind him up by hiding his porn or other possessions but he would never approach me about it, just leave post it notes around the house. Disturbingly, he send said cock photos to a girl, who happened to be a friend of his ex's, who had made out to be 14 or 15.

(welly, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:19, archived)

that is severely

weird.

(McDave, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:32, archived)

smelly and ginger housemates

in my second year at uni i lived with this bloke who really smelt. he played hockey a lot and the stink from his sweaty shin pads overwhelmed the house, that and his bo. we had to put Police Tape oputside of his room and traffic cones as warning to unsuspecting visitors of the house. In the same house was this fat ginger bloke, who constantly set off the fire alarm when cooking sausages.

(jimmyjames, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:38, archived)

racist twunt

Maybe some day we'll all be ginger and free.

(

Zuowan, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 20:41, archived)

Housemates

the Ones I had at Uni were fine, more or less, but after uni I had some right nutters - We were 4 hetero lads and 1 gay guy with self esteem issues, so we'd be bringing back ladies and making with the (noisy)love, he'd get no loving, and got increasingly bitter to the point where he moved out on Boxing day having phoned a Brazillian bumgay chat line for 2 hours...then we found where he lived and scared the shite out of him for the £50 phone bill!

The other more recent one, was some guy who talked to himself when he first moved in (and spent an hour looking at the house on the first visit - unfortunately my voice "Don't let him move in, he's a nutter" was lost in the wilderness), then disintegrated into hallucinations (He left post-it notes saying shit like "Beware the Spiders") and sent his chocolate and margarine back to the manufacturers stating he saw worms in them, then he started attacking our butter with knives having seen worms in them too! This then led to weird shouting at odd times of the day (which scared the neighbours too "Get THE watermelon OUT OF MY HEAD!!"), weird cooking (Tuna and Orange on Poridge oats)and the final Straw, phoning the police at 3am saying he had seen burglars in the house, which led to him seeing intruders on a weekly basis, and chasing them into our rooms (and scaring the ever loving crap out of us!) We called his mum, who called a quack, who said the best thing to do would be for him to stay with us!! TWUNT! Still the house was sold to another Landlord who raised the rent by £50, so the three of us went our seperate ways with no notice leaving nutter with the house (and full months rent to pay - I should add he lost his job as a courier for chatting to receptionists and scaring the shit out of them) it was worth losing the £150 deposit...almost. I still live in fear of seeing a battered white Peugeot 205 driving to my door (which he used to spend every Saturday inspecting, sitting in, and then inspecting again)! Sorry for the long post, but I kept remembering some the stuff he did

(Rockster77, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:02, archived)

I shared a flat about

10yrs ago in Rock Ferry Nr Birkenhead with my Girlfriend at the time Kirsty and my mates Girlfriend Vikki, they were fine to live with but:

The house we lived in had 3 flats and we lived in the middle one,

On the bottom floor lived an old guy who we paid the rent to (he wasn't the owner but he was a mate of his, he'd lived there for 20 odd years) he was a pretty cool guy and he owned a pawnbrokers which came in handy if we where skint cause we'd just go down stairs with a stereo or walkman and he'd lend us money on them for a week or so for no charge, until one time Vikki went down to borrow some cash his door was open and she walked in to find him wanking off to a bestiality movie, the poor guys face was a picture apparently and from then on when we were short we'd send Vikki down again and he'd just give her money cause he was so embarrassed, we lived there 18mths and reckon we took him for at least two grand (we figured he could afford it though as he always seemed to have wads of £50's sat on the mantle piece above his fire).

The bloke on the top floor Brian was a different story all together, from the outside he seemed ok baring in mind he was 27 and we were around 19, he was always coming out with stuff about himself when he was in the army and once even tried to get us to believe he was in the SAS! he went the whole hog on this buying an old army uniform, replica cap badges and stripes etc, we just left him to his own little fantasy world, until the time he decided to break into my flat while I was at work what he didn't think of was the fact Kirsty and Vikki were still in there, this resulted in a vicious cat fight in which both the girls got a few injuries, I got home to find most of the lounge smashed up during the fight i.e. telly etc.

Well I'm not soft now and I wasn't back then but considering this guy 'Used' to be in the SAS he couldn't abseil three floors - then again he didn't have a rope!! he never grassed me up for it even though he was in the hospital for 2mths so I'll give him his dues for that one.

We moved out after that due to hearing gunfire at night, if anyone knows the area then they'll know what i'm on about!

(Mr M@ Probably not that difficult!, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:39, archived)

oh and another one!

my room mate at uni was mostly sound but insisted on using his half of the room as a store for his pink canoe. This canoe looked somewhat like a giant cock and so gave me nightmares.. but that wasn't the problem I had with him. It was mainly when he did stop over (having shifted the cock out of the room for a weekend), he had a habit of sleep walking. Sleep walking into the room across the hall and pissing over the bed. This happened a few times.

(welly, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 10:51, archived)

I'd nominate my flatemate jon

Back at university I lived next door to this guy who helped to run a university sponsored dance club. For some reason this required him to be off his bonce on E all the time, and to play intensely loud techno through my bedroom wall at all hours. In fact the only time it was quiet was when the fucker was out running the club.

One night Jon returned from clubbing, on, we estimate 8 Es. He came in as normal, but quickly went balistic, and started screaming at Sean (our token stoner flatmate)'s door. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SARAH YOU C*NT! WHERE IS SARAH? YOU BASTARD, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU. I mean, in a REALLY unhinged way. He then started to kick Sean's door down. This took about half an hour, all of the time he was screaming that Sean had done something to Sarah. I honestly thought
a) He was going to kill Sean
b) Sean had actually done something to Sarah, and Jon was going to kill Sean

After trembling in my bed for the remainder of the night imagining Jon stalking the flat with a knife, I awoke to a silent flat, Sean's broken door, and the explanation.

"Sarah" was Jon's Sarah Lee chocolate cake, which he had purchased that morning. Sean had got stoned, eaten the whole cake, and then gone out to his girlfriend's....

(

expf, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:05, archived)

That doesnt

sound like 8 E's to me.
Decidedly unfluffy.

(Daveybaby, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:28, archived)

that's what always suprised me

i thought he would have been utterly blissed out but his mates said that at some point in the evening he would just flip (hence the 8e estimate). Looking back I think his issues ran a bit deeper than the drugs...

Once he became convinced that the guy he bought dope off was microwaving the blocks of resin to make them expand, and ripping pople off by pretending there was more of it than there really was. So in the dead of night, he broke into the dealer's block of flats at the hall of residence he lived in, and stole EVERY microwave from every kitchen (it was a big block - I think about 20 flats) - not just the dealer's own flat. He had them stacked in his room for a couple of days until he managed to pick the lock of a storage cupboard and he packed them in there. Took the cleaners a few days more to find them.

Come to think of it before he came to university i think he did quite a lot of housebreaking. Once he told me about how he had fallen out with his previous housemate and decided to leave. Feeling a bit aggrieved, he decided the flatmate owed him, and he decided to nick his 24 inch telly. He calmly called a taxi, explained that he'd fallen out with his flatmate, and wanted to leave quietly with his stuff, so would it be ok to cart some bits and pieces with him. The taxi driver was very sympathetic, and actuall went back into the house to help him with the video, stereo etc. and carry it to the cab.
Nutter.

(

expf, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:32, archived)

I'm not quite sure why

but I think that may be the funniest thing I've heard all month

(

Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 20:03, archived)

Not so nasty....

After going drinking at 5pm me and the flatmate went out and made 100s of paper penguins out of those postcards that some pubs giveaway. When we staggered home at 2am, I arranged them so they read 'cranberry' outside my flatmates bedroom door. Childish drunken fun. I have the picture of those paper penguins somewhere.

After a similar night out's drinking we decided to unblock the kitchen sink using Mr Muscle, bleach, nasty 20 year old drain cleaner which is now banned and considered highly toxic and any other chemicals we could find. The result was we ended up making ammonia and he was immune to the effects while I was coughing and choking and thinking "Arrgh! I can't see properly! my eyes my eyes"

(

Bluesound, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:07, archived)

that first one's a lot more funny

with the censor on :D

(Icedude DOPEFISH LIVES, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:15, archived)

i was wondering...

...what the significance of a popular fruit used in juice drinks was *lol*

(

beefandcheese, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:59, archived)

Our housemate...

Was Lactose intollerant, but insisted in drinking at least 2 pints of milk a day, so woke up coughing and hawking loud enough to wake us... he'd then deposit his phlegm down the tiles and in the bath whilst he showered (occasionally), and as he was so hairy he would shed profusely all over the bathroom and it would stick to his bogey cough-ups... he skipped months paying rent, and brought his HUGE girlfriend home at weekends who squeled like a pig... his post coitus activities involved a long low groan followed by more hacking and snorting.

He left dishes for weeks with mouldy food in, blatently ate our food then denied it, managed to give three women at once(somehow) a dose, then finally did a runner to live with his bloater girlfriend in London, who realising he didnt have a job up there said no.

He withdrew his notice and now resides with his mum again sharing a room with his brother.

He's 28.

And the other day his bank cancelled his switch card and his overdraught cos he didnt change his address with them and we returned his new debit card to them with "not known at his address".... the overdraught was cancelled 4 days after he got paid and as his salary only just put him the the black again he was skint for a month.

Ha.

(mrpaulo shaving the world, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:10, archived)

My mate had a psycho Geordie

slag living with him in Edinburgh. She'd get twatted on Diamond White, pop into town, drag some poor deluded git home and nob him, volume set at 11 until the wee hours. Not too uncommon. It all got a bit too much when she picked up a STD, dragged my mate's girlfriend into the bathroom, dropped her knickers, spread her legs and said "It that normal?". Mate's girlfriend said she had more warts than her grandad and Lemmy put together. Munter.

(mutley, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:21, archived)

It's too dangerous to mention names and locations

But one of our housemates lay smoking in his
bed in his room, when some burning ash dropped
on the mattress and it caught light.

Not knowing what to do with the impending
inferno, he opened the sash window and bundled
the mattress out, where it landed on the lawn
2 floors below. It continued to burn and this
chap thought it would be a good idea to leap
out of the window and land on the mattress.

He had done this once, ran back inside and up
the stairs to his room and repeated the whole
activity 6 times before the fire brigade and
the police turned up to cart him off.

He later took a can of hair spray with a
lighter and used to stand in the living room and spray the hairspray over the flame at the
door when anyone came into the room.

(

groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:16, archived)

that is the most funny thing

I have heard so far on the board. "thought it was a good idea to jump out of the window and land on the (flaming) mattress"

(Jimmaw, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 0:08, archived)

ive lived with a load of strange people in my time at uni..

..but the strangest was a chinese guy called felix who barley spoke a word of english (when i asked him his name he replied business management. seriously.) he cooked what can only be described as dog food. he used to regularly piss all over the toilet floor. he used to openly stare at the chests of the three girls i lived with. and the strangest and perhaps scariest thing he did was stalk the corridors at night i used to hear him at all hours of the morning walking along the corridor outside my room - i knew it was him cos i saw him a few times when i went to the toilet during the night and other times i knew it was him cos only me, my girlfriend and him were on that floor and since i stayed in her room every night it kinda narrows it down a bit. definite head case.

(yokojakamotototo, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:33, archived)

Odd americans

Where do I begin. I've lived with a bunch of yanks over the years, but this one took the biscuit

Sharing a house with 2 others and a rotation of people for the for the fourth housemate whilst at university. For around 6 months we had an American dancer over. Harmless girl but none too bright. But not in an unitellegent way, but in a seriously lacking common sense way. Some gems include:

o Taking a bath in a tub covered in bleach spray
o Cleaning the kitchen and turning off all the plugs in the process -- including the oven, fridge and freezer.
o Putting things away from the surfaces: my flatmate was late one morning and didn't have time to make his instant coffee. I found the mug complete with granules and spoon in the fridge that afternoon.
o Wanting to return opened tins of stuff to the supermarket as they might be of use to the homeless or somesuch was the logic there.

I once had a dialogue along these lines:

Me: I'm off down to the supermarket, do you want anything?
Her: It's okay, but can you give me a lift down there?
Me: Well, how'm I going to do that, I'm going on my (push) bike
Her: You don't have a car?
Me: Err, no. (she'd been here for about 4 months by that time)
Her: So that's why I've never seen your car in the drive.

She was a Quaker, and a vegeterian, and used to cook huuuuge tofu/soya/whatever stews and soups that she'd freeze or fill the fridge with, and never eat.

But as a dancer, she hurt one of her feet. I think she tried a bunch of normal medical treatments and eventually moved onto a Chinese herbal thingy that must have cost her a bomb as she'd buy these every week. Anyway, it involved soaking the foot in a warm water bath of these herbs.

Problem was she wouldn't use, say, hot water from the tap or even boil the kettle, but used to boil a saucepan full of water, which, when it was too hot, would then cool with the cunning use of ice cubes, rather than, say, cold water.

There was a story one of the others had about her pulling a raw whole onion out of a boiling stew and taking a bite out of it like an apple after a misunderstanding (you know how you put whole onions in stuff for flavouring? well she didn't) but I wasn't there.

All in all an odd girl. We moved out and she came looking for us shortly after (with the rest of her family) for rent saying we'd stiffed her (which we hadn't). Very very odd.

(wobblytickle, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:36, archived)

Pants

My flatmate used to dry his pants in the microwave. Not saying this is a bad thing and
can be quite effective (top tip) but not
when you put them in for 60 minutes and
go for a bath.
I came back into a smoke filled house with another flatmate holding a stick with a burning pair of pants on the end of it.
I think it was his only pair of pants aswell.

(cort16, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:39, archived)

First Post

So not sure if this will work. Some mates from uni were all kinda bad to each other. but in a fun way.

(hairy_eric, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:49, archived)

How nice for ORSM.ii.net to store it for you...

(Sypher_5, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:52, archived)

Psycho!

Spent a year living with a total psycho called Zoe while at uni. Was moving out of halls after first year and going to get a place with my mate Andy. Zoe (who lived near us in halls) somehow managed to tag herself on to us, and she was to start with an ok girl.. bit "rah" but nice enough.

Our flat was pretty independant in that we each did our own thing, cooked for ourselves and generally socialised with others outside of the flat. All was fine.

Until odd things started happening...
Rock salt put into my sugar.
Dodgy spice shit put into my coffee
etc etc etc
She even tried to contaminate my washing powder with some dodgy fibre stuff.

The bitch had obviously been looking around my room (stuff moved.. and i then started leaving subtle tell tales to see when she'd been in)
The weird thing was.. she was always polite and fine when we talked..

I then heard via Andy that she's been slagging me off to him and others. Trying to make out that I was a weirdo.. when all i wanted was to be left in peace.

I was close to throwing her out of the flat and just trying to cover her share of the rent myself.

Ended up that we didn't say a word to each other for the last 4 months..

You cannot describe the relief I had going home that next summer.

btw, what is it with phychos and bog roll? She could use up a 9 pack in a week! Was she eating the stuff?

(

ChiefWiggum typing random stuff, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 11:58, archived)

My flatmate

was a sound bloke, but a wee bit nutty some times.

Wanted a new telly, and on his way out to buy one, was stopped in the street by some blokes in a white van selling TVs. Bargain! They carried the beast upstairs, put it in the living room, and left their mobile number as they left in case anything wasn't tip top. Upon switching it on, the tv had colour weirdness in the top corner (which went away after a couple of hours) Mein flattenmaten's response to this was to immediately phone the mobile number and leave a message describing at length how he was going to find them and kill them. Good idea. I arrived home from work to find every single stabby and hitty thing laid out methodically on the sofa. Ok-doaky. Given that these blokes, no doubt lovely, easy going white van driving gangster types, knew exactly where we lived, perhaps not the best idea. Coupled with the fact it was a one bedroomed flat (he kipped on the living room floor) in which these chaps knew their way around, it was fairly safe to say to say that any late night killing visits would be to the bedroom. My bedroom.

Yes. I slept very well for a week after that.

(PhoToCoPYtErrOriSt, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:00, archived)

I lived in the halls last year,

and as I'm a computing student I got a phone line fitted for internet access. This made me the only person in the flat with access to the net so when people wanted on the net I'd let them.

This was a bad idea with one flat mate in particular. This guy only went to class for the first month or so and then just sat around the flat all day until finally moving out at Christmas. During the day he kept himself "occupied" with a rather large, hardcore, (we're talking dwarves here,) porn collection which he would leave liberally scattered around the kitchen/lounge area.

Well one day he asked if he coud use the net while I was at college so I said yes as long as I didn't let anyone else in while I was out.

When I got back my mouse and keyboard were very sticky and there was "condensed milk" everywhere. It had to be condensed milk because I had to lift the mouse and keyboard to bin them and then clean my desk and to be honest I don't want to consider what else it could have been.

Another guy is a furry. Over the summer when I was backing up my machine I found a folder full of hardcore furry porn. Lovely.

Then there was the guy who ate nothing but pizza for 6 months, at which point he changed to boiled pasta with ketchup. There was one incident when he was drunk that he tried to climb out his bedroom window, along the exterior window sills and in the kitchen window. We lived four floors up. This guy also never showered. Ever.

Then there was the guy who kept bringing his girlfriend back. I could never look at her and keep a strange face so I'm sure she thinks I'm some sort of grinning imbecile.

At one point last year my lovely flatmates thought it would be clever to play darts with the kitchen knives. MY kitchen knives. Suffice to say the handles were broken afterwards.

My microwave also got used to cook CD's and eggs at one point, leaving me to clean it.

My food also kept getting eaten all the time. Don't know who by but it would just vanish. I did eventually discover that the reason I was unable to keep eggs in the fridge for more than a few hours is that they would be thrown out the window at passing neds.

I fecking hated the halls.

(

Gordon., Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:23, archived)

ah, the good old days...

...of student halls. i reckon there's definitely an art to it. either you can cope or you can't get out quick enough. the best strategy is to nail down all valuables and leave nothing lying around in public areas worth more than a pint of milk.

one of my mates from home used to complain that his flatmates used to eat his steaks. i mean christ - i'd eat steak if i found it in the fridge! when i was at college i survived on a diet of basmati rice (classy, see) and lea & perrins sauce. tabasco too if i was feeling exotic.

no particularly horrific flatmate stories though. although a friend of mine did get home one day to find that his house'mates' had broken into his room and shat on the only copy of his handwritten dissertation. nice.

needless to say, he moved out and the room was sealed up forever!

(greggo, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:20, archived)

What room mate?

On the first night of uni I made friends with a top guy who had the luxury of a double room to himself (or so we thought). After about a week we went into his room to find a wierd looking guy sittng on the empty bed. After politely enquiring who monkeys he was, it turned out that it was my mate's room mate, the guy who quitely came in in the early hours of every morning while he was asleep and left before he woke up. The reason we didnt know anyone else lived there was because he had no stuff.. literally no stuff! except for a few clothes and packets of crisps that he kept in his (locked) cupboard.

When he was actually in the room, all he would do is sit on his bed and stare at the rest of us. Nobody was allowed near his cupboard and he would eye you suspiciously while he pulled out a packet of wotsits or quavers and quickly lock it again. Any attempt to place yourself near the cupboard would result in him jumping off the bed to protect the contents with a steely look in his eye, once the danger had passed he would resume his staring duties.

Although the guy never actaully did anything, he scared the hell out of us, until one day he left and never came back (or so we thought......)

(sparkeh, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:28, archived)

weirdo

I lived with a weirdo in my first year at warwick ....
Top annoyances :
Smelt , v bad .. would empty the common room just by entering it.
His room had nothing in it , at all - he tried to look cool by saying this was the 'minimalist' look.
Always wore the same leather (!) trousers and reservoir dogs T-shirt... I mean why ?
Would sit outside of all the girls rooms in our halls singing love songs to them while they told him to get lost.
Got thrown out of his house in the second year by spiking a housemate's drink with acid ( who was a very straight laced christian type ).
Got thrown out of halls in his final year by cooking hash cakes and giving one to a law student without telling him what it was - does this guy just not learn!!
Always went on and on about doing acid in an effort to look cool - which always failed.
Did a Maths degree and would go on and on about Maths subjects in a 'wacky' way - loser.
Reckoned he was the brightest person in his year but left with a 2:2.

About 2 Months after I finsihed Uni , he got my number from a mutual 'friend' and called me up. He said he was coming down to stay for a bit and wondered if he could stop over at mine. Naturally , I hung up on him and kept a low profile for the next few weeks to avoid meeting him - easy enough since you could smell him coming from a mile off.

(nocomp, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:58, archived)

Flat mates from hell

In my first year at uni in Newcastle I had a flat mate called Stuart. He was a zeppelin. He came in on the first day carrying his game scenery for his war hammer games and when invited to the pub he stated that he didnt drink. For the next few months he never washed or shaved and ended up looking like an ugly worzel gummidge. he stank, wore awful slippers and taped radio 4 and listened to it over and over again every night whilst painting his daft war games gargoyles or whatever the watermelon they were. he was ignorant all the time and we really made an effort for the first few weeks. we then got pissed off and abused his food, appearance and his stench. he only wore one glove when it was cold cos he left the other back home and was too tight to buy another pair. i had an old telly with a dial to change channels where the signal goes black and white if u dont tune it in correctly... we were watching Schindlers list this one time and he took ten minutes trying to get the picture into colour (nob). he left uni in the january because he got mugged by some pikey 11 year old scallies on his way back from war games night in town (fucking hilarious).

(djbmp, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:47, archived)

My God

...I am NEVER moving to the UK now. I knew you were a strange lot and I love your sense of the absurd, but cripes there seem to be to many nutters floating about to feel safe. I have been lucky enough NEVER to have had a roommate (until I got married, but that's another thread...ahem). Guess I'll stay put in Germany as the Germans are all arschlochs but at least they are mostly wimpy and back down when confronted...

(Skipthewhip, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 12:56, archived)

airee

when living with my brother a couple of years ago, his kiwi mate (plus girlfriend) had been kicked out and needed a place to stay (the reason he was kicked out was for falling through the ceiling of his previous place after drunken attic mayhem: a telling sign we failed to take note of)
on his first night, i happily lent him my keys while i went to work at my bar. i told him that my brother was nowhere near, and so corrin MUST stay in that night. needless to say. he went out, and left me on my doorstep in the freezing cold for four hours in the middle of brixton.
he and his girlfriend were suitably noisy when it came to anything carnal, so we could never understand why he left loads of filthy porn all over the flat. also, he would do his best to be as naked as possible for most of the day.
after his girlfriend disappeared (never to be seen again), he took to ripping our shower head off the wall: 'i thought it was meant to do that!', and then lighting cigarettes on the stove, without EVER turning it off. needless to say, he would leave the flat, with that hob going for anyhting up to a day before any of us noticed. thankfully he moved out after finally finding a place of his own, but would still return at four or five in the morning with screams of 'i've got a chicken!' (he would actually have a chicken in a bag), or claims that he just met a real live eskimo on the street with a wheelie bin full of beers. he's fucking nuts. i love him.

(andy hunter only responds to a series of clicks and whistles, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:08, archived)

Arghh!

I spent 6 months in a shared house with a complete loon:

You know that cup or pot that most people use to keep their toothbrushes in, just somewhere to keep the brushes and the paste together. Well I come home one day and notice all the brushes and the paste on the side and the cup on a shelf? A bit odd I thought, took the pot down only to find it with filled with white material and from the smell of it bleach! Looking again inside the pot I realised what was in it, yes she's had one of those monthly accidents and decided the best way to clean it was to use 'that' cup and some bleach.

I never left my toothbrush out again.

To continue her trend of ‘interesting ways to clean things’ when the washing machine broke she took all her clothes, put them in the bath, bleached them (maybe she got a discount bulk purchase) and then put them all into a black bin bag. Odd enough as that was she then left them inside that black bag in her wardrobe for about 2 months. The smell of rotting cloth was absolutely disgusting, it's not like she didn't notice either (other than us almost beating her to death when she wouldn't do anything about them) she would spray about a can of air freshener into the room before she would go in it.

That also explains why sometimes you would wake up in the middle of the night and find her asleep next to you, the smell got that bad.

(

HornO, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:20, archived)

Hell is a flatmate called Mr T

A few years ago I had the misfortune to share a rather run down but spacious flat in Edinburgh. Upon moving in I noticed on closer inspection that the place had also been somewhat neglected on the cleaning front.... whilst sticking to the kitchen floor I tried to introduce the idea of chore sharing on a weekly rota which was agressively refused by a grumpy and obtuse flatmate who responded "we clean the kitchen floor every 6 months with a metal scouring pad - thats all it needs and I'm not doing any more". In the corner of the kitchen lay at least 2 years worth of newspapers and beer bottles for recycling and guess what - he was the only person in the flat to have a car.....which he surprisingly refused to use for such a demeaning errand...

(liesel, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:29, archived)

A housemate from uni

was a right perv. He told us in the pub one day about the antics he used to get up to:
He would lie on his bed with his legs legs up against the wall, wank, and try to catch it in his mouth. His bedroom was the front lower room, the lounge in any other house. He used to wank behind the net curtains as people were walking passed him feet away in the street, cos it turned him on as they couldn't see him.

(Speccy, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 13:43, archived)

Doubt

that one will go out on the radio show *yuk*

(garfi3ld, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 14:27, archived)

Yes

I am insanely jealous of all you brits who get to listen to the radio show. You should make it an MP3 or something and put it in the newsletter.

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 8:41, archived)

it goes out on the web

you know. click the link on the front page.

(

wingphil, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:17, archived)

Dave B

I had a housemate, Dave, about 10 years ago who used to go out at exactly 7am every morning without fail and return at exactly 11pm every evening. When at home he would go straight to his room and not leave it until going out the next day. I don't know where he went but we knew he wasn't working. If we knocked on his door he'd ignore us. We didn't mind, he paid his rent, (left on the kitchen table without speaking to anyone).

After a couple of months or so a horrendous smell began emanating from his room. We never saw him to be able to confront him and one afternoon we drunkenly decided that he had a body in there and the correct course of action was to break down his door. In the end this wasn't necessary because we were able to pick the lock on his door.

What we found inside was the entire floor covered with rubbish literally waist deep with a clearing so the door could open. There were milk bottles filled with piss on every flat surface and cardboard boxes containing shit piled high in the corners of the room.

On top of all this mess we saw his diary. I'm not proud of reading it but he had become a non-person in my eyes and, besides, I really wanted to know where he went in the day. Inside was stories he'd written, about rape fantasies with him as the rapist. With this information we did the only thing that a reasonable person could do - we hounded him out of the house.

In retrospect I can see that this was a person with a mental illness but at the time we just wanted to get shut of the nutter. I still feel guilty when whenever I hear about a rape on the news that it might have been our Dave.

(Philvis, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 14:01, archived)

winner

well, it freaked me.

(scumface, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:01, archived)

It's not like they were from hell,

but maybe one of it's outer rings.

A couple up at swansea university, they would always eat boiled cabbage, drink cold coffee and sit watching readers wives videos together (on different seats)... Only when i went to move out did i find the huge porno stash of theres underneath the sofa.

But it was the gimp mask they brought out from time to time that scared me a little.

But in hindsight, i think they just needed there own place.

(doktored, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 14:15, archived)

flatmate sylee

I was tyhe

(

Really?, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 14:18, archived)

Good.

Good.

(Daveybaby, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 13:03, archived)

what

is he on about

(doktored, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:13, archived)

No idea,

But i thought i'd congratulate him anyway.

(Daveybaby, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:46, archived)

eugh

i live in swansea, i really hope they aren't people i know...

i have a bad feeling

(

Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:05, archived)

Sorry about long post, but...

I have to get this one off my chest, even after all these years.

My mates and I were renting a house together, post graduation, but someone dropped out. We were faced with sharing the extra cost of the empty room or getting someone else in, and cash was tight. When this bloke turned up at the door my mate said "no way, just look at him" but I said "1 - don't be so judgemental and 2 - think of the money situation", so we ended up sharing with him.

The blokes room stank cos he never washed his feet/socks, and he used to pick black bits out from between his toes and flick them out the window which was behind the sofa. Especially when anyone came to visit. His girlfriend was an alcoholic and they had the occasional punch up in the wee small hours. His membership of the university was revoked for throwing a bottle into the crowd at an open air gig; it smashed on someone's head. When our female housemate used the toilet while we were in the room below, he would call the room to hush so that he could hear the tinkling. This is rather the tip of the iceberg, I'm afraid; the list goes on and on.

The icing on the cake was when he was watching a film, blind pissed. During a scene where someone got shot in the head, he starting getting a bit frantic about how such films belittle the mental trauma resulting from having killed someone. In response to "how would you know?", he told us the tale of his days in the drugs trade when he'd been asked to go along on a big deal. Apparently it was customary to have a mob waiting in the wings in case things got out of hand, and they'd all been given guns because they knew other mob had them. Things did get out of hand and some people ended up getting killed, one of them by him, hence the mental trauma.

To this day I'm in two minds about the veracity of the tale - he may have been messed with our heads, but if you knew the bloke you wouldn't be sure.

Sorry about the length, please be gentle.

(FatBeardy, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 14:51, archived)

dead bird in the bath

When I was at Uni I used to share a house with a girl who constantly tried to commit suicide. Pills, hanging from the light fittings etc. She never really meant it.
It was worrying at first but it's amazing how quickly my heart hardened.
One day I got up for an early lecture and went into the bathroom and the shower curtain was pulled round the bath, there were candles all over the place and a stereo on the floor. Behind the curtain was the girl in her swimming costume and asleep in a bathfull of water - not drowned. I drew back the curtain and went and had a fag in the kitchen.
Sometime later she berated me in a pub when I was with all of my mates for not being more concerned and I couldn't have cared less.
As the house was owned by the uni accomodation I got them to reimburse all of my deposit plus extra as I was in my final year and shouldn't have had to put up with this sort of shit.

(Vans, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:01, archived)

that's funny...

i love the way she put her swimming cossie on before jumping in the bath. like she didn't want to be found before she popped her clogs... of course she wanted to be found or she wouldn't be wearing the swimmers!

(greggo, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:08, archived)

another bird's eggs

Now that I come to think of it I have shared flats with horrible people.

One lad who was supposed to be my mate used to put eggs up his girlfriend's frou-frou and then put them back in the fridge.

(Vans, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:14, archived)

i'm flat-hunting at the moment.

and all the posts on this thread have really put me off.

but the alternative is to become the subject of a post (copies of the guardian flatshare under the door last week - subtle!).

i guess the search goes on.

here's a tricky one though... i've currently got two options: (1) with 3 mates in a decent flat with all mod cons including great porn; or (2) with excellently fit fashion bird in her own flat with all mod cons including remote possibility of maybe something more than 'just friendship'.

which one do i go for?

(greggo, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:23, archived)

Mates.

Every time.

(Vans, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:28, archived)

Hullo!

GIRLS + BOYS DON'T MIX in a house.

If you move in with your girlfriend - you WILL regret it. Or you WILL split up. Whichever comes sooner.

(

Pete Donaldson, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:04, archived)

My mate did the latter...

...she fully rips the piss out of anyone he brings into the house now.

Plus she leaves bin bags piled up outside on the balcony... Mmmm flies

(

beefandcheese, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 0:17, archived)

Got it then gents...

will go with the mates option. off to check the gaff out this eve. it's in shepherd's bush - woo!

(greggo, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 9:56, archived)

your all gay

Move in with the bird for christ's sake! Or if you don't, pass her details on to me.

(

Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:32, archived)

worst EVER

He put his spoons in the fork drawer. EVERY FUCKING TIME. It was the low point of my life.

(

the nugga says please and thank you, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:10, archived)

Hahaha!

Now there's mental torture

(

Dogtanian, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:06, archived)

A Canadian fella

One example:

I heard screaming. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I could see said house mate clutching a tiny card that had been sent to him, shaking and screaming at me, "I've just won £50,000". I didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise.

I found him an hour later argueing with someone on the phone: "No, you don't understand, I'm a winner"

Actually maybe I was the housemate from hell seeing as I left there after a year not knowing one of their names.

(

Mond, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:30, archived)

6 of one, half dozen of the other

Well, all I can say is, I gave as good as I good to most of my housemates over the years, leaving me with a long string of people whose desire never to live with me again is matched only by my desire never to live with them.

Over the years I've:
- Had particularly noisy sex with my (now ex-)girlfriend (though in my defence, there's only so many times you can say "shut up" before it spoils the mood).
- Left dirty plates/cutlery/half-empty pot noodles in the living room.
- Woken everyone up by getting up early for work.
- Invited various people round for much stoner-related smoking, thus making an entire house of non-smokers stink of ganj.
- Had a go at a particularly vacuuous housemate who would state the obvious (a personal pet hate) then wonder why I get mildly annoyed with them. I stopped after her boyfriend threated to beat the cack out of me.

All in retaliation for:
- Talking through out the entire 1st 15 minutes of 'Lost Boys', until I just got up and left.
- Watching T.V. and playing Halo until all hours of the morning when I had to be up for work the following day, not to mention crawling in drunk at rediculous times in the morning.
- Argueing. Non-stop. And the same one is almost always wrong, or has misunderstood, or hasn't got her own way about something...and now they're married (though God help me if they ever read this).
- A guy who, when showing me how to play a warhammer game for the 1st time, still felt a need to cheat in order to win (something I only realised much later).
- Invited various people round for stoner-related smoking, without inviting me.

Yeah, I was a watermelon to live with, but so were they. I feel justified.

(minister of heresy, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 15:50, archived)

Domestic bliss

"Bo".

Never liked the guy. Ever. Always asked far too many annoying, invasive questions about everything for no reason. I'm more the quiet "I don't like you, so I'm not going to call you a cranberry but I'll happily ignore you" type and he wouldn't let me.

We were already jokingly questioning his sanity when he decided to drop out of 2nd year Physics at uni and, while we were all in our 3rd year, do some more A-Levels at a local community college. He gradually became more and more odd, and began leaving plastic carrier bags full of water all over the house. All accusations of his various misdemeanours were met with complete denial and a "I'm-so-innocent-please-punch-me-very-hard" face. Then he started staying up all night doing various mentalcase things, like ringing directory enquiries 40 times for no apparent reason and trying to get us all to lie to the police and say his phone had been stolen because he thought he wasn't insured for its newly-broken screen. Finally while I was working on a piece of coursework (due in that day, natch) he smashed up a load of plates in the kitchen and went out, so I bolted the fucker out. He showed me the error of my ways by punching through the glass of the door and trying to open the yale lock thingy (a sensible course of action if you've just worked out the door is bolted, obviously). He cut his arm to shreds and got taken away in an ambulance. At the hospital he allegedly threatening staff, which ended in him being put in a mental ward. He spent his time there almost being killed by large, muscular nutcases he thought it would be funny to wind up. A week later his father (with very strong traditional indian values, you should have seen his mother cowering as his father explained that the doctors didn't know what they were talking about and threatening legal action). Anyway, his rich father's lawyers saw him out of hospital and back into our house (Doctors: go home and rest for a week Him: back after the fucking weekend). The medication he'd been prescribed for whatever was going on in his brain was promptly ignored, because his father knew a better one (boiling up various disgusting smelling things and drinking the resulting liquid). Then after an argument about how breakable double glazing was he took it upon himself to break one of the recently redone double glazed back windows when everyone had gone to bed. His bedroom was a work of art, with various demented scrawlings on the wall, including a very confused swastika that didn't know if it was coming or going. He paid to fix the front door. He denied all knowledge of the back window despite him borrowing a hammer and screwdriver about the same size as the hole mere minutes before it happened, so we all ended up paying for that.

Then there was Henry, who despite being vaguely posh and having been to Repton, spent all of his time stealing things and skateboarding, and none of it ever cleaning his stinking pit of a room. Always in crippling debt, never paid for the Sky nor ADSL to this day.

The other two in the house with me were great. Henry was fine as long as we weren't thinking about money or general cleanliness. I'm not the cleanest tidiest person in the world to this day, but I couldn't even approach Henry's standards of ming.

Then again, reading the other posts in this thread, it looks like I got away luckily, I'd have probably gone mad myself if some of the piss and shit things had happened in our house.

(MrPSB, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:00, archived)

henry?

which henry was this? i went to repton too - might be able to give u some background - when did he leace?

(Frozenpeas42, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 2:09, archived)

aah the memories

Flatmate #1 had been evicted from his squalid bedsit due to a plague of black flies "mysteriously" appearing in the kitchen area as it was that unhygenic. He couldn't cook and lived off take-out or the charity of friends. His bedroom floor was covered in a mixture of pizza boxes, fag ends, beer cans, half drunk cups of coffee, and clothes. When he ran out of clean clothes he simply bought more. He *seemed* quite trustworthy (despite being gross) but it turned out later he'd been taking money from me and the other guy and not paying any of the bills - hence being able to afford all the clothes.
He also wet the bed, invited a one-legged girl he'd met on the internet round and sat in his pants with her in the living room when his girlfriend was there, and left his genital wart medication in the bathroom.

Flatmate #2 was his South African work colleague, and was a complete bigot. Me being the only female in the flat, he'd scream and shout at me if he had to do any chores, saying 'if my Father could see me now he'd be so ashamed!'. He also used to complement me - 'you look so beautiful... standing by the cooker'. Grrrr.

Oh happy days

3 months after I moved out, I got taken to court for non-payment of council tax as flatmate #1 had filled out the forms with my details!

(

kitty_cat, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:07, archived)

I once had a flatmate

who was the most un-hygenic person I have ever happened across.

Every morning he would go into the bathroom for a piss only, then go off to work. He didn't own a toothbrush or any toiletries, I never saw or heard him have any kind of wash/shower/bath in the year that I lived with him.

His room was disgusting! It stank so bad that the rest of the house-mates had to insist that he kept his door closed at all times.

I once made the mistake of going into his room to look for dirty cups when I was doing the washing up. The smell was so bad that I retched and then actually threw up on his bed. I couldn't stay in his room to clean it as the smell was so bad, but he never mentioned the sick!

(dirtbox, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:07, archived)

that reminds me of when I was at uni

My flatmates heard me chundering one night, and told me about it in the morning. I searched my room that day, but couldn't find my puke anywhere. So I assumed that they had heard someone else. About a week later, I made my bed and found were I had been sick.

(thrain, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 18:42, archived)

I keep half expecting to see something written about me on here...

Nervy times...

Actually, all four of the occupants at my Huddersfield student house were flatmates from hell - myself included.

- I was the only person in the house who had a PC, so people would break into my room (credit card the door) to use it. The only reason I knew is that I'd see the light on in my room when I came home.

- We'd argue like five year olds over the phone bill, right down to the last quid. We'd have the yellow pages out and phone the operator to find out what a particular area code was. A conversation like the following would then ensue:

Bob - 01999, that's Cirencester

Everyone - I don't know anyone in Cirencester.

Bob - Well who's going to pay the 7p then?

*pause for thought*

Dan - Tom, where was that computer company you phoned three months ago. Wasn't that in Cirencester.

Tom - Ummmmm.

Everyone - you lying cranberry! (but really quite aggressively)

- Tom was one of those people who tries to act cool and PC in any situation. If we ever did anything nasty to him, his retort would always begin "hey, guys" and end something like "I'd really rather you didn't crap in my bed again". Before storming off to his room.

- One member of the household had a home-made porn video amongst his gigantic video collection. Better still, it co-starred a fellow resident of last year's halls of residence. To throw his housemates off of the scent, he'd labelled it 'Lemmings'. While the pornmeister was out, the others settled down to watch a movie and were intrigued by the 'Lemmings' thing. So, they watched the whole thing. Lemming jokes ensued for the rest of the year!

I hope that one of others reads this (if anyone would be here, I'd guess that 'Bob' would). It would be nice to have a chuckle about it now.

(

Thy Maker Sigs are rubbish, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:37, archived)

One dumbass brings in another...

Had a flatmate named Adam who was so clueless he didn't know how to use a microwave- his first attempt was heating up a can of dinty moore stew- y'know the ones with the tin lid you peel back and remove before you nuke 'em... Well, he didn't. And after the dang thing exploded in the oven and made a huuuuge mess, he screamed "HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?!?!?" That's when I showed him the plastic lid of the can, which has three simple one-sentence instuctions, with diagrams- Step one being "Pull back the metal lid and discard."...

Anyway, he announced that he wasn't going to stay the summer and was moving out- I pointed out the at the lease was for a year, and would he be leaving the last three months of rent with me or finding a sub-leasee? He grumbled and accused me of tricking him into signing a the lease without making clear that "One Year" means "twelve months" and not "Whenever suits Adam".

So that night at the pub he meets up with a guy who's new in town and needs a place for a few months. Adam tells him he can have his room and seals the deal. His name was Lin.

Lin was a moody, violent schizophrenic with a vicious dog who was dicharged from the US army after serving time in Leavenworth for dealing large amounts of Hash. The three months were frightening and interesting, mostly frightening. At the end of the Lease, I started pushing Lin to start moving his stuff out of the house, as I had to return up north the day after the lease was gone, and I wanted a day to clean out and get my deposit back. He moved a lot of his stuff out, but there was a large pile in his room on the last day- he promised to come back that night and get the last load with a friend who had a truck. I cleaned every room in the house except his. I never saw him, so I locked up, shut off the water and power, and returned home- figureing Lin would be back the next day to get his stuff. I got a call from the Realator THREE days later saying that she had stopped by every day and that Lin was still living there! She had a policeman go around and get him to leave. When she went in the house, his bed was brought back into MY room, his dog had crapped in Chris's room a few times, there was take-away boxes strewn on the floor of the kitchen along with crumpled beer cans, and THREE days worth of human waste stacked in the toilet, since he couldn't flush it with the water off. I didn't get my deposit back.

About a year later, one of my friends who had met Lin maybe three times said Lin came up to him at a club and tried to reminisce about times they didn't share, and how great pals they were... then it came out- Lin was searching for character witnesses to speak on his behalf at his upcoming Child Molestation court trial in a few days- His Ex-wife had brought charges against him over their DAUGHTER! Dave gave him a fake phone number and stayed outta sight for two weeks!

(Roboburger, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:39, archived)

"woo!"?

so that's where you got it from.

in my first year at university there was a desperately unhappy lad called james who was from essex and wasn't at all comfortable with being up north. or living with people that weren't his mother. we rented a nice, big tv for the communal area. james didn't contribute, because "i don't watch telly". but when he couldn't get to watch what he wanted (six of us were watching one channel; he wanted to watch another) he actually threw a mug of tea at the TV, cracking the screen. thank goodness for insurance, is all i can say. he also pissed in the shower, by his own confession. poor lad, we had a party with the girls from the flat upstairs, and he told them that he could that they weren't from essex, as they weren't good-looking.

last i heard of him he was threatening people with a knife at the orange grove pub in fallowfield, having been thrown out of his flat for non-payment of rent.

(martian, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:43, archived)

hehe

I used to drink in there!

(Screwpot, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 10:30, archived)

I used to drink there too

till the fuckers made it student only.

Still theres always Bar XS (does a good comedy night on Tuesdays btw).

(Billyrayjimbob, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 15:40, archived)

OK, not a flatmate, but...

Several years ago, I attended a science fiction convention. (Yeah, isn't there another thread for "sad confessions" - anyway...)

Booking late as usual, all my mates already had sharers, so I unwisely checked the "find me a roommate" box on a hotel booking form. They had boxes for "smoking/non-smoking", "male/female", etc. but they didn't have the ones that really mattered: "washing/non-washing" and "snoring/non-snoring".

This guy apparently had not bathed for a week, and carried this on for the whole week we shared this room. That was pretty bad, but the snoring was just out of this world.

I had brought earplugs with me (knowing that this was a risk), but they were ineffective to say the least. It was impossible to tune him out because he would not breathe for over a minute - I know this because I was counting through clenched teeth for most of the first night - then snore really loud, really fast, like a warthog panting, for another minute. Then repeat. Then repeat. Then REPEAT. Then smash smash smash kill suffocate... well, I thought about it.

The only cure was to stay up till 5am getting completely wasted and rely on alcoholic exhaustion to ensure a modicum of slumber.

(Actually, it was so unbelievable, that I actually recorded a .wav file with my PDA. It must be kicking around on an archive disk somewhere - I'll post it if I can find it.)

(

Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 16:58, archived)

Your

one of those people who would go to a rave and complain about the noise..... fat smelly people who snore do go to sci-fi conventions.. so dont moan (from a sci-fi hater (due to an old housemate))

(

SiX and his hat, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 18:17, archived)

Didn't

actually happen to me, but a mate of mine used to share a flat with the members of a fairly well-known early industrial band. One night he was sitting in his room when he heard a noise on the stairs and one of his flatmates shouting "Pete, could you come out here a minute, please?" He opened his door to find his flatmates in combat jackets and trousers, gas masks, and armed with bin-lid shields and broomhandle truncheons; they tear-gassed him, then handcuffed him to a pillar in his room and abandoned him for three or four hours. Oh how they laughed about it later.

(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Tue 18 Nov 2003, 17:05, archived)

Where I am it's 4 in the morning

And I just laughed quite loudly like a loon. WOO!

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 8:56, archived)

goya

brand foods were a large part of my old housemate's life. he was simultaneously the best and worst person to live with- he played great music and was a terrific guy; but at the same time he cooked nauseating corn-canned-ham-peppers-pork'n-beans (and who knows what else) casseroles and stews all the time, and would leave congealed heaps of them around the kitchen.

(clumsyassassin, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 17:31, archived)

Friend of mine at Uni

had apparently never cooked in his life before. He used to arrive with an armful of tupperware boxes that his mum had filled with stew and casserole.

He decided to make an effort one day and picked out a recipe for Chicken Kiev (from my handy Delia book).

The first step was - "Score four chicken breasts".

So he went out and bought them. Right, what's next?

(Seebeedee, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 17:52, archived)

I just laughed my arse off at that one.

QUALITY.

(

Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 0:21, archived)

Bedsits

..are full of nutters.

#1: I used to share a landing with an ancient old wierdo who drank a dozen tins of lager daily, used to swear at himself loudly whilst locked in his room, and couldn't be bothered to go down a flight of stairs to the loo. He would piss in a bucket, wait until it was brimming over, then carry it down the stairs, with much arthritic spillage. The landlady moved him out after he shat all over the bathroom floor - professional cleaners were needed to get the smell of piss out his carpet.

#2: The landing below housed the wierdest guy ever seen. He was anything between 30 and 70, dressed like Roy Cropper, and would flee like a startled cat if you met him in public. His mother would ring at 6am every goddamn morning, and he could be heard screeching to her in a ridiculous high pitched voice. He went away at weekends, and once left my other flatmate his key so the landlady could see to a leaking roof. We looked in his room and *everything* was covered in tinfoil.

#3:A previous occupant had fell out with another tenant, and had graffiti'd allusions about his sexual proclivities on the backs of the cheap pictures in the hall. Unforunately his spelling was crap, leaving us to wonder exactly what "John is a molestar" was supposed to mean.

(littlenicola, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 17:59, archived)

hellish flatmates

I had not one but two in a row, my own fault really, gave up a flat due to money problems (lack there of) and went home, got sick of my parents and moved in with a mate who turned out to be a raving alcoholic and king-bore. His day consisted of get up five minutes before he had to go to work, go to work late, come home, get a crate of fosters and drink it all, (Optional trip out to the pub here), go to bed four hours before work, rinse, repeat. The first day i was there i cleaned up. I was there a week and it just kept getting trashed by his obsession with using any open space as a bin. When another mate offered me the post of flatmate at his flat instead I ended up living with a lazy zeppelin. Irony interviened here where he used to spend half his day playing The Sims and getting pissed off that he couldn't get a job on it and the other half of the day going out trying to get a real job and getting pissed off at the fact that nobody in their right mind would employ a foul smelling layabout with no academic skills. Fortunately i've now found a new flat and my new flatmate is just a mild psycho, so i win since i'm a full psycho. Murder Murder Kill Kill :)

/edit forgot to mention i had to clean up the second flat every day too and it still somehow ended up dirtier, then the roof leaked and flatmate 2 just put a bucket under the hole and left it. I have a horrible feeling its still there, it was there a few months after the leakage incident

(

The Doctor Why is it big and why is there grass?, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 17:46, archived)

he's not my flatmate, but my boyfriend's

had a loud conversation with one of his other flatmates about prositutes outside my boyfriend's door at 3am. a definate case of too much information.

also, every time he comes back from a night out he plays very loud hip hop on repeat, and every week my poor boyfriend has to go in and ask him to turn it down. he always seems suprised.

he's from norway though, maybe that sort of thing is normal there.

(mwybsb, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 17:50, archived)

Ben

A few years ago a couple of guys I knew noticed some blue powder in the milk and found more upon checking the kettle.

Yes, it was rat poison. Yes, they had had stomach problems. Yes, the other, quiet, reclusive, always-dressed-in-black flatmate was asked in no uncertain terms to leave quite quickly.

(

Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 18:05, archived)

Wow!

Jesus!

(

Pete Donaldson, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 10:43, archived)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

*deep breath*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

(Roland Deschain, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 1:05, archived)

I've had a few...

I had a flat mate who refused pointblank to ever tidy up. One day when I was at work the landlord came round for an inspection, saw the mess, asked my unemployed bum of flatmate what had happened and they blamed it on me.. needless to say I was then kicked out.
Next flat mate we agreed to take it in turns to do the washing up. When it was my day he would spend 2 hours making massive chinese meals for all his friends, and when it was his day he would have takeaway chips. When I moved out he turned up at my door 3 months later asking if i could please chip in for the new TV license as I had watched it while I was there!!!
The final one had this best m8 who seemed to hate me and spent most of his time trying to get me to move out. It wasnt until I found out that the guy was gay and thought I was trying to nick his fella that it all made a twisted kinda sense.....

And even when i lived on my own in a bedsite, there was this old couple next door who would complain about everything. One day I said "god I wish you were dead" and the next day was woken by an amublance stretchering off the fellas corpse! Then a month later we had a huge carnival in the town, right past our house. The old woman spent the entire 4 hours of the carnival banging hell into my wall screaming for me to turn the noise down!!

(Palleon, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 19:07, archived)

neighbours

No unusual flatmates, but I think my house at uni are the worst neighbours ive met. We have regular fireworks displays at 3 in the morning and set then off from our neighbours' front garden because we merely have a patio and they have the more suitable surface of lawn. My mate also has a 150w subwoofer he plays until we set the fireworks off. Woo..

(V"K, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 19:19, archived)

Used to have band practice with a series of amps and a rather largep.a system.

We had a complaint one night from a guy three streets away.

(

Ulic hissing slightly, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 19:49, archived)

when I was in uni flats...

...I woke a girl two floors below playing bass at 3am once.

She didn't complain... The reason? She recognised what I was playing and liked it hehe

(

beefandcheese, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 16:59, archived)

noize

We've been lucky to have no complaints yet. The family next door's dad is a fucking pisshead I think he gets off on the noise keeping his family up

(V"K, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 13:44, archived)

At uni, the girl in the roomabove would be loudly shaggin until the small hours

Nice if you like that sort of thing, but not when you have exams.

Using a wardrobe, beer crates etc, managed to get my guitar amp to the ceiling.
Detuned the guitar(very important) and then played various crap at full blast when i knew she had her exam.
My neighbours were slow to realise the social justice i had to mete out.

(

Ulic hissing slightly, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:39, archived)

Noisy Shaggers

A friend used to live above a couple who'd scream and shout each other's names during wild monkey sex. This happenned one evening whilst a group of ~10 of us were there. We waited until they'd been finished for about an hour and then put a porno on. The video was wired through the hifi so we opened the window and lowered a speaker outside their bedroom and then wacked it on full blast and went out.

(Duncs, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 18:51, archived)

used to stay in a shared house with a wierd small time dealer.

used to walk in with small amounts of ganj every now and then to share.
Nice guy i hear you say.
This was made up for by the night he went out drink driving and managed to take the side out of the city's head psycho's car. Led him back to the house followed by the guy shooting all the walls in the shared room with a shotgun to demonstrate his annoyance and intentions. I apparently slept though this due to hotknifes in the corner of the room. I fucking hate plastering.

(

Ulic hissing slightly, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 19:46, archived)

i hate my roommate

she is whiney, needy, and annoying-like a big unemployed puppy. Yes, I said it , unemployed, since about 2 weeks after we moved in. That was three months ago, and "wah wah no one will call me back, I'm tired of looking at these walls all day" WHATEVER...But hey it's okay 'cause her parents pay for everything she does, wants, needs including new car payment, rent, utilities, credit card bills. I only wish I had parents that would let me take advantage of them. But not just that, she is totally unappreciative. She screams at her mother, calls her a fucking idiot and other lovely things. It's great. She tries to pull psychotic guilt trips, making you feel guilty for having a job, and going to work instead of lazing around with her. She does nothing...not even check the mail. I want to stab her in the eye.

(

Lisette von Falcon, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 20:37, archived)

i like that..

...that's funny

(

Hankster, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:41, archived)

Worst flatmate ever?

A guy I used to work with shared my flat for a few interminable months...

When watching telly, he'd make comments about every 'fit' woman, even on the adverts, describing in great detail how he'd 'do' her.

My girlfriend & her mate once came to stay while he was away one Christmas. Of course, me & my girlfriend slept in my room, leaving her friend to sleep on the couch in the living room. Anyway, they went home after a couple of days and my flatmate returned. On learning that a woman had slept on the couch, he proceeded to sniff the seats for about ten minutes!

I think I've never come closer to killing someone as that flatmate - he drove me absolutely mental. I went away for a weekend, leaving him on his own - after removing the mains plugs from every appliance in the flat. That convinced him to find somewhere else to live.

(juski, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 20:29, archived)

Slightly different from all the other stories....

Greenwich Uni rents out the halls to people over the summer holidays, so I decided to stay there while I was working down there. 8 bedrooms to a flat, shared kitchen, shared bathroom, the usual deeley.
Anyway, while I was there, there were 4 other people living there, one couple sharing a room, this really fit bird, and the bloke in the room next to me. For the first two weeks we were there, noone managed to speak to this bloke. The most any of us saw of him was the back of his head as he went into his room. Fair enough we thought, hes the quiet type.
Anyway, after about 2 weeks, I noticed stuff going missing from the fridge. Annoying, but standard student behavior. Then I woke up one night to find someone trying to get into my room. I said Hello to find out who it was, and they stopped. "Bit weird" I thought, "Probably just one of the others drunk" Anyway, I didn't know at the time, but this was happening to the couple and the fit bird as well. As we were all working different hours we didn't see much of each other, so none of us mentioned it.
Another 2 weeks or so go past and then one night at about midnight someone starts knocking on the door of my room. I go to open it and its the fit bird. Bloke who noone ever saw had just decided to wander into her room wearing nothing but a T-shirt and apparently he had the hugest fucking hard-on she'd ever seen. He'd just stood there for 30 seconds or so and then pegged it out of the front door to the flat, still "Standing to attention" as it were.
Anyway, shes obviously fairly shaken by this so I take her down to see the wardens. They hit us with the revelation that there shouldn't actually have been anyone in that room, and that I'd been living next door to a dirty pervert squatter for the past month who'd been trying to get into all our rooms.
Turns out he'd been climbing up the drainpipe and in through the second floor window to get in.
Daft bastard came back the next week, but we'd jammed the door to his room shut and he promptly got arrested.

Bloody hell, I seem to have turned a rather short story into a fecking epic. Sorry.

(Trousers_of_time, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 20:29, archived)

typical student story i guess -

in my first year i lived in a studenty flat thing next door to this guy steve. not so much hellish, more weird.
he left his tap on accidentally, flooded our flat and the one below us.
when i got a sneak into his room, it was absolutely full of orange juice cartons. his dad used to come and deliver them every other week or so.
he had a naked thing and unfortunately didnt understand windows - often we'd walk past to see his naked form prancing around in his room.
he once knocked on my door for about half an hour, but i ignored him. upon looking through my spyhole, he was stark bollock naked, so i figured he'd lost his key after the shower(me being the helpful person i am, i ignored him). then after another 20 minutes of knocking, he went back into his room.
he was heard making mad racist comments by the vending machines.
he offered to give my mate boxing lessons in return for some tobacco.
oh, and he always used to cook soup. even that pissed me off about him. and his phone had the loudest ringtone on earth, always at 5am.
business studies students, eh?

i'll stop now. promise

(polyannapolyfilla, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 21:52, archived)

At first I read that

He'd been caught making racist comments by the vending machine, was it bugged?

(

Whillow, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 11:29, archived)

you've missed out the important bit...

...did you get anywhere with the fit bird?

(greggo, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 10:00, archived)

Nope,

mores the pity.

(Trousers_of_time, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 0:08, archived)

Are you

my cousin?

(

Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 1:57, archived)

Um, nope

Not as far as I'm aware anyway.

(Trousers_of_time, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 20:02, archived)

flat mates

his name was chris. or 'the beast' as he became known. brum accent thicker than jade goody. it started with an innocious testicle hanging out, swiftly moving on through gag inducing stenches, and a selection of imported curries, from hong kong, of all places. he waddled. the zenith came on the night the flat had to mount a covert extraction to the union, which involved climbing a fench and hiding in a bush, after he invited himself out with us.

the saddest thing is, all he did was play championship manager, which is all i do, now that i'm unemployed... i expect there to be a post about me here soon

(speedymarks, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 21:33, archived)

speedymarks os a cranberry

hasnt had a job fpr ages

just sits there playing championship manager all fucking day

(

Azra3l Lubrication Persuasion and Brute Force ™, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 22:55, archived)

uh,

jade goody's a cockney, surely?

(pomegranate, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 3:08, archived)

uh,

i just got it
pomegranate, thicker than jade goody, thankyouplease

(pomegranate, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 3:10, archived)

static caravans

My friend Dave, his wife, and their two kids ended up living in a static caravan briefly after one of the bouts of flooding. Between about 4pm when the kids got back from primary school, and 8pm when they went to bed, the kids would run round outside the caravan playing. As children aged five and six do.

The couple in the next caravan objected to this. Dave kept getting asked to "control his bloody kids" and "tell those little brats to shut up" and they also kept getting snotty about which patch of grass belonged to Dave's caravan and which belonged to them.

Dave's Revenge

Dave once had a job as a TV repairman. He waited till the cranky couple went out for a day, and changed the flex from the TV aerial so it went to a vcr in Dave's caravan. He then sorted out a remote to control their TV.

He started it slow, playing ten minutes of bizarre pornography on their TV. He could hear them shouting about it but they kept on about the kids.

So he stepped up the campaign a couple of days later. He whacked the volume right up on a particularly vocal performance while his kids were playing outside, then hammered on the door wanting to know why they couldn't keep the noise of the filthy porn down while his kids were about. Ooh, they were not happy.

The final master stroke came the following day, when they complained to the site manager about the TV acting up. Helpful Dave mentions being a TV repairman and is PAID to fix the problem. While fixing the problem, he decided to go with the cliche and hide seafood inside the caravan.

(

Batsgirl, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 22:36, archived)

Well...

this happened to one of my friends online, apparently he had just bought a brand new telly, big one and all.

his cranberry of a roommate decided it would be cool to attatch the wheels off a clothes rack onto the bottom of it and roll it down the corridor which was at an angle (dunno why, must've been built ona slope or something)

it crashed screen first into the wall at high speed, needless to say, the roommate came home the next day to find all his underwear as a small bonfire outside

(Icedude DOPEFISH LIVES, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 22:41, archived)

First post - be gentle. And try not to be sick.

I've lurked for months, but have no Photoshoppy skills at all. So this is the first time I've been inspired to create a login. Sorry.

I answered an ad about five years ago for a flatshare, and met the girl who I'd be sharing with. She seemed very pleasant; bright, interesting and very friendly.

Everything was going swimmingly until two months into the flatshare when her bloke upped and left her for someone else. She plunged into a black depression which she mostly demonstrated by not doing any cleaning. No problem; I could deal with the kitchen and bathroom, and I didn't mind what her room was like. (I am famously tolerant. Don't get me started on the boyfriend who had the lapdance problem.) She cried a lot. I was as nice as a slightly distant flatmate should be, patted her on the back a lot and manufactured lots of cocoa.

I went away for three weeks to visit family abroad, where I had a fab time sunning myself and surprising myself with how many cousins I have.

Came home, got to flat at about two in the morning.

Almost before I'd stuck my key in the lock, it became obvious that things were not as they should be. Specifically, things did not smell as they should. Things smelled very bad indeed.

I entered gingerly. My flatmate wasn't in. The smell got worse. Couldn't work out what the hell it was...until I walked into the bathroom.

Used sanitary towels. Everywhere. Presumably two-ish weeks old, extremely stinky, and it looked as if she'd stood in the middle of the floor, spinning gently, and had carefully stuck them to the walls, the shower doors, the mirror...the place was tiled with the things. I swear that I have never, ever, smelled anything so bad in my life. It's indescribable, so I'll let you try to come up with descriptions yourself. Exceptionally terrible stuff. I'd sooner she'd stuck week-old chicken breasts on the walls.

In my absence, flatmate (who you will notice has remained tactfully nameless) had been carted off to whatever tactful name people give loony bins these days.
She never came back, I cleaned it up (I CLEANED IT UP!!!? This still disturbs me; what was I thinking? Why didn't I try to hire someone?) and lived there very happily on my own for a few months while her parents paid the rent in an apologetic fashion.

It still didn't make up for the smell, of which I am palely reminded every time I visit a ladies public loo.

(Lizzle, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:05, archived)

sweet jesus

thats my vote for worst ever. *shivers*

(

Pee-Bob, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 6:05, archived)

Christ

that is genuinely disturbing. And also hello and welcome! Since no-one else has said it.

(pinky shminky, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 14:56, archived)

you deserve medals. all of you.

My only bad experience was my first year of college, when I was an extremely naieve little girl. The first night, I didn't think to lock the door, and awoke at 4 am to someone CRAWLING INTO MY BED. Luckily, it was a girl, not a boy, although she was very drunk and very soundly asleep.
I climbed over her, and, panicking, ran into the hallway, running through a large puddle of her vomit in the process. In my bare feet.
I had my (equally drunk, but sleeping quietly) roommate wake her up and get her to leave, but I had to clean up the floor, as I didn't quite know what else to do.

(KnitWit, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:27, archived)

I've just remembered

my roommate at the time was pretty awful, too.
She was a large, loud, and intimidating Hispanic girl who I was convinced would devour me while I slept.
She used to talk to her friends and family on the phone, in Spanish, telling them what a horrible roommate I was, and how boring, white, stupid, etc, I was. Thing is, I speak Spanish...
She listened to nothing but angry Spanish and American rap music, and ABBA. EXCULSIVELY. "Dancing Queen" still makes me wince. She would put on headphones if I asked politely, but then she'd hum to the music anyway, and I was too scared to bring it up.
Also used to watch nothing but MTV and Spanish television, usually until all odd hours of the morning when I was trying to sleep. Remember, the room is a plain square, so there was no escaping the TV.
Nothing too awful...just a bad match on the part of the housing dept.

(KnitWit, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:34, archived)

Other than my family (who are crazy enough)

The only real roommate I've ever had is the one I'm currently living with at college. Nothing terrible, he generally stays in his room, I stay in mine. He has friends over an awful lot, though. And there are certain problems with this. First, he has a tendancy to get smashing drunk late at night, and talk loudly to his inebriated friends until about 3 in the morning.

Oh, I neglected to mention something. Each "suite" yeah right has four rooms. 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen, and 2 bedrooms. The whole bonanza is surrounded by concrete, so you can't hear the people down the hall, but the walls between individual bedrooms are paper thin. He has had his girlfriend over once or twice, but it's either that they are inhumanly quiet, or they didn't have sex.

Another problem which I simply don't understand is fairly recent: He'll get some friends over at midnight and watch Finding Nemo on DVD. Loudly. I turned the TV on myself, but still, I had the words, but not the images, of the first few scenes memorized after a while. (When I actually saw the movie, it was strange to hear the same words, but the visuals were nothing like what I'd imagined.) Always Finding Nemo, always midnight, presumably different friends. Never watched the whole thing, either, just about the first half hour.

Still, it's reams better than most of your horror stories, and he's been good recently, except that he's as lazy as I am, so the kitchen is a nightmare.

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:29, archived)

State the bleedin' obvious

He's shagging, using Finding Nemo to mask the sound.

Either that or he has a thing for cartoon fish.

(

Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 16:03, archived)

Seems to me he has about 4 boyfriends in addition to his girlfriend

Or he genuinely likes the beginning of Finding Nemo. My personal theory is simply that they're getting high, because not even my very young cousins thought that the movie was as hilarious as my roommate seems to.

(A Wooden Leg Named Smith, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 14:34, archived)

Undomesticated Housemate

My house mates are all generally fine and pleasant people to live with but one of them is soooo undomesticated its unreal!! He cooked sausages in the microwave until they exploded, then tried cooking some more straight on the rack in the oven, the fat is still burning off the bottom of the oven a year later!!

The piece de resistance though is when he defrosted the fridge/freezer when we all went home for summer. All he did was clear it out, turn it off and leave the doors open.

So we return three months later to find a complete mess of sludge and mould on the floor where the ice had all melted and poured out, a closed fridge now growing a whole civilisation of mould and a most dreadful smell. The smell was traced to a small bag at the back of the freezer which was still open, containging a maggot infested black goo. Only identifiable by its label: chicken breast.

A dog is more domesticated.

Oh, and i just walked downstairs about an hour ago to a strong smell of gas, three house mates had been sat in the room next to the kitchen and not noticed that one hob was on full but not alight, needless to say, every window in the whole house is now open, it is very cold.

(BigTommyM, Tue 18 Nov 2003, 23:57, archived)

Ah well...

at least he left the door of the freezer open...I knew someone whose housemate defrosted the freezer over the summer by simply unplugging it. The fridge as well.
The flat warden(or whatever they're called) couldn't get the mould off with a scourer and both pieces of (previously) 'white goods' ended up being carted away after being completely sealed with "Biohazard - do not open" tape...

(

GigerPunk has, hopefully, slept since, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 21:04, archived)

Lorrie driver, anybody?

His name was Chris, he moved in on August 2002, seemed to be a nice guy, until we (four of us at that time) found out he was alcoholic, and became violent and aggressive whilst under the influence of alcohol. The first incident I remember was when he started to shout racist insults to other residents in the street, standing right in front of our house. When he got in, holding a pint of beer in his hand, I asked him what he was up to, and he basically told me it wasn't of my business, not in a very kind way indeed.

We have fire-proof doors for each room here, so if you don't hold them while they're closing, they tend to slam. Our friend Chris wouldn't care, until one housemate asked him not to slam his room door as it was making the house shake a bit. So a few days later, well after midnight, he proceeded into slamming his door about 20 times in a row, as loud as he could. Loudness he liked, and he also liked rock'n'roll, which he would play on his stereo, during the night, full blast. One night, he woke us up at 3am with his music, playing until 4am, managed to wake up the neighbour in the process, who knocked on the door and said he'd call the police if it didn't stop. The neighbour didn't expect us to agree with him. The problem is the police aren't in charge of noise pollution, Health and Safety are. And to get them round your house at 3am isn't very easy.

We had to cope with him shouting at 6am "Get up you lazy bastards", leaving the gas on at one occasion, using the house ironing board as a table in his room, pucking in the kitchen floor and not cleaning it, and other little annoyances.

We eventually put enough pressure on the landlord to have him evicted (although he was still paying his rent) who managed to have him running off, pack his belongings in bin liners, leaving plates and cutelry behind, even his TV was still on when he rushed out of the house, shouting "see you later, tossers".

I think I suffered post traumatic stress syndrome for a couple of months after that. The faintest noise would wake me up.

(Jean-Brian Zatapathique, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 0:30, archived)

we had a houseparty once...

and my housemate was known for having a few bad habbits and also 'well known' for admitting that he had tasted any excretion that comes from his own body.
during the party, someone made lotsa seperate vodka jellies, and he decided to add his own element to one. so he emptied the contents of one of the condoms that were lying on the floor in his room into a vodka jelly and mixed it in and placed it back in the fridge.. alas, it was gone at the end of the night.. we still do not know who..
tonnes more stories i could tell.. list is endless..

also.. they gave away my pet chinchilla 'apparently' although never to admit to it.. apparently it ran away.. off a table, across a floor, out a door, off a balcony, across a garden and around a marina..
weird huh.

(Emohawk, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 0:45, archived)

niiiiiiice

(

Dr. Kitteny Berk almost certainly drunk, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 2:45, archived)

not my flatmate, but my landlady

When I first moved in, landlady said she wasn't living in the house, but then decided to randomly stay in the living room with her smelly dog whenever it suited her. She continually harangued me for the slightest grievance - leaving the (40W) hall light on, coming in after 10pm, etc. One time I accidentally left an electric hob on, she went ape and scrawled TURN THE HOBS OFF in black marker pen on the dining room wall.
I asked to leave and submitted a month's written notice, which she accepted in a quite civil manner. But I naively got no countersigned copy. Come my moving out, she pretended to have never received such notice, threw me out and kept my deposit. Then rang me up and abused me after I reported her to the uni accomodation office as a bad landlady (I found she had similarly ripped off a friend some months before).
This happened about December time, I left no forwarding address so that she wouldn't bother me in future, and got no Christmas cards as a result. :-(

(delazeur, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 0:55, archived)

brush

Me and my uni mate were living in a 3 bedroom house and #3 moved out after 2 months. We couldn't afford all the rent so were forced to invite the uni laughing stock to take the room because we were so desperate. This was the guy that would always turn up late for lectures and the entire lecture hall would whisper in unison "happy baby orangutan happy baby orangutan happy baby orangutan happy baby orangutan...".

There were so many reasons to hate him. One day we got pissed off with him never buying any bog roll but didn't want to confront him about it either. We just let the last roll run down to its natural end (keeping our own supply in our rooms of course). He was out getting pissed when the final square was used up and we chuckled to ourselves as to his possible problem when he got back from the pub. When I woke up the next morning, the kitchen roll had disappeared and so had the bog brush! Nobody said anything, but after a week or so the bog brush reappeared... Fair enough with the kitchen roll, but the BOG BRUSH?? I try not to think about it, but the thought still disturbs me to this day.

Another day he decided to to brew his own beer using one of those brew bag things where you just add water. Unfortunately he forgot about it and it burst and went all over the landing. Half brewed yeasty beer smell throughout the house... hmmm...

One day his family came over to visit. All as weird as he was so I kept in my room. Later in the day I realised there had been no sound in the rest of the house for ages so thought they must have gone home. Knocked on his door, about to ask if they had gone. Door opened and the whole family was sat on his single bed, deadly quiet, all staring at me. Ran away back to my room and locked the door. Totally freaked me out.

(Master Wobbler, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 1:20, archived)

girl named page

was my roommate, very first semester at uni. i was quite a naive girl myself and shared a room (small one, too... 15 feet by 7 maybe) with pure evil.

we've got separate men's and women's dorms... one night she got caught in the men's dorm outside of visiting hours, and the RA politely asked her to leave. she went off on him about she'd do whatever the watermelon she wanted to do, asshole. came back to our dorm, where i was playing cards in the lounge, got on the phone with her boyfriend back home (whose name was jimmy hendricks btw) and began SCREAMING, at the top of her lungs, about how she hated this school, and hated everyone here, hated life, hated this that and the other thing. it sounded like someone was being tortured in there. she kept that up for about 5 minutes or so, came out into the lounge looking like hell, burned the shit out of a bag of popcorn, and went back in the room, where she got on the phone with her boyfriend again, and resumed screaming at maximum volume for another little while. locked the door, too, knowing that my keys were in the room (who takes their keys with them to the lounge next door?) and left it that way. i slept in my clothes on my RA's floor. my room smelled like burnt popcorn for a week, till she febreezed the whole thing. then it smelled like a horrible combination of burnt popcorn and febreeze.

after that she became nocturnal... usually came home around 8 am, and slept all day. she didn't go to a single class between halloween and christmas.

she'd often phone me around 3-4 am for no reason, and got her friends to prank call me in the middle of the night as well. when i started turning off the ringer at night, she decided that waking me up was so important that she phoned my friend down the hall, pretending to be lost somewhere, and told her to come in our room to wake me up and find directions.

one night she came in really early, around 2, just as i was going to bed, with this guy named peter, as i was getting changed for bed. they were both shitfaced, and proceeded to continue an argument in front of me that they'd started earlier, LOUDLY. she was a really loud drunk, and swore at everything, including inanimite objects. especially inanimate objects.

final straw was when i came in around 3 one night and found her in bed already... got changed into my pajamas quietly, and got into bed. bunk beds at that, and i had the top one. i'm lying there quietly, and about 10 minutes later i guess she thought i must be asleep by now, because she and the guy that had been hiding there resumed fucking.

bah! glad to be rid of her.

(blush, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 2:42, archived)

my mate had a top flatmate

he got in on New Years Eve to find his flatmate had been orgainzing his party treats for the evening, there were 2 wraps on the front room table, one with MDMA written on it,
the paper they were made out of looked a bit familiar, so he open one up and discovered his flatmate had made em out of one of his old payslips.
his name and N.I number were in the centre of 1 of the wraps...

(pesh, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 5:53, archived)

Bedsits in Brighton.

Upstairs lived a delightful old couple - they "took me under their wing" and I'd have dinner with them from time to time.
Guy across the hall from me was a crazy old loon who played Abba constantly and would wander the hall in his underwear and a t-shirt, but the t-shirt would be tucked into his undies.
Guy in the room next to mine was bipolar and totally fucking nuts. He'd bang on the wall at 3 in the morning asking if I had anyone with me. I'd always say yes, just in case!

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Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 7:28, archived)

Barry...

...was a born again Christian. Not that this was good reason to resent him. Its nice having people who are organised enough to draw up a cleaning rota, and because of their religion can't cheat on it like the rest of us. And having other born-again Christians round the house from time to time was just one of those things. Better than junkies or crack heads. But then Barry went off the rails. Admittedly for one night only. But he went off the rails badly. The night after his exams finished he went out on the beers. Probably drank at least three or four pints . And came home rather fuller of the joy of Stella than of God. He must have come in around 3am, by which time, like all good agnostics, I was trying to get some kip. So imagine my surprise when the shadowy figure of Barry loomed into my bedroom doorway, walked calmly into the room, lurched over to the stereo, which was sitting innocently against a wall halfway over towards my bed, lifted the lid on the record player sitting on top of said stereo, unzipped, pissed a full bladder of holy water onto the turntable, closed the lid and walked out of the room. The stereo was ruined (and not a little ammoniacal in odour). Barry remembered only going to the toilet on coming in from the pub. The following morning it wasn't the Lord's forgiveness he was praying for...

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automatton52 Grumpy old goth, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 8:34, archived)

worst flatmate

I had one that would pretend to be someone else online and often ask if I would ever have sex with my flatmate.

(kryptic82, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 9:30, archived)

happened to me

well, almost, in uni halls, they found out my e-mail address, messaged me with a load of crap, pretending to be a girl.

sample:
them:"I'm a sex kitten."
me: "what, all furry with sharp claws"

i guessed it was someone who knew me, so i led them on (like you do) "yes, of course i'm naked" until my computer crashed before i had a chance to say "you happy baby orangutan"

they were, too. not the worst though.

(scumface, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:18, archived)

Cindy. Oh god, Cindy.

Before I moved in with blokey, I was living in a house in SoCal with an English guy, 2 scots and 2 Mexicans (all couples 'cept me n English guy).
The 2 scots moved out on account of pregnancy, so we got another girl in to cover the rent.
She was a really nice Texan lass, southern charm and all that.
Except:
She used to hide pot in my dresser in my fucking room. She had a dog that we found out had fleas.
She was on disability, so always paid her rent 3 days late (okay, no biggy).
She'd borrow money for food and not pay it back. We had a policy in the house - if it's there, eat/drink it as long as it's replaced. It was easy enough to stick to this policy, but this bitch used to go NUTS if one of us grabbed a soda she thought was hers.

English guy (oh yeah, also landlord - he's giving me away at my wedding) wanted to move his woman him, so gave me and Cindy 2 1/2 MONTHS notice which to me was more than acceptable as we weren't on a lease. She stopped paying rent, went totally psycho, told Bob that he was unreasonable and what was she supposed to do, she'd be homeless.
She had her boyfriend call him and the convo was thus:
Boyf: You are SO not a man
Bob: Let her move in with you then.
Boyf: Can't, wife would kill me.

Eventually, on the day she left (I'd gone by this time) she poured salt in all of the plants and we found out she had 3 different names.

Bitchwhore

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Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 9:56, archived)

I've lived with some watermelloning cranberies in my time...

Not the worst, but most annoying was one guy who played quake/counterstrike etc all the time. This in itself was no bad thing, but I'd get home from work and check my email - he'd then shout at me for stealing his bandwidth. Revenge came in the form of logging in to my machine from work and downloading whatever I could, all day, every day.

Another guy pissed in glasses, which isn't too bad once you get used to the idea that large hoegarden glasses should not be used for drinking out of, and small glasses are more than likely ok.

The worst guy I've shared with bought himself some decks, and I had the room above him. I can sleep through music, usually, but he was really crap at mixing so I'd wake up every time he cocked it up. I ended up buying a bigger stereo and playing 'close to you' rather loudly. He also sold drugs. From his ground-floor bedroom at the front of the house, with his blind down and window wide open. I came home from the pub one day, stood outside and heard him selling. I wasn't amused.

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CowJam, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 10:01, archived)

blind flat mates at uni

in the same halls of residence as my ex in Derby University a few years ago. As he was blind he had a large room on the bottom floor. He constantly masturbated with his door open which really smelt. He constantly cooked food late at night in the dark (obviously, as he doesn't need a light) and when i went into the kitchen unawares and turned on the light I'd nearly shit myself silly. He constantly set things on fire. He constantly knocked on my ex's door asking to be taken to the SU reading room for his daily Christian Union meeting. We constantly 'hushed up' whenever he knocked on the door but he was persistent. What can you do? He was later moved to a special section of the halls and his cum stained carpet replaced.

(jimmyjames, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 10:58, archived)

Nor sure if its bad flatmates

but for a year i shared with to other guys.
we had a blast, they did a bit of small time dealing, so people turned up at the house at all hours.
friday and saturday nights, they'd roll back from the pub, i'd usually have my g/f round, and have to go and tell them to shut the watermelon up and turn the TV/stereo down. then i have a spliff with them and all would be alright and the stereo would be turned to low.

we lived like kings for a year, never paid council tax (which i later got stung for), but the phone and cable were one of the others names, so i didn't get stung for that. i did however get the electricity bill and lose my deposit because neither of the others paid their last months rent. cranberry.

they are still around, but i haven't seen them since. I spoke to the mother of one of them, she's in Kuala Lumpa, he's borrowed £1500 from her to help with a deposit on a flat in london, as him and other house mate were moving to the big smoke. he never made it to london, i suspect that he blew it on coke, pills and ganj.

other house mate had a tendancy to come home from work, chop out and couple of lines and hoover them up. no biggy, except when i'm sitting there with my g/f whos dad's was chief super.

not the worse house mates, we had a blast, washing up got done, things were generally clean.

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Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 11:22, archived)

Ahem.

I was staying at a re-housing project for young homelesses, after a sad sorry break up, that left me vulnerable and a little bit mental.

My first flatmate did all the usual, y'know, loud music, eating my cheese out of the fridge, all that stuff. He moved out and I had the flat to myself for a month and it was bliss.

My new flatmate was a little ginger fella from Cumbria, who, for the purposes of this thread I shall call "Bill" (Cos that was his name).

First things first (or somewhere in the middle) - They had a rule that no-one was given a room if they had a history of crime - particularly anything violent.

Bill, however, had just gotten out of a young offenders institute for 2 counts of ABH, one for knocking his mum out, one for choking his stepdad to the point of unconciousness, then stamping on his face till he came round.

This made me nervous.

So a couple of weeks went by and Bill started to tell me about his life and all that, including the colourful tale of "the bat". See it turns out that in Cumbria, if you aren't paying for the Smack you take, you get a visit from Bill and the bat. Again, nerves are cued at this point.

To cut a long story not very short at all, I was in the kitchen making lunch, but couldnt find my Chef knife (all big and shiny and sharp). Bill was out so, randomly, I went to look for the knife in his room. Again randomly, I lifted up his pillow. Big fucking knife. Fear. Knife. Fear. Knife. Run. To the hills. Fast. Now.

Then I met Mrs Muhnquai and she let me come and hide in her bed. Then I moved out.

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Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 11:22, archived)

And if yer lucky.

Mrs Muhnquai might come on later to tell you about "The Chicken and Chips Man".

Its a corker.

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Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 11:24, archived)

i wait with baited breath.

it's been baited with herring.

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Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 11:28, archived)

Another bloody student

My housemate and his new best mate (who he'd met that day) came back from the pub utterly spanked at 6 o'clock on Saturday afternoon a couple of months back. He had barely had time to spill baccy and beer everywhere in a paralytic attempt to roll a spliff before two leatherclad bikers walked into the living room after him (through the back door he'd left wide open) clearly looking for blood.
From what I gathered from the yelling as they shoed him round the living room and bust his nose, he'd sat on one of their brand new bikes parked up the road on his way back and knocked it over into a wall. They left shouting that they'd be back with yardie crackheads to take our TV, but after a second look at the bike damage they instead decided to come back 5 minutes later and boot the then locked back door in and take the frame off the wall with it.
Later that night I walked into the kitchen to find him bollock naked pissing into the bin, but he's a mate though, so it's not so bad.
My first post, if you're counting.

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Button Man ...a right bottom feeder., Wed 19 Nov 2003, 12:42, archived)

Bad company

Whilst at uni (down in sunny Bournemouth) had the misfortune of living with an cranberry.

In the 2nd year 6 of us were moving in a house but one girl bailed at the last minute. So usual ads put up, only with my mobile number (only phone in the house on it). One guy kept calling from a payphone using 10p's but one of my flat mates invited him round, despite most peoples fears. Seemed nice enough, so he moved in.

Usual crap ensued, no washing up, messy, would through spaghetti at the walls in the kitchen (if it sticks, it's cooked - tip for your next newsletter?) then leave it. His bedroom stank quite bizarrely of cats piss.

He drank a lot, most people did but this guy would go on 72 hour binges - finally come to and complain that his liver hurt. All his mates were the dodgiest bunch of pikey's going, one bought a fruit machine in order to learn how to drill it but didn't appreciate how heavy they are. Left it in my bedroom for 3 months!

Then there was his missus, biggest slapper of all time and a minger with it. One time his dad called him & i knocked on his door and told him the phone was outside, 5 mins later I walked past phone still there with his dadstill waiting. I knocked on his door, pinched my nose & walked in to see him shagging his missus doggy style. Shouted at him that his dad was still waiting, then left the phone in his room. He carried on banging away with his dad listening then hung up on him. Classy guy.

I got loads more stories about what this twunt got up to, like mailing ganj back to himself from the 'dam & then getting letters from customs & excise. And acting surprised. He also screwed some of my flat mates for about £800 when we all left.

(diessel, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 12:52, archived)

ooooh, thought of another one

in my second year, i lived with more of a zeppelin than a bastard, you had to pity him really.

he was alright when i knew him in the first year. but then i moved into a house, which, being a student house, was a skank pit before we'd even moved in.

this guy wanted to be a goth and adam ant (he called it a romantigoth). he was also a christian, and thought it was ok to wank as long as you didnt think about sex while you were doing it.

he used to sit in the middle of a sunny day with every light in the room on and the curtains drawn and then complain about the electricity bill.

he played warhammer (should tell you a lot). even worked in games workshop (i used to steal his work shirts and wear them when he was out, leaving enormous air-breasts in them. o the crazy japes). then he used to bring back the 14 year olds he met at work (bear in mind he was 20) to our house while i was trying to watch fear and loathing in las vegas, and proceed to trash the kitchen when there was no pepsi in the house to get em drunk with. they were typical 14 year old goths - i.e. little shits. he thought he could fix anything with some glue and a tin of tuna (?) and we had a broken cupboard door (right at shin-bashing height) for 6 months after his numerous attempts to bodge it.

worse of all, he kept all his models in our front room. one day i spent hours painting an ork pink. he wasnt happy.

we lived in a really shitty estate - the local 12 year olds used to throw rocks at him. to protect himself, he carried round some multi coloured throwing knives. mmmm, tough. sometimes he confused them by asking why they would hurt him and had they thought about jesus?

he used to hide my laundry, making me go to work on soaking wet trousers. crikey, i find myself getting mad just thinking about him.

then christmas-just us 2 the house. his arse had exploded and coated the toilet bowl. i refused to go near it (lucky we had two bogs), and he refused to clean it. didnt see why he should! it was the most disgusting thing. yellow too. so i refused to do any washing up. when he cooked his dinner (using all my food), i ate mine and then took his dinner off him before he had a chance to have a bite, and then ate it all. (and he was a shit cook - but it was the principle of the thing) no wonder i put on weight. he literally couldnt comprehend the concept of ownership.

oh, and when we moved out, after i spent hours cleaning the house, he had a huge party after we'd all gone (including bonfire) and we lost £300 deposits. i spoke to people who'd been there (one of whom stole my favourite dressing gown), but he still denied it ever took place. but then we refused to pay his £300 leccy bills (see earlier). oh the joy.

its fun staying in a house when you dont speak for 6 months.

(polyannapolyfilla, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:59, archived)

1 question...

What's an air-breast?

(nesco, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 9:30, archived)

you'll have giant norks then?

what? just asking..

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monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 20:07, archived)

Giant Haystacks

Someone I used to work with shared a place with Giant Haystacks when they were a student. Their landlord rented him a room in their house.

Apparently, he was too large for the toilet, and sometimes missed. He also had trouble washing himself (he was 6ft 11 and weighed over 40 stone).
He was only there for a short while, and apologised when he moved out.

More of a landlord from hell story.

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Slim has found god. He was down the back of the sofa., Wed 19 Nov 2003, 13:57, archived)

At uni

I lived with 3 girls - two of them great fun, the other moved in with us in the 3rd year. She had a habit of sitting around the house topless. This is much less fun than it sounds when your parents come to visit.

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shavedchimp something something oranges something, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:01, archived)

My flat mate Rick Moranis

well, he wasn't exactly Rick Moranis but looked like him (he of Honey I shrunk the Kids and Ghostbusters “I am the key master fame”). Only this guy was much uglier than Rick Moranis. He lived in the room next door to me in a nice flat in London. All was fine until one night last Christmas he stumbled past my door waking me up at 3am. I heard a female voice and thought this cannot be true. how can Rick Moranis pull? What followed was horrible to the human ear: 27 seconds of quick headboard banging action, then 5 seconds of complete and utter silence, followed by 2 more seconds of much slower head board bangs. squeezed every last drop out no doubt. He came into the living room the next morning declaring he had the 'Festival Spirit'.

(jimmyjames, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:16, archived)

What???

My Old Man would love that and no mistake, and I can't see my mum's objections making too much difference either. Does this girl want to come and live with us?

(Me and your sisters- at it. DVDs/Videos 10 quid., Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:23, archived)

she was also mental

which i may have failed to explain clearly

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shavedchimp something something oranges something, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 12:12, archived)

Most of my flatmates have been pretty tame, to be honest

But there was one when I first came to university who used to sit in his room singing along to Meatloaf at 3am. Fortunately, he had the same make of hi-fi as me, so I could just stick my remote control out of the window and turn it off.

A few years ago, I lived with possibly the clumsiest person in the entire world. Thanks to him, I don't own a single item of crockery that isn't damaged. He also managed to kick the washing machine (with his huge, clumsy feet) every single time he walked through the kitchen and used to spend 40 minutes, twice a day, having a dump.

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HP hasn't been here in aaaaaages, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:17, archived)

He wasn't

having a dump.

(The Secret 7000 ...join us. www.secret7000.co.uk, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:27, archived)

Job loss palaver

There was the bloke from Belfast I lived with as a postgrad, who was OK to talk to but a bit of a liability. I got him a job once at a Bristol paper as a sub, to keep us in beer money. He was rubbish and had lied to me and the employer to get the job (which pissed me off as I'd recommended him). One day, just as we were leaving, he ducked in to an office on another floor and proceeded to call a mate in Ireland. Loudly. This attracted the attention of some people over on the other side of the office, who called security. We were both bundled out and expected to lose our jobs - mine through no fault of my own. The next week two letters arrived. I was at college, but came back to find that he'd opened both his letter *and mine* - his excuse being 'I wanted to make sure you hadn't been sacked'. Quite how jeopardising my job and opening my mail would have made this all right, I still don't know. Anyway, he got sacked, I didn't. He was also a fantasist and used to claim he'd just finished fucking mystery girls he'd randomly met on the street, 'but she's gone now'. This happened several times, but strangely we never once met any of the girls.

(xyandz, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:24, archived)

thieving slag

my last flatmate it turned out hadn't paid her half of the rent for 6 months, so left me with a £3500 bill. i was out of the country at the time and came home to find a CCJ had been made against me as co-tenant (flatmate had fucked off somewhere) and I had to foot the bill. did I mention she's my cousin?

(mrbeans is felching, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 14:45, archived)

Effing thievin smokin w*nkers

in Sheffield me and my girlfriend lived with a lad, who in himself was bad enough, smokin weed constantly, fucking his slag girlfriend, (his room was directly above the living room, and this was not a well-constructed house, squeak, squeak), and only ever listening to that Eve and Gwen Stefani record at full blast, over and over and over, never washing up and many more things besides. Then another flatmate left (good idea), and the evil one's brother moved in. Truly the spawn of satan...this shit smoked more than cheech and chong, and cheap stinky shit too, used the phone to call indian relatives (in India), but never stumped up any cash, hired out a car using our other flatmates details which he stole from her room(why the hire place let him do this is beyond me, he being male, using female details, but hey), he then subsequently totalled the car and then left the country, leaving our flatmate to deal with the police and us to deal with a £300 phone bill, and when i calmly explained this to his brother, he threatened me with his brothers, who were apparently "really hard", so i asked the landlord to sort it out for us or evict the brother. I then had to move back home leaving my girlfriend in Sheff. while she finished her course, the shit flatmate moved out, but wasn't contactable at his "address" and the landlord let him get away with everything, but continues to chase my girlfriend for £500 rent, which was built up whilst paying for the bills that were caused, mainly, by them, whose collectors are a little more aggressive than the landlord. So, dont go to Sheffield, its shit.

(Nery Titmilk tickling your fancy since, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:32, archived)

I've only ever had one really freaky flatmate...

...who was just a touch odd around me. I woke up one day to find all him and all his stuff gone, gave no notice and didnt pay any of the bloody bills - only thing he left was a bunch of half eaten Kitekat tins in his wardrobe.

He didn't have a cat.
Needless to say, I was violently ill at the prospect of eating kittychow. Oh, and pissed cause i got stumped with all the bills and had to fork out his rent for a month til I found a new flatmate... Bastard... sniff....

(sintaxasn, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 15:06, archived)

Does a 'Shipmate' count?

When i first Joined my first ship with the Navy i was 'appointed a bunk' opposite a chap called Alf.
Alf was a salty old sea dog and had a curtain daped accross the length of his pit so no one could see in. Anyways, laid out in my bunk on my first night trying to sleep, i see Alf's hand emerge from a gap in his curtain and in one fluid movement flung what i later found out to be sperm aimlessley accross the gap between our bunks, half of which landed on my face.
This practice carried on every night, with Alf having a Tug and flinging his babyfat in my general direction. I had to endure this until annother 17 year old joined....then he was subject to the torture and i was considered "one of the boys" and allowed to move bunk. If i saw Alf now, i would kick his fucking head in as im not 17 no more.

(Great Griffter, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 16:01, archived)

Mother Of God

thats vile! - did he ever ofer you any biscuits?

(seamonkey, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 16:12, archived)

Soggy biscuits were consumed.

(Great Griffter, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 16:22, archived)

After spending an age in the toilet

my housemate would enter the lounge beaming and victorious and invite me to take a look at the size of the stool he had just passed.

Once he came in less than jubilant and exclaimed that he had "split his ring."

(monkeyjam, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 16:27, archived)

that reminds me

my flatmate drank a 2.5ltr bottle of strongbow - i know it doesn't seem like much - but it made his anus gush blood for some reason. Then he insisted on showing us. And telling us about the subsequent visit to a doctor for whom i feel very sympathetic.

which also reminds me that him and my other flatmate used to pick their noses and wipe the contents literally anywhere. There was a whole side of the sofa speckled with little lumps and big discoloured patches on the walls. nice

(hnnrs, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:28, archived)

After spending an age in the toilet...

I think I knew him - HE didn't live in Bedford did he?

And my stools were much bigger than his, cranberry.

(Rockster77, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:50, archived)

this dude that lived at my house decided one night to empty his bladder into my mates computer.

as a result it was totally fucked... wish he left the bloody thing on.

when we kicked him out, we cleared his room for a new girl to move in and discovered mugs under the bed that had mould creeping over the edge.

(bunny_333, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 16:30, archived)

Lightweights!

There was the time a flatmate stole my friend's wallet and thereby stole their identity entire. Was finally found by the police a few years later working as a recruitment consultant in Newcastle using my friend's name/ national insurance etc.

There was the guy who went mad and started adding doors randomly to corridors. Eccentric at first -worrying in the end.

Finally

Me: I nominate myself as I'll sleep with your sister when she visits.

Oh and once lived opposite that chap who killed Jan Dildo...sorry - Jill Dando. Not a housemate as such but a 'Streetmate'.

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Your Mum, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:02, archived)

better that

than sleeping with your own sister ;)

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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:14, archived)

says who?

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Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 10:33, archived)

Had a boyfriend

Went down to Sheffield to have a romantic Valentines weekend with him. He was in uni flats with TEN guys on one floor, I ended up buying them bog roll, and eating nothing the entire weekend except take away and some jaffa cakes I bought because their kitchen was THAT rank. Bins piled about 6' high, porridge in the sink, utensils stuck to all surfaces with various congealed substances... the works. I also found out he didn't change his pants. I went for a shower and he gave me a BROWN towel and apologised that "it might not be the cleanest one in the world". We broke up.
...lovely guy though.

(pinky shminky, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:13, archived)

A House of Freaks

Was it one of my old housemates?

Myself aside, I managed to live with a whole host of people, who if not actually weird, managed to do funny things:

Chris: religious goody two shoes, however, he still managed to get so drunk one night, he woke up and took the "journey" to the toilet (but the one that related to his parents' home) and was found peeing in his wardrobe!

Dave: psycho from Hull (yes that should be a "u") who frequently turned the heating off in winter months and went away for days on end having locked his door - where the heating controls were. Did not wash his baking tray for 12 months because the fat "helped flavour the next meal". Got us fined by the landlord because his carpet had turned black with grime and dirt, and lack of hoovering - he explained that when carpets get wet they attract dust and turn black. And to cap it off he fancied one of my female friends and sent her a silk scarf for valentine's day - ah, who said romance isn't dead?

I could go on but I'll save it for another day!

(Scroatey, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 17:31, archived)

Once shared with a house of 19 freaks

at art college. My roommate used to return from college, covered head to foot in charcoal dust, from a hard days shading in and go to bed still in coat and boots. Tidying up one day a couple of us found a dirty plate, knife, fork and spoon stuck to the duvet with dried beans from last week. He also had the unsettling habit of exposing himself behind the back of the person you were in serious conversation with. Later admitted to us that he’d had ‘complete’ romantic encounters with his dog – a jack Russell. Poor dog was terrified of him. The girl in the room upstairs was stranger though. She’d had a near death experience from too much hallucinogen and crept around whispering under her breath. Once she went white as a sheet in mid conversation, relaxing only when the leopard she’d seen walk through the café had left. She failed her driving test because of swerving to miss the imaginary cats and dogs.

However, all of this was manageable compared to my sister’s housemate who had a breakdown and a baby at the same time (not good in a shared house). She kept her placenta on a plate in the shared fridge until she could get round to eating it. Had to have a huge argument to get it in the bin after a week. Sorry for length -rich vein.

(deep whimsy, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:15, archived)

Wow.

I thought living with my folks was rough . . .

(Kupo114, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:25, archived)

escaped mental patient

we had a roommate who was a complete psycho, she even had the crazy person smell. she'd wake up at 5am and scrub the floors for two hours and then rave about the "mess" in the house. everything else in her life was GREAT, but the "mess" in the house was making her miserable.

she would often refer to the time when she was "sick," and then it turned out that she'd been in an asylum for over a year and left/escpaed about a year before her treatment was over. then she fled to the united states and moved in with us. eventually she moved out after she did something dodgy with the water bill.

(rabbita, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:26, archived)

bloody hell

this thread's great/eep!

(

Dr. Kitteny Berk almost certainly drunk, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:36, archived)

Loons & pornballs

In my first year at uni I shhared a flat with 4 other guys. There was the filth and the shouting and scrabbling in desperate ways after (any) woman with no thought at all. That's normal. I had two freaks.

One of them was 30 and slightly mad. 4 day drinking binges culminating with screaming paranoia about his having aids etc. Best of all he committed himself into the local mental hospital, got bored. He then broke out with all the other patients and took them to the pub. He wasn't allowed back.

The second was a man who didnt believe in doors nd would constantly unscrew them. He never ever washed, cut his hair or toesnails. he didn't wear shoes. He claimed that he was from another planet. when we accidentallys et fire to his hair 1 dread thingy just went up in smoke. He didn't even notice. He once got pissed off at the washing up and smashed all the plates. I was afraid. Especially as he kept coming to visit me in the houses I lived in during the following years.

In another house, a dear friend of mine created porn balls. From jacking off into newspaper, porn mags etc and fashioning them into balls. There was many of them. We only found out about them when another of the guys we lived with picked one up, wondering what it was. The same guy pissed himself by the front door one evening to see what it was like. He then wanted to wash his piss sodden trousers with someone else's clothes.

edit: i forgot about the no-friends weirdo we had to get into a house as someone moved out, who seemed ok until one night when having a smoke he asked 'have you ever wanted to, y'know, really hurt a woman?' Silence ensued. We didn't really speak to him again. I'm still afraid of what he may have done....

(Lord of the Pies, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 18:42, archived)

swear filter

this filter is shit, it doesn't even do all the words, and what word becomes orangutan?

heres some of the swear words that are and arn't changed

watermelon - F.U.C.K.
shit - S.H.I.T.
arse - A.R.S.E
dave - D.A.V.E
cranberry - C.U.N.T
bollocks - B.O.L.L.O.C.K.S
nipples - N.I.P.P.L.E.S
wank - W.A.N.K
vagina - V.A.G.I.N.A
pussy - P.U.S.S.Y
zeppelin - T.W.A.T
penis - P.E.N.I.S
crap - C.R.A.P
faggot - F.A.G.G.O.T
bastard - B.A.S.T.A.R.D

please help me with the ones i've missed

(evil pete, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 20:10, archived)

that's nice

have you tried being quiet?

i think it might suit you

(

Dr. Kitteny Berk almost certainly drunk, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 20:28, archived)

up yours

why don't you try eating a cranberry you zeppelin and watermelon your mum
imature yes, but editing may make it funnier.

(evil pete, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 21:42, archived)

because i'm gay?

(

Dr. Kitteny Berk almost certainly drunk, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:57, archived)

Well...

...what you do in your own time is your choice, it isn't really a come back, or what ever that was ment to be.

(evil pete, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 22:46, archived)

you are missing

happy baby orangutan - aka w.a.n.k.e.r

(Lazarus, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 11:02, archived)

You can stick it

...up your cranberry. Go watermelong yourself and zeppelin up your mate.

(Roland Deschain, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 18:16, archived)

Hell in a housebasket.

I once had a roommate who I spent a year with in college. He was a mentalist with a temper. I used to find it terribly funny to wind him up (e.g once i spent the entire night saying "I;m the Leprachaun" with a torch, like in Waynes World). Then one day - he got so angry he punched his bed, and broke his arm in two places. I decided never to bother him again.

Actually - I guess this makes ME the hellish room mate. yoikes.

(D.A. Jim Garrison, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 21:12, archived)

I had a similar housemate

who me and a mate loved to wind up in similar ways. Once he lost the plot and smashed up his beloved guitar on the living room walls and then he went missing for 3 months. He eventually returned with no front teeth and a limp saying he had tried to commit suicide by driving his mums car into a wall.

We didnt wind him up too much after that either!

(

Danblez, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 15:30, archived)

Harv

Harv the paranoid ginger welsh hippy.

His long hair got absolutely *everywhere*.

I don't think I've yet experienced anything quite so bad as standing in the shower, washing my private bits, and pulling a two foot hair, that seems to be made of wire wool, from my arse-crack.

(

Boot I want to know what you meant, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 21:38, archived)

That made me laugh too much whilst being at work!

(

Danblez, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 15:34, archived)

I used to know...

...such a bunch of bastards. Or should i say "bitches" - a bunch of girls. Anyway -when they got a new housemate at college they got her really drunk - dressed her up like a tart, admitted THEY were all lesbians, or had lesbian tendencies, got HER to admit to lesbian tendencies then spread the gossip round the whole school the next day.

True - i didnt share with them - but wouldnt they be the worse bunch of conniving conniggggggets ever ?

(D.A. Jim Garrison, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 21:46, archived)

Pre-emptive strike ...

Some moons ago I came home drunk at about 7.30am and my flatmate from hell was hogging the shared bathroom having a shower before going to work. So I was forced to defacate in the kitchen bin.

Another had the cheek to thoroughly chastise me for having headboard-banging sexual congress with a mutual lady friend. Although to be fair the headboard was banging against the dividing wall between our rooms and the lady friend hadn't quite got around to breaking up with him at the time.

Oh. And having big feet and a belly full of prescription amphetamines *is* a perfectly valid excuse for stepping on a pet hamster. Even if the cage is on quite a high shelf.

(

Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 22:04, archived)

hahaha

(

cwethan, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 0:21, archived)

Erm!

Absolutely wetting myself at that!

But I'm more interested in the house full of lesbians above...

(Scroatey, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 11:52, archived)

well he wasn't *my* flatmate

shamefully, I was actually sleeping with him at the time. He was my best mate's flatmate though so I think it counts.

His first crime was that he was thoroughly disgusting -

he ate a lot of tinned fish. A LOT of tinned fish.

he used to cook revolting concoctions, eat them straight out of the frying pan, and when he was done, leave the half-full pan of food under the couch or coffee table.

he used to take about 40 minutes to have a crap and leave his teacup behind him in the toilet.

he had this ultra-vile lampshade by his bed which he had brought back from his travels. it was allegedly made out of camel hide and when the lamp was switched on, it reeked the whole room out (to be fair this mostly affected me, as I used to have to inhale the fumes during our sex sessions).

he had a 5 litre whisky bottle which he had been using to store his own urine for the previous three years.

The pinnacle of his flatmate crimes came when he fell out with the other guy who lived in the house (who I had also slept with, I was a prime scrubber). Anyway this guy had done something to his room - I think he hid some mouldy vegetables under the bed or something kind of lame - and my charming lover, in retaliation, collected up some used condoms and pinned them behind the drapes on his flatmate's wall. And left them there. For months, until the jizz went bright orange and started to reek like nothing else I have ever smelled.

Sometimes I can't remember what I saw in him.

(peachy, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 22:11, archived)

two queries:

a) did he only produce 5 litres of piss in three years?

b) does jizz go orange over time? Amazing what you learn on b3ta.

(

chaotic_illuminator proud spacehopperist, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 22:20, archived)

no he only pissed in there on special occasions

and yes jizz goes orange. First orange, then eventually black.

Or maybe it was just him, with his diet of pilchards.

(peachy, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 9:10, archived)

Well,

What DID you see in him? My girlfriend complains if I eat Ready Brek. I'm amazed anyone would put up with a man who, apart from anything else, bottles his own urine. You've given hope to many a single man out there with..erm..odd habits.

(luker, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 11:21, archived)

I was only young

My suggestion to any similar males out there is to go for young, impressionable girls who might just about believe it when you tell them that everyone else bottles their pee too.

(being very good in bed doesn't hurt either)

(peachy, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 16:01, archived)

The gush

first it goes red .... then it goes black .... and then you die .... it's very sad, when a porn star gets the gush

(

the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 13:08, archived)

Body Fluid Maths

Maybe:
a) he produced 5 litres of jizz in three years

b) his piss went orange?

(Scroatey, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 11:56, archived)

flatmates from hell..

One particularly stupid act by a flatmate from hell sticks in my mind, Imagine a toilet blockage caused by "stuffing" loads of bum wad news papers etc, in fact the toilet had been filled up to the rim with layer upon layer of this stuff until flatmate from hell decided in his own unique way to clear this blockage.
Basically, with the aid of some sort of flammable substance this plum had chosen to try and burn this stuff away...
...............................................
There was a muffled explosion from the toilet pan,shattering it and depositing toilet contents over walls and ceiling of toilet creating a 3 dimensional brown and white wall paper for this room...

(framspitter, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 22:43, archived)

words fail me

...exactly how muffled and by what? (can't seem to get the image of flying flaming flatulent bog roll out of my head)

(Billy, who has....never been to China, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 23:02, archived)

ewww

My ex started a habit of picking his nose while watching tv, yes, in front of me. He would put the chunks of snot in his ashtray.
He started work earlier in the morning and always left a 'little present' for me. Almost every morning there was a huge dump in the toilet. He used a ton of toilet paper as well. When I had to flush it for my use, I was always wondering if it would back up and overflow. Gag! He said he left it so the flush wouldn't wake me up. He was so gross...and you think you know someone.....he ended up with the girl from the apt. above us. Lucky girl!!

(OGH, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 23:16, archived)

Boys are silly

My friend Dave set his housemate on fire at a club. He went through a lot of pain and is now horribly scarred.

When Dave was asked to justify his actions, all he said was "For fun."

To apologise, Dave bought him a replica of the lighter he'd used to burn his friend with his initials engraved onto it.

He's actually a really nice guy.

Also...

Back in the day of Halls, one of the boys put "It's a Small World" on full blast, locked his door and left for a day of lectures.

(purplecow, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 23:22, archived)

Dave is as Dave does...

While at art school, a friend across the hall had the dubioius pleasure of sharing a room with this guy named Dave. He was VERY weird. The frequency of his face tics should have been some indication. His roommate grew frightened of him and moved out, at higher expense. Dave would often trip over objects that simply were not there, flat on his face, sometimes causing serious injury to himself. His depredations were numerous, so I will keep this short. Once the cleaning girl found out that only one person was now in Dave's room, she started leaving one set of towels and cloths, instead of two. I was in the corridor when she ran out of the room, screaming her head off. I headed into the room to see Dave, in his stained underwear, brandishing about a large knife and shouting that he was going to kill the bitch for cheating him of his towels. I put an end to his rampage, but this being prior to my military days, I didn't react as well as I could have and ended up with eighteen stitches and a tetanus booster. What a bastard.

(jeligula, Wed 19 Nov 2003, 23:52, archived)

matt, a.k.a the crack-smoking twunt from nebraska

FOAF;i let him kip in my spare room 'for a few weeks'.....turned into a few months,no surprise there.filthiest creature i've ever seen.he worked in a mexican restaurant and came home every night smelling of deep-fried fat when he didn't stumble home smelling of cheap beer.left used condoms lying around.the cat pissed on his mattress...and he didn't chuck it out!i never knew him to wash the 2 pairs of pants/socks and 3 shirts he owned;i'm not sure if he even owned any undergarments.he'd sit up late at night,playing video games and drinking,which is fine on weekends,but not at 4 am on a weekday.used to get in fights for the hell of it.i kicked him out when i found out he'd taken to smoking crack;after that,he began stalking my then-future husband's housemate.she'd pass out drunk,blaring dreadful,screamy hardcore music and would naturally have locked the door prior to blacking out in a pool of her own vomit. in her favour,however,she was a great cook and very pleasant when sober. the only great thing about matt the twunt was the morning we woke up to find him unconcious on the floor,surrounded by empty beer cans.....with a half-full beer balanced perfectly on his drowsing chest.it stayed there until he came to some time later. he wasn't as bad as a girl a mate of mine roomed with at uni.aside from being a little creepy,we suspected she had a drug problem.suspicions were confirmed when my mate went off on holiday and came back to find that creepy girl had sold *everything* in the house and skipped out,leaving the empty flat littered with drug paraphenalia.the police did manage to track her down.

(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 1:34, archived)

Pornstar

When I lived at home my mom had a roommate who was a pornstar. He would listen to music loud while sunbathing naked, and sometimes leave heroin needles in the shower.

(Persephone, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 0:56, archived)

Ok, my turn, NZ perspective

One of my ex-girlfriends had two flatmates who - and I shall not elaborate more than this - installed large eye bolts in their lounge floor and ceiling to chain each other to for their sexual pleasure....

Next up my first housemate from hell was the true blonde. She was a friend of my girlfriend at the time (now Mrs K3rry) and had just moved in when I did. Actually to say she was a blonde was an understatement. She was F.U.C.K.I.N.G thick! She was hopelessly in love with someone we all worked with (being that we all worked at the same place), but he didn’t want her, so she consoled herself by sleeping with anyone and anything. I remember one night at a party she was screwing a guy and half way through was sick all down his back. To his credit he still managed to finish so the next morning it was yet another trip down the doctors so she could get the "morning after pill".

Then she tried to impress the love of her life by going to his place while he was at work and taking his dog for a walk. This usually involved bringing it back to our place and putting it out the back while she watched TV. We had a big dog (to which she developed an unhealthy interest in it's penis - to the point of feeling it several times) so the fence was not little dog secure. Naturally *****'s dog would go through the fence and just vanish off down the road. I would then get a call at work "I've lost the dog again, can you come home and help me find it - and don't tell *****". My answer - "No" and then I would tell ***** she lost his dog again.

Her "piece de resistance" however was the one and only time she cooked. She decided one evening to make spaghetti bolognaise. She boiled the water, put the spaghetti in and when it was cooked took a colander, stood in the middle of the kitchen, and tipped the whole lot in. SPLOSH.

That is all

(

K3rry, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 1:52, archived)

Me and my brother had a "Flat Mate" once

We had a flat, a big flat. It vas a two floor flat and wery expensive so we decided on getting a flatmate.
We had a lot of applicants but fell for a mellow kinda weak and scrawny type of man called Bink. The first two monts passed with no serius problems apart from him being a drug dealer.
We found that out the second week as he attempted to sell us a large amount of Rock ´n Roll weed. But he paid the rent and kept to him self so we didn´t really care were his rent money came from.
This was dumb.

The trouble started at the end of the second month. He was starting to act wierd. Mostley talking to himself and avoiding eye contact. (This is a sure sign of madness i have been told later on)
And one night he broke in through the living room window, crawling inside and falling to the floor. me and my brother were both watching the Telly in the same room at the moment and as he stood up he said.
- Sorry didn´t know you were home.
And locked him self in his room.
Why he broke in to an apartmet to wich he had the key we will never know.
The next day it was my time to do the laundry, so i thougt. When i entered the laundry room i found the washing machine laid out in an style i think is called "a blow up schematic" every piece was placed neatly and perfect in its original place but spread out over the floor. Ever little nut bolt and spring nothing was connected to annything.
It diddn´t take a genius to figure out who had done his laundry before me. I told my brother who said.
- The happy baby orangutan had to go.
So we went in to his room to tell him.

It is now it really begin.

Bink was sitting in a chair and was fiddling with an old Police scanner trying to get it to work propperly. The only thing you could hear was an ocasional "Roger" "Come in" "Unit one" and a lot of static.
My brother told him he had to move out and why, but he didn´t seem to listen. He was by now getting wery angry on the old scanner and finaly hit it hard.
It buzzed static and crackled and went silent.
Suddenly a voice could be heard from the scanner crystal clear.
- Unit One at mark one, over.
- Unit two at mark two, over.
- OK lads this is HQ we are at the yellow house awaiting clearence from top dog. Can all unit see the yellow house, over.
- Unit one yeas we can, over.
- Unit Two yeas we can, over.
- This is Top Dog we have posisioned our selves at the crossing of...(They said our street name)
And now three things happens in an almost blinding speed.
1. My brother was standing looking puzzled and saying
- Our house is yellow isn´t it.
2. Bink is heading at almost Mac one in to the direction of the bathroom.
3. I was facing an officer of the Police special forces comming crashing throug Bink´s bedroom window wearing an full body armour and an protective gasmask.
Me and my brother was wrestled to the floor quite brutishly and we heard the other shouting.
- Weres the other bastard!!
Obviosly meaning Bink.
- He has barrikaded himself in the bathroom.
We heard another shout.
Bink, realising what was going on had taken refuge in the uppstairs bathroom and rfused to come out. He demanded that i was to come up to the bathroom door.
After awile they let me and as i came up to the door i heard a faint whisper
- Take this note and read it, but don´t tell annyone.
I took the small piece of paper and read it an this is what it said in word.

Due to the enormous exitment and tension i have crapped myself and also pissed in my pants but there is no toilet paper and nothing to whipe my self with in here. Can you, In some way get me a fresh pair of pants and some toilet paper co´s i am not giving these bastards the pleasure of seeing me like this.

I managed to persuade the officer in charge to let me go inside and give him the items he had asked for, and he agreed.
When Bink was done we opend the bathroom door an walked in to the arms othe Police.

Me and my brother spent the next five days in jail but we was found not guilty luckely.
And we never foud out what had happend to Bink, i hope he got life in jail.

(Quatermass, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 4:27, archived)

Oh i almost forgot

CerberaSpeedTwelve is she dead or alive me and my mates have got a betting game on. I have a twenty riding on that she has gone to se the great recycler in the sky.

(Quatermass, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 4:38, archived)

eep

A good end to a thread that I've just somehow managed to read in one sitting - my head hurts

(meepmeep is, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 8:41, archived)

Takes hours,

doesn't it?

and yet still there's more the next time you look...

shudder

(

Boot I want to know what you meant, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 18:25, archived)

See up top.

I could just cut and paste I suppose but in the interest of saving electrons more unnecessary work, have a look at the original post up top.

(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:45, archived)

horrible experience

but fantastic story. woo!

(

Pee-Bob, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 8:47, archived)

I know I look like a cranberry...

but that's got to be bullshit surely! 5 days in jail for being totally innnocent? Do you really think the filth would charge into
the house like that and then NOT boot the bathroom door off it's hinges?
Come on! Entertaining though I'll say that much.

...And I will admit the story is enhanced by the idea in my head of 12 burly coppers dolled up to the nines with batons, riot shields and zip tie handcuffs all knelt down in front of the bathroom keyhole, whilst there are
sounds of the toilet being desperately filled with nosebag, and then flushed, before the cistern slowly refills....
"I think he's shit himself sarge" "Right I see- well I suppose we did perhaps catch him by surprise- Johnson go and make us all a nice cup of tea- Hardcastle- hog tie the 2 innocents and find this gentleman some new pants. *Don't worry sir we'll get you nicely cleaned up as soon as you've finished
flushing that bugle and then we'll just ask a couple of quick questions before clearing out and leaving you in peace- sorry for the intrusion*"!!

(Me and your sisters- at it. DVDs/Videos 10 quid., Thu 20 Nov 2003, 12:55, archived)

Hmmmm

...the man's got a point - what understanding rozzers!

"Err, sorry about the window, we got a bit carried away there - PC Tagnut's a bit handy with a chisel, so he's knocking you up a replacement. Meanwhile, would you like something to read while you sort yourself out?"

(Strontium Dog, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:11, archived)

I´m from Sweden

Things work alittle diffrent here. :)
Our foreing affair minister got knifed down and killed while shopping. There were a alot of witnesses, so they managed to cathch the killer. They have had him locked up for about 52 days now. They have DNA prof eye whitness statements and a semii confession from him but he is still not charged with the murder.
So you see things work alittle diffrent here. :)

(Quatermass, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 23:41, archived)

not exactly room mates

the people who lived next door to our appartment were god-awful. They used to fight-screaming and breaking glass and shit and slamming doors for hours on end, and then go silent . And then you'd hear water running.
Sometimes they would fight until the early morning then have wild, passionate make-up sex on a squeeky bed that banged against our bedroom wall. I hated them.
One day I came home from work and there were three police cars and a van outside my building. My landlady was standing, white-lipped, by the main door. I went up to my flat. I could hear screaming next door and that quiet, low voice the police use when they're trying to be reasonable. My boyfriend took me out on the balcony (we overlook the parking). All over the car park and in the alley just beyond it there was paper, photos, cds, clothes, electronics, dresser drawers, footballs, pictures framed in glass... As I was watching, a drawer from a dresser came sailing out the window and smashed on the pavement. That was it, the last I heard of them.

(nabi, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 5:54, archived)

Don´t start on idiots next door :)

I have only had one flatmate but i have a million idiots next door. :)

(Quatermass, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 6:24, archived)

Seconded.

I've never had a flatmate from hell, but if neigbours (i.e. twunts from the flat upstairs) are allowed i'll be stuck here typing all week.

(Daveybaby, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:05, archived)

my worst flatmate ever,

let's just call him "Trevor", was my assistant manager at Pizza Hut. He was a couple of years older than me, but when his parents kicked him out of home, I told him he could have the spare bedroom at our place. We soon discovered that he was an alcoholic, (and a pothead (which we didn't mind so much)) and would drink a bottle of rum almost every day when he got home from work. We also discovered that he didn't own bed sheets, just a sleeping bag, which he NEVER washed. He lived there for a year, and it never got washed. To make matters worse, this is in Brisbane, Australia, where it gets REALLY HOT in summer. Even worse was that he was a compulsive masturbator and would do so, in the nude, in the sleeping bag...on the couch. He also had a nasty habit of vomiting back into the rum bottles when he'd finished drinking; as a science student I was constantly amazed at how neatly he could do this, what with the force generated by retching which was directed through a small hole into a closed space. He would often leave the bottles in the lounge room, on top of the television (i guess that's where he put them when he got up to change the porno tape that he was watching), which would heat up and stink out the house. Unfortunately, besides this he was a top bloke and we didn't have the heart to kick him out. We eventually convinced him to go to AA, and he's given up drinking now (i'm sure he's just replaced it with more masturbating) and I don't live with him, so all's well that ends well i guess.

(coweringinthecorner, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 9:07, archived)

mmmm

he sounds special.
vom and cum, what a beautiful combination.

(peachy, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 9:41, archived)

you have no idea

how bad that sleeping bag smelt. The worst part was that the sleeping bag was really stiff, i assume because of all the dried cum...

(coweringinthecorner, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 9:46, archived)

stop it!

I can imagine... I just really don't want to...

I had a flatmate once (briefly) called Clem. She moved in with us, realised she hated every single one of us (we were lovely really) and the area we lived in, then fucked off to Muswell Hill - but during her brief stay, she had a chap round to stay - think it was her mate's brother - who similarly used to masturbate on the couch into *her* sleeping bag. And that smelled bad enough, but it wasn't during an Australian summer.

(peachy, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 9:55, archived)

*blick*

it's a bad idea to read this thread whilst eating a Mullerice. It's right put me off it.

(Rondette, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 15:48, archived)

My mate was...

A Terrible flatmete in halls. He absolutely hated one of his flatemates becuase he kept on using his showergel and shampoo etc, so he started urinating into his own shampoo and just leaving it in the shower for his cunty flatmate to use. He said the trick was not to shake it to mix in the urine, but to gently turn the bottle upside down a few times. He also said he did the same with a bottle of brandy that his flatmate was stealing too. The cranberry.

(Andy D, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 10:16, archived)

*blick*

it's a bad idea to read this thread whilst simultaneously drinking brandy and washing your hair. It's right put me off it.

(Daveybaby, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:10, archived)

ex-boyfriend

an ex-boyfriend of mine claimed to do the same thing, only at parties when he decided that he didn't like the hosts. he was my roommate for a while since we lived together briefly, and would compulsively smell his finger after sticking it in his anus. i'm pretty sure he was full of crap on the urination in enemies' personal hygeine products, but he was still a real psychopath, that one...

(rabbita, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 20:28, archived)

piddle

maybe this makes ME the housemate from hell, I don't know...
I used to share with a couple of people, whose names are withheld, and you'll see why: a girl, and a foreign student fella, both of whom were 90% ok. (apart from the fella leaving the house overnight when I asked him for the £400 in council tax he owed me... another story.)
The girl decided that she'd quite like to move her new boyfriend in with us, into what was already a crowded house, and let him pay no rent, Council tax or share of bills, as he was having a spot of financial trouble.
He was, (un)fortunately, also a fastidiously clean gentleman, who would occupy the bathroom for upwards of 40 minutes each morning, preventing me from showering, brushing teeth, using the loo.
For 3 months I was late for work on account of this, unless I woke up extra early, and beat the fella to the bathroom. Naturally, I resented having to alter my routine to fit in with that of an uninvited guest. So....
I would ask him, whilst he was running his bath, if he'd mind stepping out of the bathroom so I could pee and clean teeth. Being a decent fella, he obliged. I would clean my teeth, and as a thank you note, pee in his oh-so-precious bath water.
Apparently it's rather good for the skin, but it ain't Calvin Klein bubble bath!

(doctor sideburns, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 10:07, archived)

script kiddie

my flatmate-from-hell was involved in telephony fraud which he was performing to support an IV drug addiction. he was receiving kickbacks from a german who was running a 'sex chat' operation out of israel -- for each person he illegally billed for time on the 'sex chat' service he received a small fee. australians may remember 'current affairs' television articles about 70 year old men, or aged war widows, wondering why they had $5000 phone bills. this guy was part of the reason why, phone companies closing ranks and pretending they didn't have security issues was another.

i ran into him recently after a period of about eight years -- i was feeling generous and grabbed his shoulder and forgave him for the money he owed me, about AUD500 for rent and bills and what not.

the fucker pretended to be french-canadian: a feral girlfriend started shrieking at me and it all became too hard. bear in mind that if i see him again, after that little stunt, i will kill him. maybe. His initials were GDMcC if anyone recognises this story and wants to help me tie his ankles and throw him in the yarra.

(alex4.0, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 10:28, archived)

Mother of Christ...

my heart goes out to you all (please return using the stamped addressed jiffy-bag provided). I haven't got any horror stories to top those on here, but when I was in first year halls, we "broke into" my neighbour's room, found all his clothes, soaked them in water, and compacted the lot into the bottom drawer of our freezer. He returned from a weekend away, and eventually found his "clothes brick" after about forty minutes of "it's not fuckin' funny"ness.

Why did we do that then?

Because the atrocious happy baby orangutan used to defrost chicken drumsticks/lamb chops/whatever by tying dental floss to the thin end, hanging them over the side of the kettle (tea bag style, tied to the handle so the stuff didn't touch the element), and setting it to boil. In addition to being frigging horrible, it was also sadly obvious that it just didn't work! (Cooked on the outside, frozen solid in the middle) And he still didn't take the hint after the "clothes brick" excercise. His reasoning was that "the boiling kills off any of the germs". Which I suppose it does, but that's no good cause, we pointed out, to fill our frigging kettle with meat.

Ultimately we let him off cos' by and large, he was a sound bloke.

Like I said, nothing compared to what everyone else on this board appears to have gone through. Pissed me off mind you.

(I have been brutally attacked by ten-foot long, solid brass lesbian ants. Again, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 10:59, archived)

dirty minx

Most of my housemates etc were fine but about a year ago the wife and I lived owned a terraced house in a normal little street except for our neighbours in the rental next door. After moving in we quickly found out they liked to have huge rows with all the windows open and also shag and shag and shag and shag with the windows open at night when all was nice and quiet except for a moose like noise www.angelfire.com/tn2/thefrontier/Moose.htm

Every bloody night all bloody night started feeling most inadequate. Bad enough but then one night we were awoken to screams form the street so we look out to see what’s going on and delight at the sight of "the shaggers" boyfriend unwillingly dragging his gf up the road by her hair (full caveman style) while she screams at him to "pull harder" and to "just get on with it", eventually he gives up tells her she is "a bit weird" and leaves laid in the middle of the road and goes home.
Huge window smashing row ensued and shagging commenced with renewed gusto.

We moved, but that’s another story involving ASBO retards and the police.

(bblac didnt get the new job booo rotten bastards, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 11:19, archived)

love the

sound effect. Really improved the imagery.

(coweringinthecorner, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 22:36, archived)

The things girls argue about.

This just in my inbox from a female pal. Her grief with her flatmate began with her not sharing any chocolate. We take up the story there:

"She was pretty moody last night, makes me tense, had to tell someone. She often is actually. Then after that she said she was going to make some angel delight and I thought she meant for both of us but she made some in a saucepan then ate in in the lounge, scraping the spoon across the pan. I'd never do that - I always offer her some of what I have! Just think its a bit weird, but there you go."

Chicks are mad.

(bob T builder, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 12:06, archived)

The things girls argue about. II

hot off the press: "I didn't mean share my dinner or anything, but if you've got cake, sweets, choc or loads of angel delight i'd always share. Especially since I was saying that I really fancied something sweet, and she agreed, said , oo, I've got some angel delight, i'll make it, and then didn't give me any. Now that, whichever way you look at it, is weird. I'm buying some tonight and not giving her any."

Madness.

(bob T builder, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 12:12, archived)

I had the worst flatmates ever at UNI

They used to wake me every day with the telly blaring out the theme tune to Neighbours.

(nash0819, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 13:04, archived)

Shitty flat-mate

Whilst at Uni I had the missfortune to live with a bloke who got shit in the shower. It took a bit of detective work to figure it out, but basically the tight sod wasn't buying bog paper, but unfurling the inner cardboard tube. Its curvey springlike nature then made it the perfect arse-catapult, sending poo into the shower opposite. Oh, and he had his alarm clock set to play a bit from Pulp Fiction...the bit where they rob the cafe...so I would be awoken by that bird screaming something about mother f**kers. Oh, and he tried to get off with my girlfriend! Still, what he doesn't know is that we got his mattress out of a skip and never told him!

(tooled-up badger, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 13:19, archived)

footprints from the bath

same UNI flatshare and one of the dippy females left the door open on a regular basis.

One morning I awoke to the door slamming as someone went out. When I looked outside my door (opposite the bathroom) there was a trail of white footprints leading out of the bathroom and out through the now closed door. I traced the footsteps outside the block of flats.

Someone - unknown to this day - had found our open flat door, used our bath, talcum powdered themselves and then walked barefoot back out of our flat and then the building.

Also in the same flat, we used to pour stale cereal out of the window. One guy in the flat below tried to catch it with his mouth. He loved the stuff.

We had an egg fight with the flat downstairs once and one egg flew through my window right into the back of my wardrobe, where I didn't find it until I moved out. Stange thing was, it didn't smell.

Then there was the time I got fined by the Uni for playing Colorblind James Experience albums at full volume, late in the evening that they had done a gig at our Uninon.

"I'm considering a move to Memphis... When I get there I'll put a sign on my door saying 'Feel free to disturb me, that's what I came here for" -- lyrics from CJB's most famous song.

(nash0819, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:23, archived)

Flatmate from Hell

It happened at university, 10 years ago - but the memory still haunts. 5 ladies sharing a house in N.London.

One lady being extremely friendly with the guys - any guys, to the point she would bring a different one home every night, promptly taking the guy of the night upstairs. Now while they were upstairs, another guy would turn up for her & we would politely entertain him [not knowing what else to do], trying to cover up the banging, springs a squeaking, drifting down the stairs, we would turn the music up, until our flat'mate' came down & exchanged her guy in the bedroom for the waiting guy in the lounge.

Now we tried talking to her, tried to get her help - to no avail, and this continued - we were fed up. One night she was out, she'd p*ssed us off so much, we took her toothbrush and ran it round the inside of the toilet rim, and for the icing-on-the-cake she always wore a baseball hat - so we invited a friend to relieve his bladder into the inside of the hat.....

she quickly moved out, it might have been the smell from the hat....

(champagne lady, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 13:14, archived)

whilst

living in halls with two timid (or so we thought) chinese girls in the first year of university, we (myself and my 3 flatmates) returned home from an evening at the local discotheque in dire need of a snack. upon investigating the fridge, we discovered an intriguing plastic bag with ornate chinese lettering upon it. in our drunken state we decided to open it to see what oriental delights lay within. to our horror, we discovered what appeared to be some kind of animal penis nestling snugly in the cellophane. we also found a large mixing bowl covered with a tea towel containing three freshly killed baby chicks marinating in their own blood on the sideboard. i think they were the extra cute and fluffy variety. obviously this was unacceptable, and so began a long series of unpleasant episodes between them and us. this climaxed with the invention of a new and potentially lethal game - krazy golf. to create a krazy golf course in student halls, simply open the front doors of two facing flats, place the tee at one end of one corridor and a cup to represent the hole at the other. various hazards (skateboards, piles of books etc) can be added as required. now, normally the game is to be played at a sedate pace using a putter to gently coax the ball home. not so my flatmate who produced a 'big bertha' driver from somewhere and, with a swing that would have turned tiger woods the same colour as the fairway at st augusta, viciously clouted the ball cupwards. in addition to producing a pleasing whistling sound it travelled with the trajectory and speed of an exocet missile and, in a twist of fate that in all honesty we should have seen coming, struck one of our chinese friends directly in the face. the sickening 'crunch' sound and fountain of blood was an impressive, if harsh bonus. one badly broken nose later, our short lived golfing careers came to an abrupt end.

reading back over this, i'm still unable to decide who was the worse of the two - penis eating, fluffy chick slaughtering chinese girls or the golfer who would condemn the british army's SA13 surface-to-air missile defence system to an early retirement.

(demolition_pumpkin_squeeze, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:01, archived)

culinary expertise

This didn't happen in my flatshare but a friend reliably informs me they had a guy so clueless in their house that he couldn't even change a lightbulb. Needless to say, he couldn't cook.

He got adventurous one day and tried to cook one of those tinned steam puddings, with jam or treacle on top. He set up a large pan of boling water, made an incision in the top of the pudding tin with the tin opener, as per the instructions. Then he proceeded to take the whole top of the tin off and empty the contents of the tin into the boiling water. And let it boil for 35 minutes.

His steamed pudding came out a tad soggy.

(nash0819, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:54, archived)

The hat was excellent,

We resorted to the same stuff in my flat (still living in) just last year. When the 2 wenches we lived with were away at the w/e we'd have mad piss ups and invite our friends to do as they willed to personal effects- toothbrushes, makeup brushes, mascara wands- it all went into worst toilet in the house. At the end I turned out two pillow cases and had a male friend wipe his remnants on the inside, then put them back on the pillows.

S'wot they deserved. I swear.

(plesant_tasting, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:14, archived)

thread kept me entertained all day so far...

Nothing that competes. But.

When we had our House "Warming" (to be read as destroying) party in the 2nd year at uni, a housemate invited friends from his "Live Action Role Playing" club along. LARP is when you dress up like you're in Lord of the Rings, on a 1.99 budget and fight each other. Anyway, one particular loser, who was also on our course at uni demonstrated his battle abilities. Jumped down half a flight of stairs, and went through the floor boards at the bottom. Heaved himself out of the hole by hanging onto the front bedroom door. Pulling it off it's hinges.

Later on, another LARP member found my Katana I'd bought in the 1st year in a fit of "I've just got my loan and like shiny things". He was demonstrating how skilled he was with it in the back yard. Impressive at first. Till you realised he was just copying moves from the movies, and had practiced them a lot, but had no actual skill or training. This was most apparant when the blade (live blade by the way) flew out of his hands, narrowly missing the flat mate and I and embedding itself into a wheely bin.

The guy in the room below me dropped out, and I agreed to abide by the decision of everyone else who had found a guy they'd met a few times at a club that I didn't go to (The Ritz in manc) to move in.

He was an OK guy most of the time. Bit of a dirty bugger, even more so than us, but not too bad. Only /really/ bad thing was he'd go on all night clubbing sessions on drugs, come home, go to sleep. Forgetting to turn off his alarm. Which was his stereo. Still loaded with the night before's getting ready to party music. He could sleep through it. I couldn't.

In the 3rd year, of the 5 of us that moved into the 2nd year house: 3 of us lived together. I was the worst housemate I think that year, because I failed to accept the fact that my stereo bass could be heard in the room above. Only little problem we had then I think. Housemates might think otherwise perhaps.

(

THEMike, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:34, archived)

I lived in Glasgow once...

Where I stayed with a plethora of nutters. When I first moved there my flat mates where a great couple who I got on with fantastically but when they moved out it all went the way of the pear.
The next guy who moved in was a bit of an alchy who liked to piss into bottles & left 20 of them when he moved out.
Then the next guy broke into my room & stole my computer, my stereo & all my CD’s (which I was pissed off at the most) but for some reason left my playstation.
So I moved out of that flat & in with a mad speed head who actually turned out to be a really nice guy but had a habit of bringing all sorts of waifs & strays home including a deaf girl he found in a phone box (???), a sex mad ex prostitute & a homeless guy who just wanted a shower (took a long time to get rid of smell from the bathroom) anyway he eventually ran away after running up a £50 speed bill he couldn’t pay to the pimp/drug dealer across the road, not wanting to get caught up in the fall out I moved out.
Straight into a house with an ensuite crazy rangers fan complete with red hand of Ulster & UVF slogans painted over his walls & a sawn off shotgun under his bed.
I ran & never looked back since. I’ll never live in Glasgow again.

(bigus_rikus, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 14:53, archived)

"plethora of nutters"

Weren't they a 1970s experimental Jazz/Rock combo?

(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 13:10, archived)

The last straw

My boyfriend recently went back home to Newcastle for a couple of weeks. The morning after he returned, he found the front door to be "crawling". On closer inspection, he found it to be covered in thousands of small flies. Something had obviously died near the front door without his flatmates realizing, become infested with maggots, which then hatched.

Later that week, he noticed that one of their fridges was taped up. On opening it, he found that something had obviously gone bad, leaked all over the bottom of the fridge and become mouldy. Rather than cleaning the fridge, his flatmates had decided to just tape the fridge closed and use his instead.

Lucky for me though coz now we have a lovely clean house together.

(sleepy, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 15:21, archived)

maggots again

An old flatmate of mine was a keen fisherman. Soon after I moved out (luckily), he left a large pot of maggots, which were to be used as bait, in the sitting room with the top off. During the night, they all crawled up the sides of the pot, out of the pot and buried themselves into the carpet. A few days later, he had a very large fly infestation.

(nash0819, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 15:49, archived)

maggots even again -

maybe it was me who was the awful flatmate....but it was art college, and I had to come up with something..meaningful, deep even...it was the last night before having to present to the rest of the group.

Living with vegans at the time, I realised I had to go to some friends to create my greatest. I boiled a pot of maggots, they smelled - BAD, lots of frothy foam on top of the water, having to wash them well to rid the odour. I dried them, then started to thread them onto fishing wire, finishing off with PVA glue, to create a nice varnished look.

The next day people were trying on my necklaces admiring my handiwork, they thought they were wood, not necklaces of maggots but they did look good - honest...and who was I to tell them the truth

(champagne lady, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:29, archived)

worst flatmate

He had 'issues'. I caught him having one off the wrist into a pair of my smalls when I came home early from work one day. Then he took a 'cry for attention' overdose at my birthday party.

Didn't kill him unfortunately.

(Is it supposed to look like that?, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 15:30, archived)

I live with my girlfriend

(

cheeves, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:02, archived)

I was the worst flatmate

When I was at Uni I've got to say I was a complete doughnut. It went from having a really loud girlfriend who's constant squeals of pleasure meant that I was bombarded with waterbombs and cans of beer from the flat two floors above to being one of those sort that drank too much and had a load of 'accidents'.

Finding out a few years ago that my granddad died a wino in the 80s from drinking meths stopped the drinking and now means I'm the perfect housemate who can do no wrong (halo's at the laundry for cleaning BTW).

Anyway, I'm apologising to all those poor sods out there who had the misfortune to live with me. If it's any consolation the world got it's revenge by giving me a lodger who was an alcoholic 50 year old deaf Irishman who used to listen to his porn collection really loud with a vibrator up his arse and left his room's floor and walls covered in Guinessy vomit and shit. See? There is justice

(Sir Simian, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:08, archived)

ewww

but its nice to mend your ways...

(

Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:28, archived)

Mended ways

Well most of the less socially acceptable ones anyway :p

(Sir Simian, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:01, archived)

I lived with a pyro

He was a bit simple, bless him but he managed two remarkable feats whilst living in the same house as me in Coventry about ten years ago:

(a) he got arrested for trying to burn down the local CostCutter supermarket

(b) burn down the garage of the house without it being his fault. this was caused, according to the investigating fire brigade officer, by an electrical fire starting in the Alfa Romeo car that a friend of his had left in our garage for safe keeping.

(nash0819, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 16:53, archived)

We were watching television once and my uni housemate,

after carefully excavating his nose, popped the successful result of the dig into his mouth. "Did you just pick your nose and eat it?!" I asked.

"It's mine isn't it!" he replied in a voice that suggested that by not eating my own bogeys I was somehow part of a deranged minority.

Once we were in the room of a girl he knew, and in front of about 6 others he pulled her dildo from her bedside cabinet and proceeded to wave it at us all.

(monkeyjam, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:19, archived)

Dopey geographers

Hmmm, generally been pretty lucky, been in some nice houses with some nice people. However (this is in sunny Reading) after a few years of calm, various people move out, well people eventually write up their PhDs.

So we look for someone new, only applicant is a 2nd year Geography undergrad, called for the sake of argument, John (his real name). Seemed quiet and OK. Shame he turned into a dope dealing happy baby orangutan. Nothing wrong with that as such, apart from the coming home at 4am, many mates in tow and proceeding to play very loud DnB. And wandering around in an impenetrable haze all year.

Biscuit was taken by the neighbours knocking on the door about 1am, complaining someone was lurking about in their garden. Some of John's 'mates' attempting a spot of breaking and entering.

Freaked us out totally by straightening out for a couple of weeks before his exams (didn't do him much good). Kept walking into the lounge, saying hello and asking if anyone wanted a cup of tea. Very scary.

Still, got rid of him eventually. His final performance was in a pub a few months later. Was in there with my newish girlfriend, spotted John, who owed us a fair bit for the phonebill. Asked (very politely) if he could maybe see his way towards getting us the cash some time. Reply a mumbled grunt. Couple of hours later, he stumbles over and has a twenty minute paranoid rant at me (and my amazingly understanding gf) about how we hated him and never made him feel welcome etc etc....never saw him again.

Typically of course, I now like drum and bass, and can I find anyone to by gear off? Still, judging by others on here, I got away pretty lightly.

(

Scoff Cruddle you would, wouldn't you?, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:01, archived)

1st houseshare after UNI

Straight after UNI, with all of us on the dole, I moved in with a boy and a girl and her brother Paul. My best mate used to come round and play guitar for hours on end with Paul. This was despite the fact that neither of them of could play guitar. Instead, frenzied feedback sessions going on into the wee hours were the norm. This led to a nervous breakdown for the other boy in the house, who is now quite sane and a very pleasent accountant to boot.

The girl in the house used to pour salt around her bed every night to stop the slugs getting to her bed.

And she lived upstairs.

One day we were burgled. The police came round and started dusting a windowledge for fingerprints when they asked if we had been burgled about 6 months beforehand. We said we had only moved in a few months ago and how did they know we were burgled?

They said the fingerprint dust from the last burglary was still there on the windowledge.

(nash0819, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 17:46, archived)

my house mate

went on about the cleaning cycle that goes on in her house for 4 hours - yes 4 hours. I missed both football matches yesterday AND the highlights. I dont even think that she stopped to take a breath. Seriously.

I also know about the disection of ANY animal, what is going to happen in eastenders 4 months in advance. its like being talked to by the bloody encyclopaedia.

im going to take some beer and fall asleep.

(

useless_rocker twitter.com/phillipteague, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 18:50, archived)

last year, i lived with

an incredibly militant Northern Irish Catholic who took much pleasure out of trying to beat me up in my sleep. He also blamed me for the Bloody Sunday massacre, despite not actually been alive when it happened.
i also lived with one of Robert Mugabe's nephew. really. he refused to put his name on any of the bills, often paid his rent in cash and used all of our heating without contributing to the utilities bills.

but this one takes the piss
Little piky watermelon who lived with us, kept himself to himself, never talked to us. One day I noticed that my television looked slightly different then it had a while back. the little shit had gone into my room, and not just nicked my telly, but swapped it with his shit one. bastard.

(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 19:07, archived)

bristol

When you're on the M4 from London, just before you get to Bristol you'll see a sort of milk depot thing on the right, with huge shiny silos. Well, if you look left almost as soon as you go past you'll see a rundown looking house, just behind some trees.

I used to live there with about 10 madmen.

One was seriously into UFOs. He would spend hours staring out the window at Mars or Venus on the horizon asking us over and over what it was. He wanted to buy a video camera to film them, but 'not an expensive one, cos the aliens can break them.' Total fruitloop, used to paly in a local band but only seemed to be able to play 'Kingston Town' on his keyboard. For hours.

We had a open fire, which was the only heating in the place. We never cleaned the chimmeny and one day about 15 tonnes of soot decided to fall down it, covering everything in the kitchen/sitting room, and making us look like some blacked-up '50s variety show. We also set fire to the chimmeny several times by raiding the nearby farmers woodstore and building indoor bonfires in the huge fireplace.

The local water company decided to cut off our water for a month, saying that there records showed we had a private supply. We asked the landlord, and sure enough there was an old fashioned hand pump in the back yard. We had to use that for all our water. If you left a jug of it out for more than 3 or 4 hours it turned green, but it was all we had.

One bloke was a mad irish lunatic. Imagine the Brad Pitt charater out of 'Snatched'. It was him, only not so well balanced. He spend most nights sitting at his open bedroom window shooting at rabbits with a fuckoff shotgun which made cycling home in the dark quite exciting. The whole building would shake when he fired that cannon.

Me and the only other sane guy in the place discovered we could get free phone calls on the house payphone by sticking a knife into the coin slot to get credit. We were so bored stuck out in the sticks we took the piss slightly, and would ring up random numbers with an australian prefix, and try and have conversations with the bemused aussie on the other end.

When the bill came in, it was about 300 quid, and there was only about 25 in the phone.

The landlord blamed Brad Pitt and finally had the excuse to chuck him out.

We left shortly after.

(inflateable, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 20:28, archived)

The Award for sheer whenchery

Goes to my 3rd year flatmates who were utterly loony- me an the roomie asked 2 nutters we’d lived near in halls 1st n 2nd year to take the empty room in a flat we’d be moving into (complete with twee leather sofas and glass top tables)for £370 a month.
The morning before our lease began, one moved her kit into “the big room” - claiming it for herself and her minger flatmate- then moved out half her wardrobe to her boyfriends place across town where she lived for the rest of the year!

The left-behind girl would lock herself in “the big room” for days with the TV on and the radio up, emerging only to make something burnt and foul on a baking pan that was crusty with the charred remains of chips, foetus or macaroni (we never found out), every night putting the pan in our useless dishwasher. Everything that passed through that thing for a year was covered in little bits of blackened debris.

She didn’t like pubs, “didn’t approve” of drinking (so we were pissed Thursday, Friday, Saturday), never cleaned the shared spaces (there was fur rugs of dust on half the house), squealed when she had sex, had loads of mates up without asking if we minded 4 twunts sleeping in the living room for 3 day stretches, played hideous Christian Rock, whined on the house phone to her boyfriend/mother/sister loudly in the next room that we hated her.

When we tried to tell her we’d found other people we wanted to live with she lost it- utterly bonkers. Started telling people that we were lesbians and Satanists that we were trying to throw her things out (leave dried flowers on a shelf in a dusty pile for 4 months I’m bloody throwing them out!).

She and the absentee knacker installed a new lock on their bedroom door and bolted for the last 3 months of the lease…which I unscrewed and replaced with the old knob.Inside we found she’d been hoarding cutlery, dishes, cleaning supplies and an insane amount of Charmin. Things of ours- old magazines, tea towels, a set of hairbrushes and the remote to my TV were in a box under her desk. The pair of them officially moved out 8 Aug, having nicked three of my dvd’s and left a manly load of crap in the toilet.

See "Flatmate from Hell" post above for our relatiation(s). Heh.

(plesant_tasting, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 20:23, archived)

Never ever ever ever ever ever ever...

...share a house with a gay couple. Ever.

When I turned twenty a close friend of mine, a gay man (we'll call him Bruce), told me that he and his (much) younger boyfriend (we'll call him Dick) were tired of living out of each others parents' houses, and that they wanted to move out on their own. Only problem was, they couldn't afford the deposit and household bills on their own. Since I was sick of living with my parents (with whom at the time I was fighting tooth and nail) and wanted to get out, would I like to get a place with them?

We decided to sit down together at the pub and talk it over. We decided up front on some house rules, and each made preparations for moving in to our new shared house.

You can tell before I start that this is going wrong, can't you? Rather than launch a tirade of abuse agianst these two halfwits, I shall merely give you the best examples of their crimes.

1. Despite agreeing not to, Bruce and Dick decided to have sex everywhere in the house, and point out "interesting" stains to me after I had sat on them. Preferably while I was eating.

2. At New Years they decided that, since I was depressed over living so far away from my girlfriend (before we got engaged she lived in the Midlands whereas I lived in Sussex), they would invite all of my friends around for a New Years party. Without asking me. They then decided to invite their parents around for the same bash and spent the entire evening screaming at me every time one of my friends said or did anything that might offend their parents. Decided to make a statement by herding their parents, an uncle and a family friend into their bedroom and keeping them there all night. Of course I got screamed at AGAIN after eveybody had left.

Yep, that REALLY fucking cheered me up, guys.

3. Decided after about three weeks in to stop eating their meals with me and eat in their bedroom together (even if, for example, I had cooked something for everyone which had taken special effort, like a roast dinner), thus leaving me completely and utterly alone every single night of the week.

I know what you're thinking: why not invite your mates over? Because if I did we would be screamed at every five minutes for "making too much noise", despite Bruce and Dick themselves having their TV up loud enough for the planet of Mars to hear.

4. Heaven forbid I EVER have the audacity to step foot into their bedroom if they were out. But, of course, Dick would think nothing of rounding up anything lying around the house that was "obviously" mine (i.e. anything that wasn't specifically recognisable as his) and dumping it on my bed. Usually after I'd spent effort cleaning up my room. They would both help themselves to any videos they wanted from my room, too.

5. I would be "punished" if I left a plate or cup out overnight. On one occasion Bruce let himself into my room whilst I was at work, took the bag of Haribos I had bought for myself and ate them. When I got home and asked if he had seen them, he advised me that he had eaten them because I had left a coffee cup on the table that morning. I asked him why he felt he just couldn't admit that he stole them because he wanted them, he looked at me as if I was mad. Why would he, an upstanding member of society, possibly subject himself to the ingestion of assorted fruit sweets unless it was, in fact, to punish me?

zeppelin.

7. Bruce worked shifts. Since Dick was quite well paid, Bruce took advantage and only worked 6am to 12pm (four whole hours, fact fans). Since he was up at five every morning he felt this entitled him to sleep from the moment he got home until Dick got home (usually about 9pm), and shout at me if any noise was making woke him up. Of course he was a light sleeper and would sleep in the living room, not his bedroom, so everything from me walking in the front door to cooking my dinner would wake him up. *sighs*

8. Bruce, Dick and I used to share one night a week, when we would all pile on to the sofa and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer (not that we were allowed to watch Angel afterwards, since Bruce thought it was "crap", but that's another story). One evening, we saw the musical episode, "Once More With Feeling". Bruce was immediately on the internet downloading poor "recorded-off-the-telly-speaker" MP3s of the songs featured in said episode, which he would then play endlessly all night, every night whilst he browsed the web. Until three in the fucking morning. Bearing in mind the previous point I made, this was definately hypocrite country.

9. This is possibly the worst offence of all. I had recently been made redundant and, being jobless, seperated from my girlfriend and having to walk on eggshells all fuckng day in case I woke Bruce, was naturally on breaking point.

One afternoon, after cooking lunch for the three of us and being left alone to eat in silence yet again, I find out that my girlfriend was deathly ill and coughing up large quantities of blood. Panicking, I pack some things in an overnight bag and get ready to hop on the nearest train to the Midlands. I knock on their bedroom door, to tell them what's going on and to politely ask them to feed my pet rat while I was away.

No answer.

I waited another twenty minutes (in case they were, you know, having rampant man-monkey sex) and knocked again, louder.

Nada.

So, being in a rush to leave (the train was leaving in twenty minutes and I lived ten minutes from the station), I wrote a polite note explaining what happened and stating my request. At the bottom of the note I clearly stated that if this small task was too much for them they should phone me on my mobile and I'd have someone pick the rat up and look after him whilst I was away.

I had been away for a couple of days when I phoned to see how things were going. Bruce refused to speak to me. Dick snidely told me that I had dumped my pet on them and that they were of a mind to leave him in the back garden to starve and freeze to death. I begged him not to, and asked that he let me arrange someone to pick the poor thing up, when Bruce came on the phone and told me that they were only kidding but they felt a bit put out.

That was the last time I heard from them, depsite trying to get in contact, for a fortnight. Then my girlfriend accompanied me back home, only to find that Bruce was refusing even to acknowledge my presence. After four days of this childish behaviour I find out that he had assumed, given my "lack" of contact (bearing in mind I was leaving phone messages every other day that went unheeded) and my jobless nature that I was moving in with my girlfriend and finding work in the Midlands. They had BOTH assumed that I was simply going to run away and leave them to pay the rent on their own, which they couldn't really afford.

Think that's the worst it got? You'd be wrong.

Less than a week after we had cleared this matter up (i.e. I'd told them I had no intention of moving out), they gleefully informed me that THEY were moving out (having found a one-bedroom place they could afford) and that I had the choice of paying the £800.00 per month rent on my own or moving out myself. Fucking priceless.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I moved in together and we've never been happier. Bruce and Dick occasionally send me text messages inviting me to their new place, conveniently forgetting the six months of hell they put me through.

Both literally and figuratively... happy baby orangutan.

(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 20:54, archived)

what happened

about your rat?

(the darkness sparkles, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 22:00, archived)

The rat?

He's fine. They fed him, and they never got another chance to do him harm. He's upstairs now having a kip.

Bruce and Dick atually had a hamster. I should have called the RSPCA after I saw the way Bruce treated that poor little bugger. He used to fly him around the room (the way a six-year-old would fly an action figure, if you follow) and lob him around. Accourding to Bruce, the hamster enjoyed this. Amusingly, he kpet breaking out of his cage and making a run for the front door. Sadly they kept finding him and locking him up again. How demoralising.

On one occasion Bruce dangled the hamster over his coffee cup, gentle taunting "Ooh, I'm going to drop you, I'm going to drop you..." The next thing I hear is the campset shriek I've ever heard, followed by sobbing.

Yep. He dropped the hamster.

Luckily he was fine, and managed to successfully escape a few months later. Bruce was inconsolable. I was pissing myself laughing.

(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 22:19, archived)

poor thing...

i feel for you my friend..pretty much same experience 2years ago. I would just like to add 'never, ever, ever, share a house with two fat sisters of eastern european descent.Ever.'

(nil points, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 13:42, archived)

The stench! The STENCH!

In my current flat the Chinese couple upstairs are pleasant, courteous & tidy but our shared fridge is not for the faint-hearted.
They seem particularly fond of snails and what look like baby squid, it's like staring into the very bowels of Cthulu in there!
And when they cook, Sweet Jesus! The stench is just awful and all-pervading! GAH! I just have to go down the pub!
There is a dark-side to Chinese cookery that you'll not find in any restaurant or take-away.

(Beanster, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 20:57, archived)

my last

flat was a purpose built holiday flat originally, so there was no soundproofing whatsoever.

I had a totally fucking insane welsh neighbour downstairs who, even if I just cleared my throat, would be banging on my door. Seriously.

He was out one day, so I was listenting to music quite loudly while I had the chance. I turned it down usually when he got home, but I didn't notice him get back. Suddenly, I hear Led Zepplin and ridiculous noise levels. He'd decided to play his stereo as loud as it would go. My pictures were shaking on the walls, it was incredible. Suddenly plant and page got a bit gurgly and distorted as teh zeppelin blew up his speakers. He must have heard me laughing at that...

One stormy night, about 2am, he decided I was snoring too loudly or something. This was in january, and it was blowing a gale outside. I'm on the second floor, and the top of a christmas tree suddenly appeared outside my window, swinging against the pane. WTF? I think? Mad welsh bloke is outside in his pants, in the rain, banging his the top of his just discarded christmas tree against my window. I took a photo of him, and he ran off when he saw the flash. Again he must have heard me laughing, but annoyingly the photo just showed hte flash bouncing off the window.

My 60 year old dad actually got into a full on fight with him. And won. My dad used to be a prison officer on the riot squad, and could (and still can) take on the most psychotic lunatic. An overweight welshman was a little subdued after that, but he still threatened to drive his mitsubishi pajero through my front door if I didn't be quiet. Kind of fitting Pajero means 'happy baby orangutan' in spanish, though he didn't seem to believe me when I pointed that out to him when he bought it.

Bastard, that's over a year ago now and I live somewhere else and I still wince if I drop something on the floor. cranberry cock he was.

edit - Pajero doesn't really mean 'happy baby orangutan', thats the filter (duh), but it would be even funnier if it did.

(inflateable, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 21:38, archived)

Wow!

I've finally found out that happy baby orangutang means W.A.N.K.E.R. I've trying to work that one out for days!!!

(coweringinthecorner, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 0:28, archived)

Dodgy Landlords

Actually, my last one sounds like a mere quibble compared to everyone elses entries. I DO have loads of ex-housemate tales, but then I was living in a watermeloning squat full of fluffy heads at the time so I don't s'pose they count. Once had a landlord who used to burst into my room at about 2.30am (after he'd been to the pub) and sit on my chair & skin up, normally whilst me & my girlfriend were shagging. Then remember nothing about it in the morning. Soon put paid to that with a cheap bolt on the inside of the door.

(Beanster, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 23:59, archived)

Gollum

OK, while my tale of personal hell has nothing on some of the other posts, my current flatmate (who we will call Gollum) has an extremely unpleasent habbit of clearing his throat and spitting whenever he goes to the loo... alas, it's not just a *cough* type throat clear. Every time I hear the bog flush, it's immediately followed by HKWAAACGK pukey plhegm sound. Every fucking time! You can hear it anywhere in the house, even over the TV... unfortunately, whenever anyone flushes the loo, I can't help but cringe. He's also not too bright, like the time he left all the kitchen windows open and the lights on at the height of bug & moth season... when I came back from work and pointed out the five hundred or so bugs on the ceiling and walls, he just said "cor. I didn't see those ones" and went to bed... but not before squashing a few of them against the wall. Took me over an hour to get all the little buggers out of the house. Grr cranberry!
aah.. I feel much better for getting that off my chest... HKWAAACGK

(byakhee, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 21:15, archived)

last year I was in halls

living with 34 other girls. We only had one (very small) kitchen between us, so a fair bit of food/plate/cutlery theft went on.

That wasnt the worst of it.

By the end of the year I (and several others) had almost gone insane from the evil psychological warfare that was going on.

there was one particular group of people responsible for a lot of it. But they are evil, and I don't like to think about them too much. It makes me angry. very angry...

One day the worst evil bitch of them went to the kitchen to microwave a curry or something. She was stupid enough to leave the tap on in her sink. And 10 minutes later her whole room was flooded. Took about a week for it to dry out completely! silly cow

moral of the story?

NEVER live with 34 other girls. ever.

(the darkness sparkles, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 21:55, archived)

Unless...

...of course, you are a man.

(Louis Cowan, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 12:10, archived)

I was once a fool

Once upon a time I was living in a house full of fresh faced young adults like myself and one day the face of an angel moved in. He was all dreadlocked and had the gorgeousest body...whatever. Anyway, we got it on and just as we were to sleep together for the first time he told me he was, in fact, asexual.

Bollocks.

(hello to japan!, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 22:00, archived)

Actually...

...I was probably one of the reasons there was always an open spot in our house.

Me and the guys would always play pranks on the newbies to test them. It was called the "I Love Love You Test" (dunno why). One time this studious shy-girl with ginger hair moved in and we ran in her room at 4am with a stereo playing some hardcore trance, I whacked her a few times with my skateboard (I was a sk8a grl or whatever back then) and screamed "LUCY (not her actual name) IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL!"
She shrieked the fucking house down and pelted from the room while Spike chased after her screaming I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!! 'Twas much fun. She ran from the house and never came back even for her stuff.

Nobody every passed the "I Love Love You Test".

PS: Your all gay.

(hello to japan!, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 22:10, archived)

Uraguay

Heh, heh, heh!

(Beanster, Thu 20 Nov 2003, 23:45, archived)

that's

really, really harsh
that poor girl, you bad person

(pomegranate, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 2:04, archived)

Wow, that sounds really 'funny' - you bonkers person, you. Did you do that before or after your medication?

(Strontium Dog, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:02, archived)

Do you glow red when burnt?

(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:30, archived)

I do! How did you gue...waaaait....I see what you're trying to do there...nice try.

(Strontium Dog, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 12:24, archived)

Hahahah!

That'sbrilliant! Anyone who fails the test is obviously unworthy of the place.

(

Whillow, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:33, archived)

university...

...aah, that blessed time when you don't have parents and your roomies become your allies. We rarely left the house apart from to go to classes and as such here's a list of damages to the house -

1. I carved the words "JAMES IS A TOSSER" into his bedroom wall in about 1-foot-high letters.
2. The various chips in the walls and floors from skateboard fights (often ending in broken bones)
3. A large dent in the floor from "skateboxing" (we put a long Xmas tree box across two skateboards and rode in it down the stairs).
4. A hole in the wall.
5. water damage to everything from various waterfights

It's probably a dilapidated old shithole now. Thank god i dont live there anymore.

(hello to japan!, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 16:34, archived)

hehe...Class!

But how do you pass?

(

Fronkle99, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 17:56, archived)

You think that's bad!

When my wife and I (then girlfriend) moved into a flat in Hounslow in the late 80s, we decided to find a flatmate as we were fairly poor.

When she first moved in we thought she was OK, but very soon her bad habits made themselves known. These included: keeping us awake at night as she would often wake up at all hours and make a lot of noise; sleeping in during the day; never helping to clear up; never cleaning her room; never cleaning her clothes; I never saw her eat anything that wasn't out of a bottle; she used to pooh in her pants and sit in it; often she would start crying and not stop until we went to see what the matter was...

...you'd think we'd get rid of her pretty quickly eh? Well, 16 years later she's still living with us and now she demands money with menaces and expects me to pick her up from her friends at midnight. She still won't clean her room or clothes and often shouts at us for no reason.

Ladies...Gentlemen...I rest my case!!

(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 8:34, archived)

damnit

i was going to do that, but about our cat, called Kylie. shoulda been quicker!!!

(Rondette, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 8:41, archived)

what's scary is that

some of the stuff above is so bad that i was quite prepared to believe that yours was a real adult flatmate....

(coldjam, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 9:30, archived)

yeh

you got me too.

(nesco, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:20, archived)

But...

I kinda think the fault there has to rest with you and your missus..

(Felchman, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 19:22, archived)

i think i was a pretty shite flatmate...

...during my freshers week i came home arseholed, and promptly fell asleep, only to wake an hour later needing a slash.

i couldnt find the door

i didnt want to piss in the sink

i couldnt open the window to piss out of it

so i pissed in my german army boot (fashionable back in 1993).

it was only the next day when i woke up and saw the cracked window frame, and the piss that had leaked out of my boot all over the papers on the desk that i realised just what id done. however, it was my roomates face, looking over the covers from his bed not five feet from my own bed that really brought it home. it was his desk, and his boot.

we started speaking again after about a month, but by this stage he was secretly stealing girls undies from the laundry and wanking loudly over them in the early hours. he was also a nazi watermelon and vocal about it, so we had the anti nazi league kicking our door in regularly. he left to join the army. best place for him.

(big fat lazy man on a sofa is giving his piles a bloody good clawing, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:45, archived)

Oooh, oooh, oooh

OT but a friend of mine once came home really, really pissed and crashed out only to realise she really, really needed to throw up. Couldn't be bothered crawling to the bathroom, so she threw up in her handbag.

Woke up in the morning thinking "Oh Jesus, what have I done?", gingerly opens her handbag, peers inside and is confronted with... the contents of her handbag. And no vomit.

The younger sister with whom she shared her bedroom, meanwhile, has arrived at school, opened her schoolbag, and been confronted with the congealed semi-fermented contents of her sister's stomach.

(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Fri 21 Nov 2003, 12:05, archived)

thats

rough

(

Lisette von Falcon, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 13:49, archived)

Sheep rooting lesbians

Try this ... I started shagging my supposedly lesbian scottish flatmate. Things degenerated from there as she became a the crazy manic obsessive possesive bitch from hell.

After throwing my entire uni years (and plenty of love juice) on her, I announced I was buggering off on a big long voyage, never to return again. At this point she tried to convince me that I should stay with her by smashing/slashing/burning every item in my possesion.

Three months into my travels, i was unwinding in front of a spectacluar sunset on a beach in Ghana with a suitably spectacular spliff the size of texas when two hands slip around my eyes from behind accompanied by a very familiar voice saying 'guess who?'. From paradise to hell in an instant.

To cut a long story short, many months went by, every african post office i went to held wads of letters for me containing page after page of psycho-babble which i duly discarded. Eventually I ended up in a small town in New Zealand feeling removed, cut-off and safe from intrusion by mad scottish lesbians. Not so, a friend of mine passed my address on and sure enough she turned up on my doorstep one year to the day after the Ghana episode expecting me to welcome her with open arms.

What has all this to do with flatmates from hell? I'm getting there. I let her sleep on the couch with the aggreement that it was for a week only and that she should bugger off and never occupy the same local space as me in this life or the next. Three months later, she's shagging my previously heterosexual fine beer-drinking man-shagging female flatmate... and she didn't even invite me.

I return from work one day to find my belongings on the front lawn.

Leave town, leave the country, leave no forwarding address.

She surely has to go down as THE flatmate from hell.

To use a local expression: ya bloody sheep-rootin' lesbians

(boy with balls on chin just quit his job and is about to feck off travelling for 18 months, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 11:48, archived)

cake decorating

Quite a hard act to follow that one.
I went to Uni with this bloke who one day went to cook a 'cake-in-a-tin'. He put it on the hob in the pan with the required water. Several hours later (we were all tucked up in bed) there was an almighty explosion from the kitchen. My mate went into the kitchen to find all the walls and the ceiling covered in Chocolate cake. A hole in the ceiling were the can had hit, dents in the cooker from the explosion and a knackered saucepan on the floor. We all found this very amusing.
Now the obvious thing to do would have been to clean it up before it dried and became impossible to shift. Didn't happen. Several weeks later a very irrate caretaker finally caught up with my mate, the kitchen had to be repainted.

(coz, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 12:43, archived)

Wow, where to begin?!

Bad Housemates - I've had a few...

Number 1 - shared accomodation the first year...15 people in a big house. One of them happened to be a paranoid schitzophrenic

He thought we were communicating with him through secret messages on the doors - to the point that he nearly beat someone up over it. He used to beg and grovel for weed (which he smoked 24/7) if u had any - and then come and steal it anyway. He used to go outside at 3am and kick bins and concrete bollards around while muttering loudly.

He used to threaten everyone - until he picked on the wrong person and i came back to find him cowering in the corner surrounded by about 8 pissed off rugby players!

The last straw came when he punched one of my housmates in the face and then jumped on a table howling. he then threatened to have one of the girls raped, scratched someones car with his keys and dissapeared into the night...got a few mystery phone calls from him - but seeing as i only know one person with a strong brum accent its not so mysterious really.

House Number 2

Moved in with my best freinds...
1 - boy went completely off the rails - doing loads of ket and coke - started sleeping with the dealer before landing himself in lots of debt. we had people knocking on the door screaming WHERE's XXXX I'LL RIP HIS FUC*ING FACE OFF!!!

2. My best freind and his freind ... lovely people initially - but they were toffs and needed a mother too look after them - if i didnt clean then the kitchen would look like withnails, the living room would have rubbish piled up to ur knees and the bathroom would smell of piss and shit...they also developed a bit of a coke addiction and become the most unpleasant arrogant cranberry ive ever met.

3. my (soon to be) ex. turned out she was a total junkie - constantly boshing pills, speed and ket - on a permenant comedown - also had the heater on 24/7 so she left us with an gas bill of over £1000 for the year before she finally ran out and didnt pay anything.
She slept with the gas man - and anyone else who was stupid enough to put it in her...she left a bloody tampon on the floor, her cd player was broken and would loudly loop 20 seconds of one particular song for days at a time. She invited smackheads round to the flat - including one that decided that they were going to move in for a few days - and so nicked our backdoor key. Her freinds also spat on me and nicked food.

Worst of all...after sleeping with the whole of the city and managing to catch herpes - she told me that I'd given it to her - which lead to 2 years of HELL - Until I was finally told by a number of doctors that I was totally clean!

I now live with some delightful chinese housemates who appologise if they don't have a DVD that i want to borrow...much better - but the grey hairs aren't going to dissapear from those 2 years...

(Frozenpeas42, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 14:07, archived)

whippet hatch

I have a lovely flatmate known as the whippet. He is normally well behaved but occasionally he is not.

I went out one night and was returning home at about 4am when I got a phone call from flatmate #2 “why don’t we have a front door, what the watermelon have you done to the front door?”.

Odd.

Got home to find a very angry and very drunk flatmate #2 sitting next to the front door, with its newly created ‘whippet flap’. The whippet was comatose on the couch. Turns out the whippet had gone out, got hammered, come home, decided that using his keys was far too conventional and kicked a nice little whippet sized hole in the front door. Flatmate #2 was none too pleased with this and stormed round the flat threatening to kill the whippet. Eventually the whippet awoke and stood by the front door giggling his tits off (mushys), then said in a very sober tone "shit, doors are expensive aren't they".

Not exactly a hellish experience, but quite a surreal one at the time. We have recently had a new front door fitted (4 months later), the first thing the whippet did when he saw it was give it a few kicks and complain that it was too flimsy.

(moo_girl, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 13:04, archived)

scarred for life

last night I was washing my face, and through the splashes heard my roommate calling me from her bathroom. "Uh, just so you know I'm naked" she said. okay, then. I walk slowly in and she asks me a horrible question. "have you ever had any problems, you know, down there?" I tried to keep my jaw from dropping. No and if I did I wouldn't tell you, well thats what I wanted to say, but I decided a simple "no" would be better. To make a long story short she had a bump on her stuff and thought it was an STD. Sooooo, I had to, of course while she sat in the bathroom, look up the symptoms of herpes to see if she had it. Then try to diagnose it, then she decided it didn't look like herpes. So, she couldn't really see the "bump" and i had to...*gasp* look at her stuff to see what I thought it was. eww.
I may be scarred for life.

(

Lisette von Falcon, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 13:44, archived)

Grey Hair.

(Frozenpeas42, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 14:10, archived)

your friends seem to do a lot of drugs

(greggo, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 14:57, archived)

freinds

they're not my freinds anymore...

(Frozenpeas42, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 15:43, archived)

friends

Your new friends sound quite nice though.

(

Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 16:15, archived)

Not terrible, just pretty funny

Last Hallowe'en (bear in mind, this is about a month after the start of the academic year when we'd moved into flats - a good time to offend your new flatmates), one of my friends was asked by her flatmate "Could I borrow one of your tops?"
As she is the nicest girl in the world, she light-heartedly answered "Sure... is it for a Hallowe'en party?"
Flatmate replied: "Yes. I'm going to dress up as a whore!"

(pinky shminky, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 15:07, archived)

oooh! ow!

I would have decked her for that one.

(peachy, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 15:39, archived)

New housemate

-Went out for a few beers to get to know him better. I wasnt that pissed and didnt think he was either when we got back.
Woke up at about 4 in the morning with him next to me in my bed, told him to promptly watermelon off- he tried to put on my clothes and then couldn't work the door handle. I moved over to open the door for him and found myslef sitting in a puddle of piss he had left in my bed.

Next morning he told me he had a bad sleepwalking/pissing habit. No shit and thanks very much

(

Badger_Phenomenon, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 16:41, archived)

chap at UNI

... was a rather large gentleman of the spotty variety who didn't get much action with "the ladies".

for his birthday, his flatmates bought him one of those vibrating devices into which one would expect a male member of the species to hide his tumescence. whilst "playing with it" before they gave it to him on his birthday, they noticed that, when turned on, it interfered with the radio.

well, you can guess the rest, can't you? having bought the present as a joke, it rather backfired on them when they couldn't listen to the radio for more than five minutes at a time.

(nash0819, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 17:29, archived)

Ben Stiller Directed....

..Reality Bites, which I was forced to watch whenever my flatmate brought a girl home and wanted to try and impress her. Lost count at 17 times. Tame by comparison I know. I just hate that fucking film.

(mcnelson, Fri 21 Nov 2003, 19:44, archived)

gerry

I had a flat mate while up in uni at stafford...we called him gerry after the famous IRA front man..as he had a stupid beard, the kid you get from neve shaving as a boy.he was late 20's and never left his room, apart from he would go to the shops armed with a suitcase, and come back with it full of beans and weetabix, as that was all he lived on.he smelled funny and spent his whole time on the computer doing low level programming. One way, with my friends i bought up the idea of killing him off so as to get his room , joking obviously. he dissapeared for two weeks, and i was worried my slighty unstable friend had actually done it. It turned out it had a mental breeakdown due to all the grief we gave him (setting fire to his door, music at moderate volumes etc.)..he's either earning a fortune, or hes living with his mum now....

(bluboy, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 1:20, archived)

I bet he's

Living with his MUM

(codename Gaz, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 15:28, archived)

Uni Flatmate's of PURE EVIL

1st Year at Uni

I lived with a Jesus Freak. I didn’t have a problem with his beliefs, just the Bible Reading Meetings and Hymn Singing Sessions he would have every Saturday and Sunday morning in our Kitchen at about 8am. I was a typical boozing student, so I would have a raging hangover. I took to wandering into the kitchen wearing Cradle of Filth T-t-shirts and playing Slayer till he got the message

2nd Year

The Mental Bitch. Played Drum’n’Bass at top volume at 3am, and cunningly placed her speakers on the floor so the room below (ie ME) got the full joy of bass when I was trying to sleep.

When she wasn’t having noisy sex with her b/f she was arguing with him, and every time he stormed out she would knock the bin over, spilling manky food all over the floor. She would refuse to clean it up because it “reminded her of him”. She also NEVER paid the rent on time, and refused to pay her share of the bill until she had a photocopy of it “for her records”. She was convinced I was trying to swindle her.

3rd Year

The Clean Freak. Thomas cuts up the packaging from bread to use as makeshift gloves to pick up pasta from the plughole in the sink – he is terrified of germs. He has a pathological fear of insects, so much so he scalded my legs with boiling water after knocking a pan off the stove to avoid one.

He has psycho mentalist tendencies, including smashing a cupboard that belonged to our landlord up with a hammer after he failed to put together a piece of IKEA crap.

He has 4 showers PER DAY. He has rotted the carpet in the bathroom as he refuses to use the bathmat when getting out of the shower.

He has every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer on video and watches them constantly. He is too embarrassed to buy porn so steals ours. He reads the Daily Mail. The only CD he ever listens to is The Beach Boys.

He washes his clothes EVERY DAY and overloads the washing machine so it shakes the entire house. He often does this at midnight.

He is obsessed with lesbians. The very mention of the word makes him run upstairs to his room to masturbate.

He only cooks fish – and somehow manages to make it stink out the entire house.

Why am I still living with this fool?

(Endjinn, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 16:20, archived)

wow,

I want one

(away_with_the_fairies, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 19:22, archived)

House of horror

I'm now in the second year of uni, living out in a nice house with 2 other blokes. They're quite pleasant, one never throws anything away, so the kitchen is currently full of yoghurt pots and soup cans from his meals over the past few days. We also suspect he waxes some part of his anatomy, as we found Veet ready-to-use wax strips in the bathroom. He also has poor aim round the loo. All this is practically heaven compared to my first year...
In my university, the halls in my college were organised into houses of 10 people, all sharing kitchen etc. Of these, 5 of us were normal.

1. Psycho girl
One girl broke up with her boyfriend from the first term at Christmas. It all seemed amicable, they'd just decided they didn't want to stay together. She seemed to have some problems letting go though.
He kept coming round the house post break-up, having made friends with other peole in the house. She began to flip out every time she saw him in the house. She would shout and throw stuff (biscuits, glasses, wet floor signs, carpet sweepers) at him, and slam doors. A lot. She then began to accuse another girl in the house (with a long-term boyfriend elsewhere) of 'stealing' her ex from her, and accusing them of doing all manner of things. Every time she walked into a room where either one of them was, or they walked into a room where she was she'd rush out, slamming every one of the fire doors between the kitchen and her bedroom, shouting and screaming as she went. It also transpired that there hadn't been a clean break after Christmas, and they'd hopped into bed together a couple of times. Now the psycho was pregnant with her ex's kid, leading to the hurling of abuse and objects. She decided to go for an abortion, further damaging her already fragile emotional state. She eventually moved out during the 3rd term, after making our lives hell for most of the second term.
Oh, and she didn't do her washing up, causing it to go mouldy, as we wouldn't touch it.

2. Scary man
We noticed the scary tall guy was doing a lot of washing his hands. With washing up liquid. for 10 minutes at a time, in boiling hot water. The longest someone saw him washing his hands for was about 40 minutes. He also had showers for about 30 minutes every day, although I think he did go over an hour once.
We figured out in the end that he had a fear of door handles, and wouldn't touch them. If he had to go through a door where he had to pull the handle, and couldn't follow someone else, he'd cover his hand using the long ragged sleeves of the denim shirt he always wore in order to touch the handle. If he did touch the handle, the handwashing ritual would recommence.
He's shed his long wiry hairs all over the house, and then get into everything. Mostly the shower, but they were also to be found in the kitchen, and anywhere else you'd rather not see someone else's hair.
One day, he flooded the shower, causing it to rain in the hall below the shower, claiming he'd had no idea the water was flowing out under the door, because "he didn't have his contacts in"
As the capet dried out, it stank of fish, probabaly from the glue holding it down, and from that point on, it stank evry time it got hot.
His most scary action was to develop an obsession with another of the girls in the house, also with a long-term boyfriend elsewhere. Everywhere she went, he'd follow, whether he needed to go there or not. She just thought he was being friendly, and they did get on well. Listen to one of their hour-long conversations though, and you'd notice she was doing all the talking, with him just sitting there agreeing with evrything she said, evn when he had no knowledge of the subject whatsoever.
Eventually, he told her he thought the two of them would make a better couple than her and her current boyfriend, so she should break up with him. She disagreed, and was thoroughly creeped out by the whole thing. Despite the brush-off, he told her he "hoped she'd change her mind". He kept following her to the library etc., ostensibly as they're on the same course, to get stuff for the coursework they were both working on. Then a term later, he told her he still felt for her, she told him she didn't feel the same way at all. Now he blanks her whenever they meet, and claims it's her problem not his.
He was also nocturnal, and would go out on mysterious wanderings after dark, nevr telling us where he was going. Questioned repeatedly, he'd never reveal where he was going, despite asking us all constantly what we were up to.
He also didn'y do washing up for extended periods of time.

3. Greek guy
We didn't know the second-year greek guy that well, but he would always have loud conversations with his greek friends who were always in his room, and play loud crap greek music. One of the girls in the house once walked past his room when the door was closing from someone just walking in, and saw two topless women on the bed, and two men who weren't the greek guy in the greek guy's room. We reckon they were having an orgy. In a similar vein, the greek guy and his girlfriend had sex in the communal shower for over 40 minutes one morning. They also had sex at 3.20am, in the room directly above mine when I was trying to get to sleep. The thought of people having sex directly above my head (all the rooms have the same layout, so his bed was directly above mine), so I went and logged onto b3ta.

4. Quiet girl
She never spoke to us, and lived entirely off food in sachets. She'd make up the packets on the hob, then as soon as they were done, rush upstairs with the saucepan to eat it in her room. Very odd.

5. Messy girl
She was Quiet girl's friend, and together they got up to all kinds of stuff. The tampon soaked in Ribena and left in a sink was nice, as was the fake vomit thrown out of a window.
She really excelled herself when she was rejected in a club by a bloke, she decided she'd decorate the kitchen, with fairy liquid, tomato ketchup and BBQ sauce. BBQ sauce up the walls and on the ceilings, in the freezer and in one of the drawers. Vinegar in the cutlery drawer. Chess pieces thrown around the room, and put in people's food. I still have the note from our cleaner "please clean worktops, floor, walls and ceiling"
And the perpetrators of this mess did nothing to help with the clean-up operation afterwards.
Particularly unpleasant was the addition of Flash surface cleaner with bleach to my milk in the fridge. Thankfully for me, psycho girl, who was present, thought it would be a good idea to ditch this milk before it killed me in the morning when I put it on on my Frosties. Lucky.

Well, that was fun.
Glad I don't live there anymore.

(kryptik, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 19:28, archived)

aah,

memories.

(spoonfeedme, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 21:18, archived)

Flsah bleach? you were lucky..

I lived with a manager of a mcdonalds who could voluntarily cause his nose to bleed. Which he did over all items of food of his in the fridge. Cos we liked using his milk etc. Sadly this did not put me off trying some nice looking muffins of his that he had "accidently" left out the previous evening. luckily another flatmate had bitten lustily into hers muffin b4 me. You dont offtn expect to find curry/chilli/tea-bag filling inside a blueberry muffin.

(spacemonkee77, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 0:57, archived)

oooh

evil!
However I think a curry/chilli/teabag filling in a muffin is less likely to kill you than bleach in your milk.

(kryptik, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 3:41, archived)

The Villain

His name was william. He ate toilet paper. lots of it.

(bluerabie, Sat 22 Nov 2003, 21:19, archived)

My House

I studied in Bristol for 3 years, and I used to help out my landlord with bits and bobs around the house - putting carpets down etc., and eventually he stopped charging me rent, which was nice.

So I've been living here a few years past the end of my degree.

I've seen some pretty mad stuff in the 6 years I have been in the house - ceiling collapses, live elctric wires bursting through thin polyfillered walls, drunk people hanging off the 4rd story roof, a hidden room full of 50s porn mags and cine reels, mice infestations, and a ton more that I have forgotten about.

The darkest thing that happened was in my first year. There was a student that lived in the room above mine who was always really preoccupied with the phone being free. If ever you were on it - he would always come into the phone while you were chatting to someone, asking "how long are you going to be?".

It wasn't so annoying, as he was a bit of a laugh, but towards the christmas at the end of my first term, we were getting alot of phone calls for him from his mates, saying they were really worried about him and they didn't know where he was, but we hadn't seen him for a few weeks. Now - our house always stank, but a new putrid and eggy smell had pervaded the flat and I simply attributed it to the old sofa someone had stuck in the hall, though it came from around his door, which puzzled me.

One phonecall I took from one of his mates made me realise with horrifying clarity what was going on - he said he wasn't in touch with either of his parents back home, and he never went there, and I began to panic a bit - I put all the pieces together, checked his electricity meter and saw it had run into emergency credits about 2 weeks previously. That, all the phone calls, the smell from under his door, and I realised he was probably dead.

I rang the Landlord and he came down to the house (took about an hour the old teabag) and opened the door to his room. Sure enough, he was dead on the bed with lots of blood on the wall next to him. An hour later, we were all in shock and were standing stunned in the hall watching police, coroners, paramedics and allsorts of folk going back and forth. One of our flatmates had commited suicide.

This went on for a few hours, and we had all provided statements to the police when they brought the body out and down the stairs to the hall where we were. The landlord, fag in hand casually watched his ex-tenant carried out on a stretcher under his nose whilst all stared somberly, some were crying (girls). As the stretcher went past him, he cooly proclaimed, "Ashes to ashes.... dust to dust" and the tension broke and we all burst out laughing. Even the police were laughing.

A day or two later, after the Blakelock had established it wasn't murder, I was charged with cleaning the room with the guy who did most of the building repairs to the house (imagine Sid James and you are halfway there), We bagged the mattress which was now 3 weeks drenched in blood (he had haemmorhaged quite badly) and stuffed it in a large plastic semi-opaque mattress cover, the kind you get when you buy a new mattress, and threw it temporarily in the front garden.

When we came back out to dispose of it, it had gone - and we looked down the road, and 4 students were running off with it. I ran after them shouting "Oi, wait, come back!!" and obviously they thought I was going mental because they were stealing a brand new mattress, which it wasn't.

Lord knows how long it took them to realise it wasn't new - maybe they got it back to their house and pulled it open. I doubt it though - it was such a terrible smell.

Me and the builder had a good laugh at that.

Needless to say we had the last laugh.

(bob T builder, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 13:57, archived)

Cran-Tastic!!!

That is by far the leading story! No one elses flatmate from hell actually dies in these stories...do they???

(Rockster77, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 14:32, archived)

Funny you should ask that....

About 8 years ago I was working for a national UK charity who dealt primarily with the care and rehabilitation of offenders (You work it out...!), although we also did an awful lot of work with the unemployed and people deemed to be 'special needs'...having read all this thread, I'm sure most of you will be familiar with at least one of the above....

Amongst the projects we ran in our area, was a housing scheme. One of these houses at the time had three guys living in it, who, for the sake of argument, we'll call A, B and C. Both A and B had been in prison for a short while for minor offences, while C came under the 'special needs' umbrella...

We employed various people to run this project, one of whom, Jack was a general co-ordinator, and another, Alf was a qualified joiner, builder, and basically a jack-of-all-trades. Two nicer blokes, you couldn't hope to meet.

Anyway, getting to the point....one day we got a call saying that nobody had seen A, B or C for a week or two, and there seemed to be a funny smell coming from the house. So, off trot Jack and Alf to check things out. They get to the house, and to all intents and purposes it seems that everyone has done a runner (with most of the fixtures and fittings too, which wasn't unusual - some people have some VERY strange habits to fund...), but they just can't seem to track down the source of the smell....

About a week later, we get another call from one of the neighbours, again complaining about the smell. Once again, Jack and Alf are despatched to investigate. This time however, they manage to pinpoint the source of the smell...a feat made easier by the number of flies emanating from a footwell in the hallway providing access under the floors for electrical work etc.

Upon removing the cover of this footwell, they can see a black bin liner about 2 or 3 feet below the floorboards. As they can't quite reach this with their arms, they have a look around and manage to locate an old walking stick with which to have a 'bit of a prod'. Upon doing this, an even greater number of flies appear, and it was at this point that the contents of the aforementioned bin liner reveal themselves to be the body of C....

It transpires that after some argument with A and B, he had been beaten to death by at least one of them. Obviously, they were both aware of what had happened as they both did a runner fairly pronto. The police picked both of them up in a relatively short space of time, and I know one of them is currently serving life at Her Majesty's pleasure, but I'm not sure whether the other one was convicted or not, as the last thing I heard, he'd been remanded for psychiatric reports....

Aside from the obvious, the other really sad outcome of this whole sorry tale was the effect that the discovery had on the guys who found his body, particulary Alf, who was still off with post-traumatic stress when I left months later.

I appreciate that this isn't strictly MY housemate from hell experience, and to be honest, most of mine pale into insignificance when measured against some of the others here, but maybe it will serve as a reminder to anyone who's thinking of nicking someone else's milk from the fridge......

(Desolation Angel, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 17:41, archived)

Sounds like another thread

Could be started here.......
and anyway whats Rick Astley doing on dream Team

(codename Gaz, Sun 23 Nov 2003, 20:56, archived)

Worst. Housemates. Ever.

I lived in a large house with two fairly successful drug dealers. After a few months, whenever you'd pick up the phone and dial a number, you'd hear a faint click. A few months later, I came home to find about six squad cars in front of the house, a few unmarked cars, a house-full of police, and both my housemates handcuffed and sitting on the couch. Furthermore, there were three detectives counting the largest stack of money I have ever seen on the kitchen counter. It would probably fill three large paper grocery bags. I wasn't involved in it, so I was let go after about ten minutes, but I moved shortly after. But the nice detectives did give me back my bong and jar o' weed, surprisingly.

(mazo, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 0:17, archived)

Stupid people.....

....tend to be the hardest to live with.
My last housemate was/is one such person, especially when cooking was concerned.
I remember one time he took a Cornish pasty straight from the freezer and stuck it under the grill at maximum temperature. Then he wondered why it ended up black on the outside still frozen in the middle.
He decided chips would be the ideal accompaniment to his Cornish pasty, but he only had oven chips, and because he ws using the grill to char his pasty, he couldn't use the oven at the same time.
So he decided to SHALLOW FRY his oven chips.
He succeeded in setting the pan on fire and burning a hole through a tea towel because he wasn't aware that he had to turn the stove off and soak the towel before throwing it over the burning pan. Public Information notices just weren't on his viewing agenda.
Absolute Joe.

(Sharp_Kid, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 9:31, archived)

My girlfriend recently dumped me

For a guy i live with. I now have to endure her coming round at weekends to stay with him.
Makes me wanna puke.

(Conrad_Gonad, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 10:16, archived)

poor guy

awwww

(

uberphil, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 11:15, archived)

Bad bad guy

Last year:

Uni 1st year accomodation!In my uni block last year there was:

- Fat "stuck in his ways" Yorkshire bloke
- Stupid "stuck in his ways" Yorkshire bloke who also got imetigo (the skin infection) and refused to go to the doctor.
- The Secret Lezzer - never came out of her, saw her about once every 2 weeks, would always have minging girls come nock on her door, and she was a grade A munt.
- Big Beefy Womans Rights Girl - Everything I did was wrong because I was male, when trying to help her with her computer or whatever, the thing is she looked just as manly as me. Cow.
- Nympho Blonde Girl - Over active, over annoying, shagged around, probabbly got a few STDs, would always interrupt people in coversations.
- A few "boys".. get pissed - act like children, try and hit people.

- But the rest where allright but they kinda ganged up on me and my friend in the block, just the two of us, probabbly jealous of her, or soemthing.

This year, moved in with above girl and others:

My current house mate really does my head in. I can't watch anything on TV without him asking "whats that" and "why", constantly all the way through it, also converstation with other housemates he say to ask "what you talking about", very annoying. He also has an extreemly argumentitve manner and wants to "debate" all the time....

I also own the phone line to the house, he nicely rang an premium-rate number "because i got a text message saying i won money"... £6 for 4 mins. And when i questioned him about it he tried to shift the blame on me, saying "if i knew you where going to get pissed off i wouldnt of rang it"! Nob.

So whats next, well not letting the thermostat go beyond 22 (even though we live in an old house that needs to be over heated), with his some how constant way of "knowing" whats going on, and heading downstairs to use his little crooked hands to turn it down. Bastard, i'm cold right now.

When it comes to him getting drunk, expect not to be able to leave the room hour whilst he babbels on, or if you go to a club with him he'll annoy you all night by poking you and groping you if you are a girl and generally acting like a 8 year old and stealing my ciggaretts (and he doesnt smoke). Then when he gets home he's usually sick in his own bed, hmm vomit on the face.

Lots of little things I guess, but actually living here is a bit of a nightmare, no one goes in the front room for being scared of getting an interregation.

(

uberphil, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 11:24, archived)

Brilliant stories, but...

I have lived with many total mentalists, one guy was from Scotland and used to drink quite a bit more than he could handle. Then, in the middle of the night when he felt the urge to vomit copiously, as he inevitably did, instead of going to the toilet next door, he would puke down the back of his bed. And leave it there. Two or three times a week. For 11 months. When he moved out we had to use a scraper to remove the curtain from where it had grown onto the window, our landlord said the bed was actually stuck in place and had to be forcibly removed, then burned. Along with carpets matress etc.
He also came home at night and put food in the oven then passed out pissed. We woke up one night with the house filled with smoke and alarms going off. I thought shit the house is burning but i ran downstairs to the kitchen. Flatmate was lying on kitchen floor unconscious in vast pool of urine with smoke billowing from oven door. I open door and inrush of air causes gout of flame to engulf me, singeing me considerably. I fell back, slipped in his wee and sat down on his arm. Which broke. He didn't wake up though and thought he had fallen while walking home. we also started the old 'hand in pot of warm water while sleeping' trick when he was drunk on the sofa btw it really does work! he actually went to the doctor complaining of incontinence. brilliant.

(meatatarian!, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 12:49, archived)

Cocktail, drink-driving, piddled pants, escaped loony story

Well, not really a flatmate but a mate who let me stay at his flat for the first (and probably last) time. The story was this.... me and 2 mates had been on a weekday night out in Newcastle and rather overdone things. Going to a cocktail bar and trying all the cocktails on the list was probably not the best idea in retrospect. Anyway, was so trolleyed that I had to be carried into and dumped on the back seat of a mate's car who then drove myself and other mate home. I was far too well gone to notice that mate no.1, who was driving the car, was also completely pissed - a consequence of which was several near misses with over vehicles, lampposts and other obstacles on the 20 mile journey home. I was too well gone to actually get home so mate no.2 let me and mate1 stay at his place. They bundled me into bed and the next thing I remember is that's it's the early hours and my mate is shouting to me, "Wake up, you dirty bastard, you've wet the bed". Unfortunately I had indeed soaked the bed, with him in it. To make matters worse mate2 (whose flat it was) then found mate1 having a piddle on the kitchen floor. Needless to say we haven't had an invite back since.

The next morning however he did let me borrow a pair of tracksuit bottoms to walk home in. So there I was walking home with hair all over the place, a creased 'going out' shirt on, 'going out' shoes on (stained with sick), a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a carrier bag containing my heavily piddled pants. Must have looked like an escapee from a mental institution. To make matters worse I was laughing to myself all the way home which must have made me look like a right fruitcake. To compound matters further, I decided to cut through the local mental hospital to avoid being seen by work colleagues or anyone else who knew me. I had to climb over a wall to get out of the back of the mental hosp which must really have looked like I was an escapee then. Luckily the 'men in white coats' didn't try to drag me back in.

(Apophis, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 13:15, archived)

I know it's over...

...but none of this compares to the skany git that I used to live with.

Just a taster of his weirdness:
He was credit blacklisted for buying a HiFi on HP and not paying it, therefore he only ever used cash - he is with Northern Rock and I think there are only 3 branches this side of the Watford gap... hence he never paid his rent on time (he couldn't drive either)
He didn't actually have a cashcard, so had to go to the bank.

He ONLY ever ate take out, McDonalds or Pizza.

He NEVER washed, not once... I'm sure of it because he reeked. He didn't even have the decency to use Febreeze.

He used to steal my socks, watermelon knows why because he had his own.

When I was looking for my socks I also found chicken wings in his drawers, pizza boxes with half a pizza and a shirt in it... a condom with something in it (NOBODY would have slept with him, so I assume he just had a posh wank)

My boxers would go missing and I'd find them in his room... not sure what he did with them because I never touched them again. I just cried.

We had a 2mb ADSL line, when I left nobody took card of paying the bills, so it racked up for 7 months... was VERY expensive back then - he didn't have the money so somehow pushed the bill on to a friends company who very nearly went bust because they didn't realise they were being chased for a few grand. Needless to say, they don't talk to him anymore either!

And these are examples of his normal day-to-day life.

(DangerousPoop, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 13:17, archived)

a posh wank?

do men really do this?

(peachy, Mon 24 Nov 2003, 13:51, archived)